Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

acceptance problems when Entering D/s


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> acceptance problems when Entering D/s Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 6:39:31 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline 		Except for those who really believe they arrived in this world from the womb already a Dom, Domme, or submissive we all trasitioned into this type of life that we call D/s. Can you recall how it was when your first made the trip and the problems you found and how you handled them?

The problems for the "D" type I believe were different that those of the "s" type so if you can be bold enough to so state them, it may well be helpfull to those just now arriving.

What say you?

CP
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 6:52:49 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		ya know I don't feel like I ever transitioned into "d/s". I've simply always been a submissive personality and I've had "kinky" sex since I lost my virginity....so to be honest I have no idea what people mean when they talk about "discovering" or "transitioning". I've always found dominant personality men to be hot and I've always seemed to like "kinky" sex. Is there something more to it that I'm missing?


(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 6:55:31 PM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		My oldest problem, remains my biggest problem....

Understanding their limits and desires.   It's very easy for me to accept another crossing my limits when they don't know and they are respectful about it.   It's much more difficult for me when I do the same.   It takes a bit of time for me to get to the level where I am comfortable in giving a submissive the kink they desire.

Interestingly, this is what finally convinced me that I am truely a submissive even though I take pleasure in being Dominant.  That pleasure only comes when I am comfortable that I am pleasing the submissive I am with.

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 7:11:04 PM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ya know I don't feel like I ever transitioned into "d/s". I've simply always been a submissive personality and I've had "kinky" sex since I lost my virginity....so to be honest I have no idea what people mean when they talk about "discovering" or "transitioning". I've always found dominant personality men to be hot and I've always seemed to like "kinky" sex. Is there something more to it that I'm missing?


littlewonder,

I can assume that your one of the womb pathwalkers. Personally I find that ponderable but certainly acceptable.

Thanks for your thoughts.

CP

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 7:26:17 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		I was about 12 or 13, when I read a story about a couple on their honeymoon. She was on her period, so he decideed to take her in the ass. It wasn't a rape story, but he just took her ass without any consideration for her wants, desires, or comfort. While the story itself was erotic, more than the wank value what struck me was a feeling of "YES" that is what sex should be about. Take it! It belongs to you, just take it!

and that has falvoured the way I approach the opposite sex ever since (except on CM...I am overly polite because I suck at text-based domination).


_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 7:34:21 PM   
Palliata


Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline 		I'm honestly one of those people who believes they were born dominant. Or perhaps more accurately, I was born with a propensity for dominance and developmental stimuli led me there. I have been exploring it openly since a few weeks after losing my virginity and in subtle ways as far back as puberty, so there was no "transition" from vanilla to D/s.

To me it's a lot like homosexuality - a lot of people repress it consciously or subconsciously, or lack the proper stimuli to bring it out, and so they don't discover it in themselves until later in life, but they always have the propensity for it from birth. Those of us lucky enough to discover those sorts of things about ourselves very early on are lucky. We avoid the necessity of 'unlearning' the habits of one life which are incompatible with the other.


_____________________________

I speak not of The Way, but only My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 7:45:26 PM   
SorceressJ


Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline 		With all due respect, Arpig (and I mean that, I really do. You're a good egg and I enjoy your posts).. I must disagree with your statement on the grounds that not having any consideration for another's wants, desires or comfort is neither what sex should be about, nor frankly is it anything to brag about, as it were. Each person's body belongs only to them, and thereafter is lent on the consent of the giver, regardless of gender, D/s designation, or marriage license - and you may all try to disagree with me until you are several shades of blue in the face, but nothing will change. Any assertation to the contrary is just a fantasy. Were it me (which of course it is not. yes I know it's only a story; just sayin'), the protagonist of your long-ago wank story would have found himself in one or more of three places before the night was out: the hospital with injuries, a jail cell with charges pressed, and thence to an annulment court so he could have his worthless last name back.
My only. You may all now rant and rave and tell me how wrong I am to your hearts' content. Carry on..

< Message edited by SorceressJ -- 4/2/2011 7:51:26 PM >

_____________________________

‎Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. <93>)O(

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 8:03:19 PM   
MaxsBoy


Posts: 766
Status: offline 		But that's your relationships SJ, and you enter into them with the expectation that they will run a certain way.  Perhaps Arpig only gets involved with women who feel the same as he does - that her body belongs to him, to use whenever he wishes.  My relationship is this way.  Though we have settled into a very nice pattern of continual switching, with each of us taking a turn on top when appropriate, we agreed from the beginning that I am his toy, and that hasn't changed.  There are times when I'm not in the mood, don't feel well, or have some other valid reason why I wouldn't want to be used.  Sometimes he respects my wishes, sometimes he ignores them as does as he likes.  I wouldn't have it any other way, and neither would he.  Even at times when I am the one in control, he has free reign to use my body as he chooses.  It's just the way we operate.  Today he got angry and used me as a punching bag.  Did I like it?  As a matter of fact, I didn't, and was quite pissed when it happened.  But that doesn't change the fact that it's his right to do so.  Your relationships may vary.

As to the OP, I'm a lifer so I can't answer your question.  I was playing "dungeon" with the little boys when "doctor" was all the rage with other kids my age.  When I started having sex, it was always kinky and rather violent.



_____________________________

~Fox~

Packmate of Max

Fukin Trollop, whipping boi, and unapologetic uberslut

I can't shake this feeling in my head
There's a Devil sleeping in my bed

(in reply to SorceressJ)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 8:07:35 PM   
fitfreak36


Posts: 12
Joined: 2/27/2011
Status: offline 		You sound like you are paying too much attention to people judging you for doing something you actually enjoy. Don't worry about them and get on with it. Enjoy and make sure you share your passion with someone you think is worth it!

Good luck and welcome to the world of bdsm. :-)

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 8:15:21 PM   
SorceressJ


Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline 		Yes, but in the end.. who lives in that body? Who gets up each morning and looks into the eyes in that face?
The fact that you wouldn't have it any other way Fox, implies the consent previously mentioned. His "right to do so" was given to him, by you. Is it not so?

At any rate, I said what I came to say based yes, on my own opinions of far more than just relationship style, and not to argue, and certainly not to derail this thread; therefore this will be my last post here.
To each their own.. happiness.

_____________________________

‎Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc. <93>)O(

(in reply to MaxsBoy)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 8:19:21 PM   
SexyBossyBBW


Posts: 1693
Joined: 2/25/2010
Status: offline 		I happened upon D/s, during introspection into why I found "normal" relationships to feel so abnormal for me, and accidentally (I thought) attracting men asking to be my submissive or slave repeatedly.

I found that being accepted online, is far more difficult, than being accepted at real life events. No one is probably going to agree with me, but I've found BDSM event folks to be a lot more friendly,and a lot less suspicious of newcomers, or someone who might look different.
Even if you are shy about attending munches, meetings, or play parties, I would try and connect with people who do attend, because they may be willing to hold your hands and go with you. Nothing beats learning live, by watching or doing, rather than just reading. M

_____________________________

"..touching was and still is and always will be the True Revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Only when there are many people who are pools of peace, silence, understanding, will war disappear." -Osho

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 8:22:07 PM   
MaxsBoy


Posts: 766
Status: offline
quote:

Yes, but in the end.. who lives in that body? Who gets up each morning and looks into the eyes in that face?
The fact that you wouldn't have it any other way Fox, implies the consent previously mentioned. His "right to do so" was given to him, by you. Is it not so?


Not really.  He took before I ever gave consent.  But as usual we're the exception and I won't say it is that way - or should be that way - for anyone but us.  What I really wanted to illustrate (and did so badly, as usual) is that the appearance of a lack of consent, as in Arpig's story, does not mean there is no actual consent.  And that Arpig is, I'm sure, talking about that sort of situation.  I don't see him as the kind of man who would take from someone who truly didn't want to give it to him, even if the timing (and her desire) is a bit off some of the times that he does the actual taking.

_____________________________

~Fox~

Packmate of Max

Fukin Trollop, whipping boi, and unapologetic uberslut

I can't shake this feeling in my head
There's a Devil sleeping in my bed

(in reply to SorceressJ)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 8:33:08 PM   
oceanwynds2


Posts: 66
Joined: 1/8/2011
Status: offline 		Hello OP
Oh geeze, i was 55 when i first heard BDSM. I could not begin to fathom what a submissive was/is. It has been a rough battle within. My opinion about submissives and slaves was actually nothing more than a fallacy.

We might hear opinions in regard to D/s, and much of it seems to resonate with me, but an underlining belief kept frustrating me. My first lesson was to observe and rethink what is a submissive, and letting go of my stupid prejudices. This took me several years to get through all my 'patterns'. By doing this, i set myself free.

Submissive does not mean a weak and emotional lost lass. It is not equated to a doormat. It is not representative of the 'stepford wives',

Submissive is imho a very strong personality attribute.,,

(in reply to SorceressJ)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 8:39:42 PM   
fitfreak36


Posts: 12
Joined: 2/27/2011
Status: offline 		Totally agree with ocean.

(in reply to oceanwynds2)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 8:42:33 PM   
twistedwillow


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline 		This


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

ya know I don't feel like I ever transitioned into "d/s". I've simply always been a submissive personality and I've had "kinky" sex since I lost my virginity....so to be honest I have no idea what people mean when they talk about "discovering" or "transitioning". I've always found dominant personality men to be hot and I've always seemed to like "kinky" sex. Is there something more to it that I'm missing?





_____________________________

Jesus died to forgive our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? —Jules Feiffer
Don't be fooled by the pretty words and sweet face.. sarcasm is the norm not the exception.



(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 8:48:21 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I am a later in life Dominant.  My biggest problem when I first got started was realizing that I didn't know crap about it and had to spend the time and patience to acquire that knowledge.  That meant spending time reading about it, learning the way that other people's dynamics worked, and getting as many educational opportunities as I could.  It wasn't as easy back then because it was harder to find munch groups and such.  That was back when folks called you on the phone list, rather than post events to the web.  I have to admit, I kind of miss the close knit groups that produced.

My second biggest challenge was that I wasn't a sadist when I started out and everyone (including My s-type) expected Me to be.  I had to come into that when I was ready, rather than folks assuming I had to be their idea of a Domme.  To tell you the truth, I'm a bit glad for that part of it.  I feel that it gave Me a strong foundation.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MaxsBoy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 8:48:23 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		OP et al:
I may have a different experience than some on this forum---I came from the Butch/Femme culture.  They had an saying "butch on the streets, femme in the sheets" which was often a very back-handed insult to some butches, who would never openly admit to "receiving" anything sexual.  I started off as a Stone Butch--I didn't even want to be touched--just wanted to be sexually the aggressive one.   It wasn't until I played with a fellow butch (and fellow kinkster) that I found the enjoyment "on both sides of the sheets," if you will.

My journey in BDSM was not dramatically different-- I started off as a bottom, and never imagined that I would ever be a top.  While there was no shortage of butch bottoms, I did initially encounter some flack from other butches about submitting to a femme.  (That nonsense was usually settled once they saw how tough my Femme Domme was--she may have been petite and femme, but could have taken down anyone in that dungeon.)

Within the butch culture in BDSM, a good number of us identified as SAMs, because to admit we were submissive--that we willingly submitted...was sometimes seen as "weakness" in the butch community. (Ridiculous, I know. So were a lot of things back then...)   Fortunately, I met a lot of wonderful Dommes who were able to "deprogram" all of that baloney, and I found the strength in submission.  At the time, I couldn't ever imagine being a Dom.

It wasn't until I met someone who was brand new and wanted to bottom, that I was able to get in touch with the Dom part of myself.  Fortunately for me, I was able to help guide her on a similar journey, and found over time she enjoyed being a Domme, so for the rest of our relationship, it worked out quite well for both of us.

As for consent--that seems to be the second thread within this thread--consent for me and my partners must always be there.  I hear what Fox is saying--and that works for him and his Alpha.  I can't play angry---and will not permit myself (or anyone in my care) to be struck out of an angry place--but I will qualify it by saying that I have a discipline dynamic, not a punishment dynamic.  When I get disciplined at my Household, even if he raises his voice, reprimands me, etc.  I know that he isn't truly angry and I don't truly feel terrible about the infraction. Some of the harshest discipline I receive was over something minor--what allowed me to remain in subspace and "take it" we both knew there was consent in place. 

< Message edited by hausboy -- 4/2/2011 8:50:05 PM >

(in reply to MaxsBoy)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 9:13:32 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		I think there's a huge difference between having dominant tendencies through nature/nurture and "being a dominant" -- especially in the BDSM sense. So I don't see those two things as mutually contradictory.

For me, the biggest problem by far was sorting out the fact from the fiction. I got started online and... well... yeah. Getting through the layers of outright lying and then the untruths formed by peoples' self delusion took a lot of time. Things went better when we hooked up with real life people in the real world. Once Carol and I got things in motion I worked through these questions (and probably a few other things I'm forgetting). I'm giving these in simple Q/A format but some times there were months in between me beginning to formulate the question and getting to the answer.

Q: Is it OK to boss Carol around?
A: Why wouldn't it be? I boss people around all the time in other contexts and that generally turns out well.

Q: How do I make her obey.. especially if I hate punishment?
A: Dominate her then disallow disobedience.

Q: What about making her do "stupid slave tricks".. is that an "abuse of power"??
A: Nope. Not if it makes me happy which in turn makes her happy.

Q: What about totally selfish commands
A: See above

Q: What if SOMETHING GOES WRONG??
A: What, specifically, is this thing which is going to go wrong and why can't Carol and I just deal with it when whatever it is comes up? Chickenshit worry.

Q: By what right do I do this?
A: Because I'm dominant and I want to. Power doesn't need a "right" to exist, it just does.

Q: Wow! I have A LOT of authority! What checks and balances are there?
A: None. There's no safety net. Deal with it. Trust in my own sense of ethics and morality. It's stood me in good stead so far.

Q: Is it OK to command her thoughts & emotions too?
A: Whether or not it's OK it's necessary to achieve the kind of harmony I want. Besides, Cesar does it on Dog Whisperer, why can't I?

Q: What about ownership though? Do you really want to make Carol see herself as human property? That might have unanticipated consequences?
A: Repeat of the chickenshit worry above. Name the fear or let go of it.

~Jeff

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 9:14:38 PM   
YoungBlondeSlave


Posts: 953
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		I discovered it soon after graduating high school. I fell asleep on my boyfriend while we were having sex and realized that if that was all sex was, I could do without. Luckily, the World Wide Web helped me to find answers to my queries...and pictures to go along with it (which was just like fuel to a fire when it came to needing to know more about the D/s lifestyle, relationships and dynamic itself). But then, as I continued to learn and meet people I would look back on things in my life and realize that it wasn't a diversion or fetish, it wasn't just another way to spice up my sex life. It was just a part of me that was dormant for some time and slowly became more evident as time went by. Now, I know that I am now, and always will be a submissive. I didn't just decide one day "I'm gonna be a submissive now." It's who I am. It's who I always will be.

_____________________________

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. Bill Cosby

Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings. Salvador Dali


(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: acceptance problems when Entering D/s - 4/2/2011 9:18:12 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince

Except for those who really believe they arrived in this world from the womb already a Dom, Domme, or submissive we all trasitioned into this type of life that we call D/s. Can you recall how it was when your first made the trip and the problems you found and how you handled them?

The problems for the "D" type I believe were different that those of the "s" type so if you can be bold enough to so state them, it may well be helpfull to those just now arriving.

What say you?

CP

I have been submissive for as long as I can remember. The only transition I had to make, if you can call it that, was realizing that I could have a d/s relationship 24/7 and how to make it happen.
It was never a question of how do I become submissive.

_____________________________



(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> acceptance problems when Entering D/s Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109