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RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 9:13:34 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Hello again.

Don't tie yourself up in knots about a one off mistake. Everyone makes them, take no notice of the negativity you might get on here.

I do agree with Jeffff to, so be wary who's advice you take (that includes mine, I aint exempt

).

I haven't checked what country you are in, in the UK there tends to be school councillors and organisations that children can go find someone to talk to. And talk to her, don't act as though this hasn't happened and forget it. She will appriciate it, even if she doesn't show it right now.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to SirsSub63)

Post #: 61

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 9:20:18 AM

SirsSub63

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/13/2010
Status: offline

Thanks everyone..well most everyone! :)

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 62

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 9:28:44 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

At some point in our lives we all learn our parents are fallible, at least in our eyes.

Add on top of that the knowledge that her parents are splitting up.

Those are 2 very difficult things to deal with, especially at once.

I think a counselor for you is a good idea (yes, kink friendly if possible) and some type of support for your daughter as well.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to SirsSub63)

Post #: 63

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 9:31:07 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Yesterday. Very good. So she's angry in the heat of the moment, and it should pass.

Time for you go have a talk with her. She's aware that there's a divorce about to hit - how does she feel about that? That's possibly a bigger issue than the Dom on the side.

In the talk, let her know what's about to happen. Let her do a lot of the talking. Ask if there's something that can be done to ease the impact on her. Don't bring up the Dom unless she does. If she does, find out what specifically is her issue - that you're talking with another man before she's ready to accept the death of your marriage, that you're kinky, what.

Again, good luck.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SirsSub63)

Post #: 64

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 9:34:33 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead

I tend to agree with LadyPact here, SirsSub63. A kink friendly counselor to assist you in this, patience from you and her dad, and time are going to be what she needs to get over her shock.

All kids are devestated when their family takes a hit. Divorce is like a missile. I know because I've been divorced for years, have two kids, and worked in divorce and family law for 11 years. I'm sorry that all of this has ripped the protective shield from her world. The computer stuff can be managed better when you create an account for yourself that is PW protected. Your husband should do the same. Please remember to take extra precautions when you sharing a computer with minors, I'm sure you will from here forward. I wish for healing to your daughter's very delicate emotions.

Now, for those who choose to have decided to take a "superior, judgmental, holier-than-thou, this would NEVER occur in my world, blah, blah, blah..." approach, just Wow. Really? No, no, honestly... really??? I say be super careful when laying out a challenge like that to the world. I cannot imagine being so full of myself that, when someone asks an honest question, puts it out there that they have made a big mistake, wants to make it better or as best they can, that my response would be to kick a face-full of "dirt" at them.

I consider myself fortunate that I know that people are human, humans are fallible, (some) humans have the capacity to extend a hand of forgiveness and help. That doesn't make me "better than" someone else, it just means that I choose not to act like someone I wouldn't respect, if watching me from the outside.

Yes, Red. Really.

You have to remember something. My kids were raised in a poly home. They have always been aware of My involvement in BDSM since I first got started. They weren't in the dark, so there wasn't necessarily anything for them to come along and find. The pictures of Me here dressed in leather are exactly the same way that I was dressed when I was leaving the house to go to an event. Anything that I would consider to have been above their level of understanding at various times was always done on My laptop, which was and still is password protected. As much as I post (remember, I've been here almost four years, so they were underage for part of that time) nobody could think that they didn't know that I was on CM, had submissives, or any other thing. The most that could have ever happened would have been for them to get on the site by other means and happen to find a post that I did regarding strap on play or some other activity before it was age appropriate to discuss it with them.

Of course, I wasn't on the net first and they knew My first slave before he was...... well, My first slave. We didn't even have a computer at that time and I didn't get another one until right before I met MP. We've always had one home computer and one laptop, so it's really hard for Me to say I could have been in the position.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 65

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 9:35:48 AM

SirsSub63

Posts: 18
Joined: 10/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Yesterday. Very good. So she's angry in the heat of the moment, and it should pass.
She was so angry she removed me from her facrbook page.

Time for you go have a talk with her. She's aware that there's a divorce about to hit - how does she feel about that? That's possibly a bigger issue than the Dom on the side.
She doesn't want to even look at me, let alone have a talk right now. She doesn't want a divorce, at all. She wants to be known as the exception and not the norm, as far as parents staying together

In the talk, let her know what's about to happen. Let her do a lot of the talking. Ask if there's something that can be done to ease the impact on her. Don't bring up the Dom unless she does. If she does, find out what specifically is her issue - that you're talking with another man before she's ready to accept the death of your marriage, that you're kinky, what.

Again, good luck.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 66

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 9:39:54 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

She is going to want to try and control a little... the facebook drop isn't that uncommon and predictable. Defense move and a power one to cause a reaction.

Just give her time x

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to SirsSub63)

Post #: 67

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 9:50:31 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirsSub63

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Yesterday. Very good. So she's angry in the heat of the moment, and it should pass.
She was so angry she removed me from her facrbook page.

Time for you go have a talk with her. She's aware that there's a divorce about to hit - how does she feel about that? That's possibly a bigger issue than the Dom on the side.
She doesn't want to even look at me, let alone have a talk right now. She doesn't want a divorce, at all. She wants to be known as the exception and not the norm, as far as parents staying together

In the talk, let her know what's about to happen. Let her do a lot of the talking. Ask if there's something that can be done to ease the impact on her. Don't bring up the Dom unless she does. If she does, find out what specifically is her issue - that you're talking with another man before she's ready to accept the death of your marriage, that you're kinky, what.

Again, good luck.

Of course she doesn't want a divorce, but she doesn't understand that 2 unhappy parents is not going to be what is best in the long run... not for her parents and not for her either.

As far as her facebook page goes, that stuff happens with teenagers.
My youngest neice has added and removed me countless times.
It is a power thing. Something she has control over and a way to make a definitive statement about how angry she is exactly.

She is angry, she needs someone to blame and right now, you are unfortunately IT.

You made a very human mistake.

You wish it hadn't happened but regardless of it happening it doesn't change the fact that divorce was going to happen before yesterday's bad thing.

She just does not yet believe that.
The truth is she may not believe that for awhile because in her mind things were perfect until she found out yesterday.
The facts are that they weren't and she didn't see that.

I have a friend whose 12 year old wants things back they way they used to be and then gets gently reminded the truth of how things were.

Give her time.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to SirsSub63)

Post #: 68

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 9:51:01 AM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

LadyPact,

I have never taken exception to the way you have replied to someone who asked a question, and also admitted that they made a mistake along the way. I think there is a huge difference in the way you replied to SirsSub63 versus some others, in that, while you make have been wondering how the heck???, you actually gave her good advice, and didn't throw a torch at her to light the pyre.

Warmly,
Red

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 69

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 9:56:43 AM

LinnaeaBorealis

Posts: 8595
Joined: 10/5/2008
From: Insanity & beyond
Status: offline

I agree that time is needed here. I remember my daughter at 14. She was a bundle of emotions. She would refuse to speak with me sometimes. I would either step back or if I felt it was something that needed to be brought out into the open, I had ways of getting her to talk with me. She hated my methods, but she was always happier after we talked.

Removing you from her facebook is an age-appropriate thing for her to do. It's symbolic to her. She's hurting right now & she wants to make you hurt also. You are the adult here, so you need to check your reactions to her behavior & make sure that you are reacting in a mature way. At least in front of her. Perhaps you could acknowledge her feelings & let her know that she has a right to feel however she is feeling, that you understand & empathize. Calm is called for, I believe. Even if that's not how you are feeling. We all are allowed our feelings, but it's our actions & reactions that we need to keep in check.

I know that it doesn't seem like it right now, but this too shall pass. It will be painful for awhile, but it's not permanent. I also agree that you might benefit from someone professional to talk with about this. If you google kink friendly therapists, you might be able to find one in your area.

I also would like to comment on some of the reactions on this thread. I believe that we all make mistakes, even the holier-than-thou folks who have said you are a bad parent. I think that mistakes are not necessarily bad things. As long as you learn from them. And it seems that you want to, since that's what your thread is asking for. You made a mistake, it hurts, but you can get beyond it. Anyone who has never made a mistake that has somehow hurt someone else can ascend now. The Bible says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

< Message edited by LinnaeaBorealis -- 1/10/2011 10:02:14 AM >

_____________________________

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
~~L. Cohen

Just one of the yahoo's

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 70

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 10:02:52 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Red,

Well, it wouldn't be the first time that I've been on the site and some computer thing or another didn't make sense to Me. LOL. MP handles all of that stuff in our house.

However, I wouldn't be too soft on Me just yet. My position was and is that if two people are getting divorced (perhaps due to the very reason that there is an incompatibility regarding kink) that it doesn't kill anyone to do the honorable thing and wait until the divorce is cleared up first before becoming involved with other people or BDSM. As you stated earlier, it's difficult enough on a fourteen year old. Supporting the kid through that, in My mind, is the priority. Anybody who is getting into this later in life isn't going to waste away in that year's time that they have to wait to fulfill their own wants. In this case, that's already shot, so all that's left is damage control.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 71

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 10:16:33 AM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline

I completely understand, LP, and don't say that I disagree. I do know that things don't always go in perfect chronological order as to "should." Unfortunately, divorce hurts so many people, and the kids are usually the ones who feel it the most. I hope that this young girl gets some help, and that some way or another, the family gets healing.

(It's been years in the making, but my ex and I area actually very good friends and can co-parent very effectively. I hope the same for the OP, in time to come.)

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 72

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 10:37:25 AM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Fast Reply

Hi OP,

I'm wondering if maybe your daughter is upset about what she perceives as your cheating--and it has zero to do with BDSM. It's going to be tough to tease out the reasons for her anger, but it's possible the BDSM is not what's bothering her. She may not even be aware of the BDSM aspect. I agree with some of the other posters who suggested it's the divorce that upsets her.

But I do think that your situation points out that approval of your mate isn't always enough to pull off poly or exploration or online or whatever. Kids can be blind-sided by unwelcome information. That doesn't make you a bad parent. Empathy is fine. Just don't forget you still are the parent. Don't allow your guilt change the power structure in the family. Don't make this horrible event all about you and your feelings either.

Oh, and do a search for "kink-aware" therapists if you decide to go on that path.

January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to Daddysredhead)

Post #: 73

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 4:52:17 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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I have 3 sons who were devastated when their Dad and I separated- 2 were around your daughter's age OP. It doesn't matter if the child can see that things are not good between the parents, they still want the family to stay together. Counseling is a good idea, it's not adding fuel to the fire, overall divorce in general is a traumatic event for everyone involved.

My own opinion is that you should take the bull by the horns and tell your daughter that you'd like to talk to her when she's ready and then ask her for a date and a time of when this talk will take place- go mark it on the calendar or somewhere that will show her that its happening and there's no backing out. That way you're respecting her need to have things on her terms but she can't play the game of pushing things back indefinitely and/or backing out at the last minute to punish you. You are also showing her that you love her and want to talk things out because you value your relationship with her. Hold your head up, don't go around looking as though you are guilty of something. As you know, much of how others take things is in how the person presents it.

\When you talk with her the general rule of thumb with kids is to ask if she has questions and then talk about what she's asked, but don't offer extra information. As some other posters have said, you dont want her to find out any more than what she knows already and you dont know what exactly she knows. Keep your answers as short and simple as possible, tell her that she's free to come to you in the future. Make sure when you talk that she follows the general rules of respect and that you do as well- this isn't an excuse for her to treat you as less than her mother. You may have fallen in her eyes but you are still her mother - kids need guidelines and rules especially in a traumatic situation. They need to know that things are the same underneath it all. Good luck, this is a tough situation and one I would never want to be in myself.

(in reply to January)

Post #: 74

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 6:04:31 PM

LinnaeaBorealis

Posts: 8595
Joined: 10/5/2008
From: Insanity & beyond
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

I have 3 sons who were devastated when their Dad and I separated- 2 were around your daughter's age OP. It doesn't matter if the child can see that things are not good between the parents, they still want the family to stay together. Counseling is a good idea, it's not adding fuel to the fire, overall divorce in general is a traumatic event for everyone involved.

My own opinion is that you should take the bull by the horns and tell your daughter that you'd like to talk to her when she's ready and then ask her for a date and a time of when this talk will take place- go mark it on the calendar or somewhere that will show her that its happening and there's no backing out. That way you're respecting her need to have things on her terms but she can't play the game of pushing things back indefinitely and/or backing out at the last minute to punish you. You are also showing her that you love her and want to talk things out because you value your relationship with her. Hold your head up, don't go around looking as though you are guilty of something. As you know, much of how others take things is in how the person presents it.

\When you talk with her the general rule of thumb with kids is to ask if she has questions and then talk about what she's asked, but don't offer extra information. As some other posters have said, you dont want her to find out any more than what she knows already and you dont know what exactly she knows. Keep your answers as short and simple as possible, tell her that she's free to come to you in the future. Make sure when you talk that she follows the general rules of respect and that you do as well- this isn't an excuse for her to treat you as less than her mother. You may have fallen in her eyes but you are still her mother - kids need guidelines and rules especially in a traumatic situation. They need to know that things are the same underneath it all. Good luck, this is a tough situation and one I would never want to be in myself.

This is an incredibly insightful & intelligent post. It made me happy to read it. You are amazing, Miss lizi.

_____________________________

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
~~L. Cohen

Just one of the yahoo's

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 75

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 6:21:46 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Gosh...thanks! Much appreciated.

(in reply to LinnaeaBorealis)

Post #: 76

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 6:30:51 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

If I were your daughter, no matter what my age, I'd be angry and not speaking to you either if I found out you were cheating on my dad. Can't blame the girl. I don't think it has anything to do with bdsm but everything to do with the fact that you are messing around behind her father's back and she's rightfully pissed.

At this point though my advice is for you and your husband to seek marriage counseling, you, your daughter and husband to seek family therapy and get offline until you do these things. If you can't seem to bring yourself to do these things then still get offline and get a divorce first.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 77

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 8:45:11 PM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

You realize you are asking a bunch of internet whack jobs for advice in a very serious personal issue?

Just off the top of my head, I wouldn't recommend that.

Riiiiiiiiiiight...WE are the whack jobs. Ok......

He has a point though Red, she is coming to strangers for advice and help. None of us know exactly what her child is upset about. Is it the fact that her mum is on a kink site, is it that her parents are getting divorced, is it that she knows her mum has another man etc.

The thing that most concerns me is that the OP is spending more time here, on the site that caused the problems in the first place. I am not a parent but jeeze if my kid had found my details on a kink site I would be staying away from there for a while and spending time with the kid, even if they didn't want to talk to me or googling health professionals.

RF - in regards to counseling - it sounds like the daughter is struggling with the thoughts of an impending divorce, she would benefit from having someone outside the family who she can talk with honestly and openly and who won't have any hidden agendas.

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
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http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 78

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 8:48:24 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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wandersalone, that was actually my point; I had expressed my opinion on the OP early in this thread and apparently everyone thinks I am some evil bitch who was mean to the poor woman.

Sorry, but I maintain my view that this situation is ridiculous and of the OP's own making. For her to come to the message board instead of dealing with the family matter within the family is nuts.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 1/10/2011 8:49:05 PM >

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 79

RE: Hello, new here..question for anyone willing.. - 1/10/2011 8:57:01 PM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

Red, personally I don't feel that any of us piling the blame on the person is going to be of any help. She clearly feels terrible and yeah, she fucked up in a big way....I am pretty sure she gets that.

But I definitely am with you on logging off CM and speaking to people who actually can provide assistance, not a bunch of internet whack jobs (like me)

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 80

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