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RE: Research - 11/11/2010 4:30:21 PM

January

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Hi,

I'm an author, too. I'm one of those folks, like Lockit, who is very concerned about BDSM practitioners being portrayed as a bunch of sicko-nuts. (Not that my efforts have completely worked. I described SM as something positive in one scene, and it grossed some readers out.) It does seem that a lot of writers have jumped on the BDSM bandwagon to titillate.

So who is the publisher of your first novel? Are these books romances or erotica?

January

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[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to dewillac)

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RE: Research - 11/11/2010 4:52:37 PM

Awareness

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The irony of such definitions is that - like almost everything in BDSM as a whole - they are explicitly consensual. Differences in opinion can arise from different experiences, but they're often the result of individuals with agendas feeding their own ego. I tend to be dismissive when someone makes an assertion which is a less than subtle form of self-glorification.

However, the difference between Doms and Masters is generally philosophical. Dom is title which acknowledges a personality type which dominates a submissive. These interactions can occur simply in the bedroom, in the household or when out together - the extent is negotiated between the participants.

A Master is an individual with a tendency toward lifestyle BDSM in which total power exchange takes place. As a consequence, the degree of control and responsibility negotiated is much higher - consequently the stakes are much higher and it requires a higher degree of trust.

To suggest you graduate from Dom to Master is sheerest nonsense.

(in reply to January)

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RE: Research - 11/13/2010 7:39:30 PM

fragilepieces

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quote:

ORIGINAL: dewillac

Thank you for your response. I write romance novels and my first will be published in February. My second book has taken a new direction and involves BDSM. I have actually have several questions.

I'm confused about Master vs. Dom. Are they the same? How are they different? Is training required to become a Master? Can one Dom generally see those traits another man? Is it possible that a man could be a Dom and his wife not know? Can a Dom sell a sub? Why? How? How long is the relationship? Why would a relationship end? If the sub wants out, how is that accomplished? If the sub is released from the Dom, can she come back? Can a Dom buy a sub, sell her to another, and on and on? Thank you for any help you can provide to me.
Pat

LOL---I find it hysterical that you are writing a book and coming here for answers---not that you picked the wrong place but the fact that you are opening a can of worms that you might not be able to close.
Most people are confused about Master vs Dom vs Owner vs Daddy vs DaddyDom, because if you ask ten different people more than likely you are going to get ten different answers---if you are writing a book remember k i s s (keep it simple sweetie) the difference is the spelling!   Easy peasy!      Is any training needed---well it depends on who you ask personally anyone with a computer and internet access can become a Dom or a Master.   You can also become one by running to the local kink store---picking out a plastic crop and some assless leather chaps and find some local kink gathering that has open invites---most of them don't require a license to Dom.    Can one Dom generally see those traits in another man---hmmm I am not sure because I was never dominant or a man---however through observation generally many see others as fakes.   It is possible that a man could be a Dom and his wife not know---especially if he has a password secure computer and his submissive doesn't know about his wife.   Can a Dom sell a sub---legally only the ones that are made of meat, bread and vegetables they are also called grinders or hero's depending on what part of the world you are from--even if it was legal to sell a submissive---honestly who in their right mind would BUY one---they are free here on collar me---well perhaps someone might ya know the ones who have been looking since 1973 and still have not found the right one---actually I did come across a profile of a Dom advertising for a submissive race looks age did not matter nor did he care if she had kids or a pet he had a brand new house and would pay all her expenses so that is sort of buying a submissive.   How long is the relationship and how can it end again k i s s----normally it is no different than a vanilla relationship.    If the submissive wants out---normally she changes her chat name and opens new email accounts---seriously most of the time she'd just leave like any other relationship.   If a submissive leaves can she come back---it depends on who the Dominant is.   Most would say no but it very well could be that she left for a very good reason especially if the couple parted on good terms and that can happen.

Listen quite honestly and from the heart if you are writing a book of fiction remember it's fiction.    I hate to recommend this because I personally disliked the series yet it might be a good reference point for you read the 'Beauty' series written by Anne Rice---you should be able to pick them up on Amazon quite cheaply.   If you can't find them message me here and I'll provide a link.      Also try "Lessons in obedience" by Lucy Golden---you can find this on Amazon as well.   This was one of my favorites back when I used to be involved heavily in the lifestyle---actually I liked anything by Lucy Golden.   It's fiction and follows that k i s s moto.    Again if you need links I can provide.

Bottom line is even though many will dispute me on this---there are no firm rules here.   There are firm rules in every relationship and everyone has their own set of rules however, they differ so greatly that you basically have to use your own judgment.   I think it would be sort of cool if a Dom was able to sell a submissive.   In the story of 'O' she was given away.    Quite honestly I disliked that part but it would be I think ultra romantic if a submissive loved a man so much that she willing went with another simply to please him---something to think about.

Congrats on the publication of your book and good luck on the next one again if you want message me.

*a side note----for many including myself Bdsm means bondage discipline sadism and masochism.    One does not have to be involved in bdsm to be dominant and submissive. See opening that can of worms. lol

< Message edited by fragilepieces -- 11/13/2010 7:51:43 PM >

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RE: Research - 11/14/2010 6:45:09 AM

DesFIP

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It's just so unrealistic, setting up convoluted scenes of revenge. Why not go for the ultimate revenge, having him arrested and sent to prison?

You also haven't known too many mob guys. The moment she was screwing someone other than her husband, they wouldn't care what happened to her. The double standard is alive and well in the Italian Mafia.

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RE: Research - 11/15/2010 6:53:38 AM

fellowtraveler

Posts: 26
Joined: 3/11/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dewillac

Thank you for your response. I write romance novels and my first will be published in February. My second book has taken a new direction and involves BDSM. I have actually have several questions.

I'm confused about Master vs. Dom. Are they the same? How are they different? Is training required to become a Master? Can one Dom generally see those traits another man? Is it possible that a man could be a Dom and his wife not know? Can a Dom sell a sub? Why? How? How long is the relationship? Why would a relationship end? If the sub wants out, how is that accomplished? If the sub is released from the Dom, can she come back? Can a Dom buy a sub, sell her to another, and on and on? Thank you for any help you can provide to me.
Pat

WOW. What a lot of questions. First, congratulations on getting a book deal. You are doing better than I am. As for your research, bear in mind that Websters hasn't really gotten around to nailing down definitions regarding exactly what a dominant is or what a master is. I have my own perceptions of the matter as everyone else does, but they are subjective. I equate a dominant as a state of being, a matter of a person's core identity. A master is his position vis-a-vis his submissive, if they choose to go with that dynamic. You might want to check out Gorean perspectives here too... they have a completely different way of defining these things. In fact, I would suspect that if you throw those terms around in a novel, you are far more likely to run into chaffe with the Goreans than anyone else. As for a "Master" having more "training" than a dominant... Not necessarily. In fact, in my opinion, one of the true marks of a wannabe Dom is that he insists on everyone calling him "Master". I will get flamed for this, but its my personal observation. In fact, I will insure a good flaming for myslef here.... real doms are more likely to have OTHER people call them Master than to use the term themselves.

Can a Dominant be a dominant and not have his wife know? My answer is no. I have been married twice. My first wife was about as submissive as a polecat and had NO interest in a M/s relationship (at least not sexually), but she definitely knew I was dominant. It would be like my being blind or deaf or having three arms and her not knowing. It is who and what I am. Whether or not the wife wants her husband to be sexually dominant with her is something different.... but she knows he is dominant just as much as she would know anything else about his personality.

Also, Amy Vanderbilt hasn't really gotten around to publishing a definitive edition regarding the ettiquette of M/s relationships either. As to whether a sub or slave (another very subjective set of terms, despite many people's very good arguments to the contrary) can be "sold", the answer is that some people are actually into that... but the deal is not exactly one that any court would uphold. In the real world, it is more of a fantasy thing... a "slave" auction where "slaves" are "sold" for a few minutes playtime or what-have-you.

Most of the rest of your questions, I think, are looking for just such a set of hard and fast rules. They don't exist. It would be like saying, if a couple gets a divorce... can they remarry? Of course they can. If a dom releases (a nice way of saying they break up) a submissive, they can get back together if they like.

Actually, if you are looking for a set of hard and fast rules regarding D/s relationships, you should look to the Goreans. They have rules and definitions for everything, right down to the positions slaves assume. A Sociology professor (John Norman) wrote a series of books that defined a world of what amounts to D/s and created a whole bunch of dynamics. I jokingly call them D/s Treckies.... and now I am REALLY going to get flamed. You will find they have a forum here all their own. Read a few of John Norman's books on Gor and you will get the basic idea of the rules and wherefor's of "Gor". who knows... you may like it and continue the saga.

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