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Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 1:35:06 PM   
Jenisub


Posts: 2
Joined: 2/22/2011
Status: offline 		have a problem and I would like to know as I am new to this..... Is ignoring a sub common as punishment? How am I supposed to react ? Beg? go away? Or wait?
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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 1:46:53 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Ignoring one's sub is, unfortunately, a very common punishment in the online world of desk top doms and wannabes. A good and experienced dominant knows ignoring your sub is one of the harshest punishments there is, and only does it as a lost resort, and with due warning (i.e."If you continue in this manner, I shall have to ignore you for the rest of the evening").

I see by your profile you say "hopefully still under consideration," which leads me to believe you and your dom have been having issues and there is now a total break down of communication.

Perhaps if you could elaborate more on what the issues are, we could know better how to respond?



< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 5/19/2011 2:12:46 PM >

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 2:04:10 PM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		I have done it, but for a very important thing that has been done.It was very hard on me too .

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 2:30:06 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenisub

have a problem and I would like to know as I am new to this..... Is ignoring a sub common as punishment? How am I supposed to react ? Beg? go away? Or wait?


What exactly do you mean by *ignoring*?

For example, if I'm in a grotty and irrational frame of mind, then M simply will not continue talking to me. That's not *ignoring* me, that's shutting down a fruitless and futile conversation. He'll say so, and state that he'll speak later on. It's a cool-off manoeuvre.

I really have never quite understood what people mean by being *ignored*. But it's never, ever, nor would it be used as a *punishment* here. In general, if there's a problem of some kind, it requires MORE dialogue, not less.

As to how you are supposed to react? I have no idea. There isn't any correct way to *react*. I imagine I'd be scrutinizing every moment of what took place beforehand and he'd probably get a carefully written email.

agirl














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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 2:44:02 PM   
TheCabal


Posts: 291
Joined: 9/3/2005
From: Lots of different places
Status: offline 		As noted above, ignoring a sub (especially a newbie) would usually be an extremely harsh punishment.  In the early phases of these sorts of relationships, communication is absolutely critical.  If you don't know/understand what to expect from each other, it's impossible to train.  At a minimum, the decision to ignore should have only come after a warning, and an explanation as to how you needed to correct your behavior.   

In a well developed relationship, if there's a mutually satisfying emotional sadism element, it might be more common.  I gave up trying to figure out why certain things get people off a LONG time ago... but some people apparently really like to be thought of as worthless dirt. 

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 2:47:07 PM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		I am not sure how common it is. But I wouldn't put up with it. Next time you are being ignored, spend the time to find a partner who isn't into that kind of shit.

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 3:03:07 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenisub

have a problem and I would like to know as I am new to this..... Is ignoring a sub common as punishment? How am I supposed to react ? Beg? go away? Or wait?


What exactly do you mean by *ignoring*?

For example, if I'm in a grotty and irrational frame of mind, then M simply will not continue talking to me. That's not *ignoring* me, that's shutting down a fruitless and futile conversation. He'll say so, and state that he'll speak later on. It's a cool-off manoeuvre.

I really have never quite understood what people mean by being *ignored*. But it's never, ever, nor would it be used as a *punishment* here. In general, if there's a problem of some kind, it requires MORE dialogue, not less.

As to how you are supposed to react? I have no idea. There isn't any correct way to *react*. I imagine I'd be scrutinizing every moment of what took place beforehand and he'd probably get a carefully written email.

agirl



To give a sensible answer, knowing what ignore means to you, is vital. Just as Agirl has described.

If I am reading a good book, I am ignoring what else is going on. If I am focused on a difficult photoshop project, I am totally ignoring everything around me.

Or, if I am angry, I tend to not speak much at all and avoid the thing/person I am angry with until I get myself under control and analyse what exactly I am angry about and why. It tends to cut down on bigger problems due to my own bullshit issues.

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 3:29:16 PM   
ebonywarqueen


Posts: 60
Joined: 5/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenisub

have a problem and I would like to know as I am new to this..... Is ignoring a sub common as punishment? How am I supposed to react ? Beg? go away? Or wait?


I am a firm believer that communication is extremely important to any relationship. I think ignoring someone is jeopardizing the relationship and possibly saying you really don't want it. It is a common punishment even in vanilla relationships (ever hear of giving someone the "silent treatment?") but I don't use it. If my slave feels like I could or would abandon him and cease communication at any moment how is he going to trust me? I'm probably wrong, but this is just me and how I handle mine.

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 3:32:30 PM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		If a domly one just ignored me, with no explanation, it would be most undomly in my eyes, and that wouldn't be someone I could be a match with.

I can take "Keep your mouth shut for this long, because you did x y and z and you need to think about it, but just ignore-no fucking way.

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 4:08:53 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Being ignored as a harsh last resort punishment has happened to me.
Within this dynamic, he refers to it as "banishment".

And what I did primarily was wait.

I was very clear on what I was being punished for.

Being ignored if you don't know why, is not an effective strategy, in my opinion.

Being punished in any form if you don't know why is not an effective strategy.

But being punished for a a failure related to a legitimate health issue?

You need to look deep with in yourself to see if that is a story or the truth.

I mention this because especially in the beginning it can be tempting to look for reasons to excuse our failures instead of accepting full responsibility for them.

If it is the truth, that your failure or perceived failure (as we have not yet heard what it is you did or didn't do) is due to health issues then I will suggest you ask if this is going to be a reasonable expectation for you to place upon yourself: to not act honestly within your limitations of self care.

I don't have a "perfect relationship".
What I have is better than perfect; it is real.
Real is often messy and hard work.

He knows I am not perfect and I will make mistakes.
Mistakes are about learning how to do it better next time.
I am not punished for mistakes.
I am punished for disobedience.

I would not be punished for failing to complete something if for example, I had a migraine. But I would let him know I wasn't feeling well and his expectation would shift to my taking care of myself.

Do you clearly know what his expectations are of you?
Did you clearly explain the issues that you have which might impact them?

The problem in this moment is that you don't seem to know where you stand with him.
And that is a communication issue.

A bigger issue may be choosing to be with someone who is unwilling to work around your performing to the very best of your ability as your health issues will allow.
Only you know the answer to that.

edit: typos

< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 5/19/2011 4:10:54 PM >

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 4:59:34 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		He does it at times for different reasons...to cool off when  he's upset/angry with me which thankfully has only been once or twice, when he can't devote enough time to me due to life issues but he lets me know this ahead of time or because I'm being thick-headed about something and he feels he's going round in circles.

Yes I have begged but not overly so...once or twice. If that doesn't work then I just shut up and keep to myself until he's ready for me. Other times I make sure I'm still being his slave, still doing what needs to be done but silently and without interference.

Ignoring isn't always a bad thing but if you feel as if he's ignoring you without reason and you don't know why or it leaves you confused and upset then you need to talk to him and find out what's up.

Ya know this whole communication thing we speak of really IS that important.


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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 5:04:22 PM   
aromanholiday


Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenisub

have a problem and I would like to know as I am new to this..... Is ignoring a sub common as punishment? How am I supposed to react ? Beg? go away? Or wait?


Ignoring can be good or it can be bad, it depends a lot on the circumstances. I can't really say anything about your situation until I know more. Were you informed by your dominant this was a punishment or are you, given a lack of information, assuming that is the case? How long has the ignoring been going on? A few days? A week or more? A month? And how did it start, what caused it? (If nothing caused it that you can tell, please make that clear.) Is the relationship long distance or entirely online? Is it live in? Somewhere between those two extremes?

I have been ignored before and found it to be a healthy and normal part of the sort of relationships I like to pursue. It was not done as a punishment, it was done as a training or acclimation to the the type of life I would be living. He didn't say anything about whether it was punishment or not, he just did it. So one day I asked about it, and it was clarified: it wasn't punishment. Once I knew that, I knew I didn't need to feel guilty or worried that I had done something wrong, and I became relaxed about it. Certainly, I still missed him when ignored, but the fact that it wasn't due to my bad behavior made a huge difference to me.

Someday I expect someone might use ignoring me as a punishment, because it it is effective--in certain circumstances. Those circumstances usually involve a well-established relationship, not a tentative new one.

Anyway, I hope you say more. It's really not clear to me what is going on here.

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 6:12:40 PM   
SexyBlackMan2


Posts: 108
Status: offline 		this is perhaps a bit extreme since you are new. But, for a real Dom, it is also extremely difficult to ignore a submissive. Ignoring should be for something very extreme and definitely not for a newbie.

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 6:17:47 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I would try losing weight.

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 6:24:54 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Been there, done that. In a vanilla relationship though- not D/s.

It sucked. He would give me the silent treatment for days. It hurt like a bitch, so I dumped him.

I'm in a relationship to pay attention to my partners needs, and to have him be attentive to mine as well. Being ignored out of immaturity, spitefulness and an unwillingness or inability to open up and communicate properly -is worse than being single and alone- by far.

Because really, being single is awesome. You can be very happy single, because then you won't have some clueless asshole ruining your day.

Insist on a reciprocal relationship. One in which you get as much as you give.


*steps down from soapbox*

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 6:28:25 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Ignoring in my mind is an end point, and an immature way to do it. Telling you "I'm not going to talk to you for x hours, or until you straighten up" is a little different. Hard to say in this context...because you gave none.

If this is an online only relationhip with a person you haven't ever met...take this as an opportunity to learn what a wanker looks like. He's probably married (or unworthy of a REAL woman) and stringing you along for wank fodder and amusement. Ignoring you is a sign of someone that can't master themselves, why would you want them mastering you?

Try looking up local clubs and attend a munch to meet real live breathing kinksters. These are very normal gatherings usually in bars with appitizers and street clothes. Other kinksters you can bounce thoughts and concerns off as you seek a "real live dom" is a way to learn that not everyone does "IT" the same way. Kink is as varied as the people that participate so finding someone that is inline with who you are and your belief systems is important.

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 6:47:18 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you're too upset to talk and say so, and then get some rest and calm down, to discuss it in the morning - that's better than yelling or hitting in anger.

If you just say you don't want to talk to them anymore, that's ending the relationship in my book. If he doesn't say he'll get back in touch in an hour, or a day, then there is no way to know if he'll ever call again. At which point the ball is in your court. How long are you willing to give him? A week? A month? Six months? Ten years? How long do you propose to give away of your life hoping he'll contact you again? And do you really want to be with someone so immature they can't use words to say they're angry and incapable of communicating the problem and coming to a solution?


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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 6:55:23 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		I read your profile and i am unsure how your health issues have made you an flawed submissive unless you were being a detriment to your own health.

Ignoring is horrible in my opinion. Cool down periods are used here and even those times make me feel awful.

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 8:05:04 PM   
MistressRage


Posts: 138
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Upstate New York
Status: offline 		Damn straight I'd ignore a slave!

If I feel that I have trained, repeatedly corrected, disciplined and retrained but you still aren't getting it or aren't bothering to think for yourself then I will ignore you and you know what- IT WORKS! I have never had a slave make the same mistake twice after a little ignore time. Why? Because it sucks to be ignored!!!! You'll know what you did wrong and you'll know that I am about to start ignoring you—except for direct commands. No casual chat time, no excursions with me, no BDSM play time etc. I will do it until I feel that you have learned the lesson that I have been repeatedly trying to teach you. If you still don't learn well, you are dismissed.

If you can't be bothered to act right then you don't deserve my attention.

It's hard to give advice when I don't know your health issues or how they are preventing you from serving and whether or not this is online or real time. Also, some subs (not saying you) have a tendency to play up health issues. If you can't make a phone call because you have a twisted ankle I can see where the Dom would ignore you and your drama queen act but if you are saying that you can't suck his dick because you just had oral surgery well, that is legitimate, in which case he is being a total douche.

With that being said, I would advise you of this jenisub, keep fulfilling your duties and wait patiently. While you are doing that you should reflect on things. Are your health issues ongoing? Something you will live with forever or a long time? If so you need to find out if he is willing to accept your limitations. If he is not then it's time to find someone who is. Are your health issues of your own doing? If so, you cannot fairly expect him to be happy about having to deal with that.

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RE: Ignore your sub? - 5/19/2011 8:23:07 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenisub

have a problem and I would like to know as I am new to this..... Is ignoring a sub common as punishment? How am I supposed to react ? Beg? go away? Or wait?


As others have said, we don't know enough about your situation to really comment.

As to how one is "supposed" to react, I say be yourself.  I don't respond well at all to being ignored (the Mister doesn't ignore me, but I've been ignored before).  If I were ignored now, he'd have to either clean up the mess he created or send me on my way.  An owner can have a HUGE affect on the slave's frame of mind.  Ignoring me does things to my frame of mind that he wouldn't like.  So it would be incumbent upon him to teach me to respond differently, change his punishment methods, or send us on our separate ways.  The latter wouldn't be hard to do if I were ignored, because I'd probably shut him out emotionally as a result.

Being ignored tends to come up at the top of the list of worst punishments.  Mainly, I think, because it isn't done well.  Setting a start/stop time is one thing.  Just doing it without explaining it is another.  That's the kind that would shut me down. 


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