Safewords are NOT for novices!

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Safewords are NOT for novices! - 5/3/2006 8:59:52 AM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

There comes a time when one sees that the conventional wisdom of one's community has become infested with a bit of incorrect information. That this has happened with safewords became obvious to me in reading the recent "should a slave in training be allowed safewords?" thread and seeing the numerous misconceptions and bits of misinformation that were repeated over and over by people who really should know better.

To start, we need to define the term so we all are on the same page. A safeword is a word or phrase used to convey a statement of condition between top and bottom in a BDSM scene. Common examples of safewords are “red” (which is commonly used to stop a scene), “yellow” (which is commonly used to express a desire to slow the pace or pause), and “green” (which is commonly used to indicate “more!”). Although similar in function, hand signals and non-verbal communication are not “safewords”, at least for sake of this discussion. Safewords are a tool, created for use in a few forms of intermediate level BDSM scenes, such as immersive role play and resistance play. They allow a bottom to scream “no” or “stop” or “someone help me!” without making the top read the bottom’s mind to determine if they really want to stop, or are just getting into the role play.

Safewords are not universally useful. They are not training wheels, to be taken off once the bottom has gained some experience. They are not something that a top and bottom both need until they get to know one another. They are a particular tool for a particular type of play, and are very useful in that type of play, but can be downright harmful if used in other types of play, particularly when used by novices.

As an example, I once again give this incident from my own past: When I was very new, playing with a very new slave, we had a series of safewords that were to be used to convey our mindsets. During one particular session, my slave started acting a bit peculiar, but I allowed myself to ignore it, as I was sure she would safeword if there was a problem. During the after-care, I learned that there really was a problem, but the slave didn’t safeword, because she “didn’t even think about it.” She was a novice, and was not used to calling a safeword during a very intense scene. I was a novice, and was not really familiar with a slave’s reactions and the fact that many slaves can not safeword during a scene, even if they should and want to. We both would have been much better served if we had simply relied on old fashioned communication, and not relied on the magic of the safeword to protect us.

Yet, as a novice, I was drilled that “a good top uses safewords”. That is simply not true. A good top uses safewords during role and resistance play scenes. Other than that, safewords have no place in a BDSM scene. For a novice, simple rules like “no means no”, “stop means stop”, and “ouch means ouch (though ouch does not mean stop)” are much more useful than any collection of safewords.

Using safewords properly is a skill that is developed, much like throwing a whip or using a cane. Just as no one would ever suggest that a novice must use a single tail on his slave, it is similarly ridiculous to suggest that a novice must use safewords. A rule I have for any tops I mentor is that for the first scene with a new bottom, they can only use their hands for percussive play. They can work their way up to paddles and floggers and canes as they develop a sense for how the body reacts to punishment. Shouldn’t we treat safewords the same way? Instead of shoving them down every newbie’s throat, they should be treated with the same level of education that other tools of their complexity receive.

Safewords should not be used by novices. They should not be treated as some magic safety net. They should be used as the tool they were created to be, and nothing more.

Taggard

< Message edited by TallDarkAndWitty -- 5/3/2006 9:00:58 AM >

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