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RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 7:56:42 PM

BurntKitty

Posts: 3340
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: Here To Eternity.
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

OP dude, the condom thing...

Why is the condom there? For birth control? For STI prevention? KEEP THE CONDOM ON if either/both of these is an issue.

As to your vanilla/kink match: someone said it will keep rearing its kinky head and my guess is...it will. So give her a chance to understand what drives you and either participate or decide it's not her cup of tea. Isn't there a book called 'When Someone You Love Is Kinky?' Folks here recommend it all the time.

In the past when meeting men I'm attracted to of unknown lifestyle affiliation, I've brought it up this way: "Ummm, while we're getting acquainted here I need to tell you this teensy, tiny little thing about me..."

And then I say I'm a domme and ask if there are any questions.

Edit: 'cuz I grammar policed myself.

What MDA says! (Yes, I'm stalking you.) There's a lot of good books that can help. That one is great to introduce a lover to BDSM.

Good luck.

Edited to add:
v
v
v
v
v
v
Book links below!!! (Thanks RS)

< Message edited by BurntKitty -- 1/26/2012 8:06:04 PM >

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Post #: 41

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 8:04:12 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

Usually, if it is questionable enough that you have to ask, the answer is yes.

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I give good thread.

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Post #: 42

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 8:04:56 PM

BoxwineForBrunch

Posts: 184
Joined: 11/14/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

Hi all,

I'm a 23 year old male in a new vanilla relationship with a girl (about a few months now).. She is totally vanilla and not into bdsm.. And I feel since I stopped actively seeking a Mistress and attempted to run away from my desires and be vanilla I have kind of lost my sex drive.. When we are getting intimate I find myself thinking of humiliation and bdsm. I am not going to cheat and serve a mistress or anything like that, but would it be cheating/bad if I perhaps paid and talked to say a financial domme, as in one i would never actually meet? just one to pay and talk online to so i am still somewhat involved with bdsm but not getting intimate with another woman, or is that just straight up wrong?

it isn't just that it would be wrong, it would also be sad. just so very, terribly sad.

imagine being your girlfriend when she finds out about this--oh your girlfriend is going to find out about this, you're aware of that, right?--so imagine being your girlfriend. "you...gave some woman money that you never met to....insult you online? and to...make you do things to yourself so she could laugh at you? and....you gave her money you might otherwise have used to go out with your buddies, or take me to nice dinners?" bro, your girlfriend won't even be able to get mad at you, she will just. feel. so. sad. for. you.

you're going to be unfaithful to your honey bunny, and you're going to do it in a way that won't even let her feel anything but pity and contempt for you instead of at least getting the satisfaction of a really explosive outburst of anger followed by years of slow, simmering resentment. dick move chico, dick move.

c'mon dude, if you're gonna sin, sin boldly.

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Post #: 43

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 8:07:27 PM

Fornica

Posts: 2986
Status: offline

~Fornica falls madly in love with Boxwine~

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoxwineForBrunch

c'mon dude, if you're gonna sin, sin boldly.

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There is no spoon.

(in reply to BoxwineForBrunch)

Post #: 44

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 8:08:43 PM

MissImmortalPain

Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline

Your profile says you are activly looking for a domme now. If that is true you are already cheating on her on an emotional level so I am not sure what difference giving away your money would make. Having said that...Just tell her. She will either work out what both of you need or walk away. In the long run it is not worth it to waste time pretending to be something you are not. If you have a real need than tell her about it. If she can not fill that need, find someone that can.

_____________________________

It is always by way of pain that we arrive at pleasure.

We must all go through a right of passage,and it must be physical, it must be painful,and it must leave a mark.

(in reply to slaveloser69)

Post #: 45

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 8:31:58 PM

bighappygoth39

Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline

I really don't think your needs and desires will ever be met until you can decide what you want. You have a few choices:

1) Stay in your vanilla relationship, while cheating on your girlfriend and make yourself feel more and more guilty about your deceit until you're either found out, or you fess up.
2) End it with her and patiently look for someone you can have your dream relationship with.
3) End it with her and make some friends either online or at munches and see if you can find some play partners.
4) End it with her and find a pro domme who will cater to your needs.
5) Talk to your girlfriend about it, at length, and see how things go from there. You might even find that she is into it as well, but you'll never know if you don't ask her.

I guess it all boils down to how strongly you feel about this girl compared to how much your needs and desires are now needing to be met. Either way, it's not going to be easy.

Just remember that, if you do feel that strongly about her but end it without an explanation, you could be missing out on something special.
Good luck.

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Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

(in reply to slaveloser69)

Post #: 46

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 8:38:36 PM

kjade

Posts: 39
Joined: 1/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bighappygoth39

I really don't think your needs and desires will ever be met until you can decide what you want. You have a few choices:

1) Stay in your vanilla relationship, while cheating on your girlfriend and make yourself feel more and more guilty about your deceit until you're either found out, or you fess up.
2) End it with her and patiently look for someone you can have your dream relationship with.
3) End it with her and make some friends either online or at munches and see if you can find some play partners.
4) End it with her and find a pro domme who will cater to your needs.
5) Talk to your girlfriend about it, at length, and see how things go from there. You might even find that she is into it as well, but you'll never know if you don't ask her.

I guess it all boils down to how strongly you feel about this girl compared to how much your needs and desires are now needing to be met. Either way, it's not going to be easy.

Just remember that, if you do feel that strongly about her but end it without an explanation, you could be missing out on something special.

That's damn near verbatim of what i orginally said. ^5 it all comes down to choices and honestly is the best policy. That way everything is in the open and you know where it stands. Bad or good.
Good luck.

(in reply to bighappygoth39)

Post #: 47

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 8:49:19 PM

slaveloser69

Posts: 44
Joined: 3/5/2011
Status: offline

Thanks for all the great responses people. I have come to the conclusion (well i've really always thought it was wrong just needed validation) that i'm not going to do anything near/close to paying other online domme's or anything that could be thought of as cheating so that part of this post is DEAD, -- hang it up-- flat screen.

I will try talking to her after a few weeks and tell her this is what i'm into. If she bounces, or thinks i'm a weirdo (has happened a lot) then she obviously isn't the right one for me. If I look past my desires and try to fight my bdsm urges sooner or later it's going to come back to me and bite me in the ass.

Someone said not to tell her about the SPH until she undersrands it or she'll bounce. That's probably true, so I really have to be slick with my words, and not go too far, or tell her in the wrong way.... I just hope this works. I'll tell her a little (not everything like i'd like to be forced to be a cuckold, etc)

(in reply to kjade)

Post #: 48

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 8:50:31 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69
.. so i figure she'll freak out and maybe leave me

IF its gonna be a deal breaker, isn't better to find out sooner rather than later?

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(in reply to slaveloser69)

Post #: 49

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 11:01:27 PM

Justyourpet

Posts: 44
Joined: 10/24/2011
Status: offline

Hey get back to us with what happened. I'm really curious as to how this will work out

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 50

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/26/2012 11:26:59 PM

ghostraven

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/19/2012
Status: offline

OP, this is just my humble opinion. *passes a grain of salt*. So, if you tend to ejaculate prematurely then it is perhaps best that you keep the condom. I know that if I wear a condom I'm not getting off. Period. However, another solution to this is simply this..."Real niggas know that the first nut is slippery"-Katt Williams. Clean the pipes first.

The second problem you have is even more of a trip. Think of this, being with this person is unfulfilling to you. We are humans and as such selfish. Even if you're a slave, you have needs. You NEED bdsm. All of us in this lifestyle need it. Staying with your vanilla girlfriend is cheating on your own heart. A man who will do that cannot be loyal to anyone. A very easy introduction for her into this lifestyle is to, after you get off, go down on her. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it is kinky. If she doesn't run, you have a foundation.

(in reply to Justyourpet)

Post #: 51

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/27/2012 3:18:26 AM

Delilya

Posts: 4108
Joined: 2/2/2011
Status: offline

/loves me some Katt Williams/

Sometimes you get surprised. When I sat my last LTR down to explain the facts of life to him, it turned out that he was a submissive cross dresser. We would have missed out on many years of happiness had we never talked. Give it a shot, you never know.....

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(in reply to ghostraven)

Post #: 52

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/27/2012 3:32:32 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69
I will try talking to her after a few weeks and tell her this is what i'm into. If she bounces, or thinks i'm a weirdo (has happened a lot) then she obviously isn't the right one for me. If I look past my desires and try to fight my bdsm urges sooner or later it's going to come back to me and bite me in the ass.

Someone said not to tell her about the SPH until she undersrands it or she'll bounce. That's probably true, so I really have to be slick with my words, and not go too far, or tell her in the wrong way.... I just hope this works. I'll tell her a little (not everything like i'd like to be forced to be a cuckold, etc)

Talking should be easy, especially in the beginning. You put something on telly and go 'ohhh that looks good' (think something mildly BDSM not porn) or you have a glass of wine and get the conversation around to fantasy see what SHE likes first, if you are submissive then acting out her fantasies could easily be a submissive act, wait till you can gauge how far her sexuality goes and then drop in bits and bobs that you are interested in.

Don't just chuck a book at her, gotta be honest if someone did that to me right at the start I would be more than a little freaked out.

_____________________________

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Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to slaveloser69)

Post #: 53

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/27/2012 3:37:35 AM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

Maybe it is just easier for women. I don't know. I didn't have any trouble at all letting the guy I lived with know I was kinky. He sorta figured that out, the first time he woke up having an orgasm while simultaneously being fucked in the ass with my finger. All because I was bored, had nothing better to do and I wanted to know if I could make him orgasm while he was sleeping.

After that, he didn't even blink an eye when I dragged him to a Munch.

< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 1/27/2012 3:45:17 AM >

(in reply to Delilya)

Post #: 54

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/27/2012 5:11:07 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

When Someone You Love is Kinky

(in reply to BurntKitty)

Post #: 55

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/27/2012 5:24:29 AM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

Thanks for all the great responses people. I have come to the conclusion (well i've really always thought it was wrong just needed validation) that i'm not going to do anything near/close to paying other online domme's or anything that could be thought of as cheating so that part of this post is DEAD, -- hang it up-- flat screen.

I will try talking to her after a few weeks and tell her this is what i'm into. If she bounces, or thinks i'm a weirdo (has happened a lot) then she obviously isn't the right one for me. If I look past my desires and try to fight my bdsm urges sooner or later it's going to come back to me and bite me in the ass.

Someone said not to tell her about the SPH until she undersrands it or she'll bounce. That's probably true, so I really have to be slick with my words, and not go too far, or tell her in the wrong way.... I just hope this works. I'll tell her a little (not everything like i'd like to be forced to be a cuckold, etc)

Well, Hooray. That is a lot of progress. But wait, there's more. Take a look at your Screen Name.

And another.

Now look at it a third time. Think this time.

Now listen carefully. You sabotage yourself. Habitually.

quote:

Also-- different subject kind of BUT.. the sex was good, but a few days ago-- she was playing with my dick like grabbing it and teasing it and said we couldn't have sex (because my dog was in the room long story).. anyway, then she decided we would have sex and I came in literally 5 seconds.. after that I felt like I wasn't a good lover.. and now i'm having a problem getting it up.. and when I fianlly do, I put the condom on and I'm going in and out of her and I don't stay hard and she says she doesn't feel anything.. So , I take the condom off.. and then I cum very quickly because it feels so good.. any thoughts on this?

Do you see that now? And do you see what you did BECAUSE of it?

Let's go over it. She was being kinky with you and you automatically put a stop to that. Without even thinking about it. Without even noticing the kink. It's like you got some kind of mental block going, keeping you from seeing what you are doing. Question : Why did you get off in five seconds?

Was something exciting happening?

What?

And THEN ...you suddenly turned and headed as far and as fast as could be in precisely the wrong direction. (I should hire a Financial Domme, you said. Like that was your kink. My girlfriend won't mind, you said. As if any woman in the world. And you don't have good wood, and must know that is purely psychological.)

Why?

SABOTAGE. Isn't it? Dwell on that point until it sinks in.

Final point. SPH. Don't bring it up. It is hardly authentic if you ask for it. That makes it sabotage in both directions if you bring it up. Don't play games with rules that say, 'no matter what, you lose', unless you change the rules. Note italics in quote referenced above.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to slaveloser69)

Post #: 56

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/27/2012 6:28:35 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

Thanks for all the great responses people. I have come to the conclusion (well i've really always thought it was wrong just needed validation) that i'm not going to do anything near/close to paying other online domme's or anything that could be thought of as cheating so that part of this post is DEAD, -- hang it up-- flat screen.

I will try talking to her after a few weeks and tell her this is what i'm into. If she bounces, or thinks i'm a weirdo (has happened a lot) then she obviously isn't the right one for me. If I look past my desires and try to fight my bdsm urges sooner or later it's going to come back to me and bite me in the ass.

Someone said not to tell her about the SPH until she undersrands it or she'll bounce. That's probably true, so I really have to be slick with my words, and not go too far, or tell her in the wrong way.... I just hope this works. I'll tell her a little (not everything like i'd like to be forced to be a cuckold, etc)

First of all, you might be done with your original question but it's kind of like people will keep posting on it as they won't read all of the thread to see that. They won't know you're done, or they might have something else to say. Kind of an exercise in futility to keep saying "don't post on that anymore."

Secondly, you say you're going to talk to her about SPH and kink in general in a few weeks. I would be seriously pissed at that were I the gf in question. In other words, you're going to keep interacting with her, having sex, before letting her know what might be a deal breaker for her and she might feel used. You knew you were kinky when you met her, you went into it anyway hoping for the best, you seem to be finding out that while you like sex with her it's not your wet dream, you don't want to lose her however so you're going to pass on telling her what would make sex better for you.

If I were her I'd feel that you had been dishonest with me while taking advantage of the situation to be intimate with me as well. First of all, if I truly cared for you, knowing that you'd been rather unfulfilled by our attempts at sex so far, I'd feel humiliated and mad that I couldn't provide things to you of my own free choice because I didn't know of them.

I'd also be ticked to find out that you let me get that much more attached and spend more time, energy etc before letting me know what the deal was so I could choose to stay or not. It's not really consensual on her part if she doesn't know your preferences here. People tend to get pissed if you take their consensuality away. Like finding out after having sex or spending time and getting attached that someone is married, or someone is bi, or someone has a medical/psychiatric condition, or has a bad history with the law, or has kids, etc. If anyone in the examples I just mentioned told their bf/gf about them after being intimate and spending weeks/months with them, it would suck and may make the untold person upset over not having consented to those things. You may think your sexuality is a side issue, I'd find it a major thing, and I'd be mad that I didn't get to pick if I wanted to be involved with it or not.

You could try gently to bring up the conversation outside of sex. You could try during sex to guide her into doing something that flips your buttons and hope that when she sees how turned on you are that it works for her too. You could search the boards here - there have been a lot of threads on introducing kink to a newbie. You could both read something like "When Someone You Love is Kinky." I do think however that letting things lie until you feel ready to broach it, whenever that is, may not be your best plan.

(in reply to slaveloser69)

Post #: 57

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/27/2012 7:32:21 AM

CeriseNin

Posts: 286
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveloser69

Chatterbox-

So, when I see her.. and we're having sex sometimes she gets mad when i cun quickly.. or doesn't always feel me when im in her.. maybe tell say something on the lines of egging her on, telling her to be mean or something like that..?

How about just sitting with her on the sofa and explaining your desires while both of you still have your clothes on?

(in reply to slaveloser69)

Post #: 58

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/27/2012 7:55:49 AM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I do think however that letting things lie until you feel ready to broach it, whenever that is, may not be your best plan.

Well said, Lizi.

Better listen, Loser, unless you want to live up to the name you chose.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 59

RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 1/27/2012 8:49:00 AM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

It isn't cheating, it however, a significant deception, most people like to know these things about people they are intimate with, much less intend to marry - so it amounts to about the same thing, when she does find out, saying it isn't cheating probably isn't going to help you.

On the other hand, if you out and tell her, it might go badly too, if you have your heart set on her, then maybe try to get her used to the idea, rent femdom type movies, if there is such a thing, i.e., strong female leads - any suggestions anybody?

The Long Kiss Goodnight is the only one I can think of offhand.

(in reply to FrostedFlake)

Post #: 60

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