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Confused - 7/15/2011 7:08:06 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Need help! Wife wants to sub for a master and I know him. However I want to go through this with her and be by her side learning with her. the dom stated that he will not have a session until I give the him the ok. My wife and I have talked alot about entering the lifestyle and I have learned alot over the past two weeks and I am will to learn more. It seems that I am losing her along the way and I do not want that. She tells me that this is helping our relationsip by her experiencing a dom outside the marrage. Please help me understand what wea are getting into and what to expect.

We have had threesomes in the past with other men, no women yet so playing is not new, just her without me is.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:12:31 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		I have been in this position before. I let a sub play without me and I lost her. I advise you to not grant permission unless you are in the room. I think that as long as you are in the room, then you are playing, even if you are just a voyeur.

More importantly it keeps you as part of her sexuality. Note, people can grow apart no matter what - but you should try to limit potential problems.

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:15:28 PM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		Everything about any kind of a realationship is about being honest and setting boundaries. If it really bothers you that she wants to be with someone without you there then tell her. If it bothers you to the point that you can not stand it and she does not understand it then your realationship may have problems that need more help then you can get here. I would suggest having many long talks so you can both come to some kind of undertstanding about what each of you is really looking for.

Edited to add... I do not suggest you speak with the other man about this. Speak to your wife. Would you ask a random stranger if he wanted to do your wife. Would you think if you watched it would somehow make it ok. (not that I'm saying there is anything wrong with that kink) What you need to figure out needs to be worked out between the two of you first.

< Message edited by MissImmortalPain -- 7/15/2011 7:29:50 PM >

_____________________________

It is always by way of pain that we arrive at pleasure.

We must all go through a right of passage,and it must be physical, it must be painful,and it must leave a mark.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:16:06 PM   
Hisprettybaby


Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

I have been in this position before. I let a sub play without me and I lost her. I advise you to not grant permission unless you are in the room. I think that as long as you are in the room, then you are playing, even if you are just a voyeur.

More importantly it keeps you as part of her sexuality. Note, people can grow apart no matter what - but you should try to limit potential problems.

Agreed.

~Hisprettybaby~

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:17:24 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks for your advice, I am even willing to learn form him to be a dom if he is willing to teach. I have to talk with him and get an understand of what he wants out of the ralationship.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:21:01 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline 		It's not clear from your post whether or not you are okay with another man dominating your wife, or even why she wants another man dominating her. Your profile states that you are a male submissive, is that the reason? Does she feel the need to be dominated, and you are unable or unwilling, so this has been posed as a solution? If so, are you okay with this proposed decision? Poly requires a degree of resilience I just don't have; make sure you can handle handing your wife over before you do so. Make sure you firmly establish the limits of your wife's and her dom's relationship before getting started. If you feel really uncomfortable with sharing her, is it possible that you could take turns switching, or is that just not emotionally feasible? Are your needs also getting met? In other words, if you are both subs, has she made it clear that you can seek out a dominant just as she is? If not, why not?

I'm not sure what kind of advice you are asking for. You've asked us what you ought to expect, which is a reasonable question, but it suggests that you are expecting to be surprised. Don't be. Talk this out between the three of you and set firm limits on the developing relationships before getting started. Try to minimize any surprises.

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:22:11 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Thank You!

having a women point of view is very helpful with me dealing with this issue. As stated we have had MMF 3soms in the past, however I was there. ALot has happened over the last month and life is not easy to say the least. Not only is she my family are so important to me and do not want to lose any of them.

Any other ideas or suggestion please fell free to post, as this a learning experience foe both of us.

Buzz

(in reply to MissImmortalPain)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:24:05 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		My own personal opinion is that you will lose her, it just seems as though that is the road she's on if she goes through with it with you out of the picture. She's trying to justify things to get what she wants, I don't think the situation as you described it will be healthy for your marriage. Just my opinion.

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:28:04 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		There's no way to tell you what to expect.  For some people, it works exactly like your wife says it will.  Having a Dom would allow her to experience her submissive side and in doing so, it really does strengthen the marriage.  She will be happy, more content, and if the Dominant that you are dealing with is a good one, there will be benefits for you as well.

For some people, it works out like you are afraid it will.  They lose touch with their vanilla partners because they are more fulfilled with their D/s side.  If the Dominant that you are dealing with takes advantage of this, there is a possibility that you will lose her or that you can not provide what it is that she wants in her life.  The Dom might have nothing to do with it at all and this is a choice that she makes because she feels it is what she really wants.

What I'm telling you is that you can't predict the future.  There is a risk element involved.  That element is there whether you allow her to enter D/s with another person or not.  The risk is just as valid if you don't agree to it because you will have reached an incompatibility in your own relationship.

If you have insecurities about this, I'd suggest the three of you sit down and discuss how to make it work while still keeping your relationship at home strong.  What situations are ok with you and which ones aren't?  Do you have an open communication with him?  Are you allowed to ask questions about their time together?  Is it acceptable to watch them play together (strictly as an observer) to calm the fears that you have?  Do you have stipulations that you are not comfortable with?  Do you have veto power if things don't go well?  If it does interfere with your relationship at home, is it understood that you will remove your consent for the D/s to continue?  What kind of ground rules do you really have going on here?

Two weeks isn't a very long time to make this kind of arrangement.  MP and I took several months discussing that we were going to become poly.  Best thing we ever did.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:28:12 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		After signing up we have talked about me meeting a domme to see if this is what I want. I have not updated my profile and will be doing so fast (lol). She and I have talked about our past experiences and I have never strayed from being dom, with personality and profession.

I am learning what she is looking for and eant to learn more about it. She does not like pain and that is where she is teaching me about slapping her ass then soothing it with kisses or a hand rub. I took my beer eairlier today and presses in between her shoulder blades then took my fingers and guided one finger doen her spine and she looked at me and stated that is what she is looking for and wants, so I can learn.


(in reply to HisPet21)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:31:12 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		First, you are a great hubby. So go with that. It is NOT contestable....you are willing to go all the way to keep your woman happy.

I do not have enough details about this thing with your wife and the dom. Please: be there, and pay attention. Make friends with the dom (even if you hate him) and try to get him to teach you stuff. He's an intro, and you need that.

If there is any way possible, talk with your wife about this event, try to learn her expectations, try to learn how YOU can ensure her expectations take place.

Are you getting this, OP? Put yourself in the birdcage -- if you can. The right attitude can turn this around 180 degrees.


_____________________________



(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:31:16 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline 		Does she understand that it is important for your needs to be met as well?

(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:31:23 PM   
Pteryx


Posts: 29
Joined: 7/14/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzz69

Thanks for your advice, I am even willing to learn form him to be a dom if he is willing to teach. I have to talk with him and get an understand of what he wants out of the ralationship.



a word of caution: her seeing it first from him and then you may make you look like "poser" in her mind. part of the subs desire is to see value in her service to you. it can get weird if she finds that value in him first and then you trying to act the part.

you are better off taking a sub yourself.

this is not just a sub thing. many women (not all), vanilla or kinky, can get mixed signals by another man assuming a dominant role in a relationship. she will appreciate that you value her enough to want that experience together.


(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:35:43 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		She tells me that she doesnot want to leave me, this is as of today, an I understand that, I am scared and nervious and getting that funny feeling in my stomch.

(in reply to HisPet21)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:40:13 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Both of us have had MMF and she has had more exoerieces before we met and married. I wil take the advice and sit with both of them and set rules, boundries and limites and possiable have him teach me to more of a dom than I have been. Gound rules have not been set execpt one and that is no session will happen until I agree to it.

One quick question, how long is a session normally?

I ask and understand that a session is more that 30 min, I know that they can last for severa hours or days. can you help?

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:41:47 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		That is what she is saying is that this will help our marrige and relationship. I am scared to say the least!

(in reply to HisPet21)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:42:24 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Yeah okay stop that. Ask yourself: What is going to work? You being in control of what she does, or you stepping back and worrying about what will transpire?

You can turn this around I think, just do it.

If it doesn't work, let's face it, you have not lost a thing.




_____________________________



(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:45:47 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		coming out of my 5 yeat depression that she stood by me in and I am coming out of it now and she wants this now, wow, confused, scared, and worried that I may lose her and my kids as well.

I will sit doen with both of them and talk about limits, ground rules and time limits for sessions or can I have these stipulation?

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:51:25 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Yes, you can have all the stipulations you want.

If they/she does not like it...well shesh bro you know where you stand then, right?

Ask for what you need.


_____________________________



(in reply to Buzz69)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Confused - 7/15/2011 7:53:27 PM   
Buzz69


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/13/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks

wish I was closer so I could talk to you in person

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 20
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