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struggles - 1/2/2012 6:45:22 PM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

when i first met my dom. it was play at first meet. we didn't meet for coffee, we didn't really talk alot. i met him within 48 hrs of knowing him online. there was this intangible chemistry, i felt safe with him even though i don't know him. and this is not normal for me, with anybody else, it takes a long while, even months and months of chatting before i agree to play, as trust is hard.

play day one without even discussing anything about my likes and dislikes, but purely only safe words, everything went beyond my imagination. i had the best time of my life, much better than previous doms whom we actually discussed in detail before play what we're into and yet chemistry didn't click. they don't get me.

it felt magical, like this dom and i were just made for each other.

he asked me for exclusivity from day one and he said if i don't agree to it, then he won't see me again.

this was where i fucked up.

i agreed, but had no intention of keeping my word. I just wanted to play with him again.

I just felt, he doesn't know me, I don't know him, and his being very unreasonable asking for exclusivity. It's like asking for exclusivity without any commitment from his end.

Anyway, obviously when he found out, he was livid. BDSM between us has turned into him punishing me for my sins constantly.

Perhaps it was doomed from the start like this. I start beginning to be unable to take pain. Before, when he hits me, he always marked me, I would be very bruised but big smiles and great satisfaction out of it, I enjoyed the pain, but that was when we were both doing it for fun. When his beating me becomes punishment instead of just mutual joy, his not even left a single mark on me and the pain became excruciating for me. I can't enjoy bdsm as a punishment. And he claims it's not punishment, and it's all psychological with me now, I always think his punishing me.

On top of that, I did all that because I didn't think he really cared about me, so I didn't have to behave like I cared about him. But ever since he told me he loved me, I never ever met anybody else from online again. And have been faithful ever since. It's been more than 2 yrs since he told me he loved me.

But one thing he wanted me to do was stop chatting too. I could not do that. BDSM is a lonely world, and I feel like I need to talk about it with other people into the same things, just for my emotional and mental well being. But he doesn't understand, and feels that me chatting means that I am looking to play behind his back.

I really want to save our relationship, and I love him very much, and I am seeing a counsellor, but it's a vanilla counsellor, I could not tell her the extent of going ons. How will she understand?

I know most people say, it's too hard, just walk away and move on. I just wish bdsm counsellors exist where I am to help us reach a happy place.

I believe relationships survive because they keep trying to overcome problems. Relationship dies when they cannot overcome the problem anymore. Vanilla or BDSM, it's the same.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 1/2/2012 6:47:43 PM >