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RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 5:47:48 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		yes, whether the wife knows or not. Dealbreaker

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 5:58:59 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		I had a married sub for 5 years. She and her husband reconciled (he didnt know) and got a job opportunity 500 miles away and I wished her good luck and Godspeed.

I'm curious. almost every post in this thread refers to a married MALE. um women do it too. Just thought you folks would want to know.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 6:01:37 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		I could play with someone if their husbands/wives knew about me.

But for an LTR I am dominant and want to be the the primary person in their life.

If I get married, and my wife was willing I could see playing with a sub besides my wife. But even then their would always be things I would not do with the sub


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 7:30:24 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

I had a married sub for 5 years. She and her husband reconciled (he didnt know) and got a job opportunity 500 miles away and I wished her good luck and Godspeed.

I'm curious. almost every post in this thread refers to a married MALE. um women do it too. Just thought you folks would want to know.


But the op is male, so it's women addressing him from our perspective, both as spouses and as the other woman.

Five years and he never knew? Didn't you worry about what would happen if he did find out? About the fallout to their marriage, to their children? Or is only women who worry about the others?


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(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 8:09:44 PM   
LadyRian


Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		Being with someone who's married is for me, a huge issue. No matter what. 




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(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 8:23:59 PM   
WolfyMontgomery


Posts: 234
Joined: 9/28/2010
Status: offline 		Fast Reply =)

Seeing as how I want to eventually be married TO my Master, no, I wouldn't want to start a relationship with a married man. Both Master and I have *played* with married couples, but most of the time all parties were involved (him and me and the other guy and his girl) and when it wasn't we were assured (usually BY the party not involved) that things were okay to play. In about 90% of the sense you can call me strictly monogamous, the last 10% being that I enjoy playing with other people - though even then I enjoy it because Master enjoys watching it more than my enjoying it by myself (i.e I don't play unless he's there to watch otherwise it's no fun). But I want him all to myself emotionally, I refuse to share him with anyone, just as he does with me - our love is for us, nobody else.

For me - and most of the people I've known who are into the lifestyle - want their relationship with someone to be between them and only them with or without room for play, or a mutual bond between several people, but all of those people are equally bonded with all of the others just as much as the Dom. There are some that aren't, but chances are the people you come across don't want to be "second" in your life or have the second-hand leftovers after the wife gets through with him.

To the OP:
Would you want to have a married sub? Who could only go to serve you after dealing with her husband? Knowing that she could drop you on a dime to make sure things were good with her husband? How would you feel if you were the "second" in her life?

Edited for clarity on something. =)


< Message edited by WolfyMontgomery -- 10/27/2010 8:25:23 PM >

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(in reply to LadyRian)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 8:34:18 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		He and Alandra and married and the three of us are in a relationship together, so for me it was not a deal breaker.

However, in the past, I had a relationship with someone and he was married and lying to me and his wife and that was a deal breaker.

There is a big difference between the two. One is a relationship with people who have integrity and the other was someone with no integrity.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to BillYoung24)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 9:15:12 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WolfyMontgomery


To the OP:
Would you want to have a married sub? Who could only go to serve you after dealing with her husband? Knowing that she could drop you on a dime to make sure things were good with her husband? How would you feel if you were the "second" in her life?





I know this wasn't to me, but I'd kind of like that.  I wouldn't want to be dropped on a dime. I'd want to speak with the husband and make sure he and I were ok with one another.  But I'd know that a married sub would mean that she would be ok with my wife coming first in my life just as her husband comes first in hers.  We'd be able to fulfil for one another what our spouses do not.

Mind you, I'd still want as much control as I could get over her, but I'd want to work with her husband to get that, not against him.

(in reply to WolfyMontgomery)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 9:39:39 PM   
MIsabelah


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/7/2010
Status: offline 		I don't play with other people''s things or hearts for pleasure. Even if the spouse approves you are toying with someones emotion- eventually someone is going to get upset.

< Message edited by MIsabelah -- 10/27/2010 9:41:06 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 9:44:43 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MIsabelah

I don't play with other people''s things or hearts for pleasure. Even if the spouse approves you are toying with someones emotion- eventually someone is going to get upset.


Obviously you are not wired for poly and would not be able to handle it.  That doesn't mean other people are not.

I'll admit the majority of relationships, poly or mono, do lead to pain, that doesn't mean all of them do and it also doesn't mean that pain is not worth it in many cases.

(in reply to MIsabelah)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 9:48:57 PM   
MIsabelah


Posts: 57
Joined: 9/7/2010
Status: offline 		Nineveh, my comment has nothing to do with poly. It has everything to do with the OP's question. Thanks for the comment though.

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 9:57:15 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline 		I'm thinking the very foundation of this lifestyle is built on trust. If lying is involved, I see an issue. If everyone is on board, I don't see an issue.

(in reply to MIsabelah)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 10:34:08 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BillYoung24

Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things?
I understand for someone looking to be owned and have a 24/7 relationship, but of you're into a part-time relationship due to kids, or work, is being with someone who's married really an issue?


Not if all are honest about it, no. I am married and my spouse is well aware of my having subs/slaves, and my subs/slaves are aware of my spouse. So far it's not been any big trouble, no.

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(in reply to BillYoung24)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 10:59:30 PM   
Aresidora


Posts: 39
Joined: 10/11/2010
From: Columbus, Ohio
Status: offline 		Jeeze is this question in the air tonight or what? I am a married switch. My hubby is kinda kink, but not at all the perv I am and actually I think I scare him sometimes. That being said this is how our dynamic works...
I like the hubby to dominate me - actually I would love it if he were to become a different personality and leave big ass welts all over me, but I think he's a little squeemish for that.
However,I LOVE to dominate. But as a strong willed woman I require a strong life partner. I could not tolerate hubby on his knees begging and whimpering.
Hubby gives me permission to play with the ladies, but I like to degrade and humiliate men more.
Why am I allowed to play with the kitties, but not the cocks? i dont ask cuz i dont want hubby to say I can't play at all.
I don't think I am cheating if I'm not having intercourse, giving a bj, or even kissing my male pets.


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* Aresidora

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Marriage - 10/27/2010 11:07:28 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aresidora

Jeeze is this question in the air tonight or what? I am a married switch. My hubby is kinda kink, but not at all the perv I am and actually I think I scare him sometimes. That being said this is how our dynamic works...
I like the hubby to dominate me - actually I would love it if he were to become a different personality and leave big ass welts all over me, but I think he's a little squeemish for that.
However,I LOVE to dominate. But as a strong willed woman I require a strong life partner. I could not tolerate hubby on his knees begging and whimpering.
Hubby gives me permission to play with the ladies, but I like to degrade and humiliate men more.
Why am I allowed to play with the kitties, but not the cocks? i dont ask cuz i dont want hubby to say I can't play at all.
I don't think I am cheating if I'm not having intercourse, giving a bj, or even kissing my male pets.



Cheating is breaking the rules.  That means what is cheating is different for each and every relationship depending on what the rules are.

(in reply to Aresidora)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Marriage - 10/28/2010 7:09:55 AM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline 		Tried poly once. Not for me.

Now as to the topic, married is married. And cheating, well it's cheating. The whole "my partner doesn't understand, won't try, won't do, can't do is not a reason to go elsewhere looking for that extra piece of tail. If you feel the need to go elsewhere, mother thumb and her four fingers are there for a reason. It may not satisfy you to your heart's content, but it will keep from hurting other people.

I know of a couple where the wife is very well aware that her husband has a sub. I've met them in person, spent 5 days on vacation with them. Seeing the look on her face when hubby approached the sub and "played" with her would have zapped a laser beam to hell and back. She has health issues and can't have any sexual relations. And you see the hurt in her eyes when the three of them are together.

I'm monogamous. I want my Dom to be monogamous also. No "just playing" with other subs, it would be a deal-breaker. I don't care if no sex is involved, it's to be between us, and only us. I have strong emotions and being hurt is too easy for me. And the Dom I agreed to poly with? Left with my so-called sub-sister. No word of what they'd done. Too cowardly to tell me to my face. Never again will I be played like that or be convinced that promises will be kept and have to accept treachery, lies, threats and stalking.

And staying together for the sake of the kids? Kids are the first to feel that something is wrong between mommy and daddy. No matter how young or old they are. They often think they're to blame for the situation and it's not fair to them. If you can't be honest with your spouse, then get the hell to a lawyer and get a divorce. I've been cheated on and always knew, expect wifey or hubby to know even if they don't want to face it. Then be prepared to face the consequences of your actions. You wanna play? Then expect to pay big time.

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(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Marriage - 10/28/2010 7:34:31 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		I think the "cheating" concept has been explored sufficiently, and I wanted to share how it can work out when everyone is upfront and onboard.

Not happy in my life.  My wife of the time was no happier.  We decided to try polyamory and went at it by getting as much education about it as we could.  I put up a profile on Polymatchmaker and my Lady (and now wife) contacted me with a friendly email.  She was not looking for someone married necessarily, not looking for someone who was transgendered necessarily...but we started communicating.  Eventually my Lady agreed to meet both my wife and I for dinner and everyone hit it off.  There was chemistry, there was electricity, and there was friendly connection between the two ladies.

Over the following months we created a poly family with my wife's boyfriend.  For my wife and I, we slowly came to the realization that our relationship was over - we still had love, but not "in-love".  And so we agreed to end it.  By that time, my Lady and I were living together most of the time.

We dissolved the marriage, got separated and then divorced, and even though it was amicable, it was still a very tough time in all our lives.

Once it was finalized, my Lady and I were married and here I sit today on the other side of a hard but ultimately rewarding life change a much happier person - I have love, I have total acceptance of who I am, I have great sex, and I am finally able to express my submissive heart to the fullest.

It is rarely a fairy tale of bliss from beginning to end.  But if a person who is married is willing to act with integrity, what is at the other side is hopefully worth undergoing a change, taking a risk, and perhaps losing some things in order to gain even more.


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I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Marriage - 10/28/2010 7:35:51 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		If the spouse doesn't know it should always be a deal breaker. If that's the case, you're lying to the most important person in your life and you're starting your new relationship with a lie.

When I was single and looking married, involved, etc was all a deal breaker because of what I was looking for out of my relationship.  It didn't matter if the spouse/SO/slub knew, it just wasn't what I was looking for from my relationship.

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(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Marriage - 10/28/2010 9:23:04 AM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Cheating is breaking the rules. That means what is cheating is different for each and every relationship depending on what the rules are.


That's true. But rarely does the concept of cheating depend on whether or not the relationship is part-time. And that's what I got from the OPs question. That the rules were different for 24/7 and part-time players.

My answer was not a slam on poly. It was a slam on excuses.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Marriage - 10/28/2010 12:38:48 PM   
KingBee68


Posts: 25
Joined: 10/28/2010
Status: offline 		It's not my place to judge you, but why are you looking to cheat on your wife?

(in reply to BillYoung24)
Profile   Post #: 40
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