Alecta
Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
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quote:
ORIGINAL: yourMasterTerry
After reading the comments posted, I see that some of you need more information before you start casting stones at me. Without having all of the facts a lot of you just assume that you know how things actually are, but as normal when someone assumes they either make an ass of them self or others, in this case you are the ass.
I was delighted to see you responding on the thread, but then I started reading it and I have to say, insulting people who're trying to help is frankly a very bad idea. Even if specific persons aren't the people you're angry about, it reflects badly on you. Like how the bitches whining about pro-dommes turns the lifestyle dommes off. It's even worse when the post was reposted so you'd obviously read what you wrote and had the opportunity to think about it.
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Normally, I do not feel that I should have to explain myself to anybody, for I answer to no one. However, my protective instincts have kicked in and feel that some of you are being too mean to my slave and are attempting to humiliate her in some way. So I feel that I need to step in to protect my property. I notice how some of you are actually trying to be helpful, while others of limited intelligence are trying to be hurtful. I had my slave open the account on Collar Me to find a friend on here that she would be able to talk to about the lifestyle and about things that I may not be able to supply her with as a Dom/Master. It is unrealistic for me to believe that I can supply her with everything that she needs, and there is no one we know in real life that is objective enough for her to talk to about anything of this nature, so I thought this would be a good place for her to find a friend.
The miscommunication here is the slave's phrasing, which really is her fault and not yours, she said "to help me learn to be a better slave for him", which reads like "teach me what slavey things I can to do make him happy". I cast no judgements on going online to a forum to ask strangers rather than approach a local community, I understand that. It is easier sometimes precisely because they are strangers. BUT you have to be prepared that the strangers may not be respectful, they're not obligated to be. You have to be prepared that they might say things you don't want to hear or you disagree with, and that they are going to feel they know better than you. On the internet, we're all anonymous and newbs until we ingrain ourselves otherwise to each other. Just because you SAY you know what you're doing doesn't mean any of us have to believe you. Sorry.
As for getting your slave a friend, you have to accept that the slave's friend is HER friend, not yours, and the friends are going to say things based on cues picked up from her, not answers you want her to have. If you decide to let her find her own friend, you have to be prepared that you may not like the people she chooses to be friends with. If you're going to have an issue with that then what you should have done was look for friends FOR her (cue the other women going up in arms against me). It's my belief that if she is unable to trust the friend that you found for her, then fundamentally she does not trust you and having friends aren't going to help.
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Yes, it is my responsibility as Master to teach and train her as well as for me to learn, I often send my slave web sites and other information about D/s and M/s relationships as well as talk with her about my expectations. She obtained my permission to ask the question that she posted, so I allowed it and did not change it. I realize now that we have an issue that we will work on together. Just to let all of you know, there are actually several stipulations and we both know what they are, but I want her to “feel” that there are none. As far as the no choice thing goes, it is conceptual, it may be unrealistic but as a slave, I want her to feel that she has no choice.
I completely understand this, it's part and parcel of the slave dynamic. I HATE explaining and assuring potential slaves and subs that I'm not actually going to hurt them. It takes the fun out of it for EVERYONE, especially me as an emotional sadist. BUT, it is important for the slave I am with to understand that there IS a way to voice her feelings and that the stuff she feels is ok, is necessary to voice, and has to be worked through together and that I'm prepared to work through it with her. It does not sound like your slave has gotten this message, which is what has gone wrong here.
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The relationship we have is, in my opinion, D/s as well as M/s but there is underlying ideals that make the relationship M/s more so then D/s. She always has the right to say time out, I have a question, or I need a break, I have even allow her to let me know, when she feels that she is really not into it, and I will not attempt to control her at that time.
This is how you feel, but it's not the way she feels. There's no point of a safeword if you can't remember it. If she doesn't feel in her core she's entitled to feel the way she does, that's when you have the problem. As a slave, what she needs to understand in her core that she's entitled to it "under xyz conditions".
My suggestions, if you choose to take it, is to start a sort of "talking stick" ritual. Let her keep a blog to vent. The only rule of it being she has to be brutally honest. And the rules on you with the blog is you read it but cannot judge her. She has to understand that she can write whatever she wants, even revenge fantasies on you, and that you will not be upset at her over it. That you will not judge her based on it. That to all intents and purposes you would pretend you don't know about it. But nothing said on the blog would be taken as stuff that she genuinely wants unless she voices it. Which is where a "talking stick" exists. When she is holding it, she is no longer the slave and free to discuss anything, any doubt, any uncomfortability, and that it will be discussed rationally, reasonably, respectfully, and not just a session of you convincing her what she's feeling is a mistake.
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24/7/365 is unrealistic but more of a suggestive thought that the subliminal mind will control. We have a 13 year old child that we do not want to know how “crazy” his father is so when he is around we are very vanilla, when he is not around we turn the M/s switch on.
I presume this is directed at my statement that 24/7 is a fantasy. About 24/7, that is very much more a mental control thing than getting fucked 24/7. It is going about 24/7 and feeling the Master's presence in the back of your head, controlling everything you're doing whether it's pumping gas or making dinner. But this is MUCH more intense than being tied up to a cross for 6 hours and flogged every two, especially for a woman, who relate more on a mental and emotional level than physical! Even when the "switch is off", SHE may not feel it being off, she could just feel it's a "disguise on" time. A clear visual signal of "the switch is off" helps.
What I feel is truly unrealistic about the relationship you have with your slave is that she thinks it is non-consensual slavery and it does not seem like she has any experience in it-- and this is the problem. she feels like you've thrown her in the deep end. It doesn't matter if you didn't, if it was her fault or yours. It is your responsibility to pick her up and go "look, just put your feet down, it's ok," show her the water is only waist-high, and by no means make her feel stupid for mistaking the depth of the water.
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My slave and I are married; we have been married over 14 years and have been experimenting with the lifestyle for the past 6 years. We have during this time been discussing, listing, counseling, attempting, fighting, arguing, planning, and researching. Yes I am a self diagnosed non criminal sadist; I am a professionally diagnosed Sexual Addict. For me as a child I experienced all of the childhood descriptions of a sadist, however, as I aged, I was able to control the urges and only fantasized about BDSM. Seven months after our wedding our planned child was born and no he was not premature he actually was 2 weeks late and since he was planned he was not the reason we got married. We got married for all the right reasons, but things changed as they normally do when a child is born, but never returned to a reasonable level of mutual desire and sexuality for my wife. She spoke with the doctor about her loss in sex drive and desire and even asked if it may be post pardon depression, according to her doctor she did not show the symptoms of this form of depression.
I am a compulsive natured person that re-thinks actions or thoughts over and over again. I also am a caring person and I truly love my wife and she loves me as well, that is the way it is now and the way it was then. Unfortunately over the next 7 years after the birth of our son, my compulsive mind began to wonder as to what I had done to cause my wife to not want me anymore? We talked about the facts over and over again, and she always assured me that it was not me or anything I did, it was her. That she just lost the desire for sex. The longer I would go without the closeness of relations between us the more I would fantasize about what I would like to have, since she had no desire for sex, no longer even wanted it the boredom I felt released those suppressed childhood thoughts and I goofed, I spoke the words out loud concerning my fantasy and she decided that she would try, but would never fully commit. We set up ground rules for both of us, I always tried to follow them, and occasionally I would cross the line and so would she. I told her that in order for this to work she needs to fully commit and accept it.
IMO, Doctors are very ill-qualified for diagnosing post-partum depression. Also IMO, there are many other forms of depression and depressive like states that do not fall in the narrow spectrum of post-partum that are too often ignored and in no way less influential. Hormonal changes will affect her sex drive. How she feels about herself will change. She could be high functioning and hide it well, that doesn't mean there isn't a problem. This does not mean it's a problem with YOU. It is not her fault. The question that needed to be asked at that point is how did she feel about those changes in herself. And for you to support her either way.
Has she been on birth control since the birth? That could do it. I've probably tried every birth control pill there is on the market. None of them work for me, I'm just a complete despondent WRECK on them. I'm an anomaly, but I did not connect my moods and changes to the birth control, it was my husband who thought of it initially and brought it to the attention of me and my Doctor.
Is the stress and unhappiness emotional? When mundane life gets rough, no woman feels sexual. While things fall in place for men after sex, it is the exact opposite with women. It may not be problems with you at home per say, but if she's too tied up in her identity as whatever else she's doing: mother, career woman etc, she is not connecting with her identity as a woman and she is not going to be as sexual as before. If she feels she is compromised in some way, even if her logical mind disagrees, she is not going to feel sexual.
Regarding sexual addiction... I know a few. Sex addicts don't enjoy sex, they're just compelled to it. It IS a problem that needs to be policed, controlled, worked with, not whole-sale indulged in. Beng a Dom is NOT an excuse for you to be an addict. It cannot be. It also cannot be a means of getting laid. Which from how you're wording it, sounds like it.
It is very much less forgiveable for the Dom/Master to break ground rules than the sub/slave. Very much less so. The sub/slave lets go and puts EVERYTHING in your hands. The Dom/Master takes on all the responsibilities.
I'm going back to the talking stick suggestion. But The others are right, just because you've "played" over the last six years doesn't mean she or you are prepared for slavery, and it does not sound like the two of you are. Dial it all the way back. One day of complete slavery a week, the next day spent being completely honest and listening to her about what's going on in her head. 6 months later, increase the days of slavery.
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Early this month I told her my final thoughts on the subject and what I wanted to happen. In my opinion she had a choice and freely entered into the agreement. She had firsthand experience and plenty of knowledge. She made an informed choice. She made a promise and I expect her to keep it. So if anyone wants to give her insight or to be her friend please do so. If anyone wants to beat her down for making the choice she has freely made, keep it to you self. Remember opinions are like ass holes, everyone has one, and they all stink.
No-one has beat her down for the choice she made. She was being admonished for making it ill-informed. It sounds like from her own words she had no understanding of what she was getting into and doing, and that's a big NO in the lifestyle. It feels very strongly that she was pressured into agreeing to be a slave and what she might have originally thought was consensual slavery is in fact from her POV non-consensual. The key words being "I know that my Master does not know that I entered into this agreement feeling obligated or like I had no other choice, but that is the case. Now that I have done this, I am trying to find a way to ignore my thoughts and feelings while I am in a scene with my Master."
A lot of reading material does not equate to knowledge. Were she with as much experience and knowledge as you seem to credit her with she would not have phrased her question the way she did. She would not have this problame where she feels completely non-consensually powerless.
The other thing that is coming across from her and your communication is you do not seem to realise that you are emotionally bulldozing her, which you are, and which while somewhat forgiveable just as her vanilla husband, is unforgiveable as her Dom, much less her Master. Because the penultimate rule of being a Dom and Master is BEING AWARE. A guy who just throws his weight around and not realising or understanding what is truly going on with his subs is just a bully. A guy who tells someone to fuck them without connecting with them truly first as Master and slave or Dom and sub is just a rapist (bearing in mind there are women with rape fantasies).
Being Dom isn't an international license to "your way or the high way". And please understand when I say this, that I am not a bleeding-heart Domme. The difference between how much of a domineering bitch queen I am to someone comes down only to the question of how much I'd care if they were to disappear from my life RIGHT NOW. The less I care, the more insufferable I am. Whereas caring does not mean I'm less Dominant, it means I'm more patient and encouraging (which I usually aren't at all). It is the difference, for example, when a slave brings me the wrong drink, me pouring it on his head, and me telling them "That's wrong. Fix it." It is the thing that reminds me to tell them "That was good. Keep it up."
The biggest problem that people are trying to help you with on this board is you two are clearly not on the same page, and clearly she's only doing it to KEEP YOU HAPPY. You have to accept and respect it, because you have more than a D/s relationship, you have been married for 14 years. Being a Dom is not the same as being a Husband. You guys have to be BOTH husband/wife and Master/slave, and if you cannot do so in a way you're BOTH happy, then you Terry are going to have to make a mutual choice to choose to be Husband or Dom... and the decision is on you because she has clearly demonstrated she will support your choices in regards to saving the marriage and sex, whatever they are.
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RE: Slave, Help me - 
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