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A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 5:53:57 PM

Iamsemisweet

Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline

I am very new and still trying to decide if a D/s lifestyle, in some form, is right for me.
The dominant I have been seeing has told me that he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. When I question him, he simply says that this dynamic is simply part of this lifestyle, I need to "get over it" and I "have a lot to learn". Is this true? I have always believed that courtesy and empathy are important parts of all types of human relationships.
I am starting to think that this dynamic has more to do with him than any lifestyle, but I would like to get the opinion of those with more experience. I think this could be important to know before committing to this type of relationship.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

Post #: 1

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 6:02:39 PM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
Status: offline

He sounds like he plans on spending a lot of time alone
Which he should be.
He sounds like he has a lot to learn
DO you think you should sign away your " future" on someone who doesnt care?
While obeying and the last word is often the dominants, this is your chance to say thanks but no, I prefer someone who will give a rats ass about me.
Unless you are into that sort of thing, I would be colouring flags red all around him
good luck

_____________________________

(•_•)
<) )╯SUCH
/ \

\(•_•)
( (> A NASTY
/ \

(•_•)
<) )> WOMAN
/ \

Duchess Of Dissent
Dont Hate Love

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 2

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 6:03:03 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

You are 52 years old, educated and have lived half a century and you don't know if its okay or not, for someone to treat you like this? This d/s thing, comes in all flavors, but if your gut tells you that you don't like it... you feel put down and you don't get turned on by that... why would you need us to tell you if it is okay or not?

Don't be mad at me for that half a century thing... I am older than you are.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 3

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 6:06:21 PM

MsLadySue

Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline

Push him to the curb. This person is not treating you like a human being. Would you tolerate this in a vanilla a relationship?
Just because he calls himself a Dom does not give him the right to abuse you emotionally.

_____________________________

In order for you to insult me, I would first have to value your opinion.
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 4

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 6:08:46 PM

servantforuse

Posts: 6363
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline

You probably already know the answer to your own question. A jerk who enjoys treating someone like crap is someone you might want to stay away from..

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 5

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 6:25:05 PM

beinbluesbeech

Posts: 34
Joined: 10/24/2010
Status: offline

"he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. When I question him, he simply says that this dynamic is simply part of this lifestyle, I need to "get over it" and I "have a lot to learn".

This may be part of your training, It may be part of His demeaner(and other D's), but not nessasarly part of the whole lifestyle. Sounds clear to me you have reservations about Him.
This is not Jerry Springer! You decide, discuss with Him if it's your limits.
If you can't discuss it. That tells you a story also.
Step back, get your own perspective on the situation.

< Message edited by beinbluesbeech -- 5/9/2011 6:29:26 PM >

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 6

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 6:32:58 PM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I am very new and still trying to decide if a D/s lifestyle, in some form, is right for me.
The dominant I have been seeing has told me that he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. When I question him, he simply says that this dynamic is simply part of this lifestyle, I need to "get over it" and I "have a lot to learn". Is this true? I have always believed that courtesy and empathy are important parts of all types of human relationships.
I am starting to think that this dynamic has more to do with him than any lifestyle, but I would like to get the opinion of those with more experience. I think this could be important to know before committing to this type of relationship.

OP, I read your words above and then I look at your profile and read this...

quote:

Respect (on both sides) honesty, and communication is paramount with me.

Tell me, do you really think what he's telling you is true?

Don't sell yourself or your exploration into this short....remember your own words, Respect/Honesty/Communication.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 7

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 6:33:11 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

this dynamic has more to do with him

Of course it does.

On the other hand...it also shows that the two of you are NOT compatible for a relationship. You both obviously want different things.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 8

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 6:38:17 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I am very new and still trying to decide if a D/s lifestyle, in some form, is right for me.
The dominant I have been seeing has told me that he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. When I question him, he simply says that this dynamic is simply part of this lifestyle, I need to "get over it" and I "have a lot to learn". Is this true? I have always believed that courtesy and empathy are important parts of all types of human relationships.

While you may have alot to learn still in regards to whether a D/s lifestyle is for you,
he is making the hardest lesson really very easy for you. While he may be dominant,
he isn't the dominant man for you, and it isn't mandatory that you stay with anyone that
doesn't have your best interests in mind. Don't let him spoil your opinion of all the other
wonderful dominant men out there.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 9

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 6:41:02 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

I agree with everything that has been said for far.

_____________________________

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 10

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 7:05:54 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

The dominant I have been seeing has told me that he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable.

Dominant doesn't = Insensitive

Dominant doesn't = Uncaring

Dominant doesn't = Abusive

Dominant doesn't = Asshole

Any questions?

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 11

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 7:43:25 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Some dominant people like and enjoy emotional torture. It is their personal kink. Nothing wrong with that. However, it is not *my* personal cup of tea. If it is not yours, then what a great lesson to learn. You can thank him for the lesson, and go look for someone who meshes with your way of seeing the world.

I don't know if this guy is just a jerk or if he has a lot to learn or if he is an emotional sadist. In the end, does it matter? His ways don't work for you. That's all you really need to know.

best,
sunshine

p.s. I had dinner last night with a gentleman. He also happened to be a dominant man. What a lovely time we had! I came home all happy happy joy joy and woke up smiling this morning. Do you wake up smiling?

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 12

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 7:45:00 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It's him. He wants an emotional masochist and you aren't one.

Personally I wouldn't be with someone who made it clear that he didn't care about me. If you don't like this, then take more time in the future in finding a partner who you are compatible with, and it sure isn't this guy.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 13

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 8:22:56 PM

coookie

Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline

Well even as an emotional masochistic i am not cool with "oh get over it, it is your issue to deal with".

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 9:42:09 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
Do you wake up smiling?

Great (and important) question!

And yay for sunshine waking up smiling!

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 15

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/9/2011 11:41:41 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Do you really need to ask if this is true? That you have asked the question here means that you know the answer, but are afraid to face the fact that the man you have become attached to might be an asswipe. You instincts are correct. He is a loser.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 16

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/10/2011 12:21:18 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I am very new and still trying to decide if a D/s lifestyle, in some form, is right for me.

That's good - just remember D/s relationships come in a myriad of shapes, styles and colours. There is no 'one size fits all' and you may spend a fair bit of time (like I did) finding the one that fits.

The dominant I have been seeing has told me that he simply doesn't care if he hurts my feelings with his comments, or that some of the things he says and does make me emotionally uncomfortable. When I question him, he simply says that this dynamic is simply part of this lifestyle, I need to "get over it" and I "have a lot to learn". Is this true?

Maybe in his world. It wouldn't work for me, and it sounds like it doesn't work for you. Bin him and move on to a relationship that meets your needs better.

I have always believed that courtesy and empathy are important parts of all types of human relationships.

Then continue your search with this at the forefront of your mind. Talk to any prospective Doms first, and see if they agree with your thoughts.

I am starting to think that this dynamic has more to do with him than any lifestyle, but I would like to get the opinion of those with more experience.

This particular dynamic is all about him. I've known (and dated) Doms who are completely selfish assholes and ones who are too keen to make me their princess to ever make it work for me. Once I realise they weren't right for me, I moved on until I found Master. But remember - one person's asshole is another person's king

I think this could be important to know before committing to this type of relationship.

It's important to know before committing to ANY kind of relationship! Just because he tells you what to do and smacks your ass doesn't mean it's a completely different world to dating in general (assuming you're looking for a D/s relationship based on love rather than a 'service' relationship).

It took me 8 years to find the man I'm with now. I dated A LOT, and each relationship was different. Some were good, some were ok, some were awful. Just like in the 'nilla world. Don't be in such a hurry that you will commit to the first man who wants to dominate you. Be choosy, be careful but overall, don't give up!

Good luck

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 17

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/10/2011 1:15:12 AM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

I had a long conversation a few years ago with a lovely Woman who doesnt post much on these boards. The gist of the conversation was about me leaving a man I was deeply in love with.

What brought me around was her telling me that even though I am leaving him, I can still love him. Just as deeply as I want, just as completely as I desire. It doesnt have to change how I feel.

And she was so right.

Not every relationship you will have is meant to be. Maybe it was from the start, and you grew out of it. Maybe it was doomed from the beginning. Maybe he was meant just to be someone you learned with, then to leave and find someone else.

It makes no sense whatsoever to be in a relationship where you do not feel happy about being in that relationship, where you do not feel secure, where you do not feel wanted/needed/desired, where you cannot laugh or cry, when you cannot feel and express those feelings.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 18

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/10/2011 4:54:28 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Is this true?

It is true if you want to be with him. Not all doms feel the same way about their sub/slaves. Personally I wouldn't put up with that, but everyone is different. You have to decide what you want from a relationship.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)

Post #: 19

RE: A sub's feelings - is she allowed to have them? - 5/10/2011 8:07:55 AM

EclipseAbove

Posts: 220
Joined: 8/11/2005
Status: offline

<sarcasm>
Sorry guys, but it says right here on pg 47, paragraph 3, line 4 of the official Universal Rules of BDSM Handbook that "submissives are not allowed to have feelings".

</sarcasm>

To be serious, it sounds like he has gone a bit too far into the fantasy and forgotten the reality. BDSM still involves human beings who have feelings and those feelings are going to have to be dealt with. Even if the hot, sexy stories say otherwise.

(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 20

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