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RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/11/2006 6:21:52 PM   
buffiyum


Posts: 119
Status: offline 		juliaoceania,
buffy 'bottoms' at events and during play parties, at times..... at times, it is with Those she knows well through being very involved in the local Island bdsm community and watching Them 'Top', then saying yes when she is asked by Them to bdsm play. At other times she has played with Interested People new to the Life in order to help Them learn some of the 'practical skills' (usually flogging), as buffy usually can take a lot from any type of flogger, but Always, such play has been under the direction and watchful eye of experienced Dominants that she knows well and Whose knowledge and judgement she respects from close and long, association.
That 'play' is quite different from the 'M/s' aspect of the Lifestyle to her. she has done bdsm-play while under collar and there is an added depth to the play for her and one hope, for the Dominant as well. Such play with Them, has involved the emotions and the mind, and yes, insofar as some play which she has not liked or wouldnot have wished to do had she not been under collar, and thus 'in obedience',  there was 'submission' as well. Did she reach 'subspace' doing those things? Well no, she didnot. What she did reach, was a joy and peace from knowing that she had pleased through obedience.  Such play with the One holding the leash involve more, far more than 'casual play' ever could. The casual bdsm play is something she does (bottoming), whereas submitting is more, a 'part' of who and what, she is.  one knows a few Dominas who 'Bottom' in bdsm play, yet knowing Them, she has never been in any doubt that They are Dominant to the Core.  They are not 'submitting' on the cross, They are having a dam good time.  Just so, buffy does not 'submit' within the parameters of 'casual bdsm play', yet for sure, she also has a dam good time, especially if she is fortunate enough to hit 'subspace'.
one has spoken to Some online who have indicated that They were not thrilled that buffy is experienced in bdsm play and to Others online who indicated the opposite. one believes that the Master whose collar she begs will be One who will not mind her bdsm-play experience cause that is something she has so very much loved doing.
respectfully
buffy




respectfully
buffy

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/11/2006 6:30:30 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

 This by the way, is a form of judgment, which supports my comment that everyone is judgmental.  


Speaking of dictionaries and their use, 'to judge' simply means to form an opinion.  That opinion can be positive, negative, or neutral. 
Your original post is a negative opinion of those who do not engage in D/s the way you believe they should. 
I find it ironic that if we had all agreed you would not have objected to those judgments, the other irony is that you seem to feel that you are the only one entitled to a negative opinion. 

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to BrutalAntipathy)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/11/2006 6:33:41 PM   
DreamyLadySnow


Posts: 359
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline 		When I play, I am in control. Casual play means there is a time limit on that control, but it still exists.

DLS

(in reply to SirTIM)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/11/2006 6:35:00 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Buffy,

This is the kinda answer I was looking for.. thank you! I am looking to start a new dynamic that may turn out very different than the one I just left. My former dom explained topping and bottoming to me as different than D/s. He had wanted me to perhaps play with others in a casual way but not submit to them EVER. In my new situation the person I am thinking of involving myself with does not play casually at all. I was directing the question in more of the vein of do people ever consider casual play submission, or is it just topping or bottoming to them. Thanks for the feedback! It was very helpful.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to buffiyum)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/11/2006 6:59:33 PM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Personally, I cannot understand the desire to "bottom" or to play casually with anyone.  It's just not in me to do so.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/11/2006 7:39:35 PM   
KittenWithaTwist


Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		In my opinion, you can do either.

_____________________________

"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/11/2006 8:31:13 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Vancouver_cinful

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kedikat

I find I do not wish to take a sub as far, if it is just play. It is enjoyable to a point, but leaves Me frustrated. Emotional connection always inspires Me to be more Dominant.
I desire to do nastier things to one I care about more. Doing the same things to one who is just a playmate feels fake, lacks depth. Passion for the act alone is so much less than real connection and passion between the ones doing it.


Turn this around to the sub side and you see where I come from as well. I do submit in casual play, but it has never had the depth of submission that makes me feel satisfied and satiated. I need the connection of a relationship to really set free that compulsion to honour and obey.

Casual play is fun, and at times it's all I have to work with, but I doubt it will ever be the same as when I'm in a relationship.

Cin


Best posts on this thread, that I can relate to.

I have never casually played in a D/s environment.  My Master is the first I served real time, and, contrary to other's suggestion about a couple getting to know each other, our first time together was not fun and play, rather an intense service to him which came from a deep place inside of me that I had never felt before.  This does not negate the fact that many many people play first and have fun while getting to know each other, but that is not an absolute for all.

Because I have never casually played/submitted, I can not speak first hand to it, although Master and I have invited others on occasion to play with us.  I suppose in that case it would be casual for that person, unless said person felt more deeply (we have not had the joy of actually engaging with a third party yet, or I would ask the person). Even in a situation of inviting someone, or someone requesting to join us, Master is very particular and wants to get to know the person first, to see if there is any chemistry or connection at all.  They are turned down if not.

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/11/2006 11:59:36 PM   
ArchangelMichael


Posts: 243
Joined: 8/21/2004
From: New Orleans, LA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Najakcharmer

quote:

ORIGINAL: BrutalAntipathy

Casual play is what I scornfully refer to as weekend ass slappers. I don't see them as lifestyle D/s, but more like vanilla with sprinkles. When someone starts talking about a " scene ", I automatically assign them to this category. Actors play in scenes, and actors are role players.  Just my opinion, but i'm sticking to it.


That scorn is what I refer to as the "Kinkier Than Thou" attitude.

Being oriented to D/s rather than S/M does not automatically make me a better person.  I have had friends in the leather community who are cheerful sadists or masochists with little or no interest in D/s.  Some of these friends are absolutely amazing people, with multiple academic degrees and the capacity for endlessly fascinating conversation.  If I was a fundamentally insecure person looking desperately for ways to make myself feel superior to others, I suppose I could go around scorning them because their sexual/BDSM orientations and personal interests happen to be different from my own.  But that would say a lot more about me as a human being than it would about them.

I could also go around making value judgements about heterosexual vs homosexual, black vs white, Jewish vs Christian, etc.  But in my experience, going around singing the "My way's better than your way/My way's better than yours" song is a complete waste of time and energy and rarely has any good results. 

If you choose to, you can spend a lot of time looking down your nose at people for a very wide range of arbitrary reasons, and in consequence you will miss out on getting to know and respect some really worthwhile human beings. I would much rather celebrate and appreciate the diversity within our leather community.  YMMV.



Yeah, there's a reason I like you. Well more than one, actually, but you've always had a good attitude regarding the scene. The teeth are pretty cool, too.


_____________________________

"Open up your mind; Let your fantasies unwind." -The Phantom, Phantom of the Opera

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." -Toulouse-Lautrec, Moulin Rouge

(in reply to Najakcharmer)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 5:17:11 AM   
WhiteRadiance


Posts: 247
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArchangelMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: Najakcharmer

quote:

ORIGINAL: BrutalAntipathy

Casual play is what I scornfully refer to as weekend ass slappers. I don't see them as lifestyle D/s, but more like vanilla with sprinkles. When someone starts talking about a " scene ", I automatically assign them to this category. Actors play in scenes, and actors are role players.  Just my opinion, but i'm sticking to it.


That scorn is what I refer to as the "Kinkier Than Thou" attitude.

Being oriented to D/s rather than S/M does not automatically make me a better person.  I have had friends in the leather community who are cheerful sadists or masochists with little or no interest in D/s.  Some of these friends are absolutely amazing people, with multiple academic degrees and the capacity for endlessly fascinating conversation.  If I was a fundamentally insecure person looking desperately for ways to make myself feel superior to others, I suppose I could go around scorning them because their sexual/BDSM orientations and personal interests happen to be different from my own.  But that would say a lot more about me as a human being than it would about them.

I could also go around making value judgements about heterosexual vs homosexual, black vs white, Jewish vs Christian, etc.  But in my experience, going around singing the "My way's better than your way/My way's better than yours" song is a complete waste of time and energy and rarely has any good results. 

If you choose to, you can spend a lot of time looking down your nose at people for a very wide range of arbitrary reasons, and in consequence you will miss out on getting to know and respect some really worthwhile human beings. I would much rather celebrate and appreciate the diversity within our leather community.  YMMV.



Yeah, there's a reason I like you. Well more than one, actually, but you've always had a good attitude regarding the scene. The teeth are pretty cool, too.



Brutal had the gonads to state his opinion and has received nothing but scorn for it.  WHy should he respect your opinion when you do not respect his?   
 
One reason I rarely post on any board is because so many people are so easily offended these days and very few really respect or ACCEPT differences of opinion.
 
I have many friends who play on a casual basis.  I adore them as people.  I do not see myself better than they are. I also know people who never go to events. I respect their feelings and think very highly of them as well. But to many in my local community, those who do not attend functions are scorned. 
 
I feel that there is a difference is bottoming and submitting.  One can top and bottom casually, learn, and play and have fun- but this is (generally) not Dominance or submission.  It is play.  (Of course this is my opinion, and if it does not mesh with yours, feel free to attack!)
 
I know "Mistresses" who only pick up a whip once a month and take orders from "subs" who tell them what implement to use and how... I consider them tops and bottoms, but they consider themselves Mistress/sub.  It is a matter of perception.  To each his own.  Everyone has an opinion, and this is mine.  

~Staci 
 
 
 
 

(in reply to ArchangelMichael)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 5:20:31 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I have never played casually before either.... he wanted to do that one day, but I did not... was one of the reasons he is my "former" dom...smiles. But I do not judge others and I can imagine there is much one can learn by what buffy has done, helping others enter the lifestyle and gain technical experience may be very rewarding. I love to teach people... teaching is one of the most noble things a person can do with their time IMO

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 6:25:09 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
I don't know how anyone can say they've never played casually. How do you go directly to intimacy without having some fun play time together? Whether you are compatible long term, plan to be long term, have a desire or no desire to be long term; you won't know that until you've shared some experiences together and had a little fun. I'd represent every "lifestyle" experience I had prior to beth was "casual"; inclusive of those with an ex-wife. But that's for another thread. But all those experiences and play, and the use of toys and props were great learning experiences.

I had responses running in the back of my mind all night last night about this...and here you go and do one miles better than what I came up with.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 6:59:58 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		It depends what you mean by 'casual'.

I can Top someone I don't care about but I couldn't be her Master. Topping, she's just a body, its about the play, not about the person (Other than the expectation that both will get enjoyment from the agreed activity). It is submission of a sort, but not what I look for in D/s even though it can be fun.

Over the years I've Topped a number of young ladys in this manner, however there wasn't the dynamic, they where not MY girl, in short, whilst it might sound calous, once the play and aftercare was over we went our seprate ways and I didn't give them much of a second thought.

I've also had a number of girls I did care for, dispite neither of us being able to see each other more than infrequently. When we did get together there was play but it was as part of the dynamic, not the core of it. Wether we where together or not, they where my girls and I cared about them, just as they cared about their Master.

Both can be seen as casual from certain perspectives and both can be considered to have elements of D/s but they are very diffrent and as is probably quite obvious, I much prefer the latter (Well I preffer not casual, but you know what I mean)




_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 7:43:37 AM   
BretSkye


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRadiance

... One reason I rarely post on any board is because so many people are so easily offended these days and very few really respect or ACCEPT differences of opinion...



Indeed, it woud be nice to turn down the antipathy (in this thread) a notch ... but so much less fun! That so many are willing to accept and even celebrate our differences (rather than merely criticize them) warms this little newbie's heart. Brutal, is indeed entitled to his opinion, and if he hadn't been willing to share it honestly, how dull and short-lived this thread would have been!

For myself, as one who's played many roles in life and love and war, I find comfort in this simple bit of wisdom:

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. . ."
-Jacques, in As You Like It, by William Shakespeare

(in reply to WhiteRadiance)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 7:56:18 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BrutalAntipathy

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

ORIGINAL: BrutalAntipathy

Casual play is what I scornfully refer to as weekend ass slappers. I don't see them as lifestyle D/s, but more like vanilla with sprinkles. When someone starts talking about a " scene ", I automatically assign them to this category. Actors play in scenes, and actors are role players.  Just my opinion, but i'm sticking to it.


So, a race car driver who only races on weekends is actually a pedestrian?


Is racing a lifestyle?


Lol, good question. I am a motorcycle racer, even when i am not on the track; i am still a motorcycle racer. So in a way you could say it is a lifestyle. I do however differentiate myself from someone who says" i race on some Sundays". When i raced for points it was full time. I missed my sister's wedding to run an enduro. That is a little different from going out when one feels like riding.

Playtime is just that to me, casual play. D/s or M/s is a lifestyle that involves commitment. I am a slave in an M/M/s 24/7 live in relationship. This is not a game we play this is for keeps. M/s is not something we do when it is convenient, it is full time, it defines the relationship.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with casual play if that is what you are into, only that it is not D/s or M/s.



_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to BrutalAntipathy)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 8:19:34 AM   
JohnWarren


Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline 		This has gotten a little long so I've edited it down to the operational terms

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRadiance
quote:

ORIGINAL: BrutalAntipathy

Casual play is what I scornfully refer to as weekend ass slappers.


Brutal had the gonads to state his opinion and has received nothing but scorn for it.  


Scorn often begets scorn.  It is the way of the world.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to WhiteRadiance)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 8:39:30 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BrutalAntipathy

Casual play is what I scornfully refer to as weekend ass slappers. I don't see them as lifestyle D/s, but more like vanilla with sprinkles. When someone starts talking about a " scene ", I automatically assign them to this category. Actors play in scenes, and actors are role players.  Just my opinion, but i'm sticking to it.


If weekend warriors are just 'vanilla with sprinkles', then what are the cyber-only types? 

(in reply to BrutalAntipathy)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 9:31:28 AM   
Najakcharmer


Posts: 2121
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRadiance
Brutal had the gonads to state his opinion and has received nothing but scorn for it.  WHy should he respect your opinion when you do not respect his? 


Let me see if I can translate this exchange back to its raw basics.  Just for fun, I'll use the "7337 hAx0r sp33k" trash talking most typically found on MMORPG servers.  (If you've ever been there, you'll recognize the lingo)

BA: "I sc0rn j00!  Your kink sucks!  My kink r0x0rs!  I pwnd j00!"
NKC: "Yo biotch! Sc0rn is so not c00l!  You do not pwn us! STFU!"
WR: "Why R U picking on BA?  He r0x0rs!"
NKC: "Bcuz he started it.  STFU." 

Okay, we're not 12 year olds on a Half-Life server, but if we were, that would have been it. 

< Message edited by Najakcharmer -- 5/12/2006 9:32:20 AM >

(in reply to WhiteRadiance)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 9:36:29 AM   
Najakcharmer


Posts: 2121
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ArchangelMichael
Yeah, there's a reason I like you. Well more than one, actually, but you've always had a good attitude regarding the scene. The teeth are pretty cool, too.


And I definitely knew I liked you when I saw you had a "Darth Tater".  LOL

Feral sharp-toothed smiles atcha,

Naja

(in reply to ArchangelMichael)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 9:48:13 AM   
Najakcharmer


Posts: 2121
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: becca333
If weekend warriors are just 'vanilla with sprinkles', then what are the cyber-only types? 


Folks to stay away from if they lie about their level of experience (or anything else) and claim to be RL-experienced when in fact they are cyber-only.  Otherwise, they're just human beings, and if they're honest about who they are and what they do, more power to'em. 

I don't think there is anything wrong or bad about choosing ANY level of BDSM in your life, as long as it's healthy and sustainable for you and your consenting adult partners, and as long as you are absolutely honest with yourself and others about who you are and what you are doing.  What can have really disastrous results is when people end up with badly mismatched expectations because a cyber-only player advertises himself as an experienced Real Life Master who wants you to instantly jump into a 24/7 live-in relationship, or a picky, high maintenance masochist/fetishist player who really isn't submissive advertises himself as a Real Slave.

It's dishonesty and false advertising, whether you're lying to yourself or your partners or both, that causes problems.  SM and fetish play is not the same as D/s or M/s.  Someone who is not core-level oriented to being submissive or dominant but who just likes to play kinky now and then is a very bad relationship match for someone who is oriented that way.  Your sexual and kink orientation has absolutely jack shit to do with your worth as a human being, and one orientation is not necessarily better than another.  Your degree of honesty and self-knowledge about your sexual and kink orientation is what makes you a responsible adult who is ready to negotiate a successful BDSM relationship. 

(in reply to becca333)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Casual Play and D/s - 5/12/2006 2:34:42 PM   
WhiteRadiance


Posts: 247
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		I do not think there is anything wrong with any type of play, nor do I believe an unpopular opinion is necessarily wrong.  We are all entitled to our opinions.
However I do like to stay on topic. And the topic,is...
 
Do you feel that someone is submitting their power to you if you are just casually playing? And do subs feel they are really submitting if it is a casual play scene? I was just curious if people felt causal play is really D/s.. Or is it just play?

_____________________________

Staci

The drop of rain makes a hole in a stone not by violence, but by often falling.



(in reply to Najakcharmer)
Profile   Post #: 80
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