Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it...

Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (Full Version)

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LoveSparkie -> Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 7:32:32 PM)
I know two couples that strongly take on the roles of dominant/submissive, but have openly (to me) denied being involved in the lifestyle and even claimed to think it was wrong. Couple #1. - The man calls all the shots always, and the woman goes along with it. When the woman attempts to bark orders...the man just shoots the woman a LOOK that silences her immediately. Also, this woman ALWAYS takes her place sitting in the floor at the feet of the man. Couple # 2 - The man in this relationship also calls all of the shots. The woman doesn't (in public eye) seem to complain much about it. The woman in this relationship often calls the man "Sir". How is that NOT a dominant/submissive relationship? SO many people shun this lifestlye when they themselves seem to be in it themselves. Do you know a couple like this? Thoughts?

HannahLynHeather -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 7:48:28 PM)
it's effectively a d/s relationship, but they may well be doing it for totally fucking different reasons. maybe they are religious nuts and they believe the shit in the bible about a man ruling his wife. or maybe they are some sort of non-gorean "natural order" wackos who just believe that it's a man's place to lead, without considering the woman a "slave", "sub" or lesser in any way, just a fucking follower. or maybe the guys are just domineering assholes, or maybe the women have been beat the fuck out of before and are afraid to cross them. there's no fucking way of knowing, but if they say they aren't into bdsm then they aren't. if we're going to demand the right to define our dynamics and relationships however the fuck we chose, then we have to allow them to as well. you and i know they are full of shit, but then again a lot of folks on here probably think heather and i are full of shit calling her a slave when she calls me by my name and sits on the sofa right fucking next to me rather than on the floor. in the end it doesn't really matter, it's none of our fucking business. i doubt you want them prying into the weird shit you do for kicks, so return the favour and stay the fuck out of it.

littlewonder -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 7:52:23 PM)
because we don't see it as a lifestyle...it's simply how we live our lives every single minute of every single day. It's not a role, it's not acting..it's just simply who we are. Lifestyle denotes to me people who announce what they are to the world, go to bdsm parties, gatherings, dungeons, wear bdsm as some kind of badge, etc... We don't do any of that. We simply are a couple where one is the head and one is not.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 7:54:06 PM)
You have to remember, kink isn't new and lots and lots of people have been "in the lifestyle" and reject the idiots who occupy it. Not that there are not idiots in all places in life but you get the point. Two long time posters, beloved by many, hated by a few, Mercnbeth now jokingly claim to be vanilla... Don't forget, the names for many sex acts are a few thousand years old...

OsideGirl -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 8:03:21 PM)
I'll go with all of the above and add one more....because people equate D/s with kinky sex and BDSM. When in fact there are people that practice D/s and never engage in BDSM and people that engage in BDSM that don't include D/s.

LaTigresse -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 8:05:21 PM)
I do know a couple of people that have a power exchange dynamic of sorts. She is dominant and he does everything in his power to see her happy. He buys her favourite ice cream. He cooks her dinner many nights. He starts the dinner for her dogs while she is still working. Many times, when the weather is cold and nasty, he feeds and checks her horses before she gets home so she can come in and relax. Today he even ordered, just because, a beautiful Kitchen Aide Copper Pearl Pro 600 mixer that she has been coveting for years. He does most of the cleaning in the house and puts up with A LOT of dog hair. He absolutely LOVES to take her out to dinner at nice restaurants. And so many other things, too many to mention. He also doesn't get much sex. He does all of the above with no expectation of kink.....he simply wants to see her happy. The above relationship is very similar to my maternal grandmother and her husband. He adored her and did everything possible to care for her and spoil her. As far as I know, there was no BDSM or defined.....D/s or M/s. It was just their relationship. Nothing new to human beings, just a working relationship.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 8:18:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl I'll go with all of the above and add one more....because people equate D/s with kinky sex and BDSM. When in fact there are people that practice D/s and never engage in BDSM and people that engage in BDSM that don't include D/s. I agree, when I entered the scene back when we still made paddles out of woolly mammoth hide, I was all about control and dominance and kink was something I did for her. Slowly over the years as women begged and screamed for more and more perverted acts, I kinda became a little kinky.

LadyPact -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 8:18:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael You have to remember, kink isn't new and lots and lots of people have been "in the lifestyle" and reject the idiots who occupy it. Not that there are not idiots in all places in life but you get the point. Two long time posters, beloved by many, hated by a few, Mercnbeth now jokingly claim to be vanilla... Don't forget, the names for many sex acts are a few thousand years old... Maybe we're on the same wavelength here (partially). Maybe not. Let's also remember that a lot of people don't want to associate with certain terms because of certain stereotypes. A number of people think that sadism is about people being cruel to each other without consent, pedophiles, and who knows what else. All it takes is a few nutjobs and some sensationalistic press to forum public opinion. That's if we're lucky enough for it to be from the outside. We've got enough trouble amongst our own as well. Something like I'm sure Catholic priests tend to go through. I wouldn't have been so proud to call Myself a priest back when victims of abuse were coming out in droves. That's even if I had never done anything wrong and spent My life doing what I had been called to do. So, OP, I do know some couples who I would call D/s because there's definitely some of the same signs that I could label as WIITWD, but they don't identify that way at all. If they want to call themselves vanilla, who am I to argue?

slaveluci -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 8:45:16 PM)
Or they could be doing it because that's what feels right and natural to them. They aren't wacko, or religious nuts, or in an abusive relationship. Maybe they just like him being in charge. Maybe there's lots of love between them and it works for them no matter what outsiders see or say. I know it's hard to imagine but long ago and faraway (longer than 20-30 years ago), people lived together and/or got married and had relationships like that and didn't dream it was called a "lifestyle." It just felt normal and right for them. I in no way see how this means they are full of shit. To me, the "full of shit" part comes in when others try to label and dictate others' dynamics and denigrate them when they can't wrap their little minds around what works well for others. I'm fairly convinced my parents couldn't have told you what BDSM was if you put a gun to their heads. They didn't do all the kinky things or have all the seemingly necessary trappings "lifestyle" devotees do. They just loved each other with everything they had. He was the wage earner, she was a housewife and mother. They both wanted it that way. She submitted to him in everyway and he honored her in every way. I learned so much about submission from her. They were the real deal, baby, whatever trumped up label you want to put on it. It worked for 33 years until my Dad passed. Bottom line is that you can appear to live a "lifestyle" but have the freedom to not identify it as such. It can simply be your way - the way that works best for you...........luci

DecadentDesire -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 8:58:10 PM)
It's really just a different context then what I see the public face of BDSM being about. To the audience at large, this is going to be one of my less gentle opinions so embrace yourself. Mainstream BDSM deals with DS primarily in the context of human sexuality. That's why most of the articles and educational materials that discuss topics like punishment, discipline, twue dominants and twue submissives are utter garbage and useless when applied to an authority dynamic. It's why so many BDSM dominants really know fuck all about how to handle a girl and have a positive relationship, because they neglect or don't even bother with those "minor" topics like communication and leadership. In fact, because of this, a lot of people draw a clear line between D/S and BDSM. The whole Taken In Hand movement is a good example of that. BDSM just so happens to draw a lot of people who are looking for D/S relationships (I'm one of them) who also happen to be kinky. This is why we are able to see common threads with the relationships listed above. However, to the people in those relationship, they aren't able to see those common threads, because they aren't as intimately involved with this stuff as we are. All they see is latex, ball gags, whips, and some chick driving a high heel into some guy's balls, because that's the image the commericial market does a great job of presenting.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 9:03:41 PM)
when people think of kink, they instantly think of people in nightclubs covered in latex and swinging from rafters. the public scene isn't all there is though (and not all public scenes are like the ones in california, for instance =p). i think every couple has a bit of a power imbalance, and for some, it's more pronounced than for others. some people do pick partners because they feel that the partners is smarter, or "better" in some way, which sets up a power imbalance. i think the difference for people like us (or well, i guess those looking for an expressly D/s relationship) is that the power imbalance is part of the stated goals of the relationship, not something that occurs due to other factors. to me, "lifestyle" just means "this is how i live my life, this is part of who i am." it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with going to parties (though i like to =p). to me, it simply denotes that it's not just an "in the bedroom" thing for me.

peppermint -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 9:50:17 PM)
Why are you so concerned as to how people label themselves? Who cares? It's none of our business.

Hisprettybaby -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 9:54:12 PM)
~FR~ Just like some people appear to be "lifestyle" and they say they're vanilla, there are those of us who appear to most outsiders to be vanilla, but we are so-called "lifestyle." Daddy and I quietly go to munches, play parties, kinky bbq's, and D/s discussion groups, but to watch us in our everyday lives no one would ever know. Plus, there really isn't a single so-called kinky lifestyle. The "lifestyle" is as varied as the people in it. And, like peppermint says, who cares how other people label themselves? It's none of our business. ~Hisprettybaby~

myotherself -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 9:57:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slaveluci I'm fairly convinced my parents couldn't have told you what BDSM was if you put a gun to their heads. They didn't do all the kinky things or have all the seemingly necessary trappings "lifestyle" devotees do. They just loved each other with everything they had. He was the wage earner, she was a housewife and mother. They both wanted it that way. She submitted to him in everyway and he honored her in every way. I learned so much about submission from her. They were the real deal, baby, whatever trumped up label you want to put on it. It worked for 33 years until my Dad passed. Exactly how I feel about M/s Luci. Thank you for putting it into words more beautifully than I ever could [:D]

HannahLynHeather -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 9:59:14 PM)
ah fuck luci, is the educational system in little rock really that fucking bad? bdsm = bondage DOMINATION sadism masochism. d/s is part of bdsm, so a power dynamic is part of bdsm, so if you have a fucking power dynamic you're into bdsm. i really don't understand why the fuck people always want to complicate something that is so fucking simple.

LadyPact -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 10:18:10 PM)
Discipline. The cute little bit about how the D/s in the middle could also be interpreted as Dominance and submission was actually after the original acronym (bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism) had already been coined.

HannahLynHeather -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 10:30:14 PM)
fuck that. i don't give half a crap what it meant in the past, it doesn't mean that shit now. d/s is part and parcel of bdsm and that's what i based my statement on, and that's why i was right when i said people who have a power dynamic in their relationship are doing bdsm and if they say they aren't they are full of shit.

LadyPact -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 10:48:51 PM)
Sorry, but I disagree on both counts. It is just plain history. As to people who may have their relationship take a specific lean, we don't really get to declare it an authority dynamic. That's like saying that the status quo fifty years ago, where males wore the pants in the majority of households, were largely D/s just because that was the way of the times. Forget the fact that women didn't exactly have as many choices for power in their own right because that was the social climate. It was widely accepted that married women stayed home, raised children, and took care of their husband's wishes. That didn't make them all submissive. It meant they were taught that was the situation of life and what they were supposed to do.

HannahLynHeather -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 11:03:04 PM)
quote: Sorry, but I disagree on both counts. fine, i'm not going to deny you the right to be wrong. and all the crap about how people used to live 50 years ago? so fucking what. is that sort of setup a d/s relationship? fucking right it is, it's d/s now and it was d/s then. anyway, that's all besides the point, that's a kink called 50's household now. living that way in this day and age is fucking included under the umbrella of bdsm.

LadyPact -> RE: Couples that ACT the parts of the lifestyle but claim NOT to be in it... (7/12/2011 11:21:34 PM)
I'd admit if I was wrong, but in this case, I'm not. If you want to completely ignore how the acronym was coined to begin with, that's your prerogative. By your theory, a high percentage of household all through time were Dom/femsub. For that matter, every woman who was ever better with the checkbook in a household and was the person that had that responsibility between a couple was a financial Domme. One of the really good things about doing this is the fact that other people don't get to classify our relationships and desires according to other people's rulebooks. I'm of the mind that the situation works in reverse as well. If other people believe they have a vanilla or egalitarian relationship, it's fine by Me. It's not My relationship to classify and try to put people into boxes they don't think they belong in.

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