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Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 8:57:09 PM   
chaoticingenue


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/3/2010
Status: offline 		I've been living with my Dom for three months. When I moved in, I found out that he had cheated on me while visiting me in New York (we were long distance). He actually tied me up and "went to an audition for a few hours," which was actually meeting up with his married ex-sub who he's been in love with for five years. They ended their "relationship" that night with her sucking him off in an alley while I was tied up for 5.5 hours, wondering why his audition was lasting so long.

I found out about this a few days after I moved in to his apartment because I looked on his computer to see if he was still - as he had been doing for our entire long distance relationship (despite my asking him not to and him swearing he wasn't) - emailing girls on CM and trying to get them to hook up with him. Instead, I found out that he had cheated on me that night, that she had refused to talk to him anymore because she felt he was cheating on her with me (she didn't know about me), and that he had written tearful, begging, love emails to her right up until a month before I moved here.

I confronted him about all of it and told him I was leaving and he became nearly hysterical, telling me that he'd been obsessed with her but she'd never been his and I WAS his and he couldn't bear to lose me. Against my better judgment, I stayed and told him he had to regain my trust. He swore he would.

It's three months later, and I keep finding hidden pictures of his ex on his computer. He keeps saying he's deleted all of them, but he keeps hiding them in zip files and he's got his computer backed up with like a zillion copies of her pictures. He just threw away a drawerful of mementos from her yesterday after I had a fit and insisted that he do so, and today I found that he'd hidden one of them in a different drawer. All this at the same time as he introduces me to his family, cuddles me gently and lovingly every hour of the day, plans our lives together and does everything D/s to me that we can possibly desire.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know what to do. Leaving him is not an option right now - I moved here with the last of my money and I don't know ANYone. I can move out in a couple of months, probably, but I also don't want to because I love him. I just don't trust him at all and he is clearly not over his ex. What can I do to make him stop it? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just forgive him for hurting me like that over and over and hope that it gets better soon?
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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:07:46 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		Dear CIG-
I'm sorry that happened to you, but there are a lot of things going on in that post of yours.  Cheating is awful--it hurts almost everyone involved.  (my ex-wife still swears she didn't cheat on me but I don't believe her)  You've given him ample chances, and he continues to lie and cheat.  It's his pattern--and I strongly doubt he will change or stop--even though I don't know anything else about him.  That said--your need to "snoop" to prove your gut instincts--that's unfortunate, too.  There's obviously a complete lack of trust between the two of you.  I know you said you love him--that may be true.  But how many times do you intend to allow your heart to break before you decide you've subjected yourself to enough?  Trust is a huge part of love.

He's a cheater.  a pathological liar and a cheat.  He's done it to others. He's done it to you. He will continue to do it.  It's a pattern, not unlike abusers.  Personally, I don't believe there is anything that you can do to stop it--one person can stop it and that's him.  Forgiving him may help you heal the hurt--it won't stop him from doing it again.  Keep your finances separate and accessible to only you--and as soon as you can get out on your own, I highly recommend it.  This man sounds like someone who will bring you nothing but trouble and misery.

edited for typos and to add:  wish you the best--hope you find someone who deserves your trust.



< Message edited by hausboy -- 3/27/2011 9:09:55 PM >

(in reply to chaoticingenue)
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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:07:50 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chaoticingenue

.........................Should I just forgive him for hurting me like that over and over and hope that it gets better soon?


He. will.not.change.

How do you feel, playing detective? How do you feel second guessing everything he tells you?

You didn't really need to post this to know what you need to do, I bet. Start saving your money. Get solvent, then get gone.

My condolences.

PS Not to mention the fact you should NEVER be left alone tied up. What if there had been a fire?

< Message edited by hlen5 -- 3/27/2011 9:09:51 PM >

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:08:36 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		Since you're not going to leave him... all I can offer is a bit of advice:

Never, ever let anyone tie you up and leave you unattended. WTF would you have done if their was a fire ?

As for the other stuff, I will let others answer your questions, if you need to ask, you probably already know the answer. But since you aren't leaving him, what do you care? You're going to put up with whatever he dishes out.
You've made your choice.

mbmbn



_____________________________

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When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:08:41 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		You can't make him stop. You can only control yourself and at this point I would think you aren't able to do that... because you love him. You will be ready to believe and accept leaving when you hurt more than you love. If it were one woman, that might be a different story, but it is multiple women he has tried to connect with on some level. His lies have broken any foundation you have and therefore, respect. This most likely cannot end well, but until you go through the process, nothing we say will comfort you in the sense of making it better. Because tomorrow you will wake in the same bed, in the same situation, with the same man.

Oh... and I wouldn't be letting him tie you up anymore. Leaving you tied up, alone especially for that long... well, lets just say I think he is an idiot on more than one level and for more than one reason and he could have put your life and well being at risk.

I feel for you, I really do... but until you get over that.. I love him... I need him... no matter what he does to me, so I will try emotional blackmail and manipulation, throwing fits and all... you contribute to the chaos and won't be ready to actually do something healthful... like leave.


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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:09:40 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		lol@hlen.. my thoughts < and posting> exactly on the fire

mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:11:39 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		and ditto on the tied up part.  No one---NO ONE---should be tied up and left alone for any length of time.  Just recently attended a lecture by Jay Wiseman, who gave a number of case studies on deaths that occurred when subs were tied up and left alone.  He's a cheater....AND a poor Dom.  Please lose this guy fast!

(in reply to maybemaybenot)
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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:12:03 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: maybemaybenot

lol@hlen.. my thoughts < and posting> exactly on the fire

mbmbn



Great minds think alike!

Also Chaoticingenue's profile is not found. I'm guessing this is a sock puppet name so he might not see the post.

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:16:08 PM   
chaoticingenue


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/3/2010
Status: offline 		It's true, I don't want him seeing the post and this is a fake name. He doesn't read the boards, but he does follow my profile. I never, ever thought I'd be in a position like this - I've never been the jealous type or comfortable snooping on people, and I never thought I'd stay with someone who cheated on me. I know it seems obvious to you guys that I should leave, but he's incredible to me except for this.

Does it help that he did all of that when we were long distance and he felt we weren't really in a relationship? Except for the current hiding her pictures stuff, of course.

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:17:10 PM   
chaoticingenue


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/3/2010
Status: offline 		About being tied up, I thought that was dangerous too. He did leave me with my cell phone and the ability to dial it, but I did tell him he can never do that ever again.

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:20:14 PM   
vegetablelamb


Posts: 40
Joined: 7/29/2010
From: The Cabbage Patch
Status: offline 		Were it someone else in a similar situation and they told you about someone repeatedly lying and pining after someone, what would you say?

My opinion is that he's been given chances, and repeated his offenses. By that point I'd be convinced he had a seriously problem getting over her, and I wouldn't be put into the position of dealing with him and the object of his obsession. He's not making any real improvement as far as you've written, and that's with you, his submissive that loves him, expressing what is completely reasonable within a healthy relationship. He's with you, not her; he needs a big fat dose of "get the hell over her." You don't have to stop loving him, but I wouldn't exactly put up with him; I'd take a step back, let him get his act together, and then see if things will work together. No point in subjecting yourself to more hurt.

Were it not for you expressing this same thing to him a few times, and it happening repeatedly, I'd tell you to talk with him and so on and so forth. As it is, I hope he can let go of the past and realize what a good thing he has with him before he pushes his luck, otherwise he doesn't deserve you.

Good luck. :]

(in reply to chaoticingenue)
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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:21:48 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chaoticingenue

It's true, I don't want him seeing the post and this is a fake name. He doesn't read the boards, but he does follow my profile. I never, ever thought I'd be in a position like this - I've never been the jealous type or comfortable snooping on people, and I never thought I'd stay with someone who cheated on me. I know it seems obvious to you guys that I should leave, but he's incredible to me except for this.

Does it help that he did all of that when we were long distance and he felt we weren't really in a relationship? Except for the current hiding her pictures stuff, of course.


You will n e v e r regain the trust you had with him. You will always question. Believe me.
He broke the foundation of any enduring relationship. You know these things in your gut, anyway, don't you?

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:22:35 PM   
CarpeComa


Posts: 194
Joined: 5/12/2010
Status: offline 		Once is happenstance, twice is circumstance, thrice is a pattern. Why the hell did you move in with him when it's obvious by your snooping that you didn't trust him?  Doubly so for moving in with him when you didn't have a way out. (no money, didn't know anyone) You've gotten yourself into a bit of a bind. You can't make him stop and you can't make him get over his ex. It was obviously too soon and he did you a disservice by even entertaining you as a possibility. Unless you are willing to live with his lingering obsession and the probability that you are only there to fill the void, then it's time to get a job and move out. If you try to stick it out for those couple of months, it's going to be hell all the way.

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:24:40 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		OP--
You love him...you don't want it to end. You just took a big leap of faith and moved in with him and don't want to just run.  I get that.  But you need to look at the reality.  He may appear to be the greatest, sweetest guy at times.....but that's his shade.  He is a liar and a cheat.  He might be a really, really kind, handsome loving liar and cheat, but take a good hard look at where you are now.  Posting under a false name so he won't see you....snooping through his computer, drawers etc. because you can't trust him (and you shouldn't)

Everything you're saying is also said by women defending their abusers. 

The decision to leave or stay is yours.  I guarantee this leopard won't change his spots.  It wasn't a one time transgression--look at your laundry list--he has continued to betray your trust. I know this is a painful reality, but go and google any of the relationship websites---Dr. Phil, Oprah, anyone else you regularly follow--they all say the same thing about men who repeatedly cheat/lie.  They will continue to do it unless they seek help to stop the cheating compulsions.  You know the truth--deep inside--you know the truth.  You will have only yourself to blame if you stay and he continues to hurt you.

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:24:43 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chaoticingenue

I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know what to do. Leaving him is not an option right now - I moved here with the last of my money and I don't know ANYone. I can move out in a couple of months, probably, but I also don't want to because I love him. I just don't trust him at all and he is clearly not over his ex. What can I do to make him stop it? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just forgive him for hurting me like that over and over and hope that it gets better soon?


Greetings,

We do ourselves a grave disservice when we enter and remain in situations with our eyes wide shut. He's showing you the man he is and it's up to you to decide if what's been revealed adds to or detracts from your person. i believe the answer is fairly obvious at first glance, but the real truth is buried beneath the excuse you're utilizing to maintain the connection. Do you sincerely believe that if he did not quit when you were afar he's going to do so now that you're under the same roof? What motivation does he have to change the behavior when you've accepted it in the past and still chose to move forward? By showing him who you are, you revealed your willingness to make unhealthy compromises for the sake of continuity.

There's a big difference between having 'a' man and being involved with a 'good' man. The real problem has nothing to do with his dishonesty and escapades, but rests upon your complacency and ambivalence concerning the scraps you've consciously digested that are bitter to the taste. And yet you haven't had your fill and you're seeking a miracle cure for an ailment that has no remedy. If he wanted to change he would have done so by now. You share his bed and that isn't enough. How far does he need to debase you to prove just how unimportant this is?

Now it's really cool if you're into that and sharing isn't a problem. i can totally understand if being fucked over is your thing. What i can't accept is the ring of smoke you're puffing up our collective asses. That's more than i can swallow on a good day, and far too much to handle at this hour. My advice is simple. Clean up your mess and move on or suck it up and deal.

my apologies if my verbiage offended you.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:24:55 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: vegetablelamb

............As it is, I hope he can let go of the past and realize what a good thing he has with him before he pushes his luck, otherwise he doesn't deserve you.

Good luck. :]


He doesn't deserve her now. She WILL deserve such treatment if she stays. The first time someone mistreats you, you are a victim, the second time you are a volunteer.

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:25:25 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Excuse me? He is not the only one lying to you here... you are lying to yourself. What the heck do you mean he is incredible with you? He hid a memento, he tied you up for hours to get sucked off by another woman who felt he was cheating on her... not to mention involved you in a situation where he could have been shot by her jealous husband and you left... oh gee.. bound. He has continued to hide pictures in zip files and continues to manipulate you with his lies.

Darlin... your suffering will last a while longer... because you too are lying to yourself and romanticizing over him. You will have to learn the hard way. You are not the only one. I have faced many women across my desk, in a shelter they had to run to. Let's hope you make it there, rather than a pine box.

Harsh... you bet. What is your life worth? Hate me if you like... but get over it and get yourself to some counseling at a women's shelter at least. I realize you may want sympathy and some cuddles and I am sure someone may give them to you... I might have had you not posted that last one. So far the stark truth hasn't convinced you... what will?

Cheaters often monitor their partners and will accuse them of cheating. Pay attention. Your safety may depend on your waking up. If you want more than some sympathy and feel good and you want real help... you will get it but not until you stop this romantic love bit, denial and enabling.


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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:26:59 PM   
chaoticingenue


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CarpeComa
Why the hell did you move in with him when it's obvious by your snooping that you didn't trust him?  Doubly so for moving in with him when you didn't have a way out. (no money, didn't know anyone) You've gotten yourself into a bit of a bind. You can't make him stop and you can't make him get over his ex. It was obviously too soon and he did you a disservice by even entertaining you as a possibility. Unless you are willing to live with his lingering obsession and the probability that you are only there to fill the void, then it's time to get a job and move out. If you try to stick it out for those couple of months, it's going to be hell all the way.


I've been with him for two years long distance. He was "with" her for that whole time (she also lived long distance, and only saw him a few times a year), but I didn't know about it. He said he was in love with me a year ago, and I've been operating under that assumption. I moved here because I thought we were in love with each other. I didn't know he had just ended things with her a month before I moved - I thought she was a long ago distant ex.

Yes, I know I'm in a bind. I guess I was hoping there was ANY other answer than "get the hell out." Especially since I CAN'T yet.

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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:29:50 PM   
CarpeComa


Posts: 194
Joined: 5/12/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hausboy

and ditto on the tied up part.  No one---NO ONE---should be tied up and left alone for any length of time.  Just recently attended a lecture by Jay Wiseman, who gave a number of case studies on deaths that occurred when subs were tied up and left alone.  He's a cheater....AND a poor Dom.  Please lose this guy fast!


Really? I would want citations for that. The statistical odds of that occurring without aggravating factors (such as tied in a unsafe manner or known medical problems) are incredibly small. How often just sitting around home is your life in mortal peril? I would wager that you are statistically safer tied up at home than taking a 30 minute drive to work.

(in reply to hausboy)
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RE: Dishonesty - 3/27/2011 9:30:47 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		Bad news for you. Lockit and all the others here speak the truth, sugar coated or not.
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.
You aren't in a lease...don't own the home...don't have a job yet (right?) ....find a way to get a one-way ticket back to your life before you met that cheating asswipe.

(in reply to chaoticingenue)
Profile   Post #: 20
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