Abuse in BDSM clothing

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Abuse in BDSM clothing

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Abuse in BDSM clothing

Page: [1] 2 3 4 5 next > >>

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Abuse in BDSM clothing - 9/16/2011 9:37:44 PM

StacyLostnSpace

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/29/2011
Status: offline

I have a lot on my mind and nowhere to vent...so I'll write it here since my story sorta fits here and someone might learn from my life and my mistakes. I wasn't sure if this fit better on the polyamory forum or the BDSM general discussion..its a long read...pull up a chair.

I got involved with a married man who was in an open marriage...back in the late 90's. I felt a great deal of guilt about it and tried to break it off...but got sucked back in. He tried very hard to integrate me into his family ..inviting me over for dinner, NYE, etc....it was ALWAYS uncomfortable for me and his wife gave off a vibe like she wanted to beat the crap out of both of us. Soon after he started talking about leaving her when his son turned 18..and I wasn't quite sure how I felt about that...in the back of my mind I panicked. This is also around the time that he started just showing up without warning, started leaving hickeys high on my neck even though I had a professional job in an corporate environment. At this point we played with cuffs once and there was no indication that there was any D/s dynamic(this is important later on)

One day he showed up at my door with a bread machine under one arm and a grocery bag filled with a toothbrush, deodorant and some work clothes. He pointed to a finger where his wedding band used to be..his wife kicked him out.....I took him in with an understanding that he had two weeks to figure out what he wanted..and I was very supportive of him moving back home and ending it with me(It's what I was hoping for). He never went back.

I felt obligated at this point and I was becoming financially involved and going into debt while he signed over every paycheck to his wife. Eventually they got around to divorcing and we started to plan a wedding.....I was so invested in protecting him(and my income) from his 'evil' ex-wife through the divorce..I might have confused that protective feeling with love...I think I loved him...I'm just not so sure of anything anymore.

During this time we started to explore D/s a little bit more, I really got into taking care of him...breakfast in bed, made his lunches deferred to him on almost everything, but I was never fan of the equipment or the pain so that was saved for special occasions. Every time I got stressed out about money or some game the ex-wife was playing..we would fight and he would immediately tear up and declare that 'he couldn't go on living with out me'...which of course would end the fight. Attending work functions or going out with friends also became impossible during this time...he would call every 15 minutes..he would 'pick me up' from the function even though the company was providing transportation. I just stopped going because it was more hassle than it was worth, and it was annoying to everyone around me.

He was very good at making me feel like I was special, he often told me that I was all he would need for the rest of his life, that I ruined porn for him, that my touch would take his chronic pain away...he really built me up.

On our wedding day he tore me down, two hours after our wedding he brought up swinging....on OUR wedding day, the day that we committed ourselves to each other for life...he brings up swinging...I was crushed...I hated him in that instant..he couldn't let me have the 1 wedding day of my entire life be about our love for one another..it was about his sex addiction. He started obsessing about swinging from that point forward...I was so sick of hearing it. By time we got back from the honeymoon 2 weeks later I was trying to figure out how I could leave and afford all of the wedding debt on my own.

Guess who got pregnant on the honeymoon?..yup me. So I held on and begged him to back off the swinging thing...and he didn't. Prior to going off birth control I asked if we could afford to have kids considering the amount he paid in child support and extras for his son...he assured me that we could afford it with no problem...I, of course, had long since left the household bills to him and I had no clue one way or the other...so I stopped taking my pills. When I was around 6-7 months pregnant he told me that I had to come up with the money to cover daycare(12k per year in our area)....this set me off into a depression it was my first conscious realization that I was in a very bad position, helpless and stuck.

I had my son and fell in love..yet my depression during my pregnancy became really ugly post partum...the worse I got the more my husband would talk about pregnancy changing people for the worse and ruining marriages and he would bash anti-depressants and counseling for post-partum depression at the same time....I was afraid to ask for help when I needed it most because I felt that he would leave us. I spent my days holding my baby fantasizing about packing up the car and the baby and just driving away. This is when you notice the 'happy' leave my face in pictures..it has yet to return.

I had 3.5 months of maternity leave..I finally decided to look for daycare around the 6 week mark....there were no available spots that would allow me to work full time...at best I could drive 45 more minutes past work and cut my hours to part time to accommodate a daycare that was only open for 8.5 hours a day. Otherwise there was a 6-12 month waiting list everywhere else.

I was stuck ..really, really stuck.

I ended up quitting my job and working as a webcam girl/phone sex actress in the evenings when my husband was home to watch the baby...it was good money. I sucked it up and did what I needed to do to make sure my baby was fed...but it tore me up inside...it was a big dark dirty secret. Then my husband would want to watch...which made it even worse..at least I could pretend there was no one on the other side of the video feed...through all of this my husband was still hounding me about swinging non stop and all I wanted to do was run away. My husband suggested that we were in a very bad place financially and I should start escorting and I was so desperate to make sure my baby was fed..I actually thought it was worth trying....my husband built the website, set up an appt for me..and allowed me to get ready and I was pissed that he would allow his wife to do something like this to feed his child..I flipped out, the appt canceled soon after and my husband claimed that he was 'only joking' about pimping me out. He was 'only joking' about so many things 'after' the anger set in and the damage was done.

My husband was traveling for work and if we did have sex...I would immediately pop 2-3 birth control pills that I had stashed away from before we were married....I was determined to go back to work and get out. Around my son's first birthday I realized I was pregnant again...the only problem was..I thought I had avoided sex for 2 months between his business trips and colds and just pure exhaustion. My husband claimed that 'he' was ready for another baby and took care of it while I was sleeping. He even bragged to co-workers about it.

I don't regret my second son, I love him so much...but I was stuck again because there was no way we could afford daycare for 2. All throughout that pregnancy he hounded me about swinging even though I begged him to stop. I eventually countered with open marriage.."you do your thing ..I'll do mine". He complained that it was going to be easier for me than him if he couldn't dangle me as part of the deal...so then we did nothing about it for a year or two.

I met someone on line and with my husband's blessing I went off and got laid(just to get it over with and give him a taste of what he wanted from this marriage)...when I got home my husband wanted a full account and wanted to re-enact the entire evening...all I wanted to do was sleep and forget it ever happened. My husband became frantic soon afterward....afraid that I would leave him, threatened to take my children and tell my mother and his parents that I was a whore, so I called off the fling after one date...and my husband started in about swinging again..(I know this is annoying to read over and over again but imagine what it was like for me to listen to my husband talk about it everyday for hours at a time for years.)

Eventually I countered with 'take it or leave it open marriage' and he agreed..and I met up with someone I had been chatting with for months online..fooled around but didn't have sex and my husband had another bad reaction...threatened to take the kids away again and decided not to see my friend again.

Soon after my husband met someone on line and was all about open marriage again..I encouraged him because he was going to get his BDSM fix somewhere else, I had long since decided to avoid BDSM situations with him because he lost control and would ignore safe words and just go too damn far..I had no trust in him and I feared for my life. And to be honest part of me hoped that he would move on. After a few weeks he decided that his new friend was 'unstable' and moved on to someone new the next day.

I decided to exercise my option and met up with my friend again...while I was getting ready he started mind fucking me..asking me if I wanted to go see my friend 'looking like that' and a slew of other things trying to shake me up. I went anyway(tears in my eyes)..and fooled around again(no intercourse) when got home..my husband was out of his mind again...indicated that he had my youngest son pacing the floors worried bout whether or not "mommy would ever come home" so I gave up...resigned myself to mother and wife and let my husband 'do his thing'.

I grew resentful, he was trying to integrate her into our family and knowing history repeats itself I asked him to call it off...he said he would..instead he hired her and put her on payroll and she started traveling with him. He said there was nothing he could do..anyone else would demand more money we couldn't afford to pay. I finally stopped working the webcam , it was too much for me to handle, I was a wreck, it was doing damage.

I voiced my concerns over their relationship often and quite clearly..only to be ignored each and every time. I eventually gave up because at he was gone so often it was out of sight and out of mind and the kids were getting what they needed..and when he was home he was spending it with us. My only request was that they be discreet so I wouldn't have to explain things to my family.

He started bringing her along on family vacations even though I asked for strictly family vacations(meaning leave the girlfriend home and reconnect with us as a family) he would even sleep in her bed with my children there...I hated every second of it and he knew it and continued anyway.

He lost a big contract and had to lay off his employees ...I thought he would spend more time with us, instead he started spending every other night at the girlfriend's house..some days leaving as early as 1pm before the kids came home from school and not returning until after dinner the next day.

Of course during this time they made sure her parents thought it was just a friendship(remember this for later..'her' parents CANNOT know what she's doing).

While business was slower than before I noticed my husband pushing off work to spend time with the girlfriend...bills went unpaid....the cupboards went bare....now I was considering divorce in order to get food stamps and medicaid for the kids because their father's head and heart were elsewhere. I un friended anyone associated with the girlfriend on Facebook because it just broke my heart to see pictures of him spending time with them instead of with his family...and when I felt the marriage was pretty much over I took my married status off facebook and and eventually pulled his last name off of my profile...I was so disgusted by his distraction/behavior and unfriended him.

I made one last plea, begging him to get his head out of his ass and save the marriage..he agreed that he would dump the girlfriend because he couldn't live with out me...he spent 3 nights at home and then ran back over there for 2.

I was desperate to get health coverage for the kids ..my youngest has a huge cavity and we were lucky to have $100 at any given time...and the refrigerator was empty more and more and my husband wasn't around to notice or care..at this point suggested that he move in with the girlfriend so I could get state assistance to provide for the kids. He refused.

On the morning of August 26th my mother called to tell me that my husband posted that he was in a relationship with his girlfriend on facebook..where all of my relatives could see. I had had enough...after 10+ years of abuse(and yes it was abuse..mental, financial, emotional, sexual and toward the end physical..I have spared you those ugly details, but I have had the domestic abuse shelter line programmed into my cell since February along with 'go bags' for myself and the kids) ..I asked for a divorce and every thing poured out in grand hysterics..even how crushed I was on my wedding day..he didn't even apologize..just said he didn't know my family was on his list of friends and looked away. And to be honest if it wasn't for that facebook post..I would probably still be putting up with his crap...he put the abuse out for the world to see..I couldn't hide it or explain it away any longer..I had to deal with it.

He later told me that if he wasn't able to inflict pain onto me, the marriage wasn't worth saving. No heartfelt apology, no tears, no suicide threats..he just sat there typing on his computer as my world was getting torn apart.

Did he plan for it to end that way? Based on the cold calm reaction...I am assuming that there was a plan..I'm not sure why it had to end that way when I suggested and encouraged that he move in with the girlfriend for months before hand. Maybe it was the final mindfuck. Who knows...

I am still having my moments...he is living with the girlfriend and I am scrambling to figure out my next move with the kids since we can't afford to stay, here. I still tense up if I hear a motorcycle drive by or a car door close near the house..yet a little part of me wants to know exactly when he decided she was worth more than me.

I know that they have profiles here and I see a lot of things on their couple profile that remind me of the early days of my hell. Maybe that's the type of relationship she wants, maybe that's the only type of relationship that she knows. What he offers is not D/s, it's abuse lightly covered in kink, it's not healthy, he may not even realize how broken he is.....

Maybe my story will help someone who thinks things "aren't quite right"....even in this twisted world we live in. I am going to have a hard time trusting anybody for the rest of my life and I have lost over 10 years to someone who only stayed as long as they got to bully me/hurt me...I don't believe that he ever loved me.