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RE: Marriage - 10/29/2010 2:56:42 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I knew a man years ago, a very good man, whose wife was dying inch by inch of ALS/Lou Gehrig's Disease. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. He had the occasional affair with women who were as shell shocked by loss in their life as he was in his. But it wasn't about 'unmet needs'. it was about having a human hold you. Did they have sex sometimes, sure. But they spent a lot more time just holding, cuddling. And there was no chance of the wife finding out or getting a std, she was in bed with round the clock nurses, and sometimes the next shift didn't show so his pager went off, and he got out of bed with his lover's best wishes to go nurse his wife.

If all it is about is sex, then go pay someone. Don't start a relationship with someone you're going to hurt. You want NSA, go to a sex worker.


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Slave to laundry

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Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Marriage - 10/29/2010 3:15:51 PM   
SorceressJ


Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer
Depends.  Are they poly, or are they a lying, cheating scumbag who can't even be honest with the person they promised to love and cherish and be true to?  Why would I ever believe that such a person would be honest with me, if this is what they're doing to their spouse?

In the former case, nope, not a deal breaker at all.  Ethical poly is cool.  In the latter case, if you really can't see why someone who has no personal integrity is a crappy relationship prospect, think harder. A D/s relationship in particular needs to have a solid foundation of trust, clear communication skills and honesty.  Someone who lies and cheats for selfish reasons lacks these things from the beginning.  Dishonesty and deception is a very poor foundation for any human relationship, let alone an intimate one.



{{{THIS}}}

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(in reply to LadyNTrainer)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Marriage - 10/29/2010 3:38:18 PM   
hussyboi


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/24/2010
Status: offline 		No it's not a deal breaker. Some people don't have an ethical problem with that and have a different perspective the complexities involved. I have a friend who's a great lady who's only submissive is married. He's getting what he needs and doesn't have to break up the marriage and she's getting what she needs and has the time to herself like she wants. I know another couple who's been together for years but married to two different people and neither getting the D/s they want at home. Their strict upbringing and the kids involved would make a divorce a real mess and would ostricise them from their families. I've met a couple different subs at munches who had been married for a long while, long before it was easier to find people with mutual D/s interests online. When they were treated with the hate and cotempt for their desire to explore this side of themselves, they just dropped out completely. It's almost a my kink is better than yours... i'm better than you... because they're out and open about thier D/s.

(in reply to BillYoung24)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Marriage - 10/29/2010 5:17:31 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aynne88


quote:

ORIGINAL: tiggerspoohbear
<snip>
I've been cheated on and always knew, expect wifey or hubby to know even if they don't want to face it. Then be prepared to face the consequences of your actions. You wanna play? Then expect to pay big time.



Your last statement about facing the conseqeunces and paying big time? No true. No longer does infidelity account for anything in a divorce, in the vast majority of cases the judge doesn't even want to hear about it, and it's not admissable. A lot of states also have done away with alimony as well, unless you have some very compelling reasons why you deserve it. I don't have children so I can't speak on the child support issues, but I have been divorced and I can speak to the rest of it.



Aynne, the context i meant had no relationship to infidelity being brought up in court. I meant being found out by your other, if you have children, having to deal with those consequences also. The hurt that is caused to a partner who had no idea, and who is now left wondering what he/she did that could have been different. Often one blames oneself for the self-destructive behavior of the other partner. Not always, but it does happen. As it did in my case on more than one occasion. The denial, the heartbreak, having to explain why mommy/daddy are no longer going to be living together (and without explaining the whys and hows to them) when you yourself are barely holding it together.

And to my mind, once a cheater always a cheater. It has to start somewhere, and if you're willing to screw around with a married person, how can you trust that if they leave their spouse for you, the same thing won't happen to you? I've seen that happen also.

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Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Marriage - 10/29/2010 6:48:57 PM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline 		I do think that cheaters can and do stop cheating.  If they have to face the consequences.  However that doesn't mean hooking up with a cheater is a good idea at all.  if the pattern is successful then he or she is absolutely going to cheat on you too.

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Marriage - 10/29/2010 6:56:39 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		~fr~
Yep, complete deal breaker.  I don't need that sort of drama in my life. 



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(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Marriage - 10/30/2010 12:14:42 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BillYoung24

Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things?
I understand for someone looking to be owned and have a 24/7 relationship, but of you're into a part-time relationship due to kids, or work, is being with someone who's married really an issue?


Yes.  I've been on both ends of the cheating coin. That was a past life ago.  I prefer healthier, honest relationships now. 

Nor am I open to poly at this time.  I'm not cut out for it.  So yes, being married would be a deal breaker.  Coma or not.


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(in reply to BillYoung24)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Marriage - 10/30/2010 7:25:59 PM   
LaCoeurTriste


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/18/2010
Status: offline 		 As the mere mention of that particular "m" word in pretty much any context causes me to break out in huge, itchy, blotchy, red hives so I'd have to vote yes, it's a dealbreaker. (Unless there exists a Domly One out there whose particular kink is scratching, blotchy submissives.)

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Marriage - 11/5/2010 7:40:17 PM   
HisManegirl


Posts: 113
Joined: 11/5/2010
From: East Coast
Status: offline 		I think honesty and communication is extremely important. To me this lifestyle means greater communication and open mindedness than vanilla relationships, but everyone still has boundaries. One of the reasons I'm open to the BDSM lifestyle with my Dom is because of the importance of communication, and an understanding of taking care of each others needs. That means for us being open and honest- no secrets. There are people who are married and still open to other relationships- but you won't know until you ask. 

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Marriage - 11/5/2010 8:57:47 PM   
dory007


Posts: 40
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BillYoung24

Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things?

not as long as everyone is on board. But we have much the same problem, Master is poly and it is hard for him to find someone for a LTR as many women do not want to share.

< Message edited by dory007 -- 11/5/2010 8:58:20 PM >

(in reply to BillYoung24)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Marriage - 11/5/2010 9:27:20 PM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

It's definitely difficult, as a married man, to find a woman to play with.  Seems like it is much easier for women. 


Not if they're trying with me, it's not. I'm past that.

Plus it's not easier for all wives. Just the attractive ones. And if you're a dude that makes it to an 8 or better on the chick scale, it's not that hard to find play either, and being attached makes you so much more interesting. Pssh. It's one of those 'talk out of both sides of the mouth' situations I find so disheartening. Do not pay attention to what women claim about married men; they are misinforming the whole room, including themselves, most of the time. I've learned that if I have a girlfriend and I don't want to fend off as many advances, I avoid mentioning her.

If you're an ugly married man, well, that's your reason. So... OP. Be faithful, but if your wife's on the same page as you then... Hit the gym, boyo.

< Message edited by DMFParadox -- 11/5/2010 9:29:52 PM >

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"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to Nineveh)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Marriage - 11/6/2010 5:42:49 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

quote:

Is being married such a deal breaker in the long run of things?
I understand for someone looking to be owned and have a 24/7 relationship, but of you're into a part-time relationship due to kids, or work, is being with someone who's married really an issue?


That depends. I am in a relationship, but I also play with others (with the full knowledge and blessing of my man.) however I would not play with someone who was married or in a relationship unless their partner knew about me. I think it is wrong to be with someone who is unfaithful, off course sometimes someone fall in love with the wrong person and I have not right to judge, I however would not get in between two people in a relationship, so that would be a deal breaker for me. However if the other part in the relationship knew about me, then I would not mind my play partner being married, or in another type of committed relationship, all the better if they was so that there where a clear line that this was only play and they would not think it could be more.

I wish you well


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Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad


(in reply to BillYoung24)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Marriage - 11/6/2010 5:45:49 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

It's definitely difficult, as a married man, to find a woman to play with.  Seems like it is much easier for women. 


Not if they're trying with me, it's not. I'm past that.

Plus it's not easier for all wives. Just the attractive ones. And if you're a dude that makes it to an 8 or better on the chick scale, it's not that hard to find play either, and being attached makes you so much more interesting. Pssh. It's one of those 'talk out of both sides of the mouth' situations I find so disheartening. Do not pay attention to what women claim about married men; they are misinforming the whole room, including themselves, most of the time. I've learned that if I have a girlfriend and I don't want to fend off as many advances, I avoid mentioning her.

If you're an ugly married man, well, that's your reason. So... OP. Be faithful, but if your wife's on the same page as you then... Hit the gym, boyo.


Scores high on the douchebag comment meter.

(in reply to DMFParadox)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Marriage - 11/6/2010 12:45:21 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

It's definitely difficult, as a married man, to find a woman to play with.  Seems like it is much easier for women. 


Not if they're trying with me, it's not. I'm past that.

Plus it's not easier for all wives. Just the attractive ones. And if you're a dude that makes it to an 8 or better on the chick scale, it's not that hard to find play either, and being attached makes you so much more interesting. Pssh. It's one of those 'talk out of both sides of the mouth' situations I find so disheartening. Do not pay attention to what women claim about married men; they are misinforming the whole room, including themselves, most of the time. I've learned that if I have a girlfriend and I don't want to fend off as many advances, I avoid mentioning her.

If you're an ugly married man, well, that's your reason. So... OP. Be faithful, but if your wife's on the same page as you then... Hit the gym, boyo.


Scores high on the douchebag comment meter.


Hi, red!  Mind if I put my finger on the scale to push the meter reading higher?


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Marriage - 11/6/2010 3:13:09 PM   
CeriseNin


Posts: 286
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline 		~fast reply~

Being married or in a relationship is a deal breaker to me. I don't care if your SO knows and is cool with it. To each their own, etc, but I'm monogamous.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Marriage - 11/6/2010 3:42:05 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline 		If I were approached an individual who had a unknowing spouse, one of my first thoughts would be if that person lacks the the integrity and honesty to be upfront with their spouse about their needs, then what kind of trust could I possibly have with that individual? And since they are willing to cheat and deceive a person whom they supposedly have a vested interest in, what are the chances they won't do the same to me. For those who want a part time thing, get the spouse involved

Either you get provable consent from the spouse or end the marriage. It is just that simple. Under no circumstances, is it ever acceptable to cheat and deceive a spouse



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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
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(in reply to BillYoung24)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Marriage - 11/6/2010 6:14:49 PM   
subinlife


Posts: 263
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline 		Being married is a total deal breaker for me, having been cheated on. I won't do that to someone else. My rule is I don't share.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Marriage - 11/6/2010 6:39:07 PM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		Married is a deal breaker. Cheating is a deal breaker. Poly is a deal breaker.

There, did I cover all of it?

(in reply to subinlife)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Marriage - 11/6/2010 6:40:07 PM   
curiouscuriouser


Posts: 55
Joined: 11/1/2010
Status: offline 		It's not a deal breaker for me, no. I just try to keep in mind that laying with dogs will get you fleas.

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"Painting and fucking a lot are not compatible; it weakens the brain." - van Gogh

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Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Marriage - 11/6/2010 6:40:28 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		There are still open relationships that polyamorous people will sometimes claim aren't polyamory. But nearly.

(in reply to jujubeeMB)
Profile   Post #: 80
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