exclusivity

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

exclusivity

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> exclusivity

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

exclusivity - 4/17/2011 5:48:45 PM

weird123m

Posts: 23
Joined: 8/20/2010
Status: offline

As a Dom this is something that has always confused me: at what point when you are getting to know a submissive do you bring up the issue of being exclusive to one another? Do you wait until you have decided to move any relationship forward or does it happen when the other person has simply piqued your interest in getting to know them?

Post #: 1

RE: exclusivity - 4/17/2011 5:52:38 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Same thing you do when you are dating. "Hey I dig you, you did me. Let's not see other folks and see where this goes. Let's go steady!" What makes you think you will be the one who brings up the topic?

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to weird123m)

Post #: 2

RE: exclusivity - 4/17/2011 5:56:48 PM

weird123m

Posts: 23
Joined: 8/20/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Same thing you do when you are dating. "Hey I dig you, you did me. Let's not see other folks and see where this goes. Let's go steady!" What makes you think you will be the one who brings up the topic?

best,
sunshine

It has just been a topic that I have always been the one to bring forward in the past. I like to tell the other person when I'm interested in moving forward. That doesn't mean I have to always be the one to bring it up. It would be great to have a potential partner ask for it.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 3

RE: exclusivity - 4/17/2011 6:03:27 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Yeah, if you wanted to talk about exclusivity while we are still getting to know each other, I'd be out the door.

I was a fairly prolific dater for a long time (good term - no? "prolific dater"

) and then I met "the one". I was dating 5 guys when I finally agreed to go out with him (just once, and then you leave me alone, ok?)... Well.... we had a great time. He knew I was dating 5 other guys at the time. He never said a word about it. Before long, the other guys fell by the wayside. I would rather sit in the one's company reading a newspaper than doing anything with the other guys. He was fascinating. He never asked me to stop dating other guys. He never even hinted at it. I just did. I wanted to be with him. ALL THE TIME. And then he was surprised when I mentioned the guys I "used to" date. You're not still dating other guys? He asked me. I may have blushed.

And that's when we had the conversation. It just happened.

best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to weird123m)

Post #: 4

RE: exclusivity - 4/17/2011 6:35:15 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

i don't do exclusivity, nor do i require it.

hannah lynn

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to weird123m)

Post #: 5

RE: exclusivity - 4/17/2011 7:09:07 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

On the other hand, I preferred to focus on one person at a time. I also preferred a man who did the same. I never found it a hardship to say I wasn't available for the next couple of weeks while I talked only to one. If we clicked, I wouldn't want to date anyone else. If we didn't, presumably I would talk to the other guy a week later. And if he couldn't accept the fact that I wasn't canceling everyone else to see him immediately, then he wasn't the kind of guy I would want to know anyway.

You do it when you feel it's important to you to do so. If they don't feel the same, best you know that as early as possible.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 6

RE: exclusivity - 4/17/2011 8:19:58 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: weird123m

As a Dom this is something that has always confused me: at what point when you are getting to know a submissive do you bring up the issue of being exclusive to one another? Do you wait until you have decided to move any relationship forward or does it happen when the other person has simply piqued your interest in getting to know them?

Greetings,

Exclusivity isn't my forte until the connection has been solidified face to face. i never assume i'm the only individual a gentleman is conversing with and he'd be mistaken to do the same. i have only been compelled in one instance to move away from other prospects but that was a notable exception that i probably will never repeat. In my opinion it's unrealistic until things have reached a point where both desire something definite. Until that occurs i'm keeping my options open and i would expect that he'd do the same.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to weird123m)

Post #: 7

RE: exclusivity - 4/17/2011 8:29:44 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

for me personally exclusivity happens when I meet someone in person and we both realize we like each other. I don't tell him that I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. I just simply never have any interest in getting to know anyone else at that point.

I can only concentrate on one person at a time. I can't handle the stress of anymore than one at a time.

Now when he decides to be exclusive is his choice. I never push the issue. It happens when it happens.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 8

RE: exclusivity - 4/17/2011 8:46:14 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: weird123m

As a Dom this is something that has always confused me: at what point when you are getting to know a submissive do you bring up the issue of being exclusive to one another? Do you wait until you have decided to move any relationship forward or does it happen when the other person has simply piqued your interest in getting to know them?

As a Dom, it's in my profile for all to read....

I guess you have to decide if you seek a relationship or just meat to exchange bodily fluids with - and the latter has never appealed to me.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to weird123m)

Post #: 9

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 5:34:01 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: weird123m
As a Dom this is something that has always confused me: at what point when you are getting to know a submissive do you bring up the issue of being exclusive to one another?

As others have stated, this is simply a matter of personal preference. The two individuals have to agree on whatever is comfortable for them. As long as they both agree to it, then it's okay. But every couple will be different.

Personally, I don't understand people who leap too quickly into exclusivity with someone that they've never even met in real life. Particularly if that person is hundreds or even thousands of miles away.

IMO, there's no need to even discuss exclusivity until you've actually met face-to-face. But I'm sure there are people who will chime in and say that they are exclusive with someone who they've only met on-line. So like I said earlier, it's really up to the individuals.

(in reply to weird123m)

Post #: 10

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 6:18:01 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: weird123m

As a Dom this is something that has always confused me: at what point when you are getting to know a submissive do you bring up the issue of being exclusive to one another? Do you wait until you have decided to move any relationship forward or does it happen when the other person has simply piqued your interest in getting to know them?

Great question, especially for those who tend to meet online and then move to a real time relationship.

There are fem subs who get very upset if they find out a dom they are talking to online line is also talking to other females. Personally, I've never understood this. In the beginning of a relationship, I believe both sides should strive for reciprocal levels of trust and commitment. I also believe you should be getting to know each other as friends only (not dom/sub) until you meet.

If someone is truly interested in you, they should be willing to put their money where their mouth is and make plans to meet in person faily soon. Even if they have to fly in or you both drive to a mid point, whatever, it's not real until you meet for real.

To me a first meeting is like a first date. You are just getting to know one another, and even if you decide to have sex, I would never assume that to mean an exclusive relationship. Somehow you have to balance the rational need to go slow and get to know one another with the intense desire of wanting/needing a potential sex partner and lover.

For me personally, if I have sex with someone, they know beforehand what my situation is concerning other (possible) sex partners. If I don't feel I am ready to be exclusive, I let someone know that. Like most females, I tend to follow my heart in romantic relationships. However, until I commit, there is no guarantee of exclusivity, and that could take several months and lots of meets.

_____________________________

(in reply to weird123m)

Post #: 11

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 7:19:07 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
You do it when you feel it's important to you to do so. If they don't feel the same, best you know that as early as possible.

This.

For me, that moment is "before we meet". I'm only interested in long-term monogamous relationships and that means I'm only looking at single partners. In my eyes, if you are dating someone else, then you're not single.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 12

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 9:18:27 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I think the sunny one's experience is the exception and not the rule. Most people I know who are dating numerous people at once aren't really ready for a monogamous long term relationship. Thus they spread their intimacy about to prevent committing to one. Sunny of course has huge self awareness, but most people don't.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 13

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 9:36:45 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I think the sunny one's experience is the exception and not the rule. Most people I know who are dating numerous people at once aren't really ready for a monogamous long term relationship. Thus they spread their intimacy about to prevent committing to one. Sunny of course has huge self awareness, but most people don't.

i disagree and find Sunny's comments to be representative of the dating atmosphere that i'm most familiar with. Her behavior is very prevalent among non kinky types as well. Most people don't relegate themselves to one lone consideration that hasn't been nailed down thus far. Choosing not to restrict their activities has nothing to do with maturity and is merely a reflection that getting acquainted is merely that. It doesn't mean you'll move forward upon commencement.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 10:10:16 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I agree with this also. The fact that my personal tastes don't run to "playing the field" doesn't mean that there's anything fundamentally wrong with those who do and in fact the strategy makes a lot of sense for those that think like that.

It's also true that even for me there's some sort of dividing line where it "doesn't count". Had Carol told me that she was actively dating when we met then I would've passed on her. But had she said that she went out and got one drink with some guy 8 weeks ago, that would still count in my head as "single". But as soon as there were a lot of active dating and/or even one person who'd risen above the general background noise then I'm not seeing her as "available" anymore. Had she said, "Well there is this guy I've seen a few times..." I would've said, "Let me know how that turns out."

I find it interesting that both Carol and I have never dated more than one person at once... not even in high school or earlier.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 15

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 10:29:04 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

I agree with this also. The fact that my personal tastes don't run to "playing the field" doesn't mean that there's anything fundamentally wrong with those who do and in fact the strategy makes a lot of sense for those that think like that.

i don't look at it as playing the field but merely being practical. Exchanging a couple of messages with someone doesn't mean we're mutually exclusive. It would be errant and extremely naive for me to think that he's chosen me as the woman he plans to pursue rather than one he's considering for that role. That's the difference. The acquaintance period allows both parties to surmise if further exploration is feasible for either.

quote:

But as soon as there were a lot of active dating and/or even one person who'd risen above the general background noise then I'm not seeing her as "available" anymore. Had she said, "Well there is this guy I've seen a few times..." I would've said, "Let me know how that turns out."

i don't consider getting acquainted as actual dating. For me, dating implies that i've narrowed down my choice and the individual has secured my attention. Having lunch or dinner with someone is a far cry from being available whenever the desire exists for both. Perhaps i'm merely getting liberal in my old age. i don't get bent out of shape about these things because i'm not staking my hope (and heart) on "that" person being the right fit. That approach often leads to broken hearts and unmet expectations. From where i sit it's not a done deal.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 16

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 10:30:43 AM

Ariane23

Posts: 88
Joined: 12/2/2007
Status: offline

Every situation is unique. Some people presume exclusivity early on, others wait until it's official.

I accidently hurt someone's feelings once because he had assumed, at a time when I wasn't looking for that. I don't think it's always up to the Dom/me either. The last long term exclusive relationship I had was initiated by the sub, who explained that it was important to him. At the time I was too busy to deal with others anyway, so agreed to it and stuck with it for two years. I released him before seeking others. More because his devotion had waned than because of my own need. We're still friends.

I think that if you have strong feelings toward someone enough to want to be exclusive, or you jsut happen to work that way, you should discuss it and agree your parameters. You can save a lot of trouble by making sure you both define the boundaries by the same rules.

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 17

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 12:20:22 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

~FR~
Exclusivity begins when a commitment of some sort is made, and not a moment before. To require exclusivity before that is just unrealistic, especially in an online context. Once a commitment of some sort has been made, then it is up to those involved.

Personally, I used to be all for complete mutual exclusivity, but times have changed. As of now I require complete exclusivity on the part of any partner of mine, but will not accept any such limitation on my part. It's not fair, but then again, I never claimed I was a fair person, now did I?

< Message edited by Arpig -- 4/18/2011 12:21:01 PM >

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran

(in reply to Ariane23)

Post #: 18

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 12:42:16 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I think the sunny one's experience is the exception and not the rule. Most people I know who are dating numerous people at once aren't really ready for a monogamous long term relationship. Thus they spread their intimacy about to prevent committing to one. Sunny of course has huge self awareness, but most people don't.

I disagree. I have several non-kinky friends who date several people at once because they haven't met the person who really "does it" for them yet, but they enjoy going out. These are mature, self aware people, who very much prefer a long term monogamous relationship, but haven't found it yet.

I was enjoying time with a friend/play partner when the Man and I began corresponding. He ("the Man") was also quasi seeing someone who didn't have the time available to commit to a D/s relationship, and no commitment had been made between them. We were both up front about these other situations, yet something between us clicked and we kept talking. It became clear there was something between us, and I stopped seeing the play partner simply because I wanted to devote my energy on this man who had my full interest. After we met in person, he pulled back on his other situation.

I was the one who brought up exclusivity, after we met. I told him I didn't want to see anyone else, and just wanted to focus on him, and he said he felt the same.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 19

RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 2:07:35 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: weird123m

As a Dom this is something that has always confused me: at what point when you are getting to know a submissive do you bring up the issue of being exclusive to one another? Do you wait until you have decided to move any relationship forward or does it happen when the other person has simply piqued your interest in getting to know them?

At the very beginning. If she wants my time then she better focus on me. What am I? Just running round in the hope she does me a favour? Fuckin' hell, that sort of thing gets you dipped in a vat of acid.

I ain't one for competing with anyone for anyone's affections, and there's a bit of the conservative in me and the romantic in me when it comes to relationships.

More importantly, I'm the type to focus on one person in depth, as opposed to spreading my time across a few; and I'd demand nothing less in return.

Edited to add: in the event you have the self confidence to know you have a lot to offer, more than most, then you're not going to entertain the idea of being just another horse in a field of ten with a 6/1 chance. Start as you mean to go on, and I'm a massive fan of intensity.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 4/18/2011 2:13:00 PM >

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to weird123m)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> exclusivity

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109