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RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 10:48:13 PM   
NorthernGent


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

I understand that comment as we talk one on one and we focus on each other and dont date anyone else while getting to know each other.


I didn't get that from the posts.  I got that he expects her to not date anyone else while not offering the same in return, while they get to know each other.  If I've misunderstood I'd welcome the correction, as that's what I've been responding to.  NG? Can you clarify?



I wouldn't expect anyone to do anything I myself couldn't follow through.

I prefer to focus my time on one woman, and it's something I do without even thinking about it, it's second nature.

Edited to add: when it comes to principles that is......

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 4/18/2011 10:49:57 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 11:01:07 PM   
NorthernGent


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

That really did make me laugh out loud.  Why are you so easily offended? B/c your game plan isn't working in terms of finding the quality "in depth" female you seek? You never did answer that question . . . .



I could engage you in a battle of wits, I suppose, but I have a slow painful, death to attend to, one which is infinitely more appealing than a conversation with you. My suggestion to you is to find a like minded soul who comes here to engage in pointless, mindless, tit-for-tat cycles of verbal violence.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 11:10:33 PM   
sunshinemiss


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Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		NorthernGent
I ain't one for competing with anyone for anyone's affections, and there's a bit of the conservative in me and the romantic in me when it comes to relationships.

sunshinemiss
Utter nonsense.

***

Yes, I did say that. Thinking that a woman should stop everything and focus on you when she doesn't know you from a can of paint is in fact utter nonsense in my opinion. You're just some guy on the computer, some dude attached to some pixels, a name on a screen. And you expect her to put her eggs in that basket? A woman does that, and I think she's foolish.

You can think that you are the great, grand poobah of manliness, but if she hasn't met you, hasn't gotten to know you, hasn't found *that* spark with you, then why in heaven's name would she chuck all other interactions for you? I would think someone who did that was desperate. In my world, what looks like desperation is not attractive. But if you dig that kind of behavior, hey, that's cool. Clearly others have the same attitude as you. It's just not my personal way of looking at the world.

best,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 4/18/2011 11:24:34 PM >

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RE: exclusivity - 4/18/2011 11:58:03 PM   
NorthernGent


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Status: offline 		Post to no one in particular:

I think prizing commitment, meaningful relationships and the courtesy to focus your energy on someone who must have caught your attention for you to be in his/her company (with a view to potentially building a relationship), is a prerequisite for uplifting human interaction, and these need not be compromised by it being relatively early in getting to know one another.

It's one of the downsides of the advancement of technology, liberal ideas and science, that it seems some people treat such human interaction as part of the consumer society, i.e. weighing up the benefits of two products. It's all a touch rational for me, in a situation that demands intutition, inspiration and feeing.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 1:47:22 AM   
Ariane23


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent


I assume every woman has the strength of character to say no when she has doubts, or, in other words 'decide she's not going to be with anyone who hasn't shown a healthy interest in her'. And 'if he's not sure' then he needs to be open about it, so the woman can make her choice.

Planning goes a long way, and there are plenty of good women out there - meaning you can afford to take your time, watch how she carries herself and how she thinks, before introducing yourself.



And what about actually getting to know a person? I have more than one divorce behind me as a result of getting wrapped up in new relationship bliss. I won't make exclusive commitments now unless I've had some time with the person to get to know them well enough to decide I really do want their company long term, exclusively.

The fact that you've sized up how a woman carries herself doesn't mean she knows you well enough to make a commitment.

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 2:28:00 AM   
porcelaine


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

Post to no one in particular:

I think prizing commitment, meaningful relationships and the courtesy to focus your energy on someone who must have caught your attention for you to be in his/her company (with a view to potentially building a relationship), is a prerequisite for uplifting human interaction, and these need not be compromised by it being relatively early in getting to know one another.


Are you implying that the medium of interaction has no bearing on your approach? Which would suggest that regardless if the individual were in your vicinity or located in several states away you'd still hold yourself in reserve? Also, at what point during the getting acquainted process do you believe the engagement has been solidified. and is that possible without in person interaction from your perspective? Lastly, are you looking at your interactions in a traditional sense of courtship? If so, does the actual courtship (without guarantee) require both to discourage outside inquiries?

As for your earlier remarks, in my opinion when you've articulated what you seek in a prospective partner and realize that requires some measure of patience it is easy to reconcile the time required to unearth the proverbial needle so to speak. i find those that are frustrated by the process are usually persons that haven't pinpointed these things, grown impatient with the space between, or bought into the idea that partnership would happen instantaneously. Waiting for the right one is of no consequence when i consider the alternative.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 2:57:23 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		FR

my advise to women looking for their 'one and only' is that he does not exist, however a man that comes as close as possible to being 'Mr Right' in my personal experience would still like his woman to be innocent and totally unattached and he is not too patient and not too understanding...

so ladies: do not talk about other men... and if you have to then play down their importance in your life... certainly do not volunteer info that you are seeing somebody just for the sex... or having regular one night stands.
It is just the same as you looking at him and knowing he is dating other women and having somebody he sees just for some nooky, it would not be nice... honesty is overrated in certain circumstances

most men still would ask a woman if she will be his, but he will expect her to already be his when he pops the question

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 3:21:28 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

That really did make me laugh out loud.  Why are you so easily offended? B/c your game plan isn't working in terms of finding the quality "in depth" female you seek? You never did answer that question . . . .



I could engage you in a battle of wits, I suppose, but I have a slow painful, death to attend to, one which is infinitely more appealing than a conversation with you. My suggestion to you is to find a like minded soul who comes here to engage in pointless, mindless, tit-for-tat cycles of verbal violence.


That's the best you can do? <insert girly giggle here> Like you, I am here to converse and debate. You obviously don't appreciate females capable of debating.  Instead of admitting how very biased you are, you choose to put me down b/c I think your approach is unrealistic (and I am not the only one.)

Thinking the superior in depth female is going to be waiting around for you to notice her only works in chat rooms. Real females do not need to wait around for someone to notice them, men notice them all the time. I know it offends your macho sensibilities, but reasonable attractive, intelligent females who like sex do not have trouble garnering male attention. Really we don't have to look for it, it's there. I can and have gone to the grocery store in sweats and had some male in line with me tell me how "lucky my husband was."  Men flirt with me all the time. It doesn't mean I fuck everything under the sun, or (if I was still seeking) building a stable of men to compete for my attentions, I don't need to.


As I mentioned earlier, the man I am with now did not compete for my attentions in the least, he knew he was head and shoulders above the rest and waited for me to realize it. He displayed utter assurance and self confidence without being arrogant or pushing me in any way. Every single thing he did was based on his desire to have me trust him. Not to submit to him, to trust him. Once I trusted, submission was quite natural.

But you don't build trust in a few online conversations, it takes time. And expecting a female of any worth to ignore all the other males clamoring for her attention is again, less than realistic.


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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 3:37:48 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Often, a man wants to take a female off the market immediately

Just to be clear, my view was a bit different. I wouldn't be taking the female "off the market" because I never would've seen her as "on the market" to start with. As far as I'm concerned, if there is another man in the picture then she's not available in any market I shop in. It's just not what I do nor is it what women compatible with me do. I'd never meet such a woman... at least not with the eyes of romantic interest.


But what does that mean exactly, another man in the picture? Someone she is having sex with, like a fuck buddy? Someone she is stringing along for sex until the right guy comes along? I don't do that. I have had times when I have been celebite for years. The male assumption that a female who gets a lot of male attention is having sex is not necessarily correct. The fact that I can have does not mean I do. I'm not 20 anymore, I'm allowed to show some discretion.

In any case, the times I have been unattached, I have had a long queue of men clamoring for my attention. I didn't look for them, they were there. And I am certainly not talking about the low hanging fruit. I can discard those in seconds.

How exactly should one rise above the other? The focus on one at a time idea is great if you have years to pursue that. Most of us don't.

If you find what you think is a great female and she is not dating, talking to, and interacting with other males, there is a very good chance she is not as great as you think.


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RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 4:05:16 AM   
kiwisub12


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent


It is discussed by me. You're hedging your bets? That's fine. Crack on. But you're not for me. I don't get along too well with women who think 'the more doms I met the more likely I was to find the one I'm compatible with'.

See, by the time I meet a woman I've worked out that we're compatible, I wouldn't meet a woman unless I've decided she has what it takes; and as I'm the judge and jury in these matters then that's all she needs to know.


I don't understand your rationale - if you don't meet women how can you tell that you are compatible? You can talk to them all day long on the phone or email, but until you actually meet them you really can't know them.

And getting to know several men isn't hedging my bets, since i haven't thrown my eggs into one basket yet. Hedging my bets would be committing to one, and having another in reserve in case the one didn't work out.

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Profile   Post #: 50
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 4:09:43 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12


quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent


It is discussed by me. You're hedging your bets? That's fine. Crack on. But you're not for me. I don't get along too well with women who think 'the more doms I met the more likely I was to find the one I'm compatible with'.

See, by the time I meet a woman I've worked out that we're compatible, I wouldn't meet a woman unless I've decided she has what it takes; and as I'm the judge and jury in these matters then that's all she needs to know.


I don't understand your rationale - if you don't meet women how can you tell that you are compatible? You can talk to them all day long on the phone or email, but until you actually meet them you really can't know them.

And getting to know several men isn't hedging my bets, since i haven't thrown my eggs into one basket yet. Hedging my bets would be committing to one, and having another in reserve in case the one didn't work out.


Well said.


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RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 4:38:38 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I've never *dated* a man in my life that I wasn't interested in as MORE than a friend.

I see NG's point of view quite well, but this could be because I'm from the UK too.

I am either *going out* with a chap..... or he is a friend.  I wonder if *dating* means different things across the cultures.

I've been to a gig this week with one male friend, had another over for the evening who crashed here, and spent another evening having a drink and playing Scrabble with another.......I'm not *dating* them, they are friends/mates/pals. I'm fully in a relationship and have been for years.

If I'm *dating* then the person is not a *friend*......he's a *potential something or other*.

For me, there's a difference between a date and a mate. I don't consider getting to know someone as a dating process at all, I consider it as just that...*getting to know them*.....as a person, possibly a friend.......but never as a possible partner.

I've never been on the *hunt* or looked for anyone, so I could very likely have a different outlook. I am far more aligned with NG and Jeff though.

Either I'm free to pursue a *date* or I'm already *dating*. Either way, I'm either free or I'm not. I've never expected anyone to be particularly interested in me if I'm already focussed elsewhere, however tentatively.

agirl












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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 5:47:04 AM   
DesFIP


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quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine


No, but i can't fathom why you find the comment odd given your earlier remarks which suggested:

"Most people I know "
Rather than see their behavior as a personal choice that's in response to what works for them in their private lives, you elect to view them as ill prepared for a serious relationship. i can't understand how you can make gross generalizations about others and find them ill fitting when you're on the receiving end.

Namaste,

~porcelaine



I wasn't making gross generalizations about people in general. I specifically stated that this is what I have observed in people whom I have known. And when someone keeps saying they want a long term relationship yet sets up obvious roadblocks to that for decades, then it's acting out of deep seated problems, and not a coolly reasoned, deliberate choice.




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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 7:05:37 AM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

I understand that comment as we talk one on one and we focus on each other and dont date anyone else while getting to know each other.


I didn't get that from the posts.  I got that he expects her to not date anyone else while not offering the same in return, while they get to know each other.  If I've misunderstood I'd welcome the correction, as that's what I've been responding to.  NG? Can you clarify?



I wouldn't expect anyone to do anything I myself couldn't follow through.

I prefer to focus my time on one woman, and it's something I do without even thinking about it, it's second nature.

Edited to add: when it comes to principles that is......


Thank you for the clarification. It appears I misunderstood your previous posts.

This was kind of what happened between the Man and I.  We both had somewhat casual encounters happening at the time we met online.  Over the course of a month or so, it was becoming clear we wanted to focus solely on each other.  This happened naturally in its own time, rather than either of us drawing a line in the sand saying "OK, no one else now."  I think had he done that, I'd have wished him well and gone away.  An exclusivity commitment has to feel right and come of its own accord, in my world.  Fortunately for us, it came to both of us around the same time.


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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 7:26:13 AM   
agirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12


quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent


It is discussed by me. You're hedging your bets? That's fine. Crack on. But you're not for me. I don't get along too well with women who think 'the more doms I met the more likely I was to find the one I'm compatible with'.

See, by the time I meet a woman I've worked out that we're compatible, I wouldn't meet a woman unless I've decided she has what it takes; and as I'm the judge and jury in these matters then that's all she needs to know.


I don't understand your rationale - if you don't meet women how can you tell that you are compatible? You can talk to them all day long on the phone or email, but until you actually meet them you really can't know them.

And getting to know several men isn't hedging my bets, since i haven't thrown my eggs into one basket yet. Hedging my bets would be committing to one, and having another in reserve in case the one didn't work out.


Getting to know people isn't dating though, is it? Unless it is. Is it *dating* or is it *getting to know someone as a friend* because it's a bit different to *getting to know them* with a possible agenda.

I see no problem in the way NG looks at his process.......let alone it being any kind of *hedging*.

I can't say I'd be interested in a chap that had a few gals on the go either. I could understand it, but they would be deffo in *pal* category.  Who cares, M was there for 5 yrs....lol

agirl


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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 8:56:19 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Oh I think we are having plenty of issues with language in this thread, and not just with UK/US nuances in meaning, but male/female as well.

For an example, when I said I was "in the market" I think some males conjure me up there on the auction block, going for the highest financial bid, when what I mean is, if a potential lover caught my attention, I would be open to seeing where things went.

I see dating as meaning "I'm willing to go out to dinner with you, and see where things go." For me at least, it doesn't mean you get to follow me home and fuck me silly. For others it very well may. But dating to me means getting to know a person in a romantic way.

And I am going to take my time with that. Not b/c I am incapable of committing, but b/c when I commit, it means I'm serious, I'm in for the the long haul. I think most everyone has a big grey area for the time between "let's see where this goes" and "we are officially committed as a couple."

How long that take surely depends on the people involved, how close they are in terms of getting to spend time together, and how often they get to meet to have that getting to know time.

I do take issue with the idea that a female should take herself off the market b/c a dom deigns to talk to her. Or that dating a female is "doing her a favor." Perhaps that is others reality, it is surely not mine.


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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 8:57:03 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

If you find what you think is a great female and she is not dating, talking to, and interacting with other males, there is a very good chance she is not as great as you think.


i disagree with this premise especially on the Internet. i've communicated with quite a few men in the past that presented themselves as 'friends' who were anything but. Of course their revelations came much further down the road. It taught me a valuable lesson and i'm very leery about befriending 'single men looking for partners' or curious poly types. i prefer people that cut to the chase and acknowledge their interest upfront.

As for interactions, mine are minimal in all truth. my tastes and preferences alleviate a great deal and i prefer it that way. Spending energy conversing just for the sake of doing so is not a good exercise in time management. While i may chit chat on occasion, exploratory discussions are a different animal and i'm not inclined to have them without reason. i find that some women need to be in constant companionship with the opposite sex. i've never had that hankering. i place a premise on the quality of the company kept rather than gender specific relating.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 11:39:34 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

Are you implying that the medium of interaction has no bearing on your approach?



Although I prefer to communicate face to face, I think I prefer to analyse a woman through written communication. You (general you) could argue it either way with reference to body language etc. Depends on the premise from which you start; I believe the way you (general you) thinks takes precedence over mannerisms and execution.

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

Which would suggest that regardless if the individual were in your vicinity or located in several states away you'd still hold yourself in reserve?



Yes, absolutely. I take your point, although, pedantic as this may seem, I wouldn't use the term 'hold in reserve'. That's irrelevant, though, in terms of the crux of your point; yes, I'd wait until I've found something in her that has caused me to feel she's a diamond. And, in the interests of clarity, I'm not holding women on a pedastal here. I understand as well as anyone that we all have strengths and weaknesses, but, still, those weaknesses can be to your taste.

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

Also, at what point during the getting acquainted process do you believe the engagement has been solidified



I don't have a system where I apply method to these things; it's a case of following my intuition. At what point? When I think: "you know what, I really like this person".

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

and is that possible without in person interaction from your perspective?



Easily, without breaking sweat. It boils down to my principles and values. There's something appealing about two people discussing ideas and needs away from some coffee shop inhabited by people reading the same types of books, saying largely the same things, and looking the same; prompted by some sit com or other, and crying out for a small portion of authenticity. Doesn't have to be a coffee shop, granted, the point is this: what and how you think counts, not the setting.

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

Lastly, are you looking at your interactions in a traditional sense of courtship? If so, does the actual courtship (without guarantee) require both to discourage outside inquiries?



Would you mind being more specific in terms of what you mean by 'without guarantee'?

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

As for your earlier remarks, in my opinion when you've articulated what you seek in a prospective partner and realize that requires some measure of patience it is easy to reconcile the time required to unearth the proverbial needle so to speak.



'Easy to reconcile the time': it certainly is. And the process is a pleasure, not a painstaking chore. It's not simply a case of reasoning it out and determining what course of action will result in the required outcome, there's the added ingredient of actually enjoying that option far more than the alternative.

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine

Waiting for the right one is of no consequence when i consider the alternative.



Is this a conclusion you've arrived at recently, a long held principle, or something else?

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I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 11:54:30 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

Thank you for the clarification. It appears I misunderstood your previous posts.



In no way, shape or form did I hint that I'm expecting more of a woman than I'm prepared to offer in return. Nevertheless, no problem at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

This was kind of what happened between the Man and I.  We both had somewhat casual encounters happening at the time we met online.  Over the course of a month or so, it was becoming clear we wanted to focus solely on each other.  This happened naturally in its own time, rather than either of us drawing a line in the sand saying "OK, no one else now."  I think had he done that, I'd have wished him well and gone away.  An exclusivity commitment has to feel right and come of its own accord, in my world.  Fortunately for us, it came to both of us around the same time.



Contrary though it may seem, I don't have casual encounters. I did, once upon a time. Ultimately, instant gratification just leaves you (or should I say me) feeling like I'm missing out.

The best way I can put it is this: a life without meaning is a life not worth living (some renouned philosopher's principle rather than an original statement of mine). And you can have all the political and religious beliefs in the world, and as absolute and identity moulding as they may seem, they're no substitute for a meaningful relationship with another human being.

I'd agree that the exclusivity commitment is specific to each person, and posters aren't disagreeing over a great deal, except how we get there.

_____________________________

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: exclusivity - 4/19/2011 12:07:27 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Like NG, I don't do casual. I also am not compatible with people who can do that especially with multiple people. I don't ask anyone to freeze their life for me either. If they are the kind to date multiple people at once, they could be friends  but not a possible partner for me. Compatibility for me includes wanting to focus on one person at a time.

I don't think it's wrong for other people to date casually and multiple people. It's simply wrong for me. And it's wrong for me to date someone who doesn't have that same approach to life as I do, it just means we don't see eye to eye enough to be able to have a relationship.

What I do not understand is why those of you who do date casually and with multiple partners think that those of us who don't operate that way are bad. We aren't. We simply are not compatible with you.

I have every right to reject people for whatever I chose. Whether that's height, weight, hair color, or incompatible dating style.


< Message edited by DesFIP -- 4/19/2011 12:18:05 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 60
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