njlauren
Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
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Maybe my own story will help, and maybe the lessons I learned will help, especially since I obviously can't judge you, having done what I have. I can understand thinking that going to a pro domme might be a solution and in one way it is, since you are not going to get into an emotional relationship going there to meet your bd/sm needs, but it is still going outside the relationship. If she knew and approved, it would be different. In a sense, going to a pro domme is like those people who cheat on their spouse and say "it isn't a big deal, it was just sex", arguing there was nothing emotional there.....
The problem is that it is still compartmentalizing and it can cause all kinds of problems.
My Story? I started doing bd/sm with pro dommes back when I was in college, I did so originally to do xdressing sessions then later on got heavily into the play aspects of it. I didn't really have the courage to find myself into the 'real world' with it, plus I also got involved in a relationship, a deep one, very young that was vanilla. I kept doing pro sessions on the side (well,I couldn't do them all that often, kind of expensive for someone not making a lot). And yes, it created some distance in my relationship and in many ways it was cheating (more on that in a second).
At one point, I don't remember how, I let my spouse know about my interest, which obviously could have ended things, but somehow it worked (though i am not sure why it didn't wreck the relationship, in one sense I prob got lucky, that my spouse either understood somehow or felt like she had to let me or loose me, I would hope it was the former, not the latter). It could have ended up wrecking a wonderful relationship, and want to know what the most painful part of it for her? That I didn't trust her enough to talk about it (and don't give me too much credit, much of what I realized about what I had done came about later, understanding in a sense I created a no win for her, I thought she just decided it was important to me and went along with it...). The cheating, besides what I was doing, was in not trusting her, not letting her know, not having enough respect to say I think I need to do this and be honest. Relationships are based on trust and honesty, and when you break that it hurts not only the person you are with, but yourself as well because you know you aren't being honest...
The story gets weird, at one point I did a pro session that included strong d/s elements to it, and I was flying so high I kind of dragged my sweetie into it, I gave her this big thing about how important it was to me, that d/s was important, etc (not a great way to do it, nothing heroic or smart about it, not exactly proud of it)....again I got very lucky, because in talking to her something stuck with her, we started playing/exploring and it led into something we both loved/needed. I wish I had tried earlier, but there also were reasons why it may not have taken, long story, back then.My spouse learned we could have a loving relationship and have d/s with it, and play and so forth, that it could be pretty damn hot....(still struggling to figure out how to get that back, not sure where I am heading with a lot of things)...
My advice? If it is important to you, and she is important to you, then you should try and see if you can interest her in it, whatever it is you are into (not into humiliation myself). One of the biggest pieces of advice is use what resources are out there, to show her that this is something perfectly normal, wonderful people do it, that it isn't about real abuse or someone hating the other (especially true with humiliation play) or that subs are people who think nothing of themselves and need to be abused, etc...if it doesn't work out, well, then maybe a)she would be willing to let you play with pro dommes or b)you guys part amicably and you find what you need elsewhere, look for a woman into it. I can tell you it is not unknown for partners to take to this stuff, and in my case, well, I ended up with someone who more then took to it, it was scary:).
I wish you luck, hopefully this helped.
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RE: Is this cheating? AND .. - 
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