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RE: Marriage - 11/6/2010 7:38:33 PM

DMFParadox

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

It's definitely difficult, as a married man, to find a woman to play with. Seems like it is much easier for women.

Not if they're trying with me, it's not. I'm past that.

Plus it's not easier for all wives. Just the attractive ones. And if you're a dude that makes it to an 8 or better on the chick scale, it's not that hard to find play either, and being attached makes you so much more interesting. Pssh. It's one of those 'talk out of both sides of the mouth' situations I find so disheartening. Do not pay attention to what women claim about married men; they are misinforming the whole room, including themselves, most of the time. I've learned that if I have a girlfriend and I don't want to fend off as many advances, I avoid mentioning her.

If you're an ugly married man, well, that's your reason. So... OP. Be faithful, but if your wife's on the same page as you then... Hit the gym, boyo.

Scores high on the douchebag comment meter.

Hi, red! Mind if I put my finger on the scale to push the meter reading higher?

As far as I'm concerned, it's the people ignoring these trends that are the douchbags. Women misbehave a lot, and living in some retarded fairy tale where men do all the bad things is thoughtless and immature, two words you like to throw around on other people plenty. Time you got called on your shit. I don't give a damn if these things don't make you happy; they don't make me happy either. But it is what it is.

Plus, you missed a trick. Could've changed the word 'meter' into the word 'scale' and had some lovely fuckin' wordplay going on, vibin' off my mention of the 'chick scale' to the amusement of chuckleheads who like to imagine there isn't one. Come on people, step it the hell up. At least if you're going to be mindlessly dismissive, be entertaining about it.

< Message edited by DMFParadox -- 11/6/2010 7:42:11 PM >

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Post #: 81

RE: Marriage - 11/7/2010 7:57:56 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
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might not be an issue for you, but it is for me. a married person has nothing to offer me in the end, except for a little hanky-spank-me, and i can get that from a million and one single people, so why dabble into someone elses waters.

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Post #: 82

RE: Marriage - 11/7/2010 8:05:19 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

might not be an issue for you, but it is for me. a married person has nothing to offer me in the end, except for a little hanky-spank-me, and i can get that from a million and one single people, so why dabble into someone elses waters.

Said simply but so true...
The married people who seem to get so upset over the fact that they aren't getting any on the side seem to be forgetting that all they are offering is sex and/or kink. Anyone with the correct body parts can offer that. Why would anyone go for more complications vs less...?

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RE: Marriage - 11/7/2010 9:03:59 AM

OttersSwim

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
Said simply but so true...
The married people who seem to get so upset over the fact that they aren't getting any on the side seem to be forgetting that all they are offering is sex and/or kink. Anyone with the correct body parts can offer that. Why would anyone go for more complications vs less...?

Been to the Poly forum lately?

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Post #: 84

RE: Marriage - 11/7/2010 10:04:02 AM

SthrnCom4t

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I've read some of this thread, but admittedly, not each post of the current 5 pages.

I believe it all comes down to compatibility and what each person is seeking.

Obviously, if you are looking for a full-on, time intensive connection, where you want the majority of your partner's energy focused on you (because likely, that's what you also have to offer) getting involved with someone who would have to split his/her attention wouldn't be very realistic.

If you have a primary relationship that doesn't completely meet your needs, communicating with said primary partner, and acting with honesty and integrity around finding someone who can meet those needs, in my book, is a perfectly legit option.

Outside people don't break up relationships...only those people in the relationship can do that, or allow that to happen. Many people, if they are getting their all of their needs met, don't have any reason to seek connection time with other people. Some people are secure enough in their primary relationship and get enough value out of that connection, that they can seek additional relationships, which actually enhance their primary relationship. Other people are not secure enough in their primary relationship to have it put under the microscope, which connecting with other people essentially does.

Often times, its the mis-match....one partner completely ok with the needs being met, while the other person is not. For a relationship to be successful, all parties have to be fulfilled. Most people are not stagnant....they evolve. Their needs, desires, wants, etc change over time. Whether its a new car, a house, or a human being, time changes us....just a fact.

When I met Otter I wasn't looking for another husband. He wasn't looking to end his marriage. But over the course of several months, it became apparent that the attributes of what defined primary relationship evolved. Not just for him, not just for me, not just for his ex wife....but all parties involved. There was a lot of communication, a lot of soul-searching, and a lot of self-analyzation.

I have no guilt over the evolution and eventual outcome of their relationship. They both had unmet needs and after meeting other partners, they had a vantage point where they could be honest with themselves around that fact.

We all create a 'box of rules' or draw a set of boundaries, which we feel like we have to act within. If you can communicate with your primary, and they are evolved enough to consider the discussion, many options become possible.

Married vs single - not as important as recognizing one's own needs for time, attention, and connection and proceeding accordingly.

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Post #: 85

RE: Marriage - 11/8/2010 12:59:01 AM

DMFParadox

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SthrnCom4t
Outside people don't break up relationships...only those people in the relationship can do that, or allow that to happen. Many people, if they are getting their all of their needs met, don't have any reason to seek connection time with other people.

To a degree. People generally need a community to feel completely fulfilled. This means friendships, family, and even a touch of drama... If we don't have it, we make it.

The key is to be aware of how a relationship can work with other people in your life, and without. Knowing and being prepared for both situations is the best way to keep committed to commitments, at least of the who-you-spend-time with kind...

quote:

ORIGINAL: SthrnCom4t

Married vs single - not as important as recognizing one's own needs for time, attention, and connection and proceeding accordingly.

...which is what you said right here, ish. So, agreed.

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Post #: 86

RE: Marriage - 11/8/2010 9:13:51 AM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
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Yeah, it is. Why would someone want a guy who is cheating on his wife?

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Post #: 87

RE: Marriage - 11/8/2010 12:27:35 PM

Nineveh

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaCoeurTriste

As the mere mention of that particular "m" word in pretty much any context causes me to break out in huge, itchy, blotchy, red hives so I'd have to vote yes, it's a dealbreaker. (Unless there exists a Domly One out there whose particular kink is scratching, blotchy submissives.)

I can just see you walking down the aisle in a a beautiful dress, hair and makeup artfully done, doing your best not to scratch.

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Post #: 88

RE: Marriage - 11/8/2010 12:32:42 PM

Nineveh

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

It's definitely difficult, as a married man, to find a woman to play with. Seems like it is much easier for women.

Not if they're trying with me, it's not. I'm past that.

Plus it's not easier for all wives. Just the attractive ones. And if you're a dude that makes it to an 8 or better on the chick scale, it's not that hard to find play either, and being attached makes you so much more interesting. Pssh. It's one of those 'talk out of both sides of the mouth' situations I find so disheartening. Do not pay attention to what women claim about married men; they are misinforming the whole room, including themselves, most of the time. I've learned that if I have a girlfriend and I don't want to fend off as many advances, I avoid mentioning her.

If you're an ugly married man, well, that's your reason. So... OP. Be faithful, but if your wife's on the same page as you then... Hit the gym, boyo.

My wife has a beautiful face, but she's quite overweight (pic on my profile if you wanna judge for yourself) I don't know that I am an 8 or better, but I'm definitely not unattractive. I suppose part of my problem is that I want someone who is not only comfortable with me being married but is also comfortable with my wife knowing about what we do together.

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Post #: 89

RE: Marriage - 11/8/2010 7:16:45 PM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

quote:

ORIGINAL: DMFParadox

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

It's definitely difficult, as a married man, to find a woman to play with. Seems like it is much easier for women.

Not if they're trying with me, it's not. I'm past that.

Plus it's not easier for all wives. Just the attractive ones. And if you're a dude that makes it to an 8 or better on the chick scale, it's not that hard to find play either, and being attached makes you so much more interesting. Pssh. It's one of those 'talk out of both sides of the mouth' situations I find so disheartening. Do not pay attention to what women claim about married men; they are misinforming the whole room, including themselves, most of the time. I've learned that if I have a girlfriend and I don't want to fend off as many advances, I avoid mentioning her.

If you're an ugly married man, well, that's your reason. So... OP. Be faithful, but if your wife's on the same page as you then... Hit the gym, boyo.

My wife has a beautiful face, but she's quite overweight (pic on my profile if you wanna judge for yourself) I don't know that I am an 8 or better, but I'm definitely not unattractive. I suppose part of my problem is that I want someone who is not only comfortable with me being married but is also comfortable with my wife knowing about what we do together.

It's not how you look, mostly. As long as you're in decent shape and have a good level of grooming, it's all good. The chick scale mostly vibes off of social standing.

It's more how you carry yourself and social situations, and how other people are reacting to you. You build up a momentum of fun and respect, challenge and persuasion, get into the rhythm of it and you're all good with the ladies. You have to be comfortable with poly or swinging, and express that comfort by the jokes you make and the stories you tell. And the questions you ask.

Maybe 30% of the process is finding someone who can be open to the idea. The other 70% is shaping the situation so that they just ease into the ideas without resistance. Think of the things kids will do at parties. Truth or dare was invented for the sole purpose of getting people to do crazy things on the premise that they were chumps if they didn't, thus reversing the normal thought process there. Think about things like that and how they work in social situations.

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bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

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