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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/4/2012 5:28:10 PM

FoxyStella

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Sorry didn't mean to disappear but I am at work and only have my phone to respond. Will respond tomorrow when I get back home to my computer.

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/4/2012 5:44:58 PM

Kana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FoxyStella

Sorry didn't mean to disappear but I am at work and only have my phone to respond. Will respond tomorrow when I get back home to my computer.

It's all good.
Now that I'm done being a smart ass, the answer for you is that sometimes folks suck. They lie, deceive, lead on and manipulate...and accelerate that process online.
My personal position is that I assume that everyone, and I mean everyone, no exceptions, is fake until I meet em in person...and even then, I watch em close for a while to make sure their actions match their words.
When I interact with someone who I like and sparks fly I try to meet quick-no fucking around, no wasting time.
And if they suddenly have an emergency, Mom dies, they get diagnosed with cancer, get in car accidents, sputnik lands on their house, strange folks write em and say that I'm fake, and they don't show-whatever-I assume their fake too and cut off all communication. (Strange, in many years of nilla dating, not once has an emergency come up to cancel a first date-not once-folks have this irrational desire to make good impressions on folks they like).
Bottom line-you spent $800 to find out the cat wasn't the one for you. All things considered, that's pretty cheap

< Message edited by Kana -- 2/4/2012 5:46:09 PM >

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/4/2012 5:56:34 PM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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Sorry to say... you've hopefully learned some lesons the hard way... perhaps it would be good to get offline... keep the online to a minimum and meet folks face to face first... closer than $800 away... make friends... and then engage with someone?

honestly, I know that situations like yours that start out online do work out... some of them.. but usually people do them a bit differently...

sorry this happened... people are sometimes just jerks... I think $800 isn't bad all around..but if you needed a loan for it.. perhaps it really was a lot...

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/4/2012 5:59:55 PM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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FYI.. a quick search on fetlife on the town you live in reveals a few groups... and I'd guess if you're willing to go to a bigger city in TN you'd find even more.. a little research and you might find someone offline.. better option...

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/4/2012 6:20:51 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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If you're going out of town to meet someone, then you need to be able to afford to go by yourself and take care of yourself. To have a vacation on your own. If you can't afford to go out of town, then don't go. Stick to people within driving distance.

Beyond that, what did you want from him? Did you want him to waste six more months of your time online? Did you want him to say you were soul mates when he felt no chemistry?

You chose to spend money you could not afford, that was your mistake, not his.

Next time tell him to meet you half way. You could both have driven to someplace in Pennsylvania for instance.

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/4/2012 7:58:26 PM

Hillwilliam

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To the OP. You aren't too far from Nashville. There is a good kink scene in Nashville. Google munches there and get out and meet a few folks face to face in a nonthreatening environment. You might be pleasantly surprised.

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 4:21:22 AM

ProlificNeeds

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My all encompassing answer to all things today is: ' The internet is full of wankers.' Just like real life.

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 5:16:31 AM

GreedyTop

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From: Savannah, GA
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LOL PN!

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 5:39:49 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I'm having a difficult time understanding your post and profile. I almost feel like your words head in one direction and then you switch directions. It seems you are sending off mixed messages or maybe the fine line is in the details?

You say you are new to this, your profile was started nearly a year ago, you have been involved with an online dom for two years, you have experienced a lot of fakes and those not serious and you wonder if this lifestyle is worth your trouble and in the next breath are saying it is a mind blowing experience and worth it. What really seals the deal on confusion or mixed messages is that you state you are willing to invest your money in it all and now... are upset that you took out loans for a dead beat you should have known was a dead beat when he simply told you to come and didn't offer any way to prevent you going out on a limb with loans to accomplish that.

I am not here to try to humiliate you, but really, if you are this confusing in print and do confusing things... there is a problem more than a dickhead that led you on.

Could you clear some of this up? Which is it? You are new or have been involved for two years? Had lots of fakes before that two years or recently? You see where and why I might be going there with these questions?

This.

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 8:05:50 AM

Baroana

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It sounds as though he was more wrong than you here. However, certain facts are missing that may make a lot of difference. When you say you were involved for two years online, what does that mean? Was it a deep relationship, or just on again off again chatting? If it was the former, I find it difficult to see how you would go for two years without meeting. Also, as others have said, Skype is a great tool. I think it sheds a huge amount of light on the question of whether someone is or is not your cup of tea physically.

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Post #: 30

RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 9:18:39 AM

JanahX

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I agree Baroana. (about the Skype thing) Thats why my first question to her was = had you done any camming with him?
Now when I ask that - no it doesnt have to be lets get a porn show on, but you and the other person can get real life visuals.

When I read the OPs original story, the very first thing that came to my mind was: He saw her physically, dimensionally, smelled her, perhaps even heard her for the first time - didnt like it, and bailed. Visuals are a HUGE thing.

I always find it extremely interesting when I get contacted for meet and greets and the other person doesnt offer any visuals of themselves before hand. I would actually say that it happens this way more than it doesnt happen. Im not really sure why they would think I am into meeting faceless strangers, unless they have already made it up in their mind that I'm a free hooker and it doesnt matter what they look like.

Its all is very confusing.

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 9:27:04 AM

Baroana

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Yes, photos are essential for several reasons. For one thing, if he gives up a photo then he is far less likely to be some kind of internet predator (unless he sends a fake photo, but you would realize that the second you lay eyes on him in person).

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Post #: 32

RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 9:29:18 AM

sexyred1

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I would never spend 2 years chatting with someone that I never met.

If I speak with someone who lives near me and we don't meet shortly after talking, I am done with them.

I would not even drive too far out of my way to meet a stranger, let alone spend the money the OP did.

Honestly, the things that grown ups do continue to baffle me.

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Post #: 33

RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 9:46:47 AM

Iamsemisweet

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Let's analyze this. You paid $800 to visit a guy you had been talking to for two years. The purpose of your trip was undoubtedly to see if you both were interested in taking the relationship further. He wasn't. You didn't get the results you wanted, but the trip did serve it's purpose, and you got exactly what you paid for. The fact that he handled the matter less than tactfully also provided you with some important information about him. Money well spent, I suppose.

Your bad result has less to do with this being a BDSM thing, than it being an asshole you meet online thing. Which is not to say that some so called Doms don't use their supposed domliness to excuse asshole behavior.

All that being said, if you are 60 years old, and you have to borrow money to go on a short trip to meet someone who doesn't offer to pick up part of the financial burden, I would say you have other aspects of your life that you need to be concentrating on right now. Like how you are going to support yourself when you can't work anymore and why you have self esteem issues.

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Post #: 34

RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 9:57:12 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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Stella, sweetie, you got took b/c you set yourself up as a victim. Stop doing that, by 60 you should know better.

How did you set yourself up? Let me count the ways.

You talked to someone for *2 years* before meeting.

You went to him. Not only did you go to him, you traveled waaay out of your way for him.

You took out loans to pay for your trip.

You (quite obviously) had an established dynamic with someone you had not even met.

All of the above were serious mistakes, as you now know.

How do you know someone you meet online is for real? Here are some pointers:

Beginning communications are info based, not kink based.

The person shows interest in you as a friend.

There is no rush to set up a M/s or D/s relationship.

If the person is local, they want to meet fairly soon (2 weeks to a month) on neutral public territory. This means, not a hotel.

If the person is not local, discussions are made about when and how you will meet. Within a few months (2-3) is ideal. BTW, he comes to you, I don't care if he is a dom or a sub. If he can't, won't or can't afford it, why do you want to be stuck with him?

If he is the dom, *EVERYTHING* about the first meeting should be to build trust and ensure your comfort level.

Even if you are long distance and it takes several months to afford the first meet, you stay FRIENDS ONLY until that first meet. If you don't have a basis to be friends, you're fucked anyway, and not in a good way.

When you first meet, you both agree about what you are going to do if the chemistry is not there. If it's not, you can still spend time together, b/c you have built a friendship.

Some things that help to learn if you have good chemistry before a first meet: camming has been mentioned and I would highly recommend it. Along with lots of phone. Also, have him send you a used t-shirt so you can get his smell. Smell is important, and I would have no problem reciprocating. No, not dirty panties you pervs, I wear t-shirts, too.

Lastly, why specifically a black man? That kind of reverse racism can set you up for all kinds of grief. I know, I am attracted to black men as well. But my partners don't *have* to be black, or white, or whatever color. People are about more than their skin color. By specifically seeking a black dom, you appear highly shallow (to me.)

None of the above was written to humiliate you, but to inform you, since you asked. It's just my opinion, so do as you want with it.

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RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 10:19:54 AM

Baroana

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I infer from the profile that this was a play date the OP went on (a very expensive one). After that, the guy didn't want to continue the relationship. While the guy does seem a bit sleazy and cowardly, it's hard to call him any kind of fraud. It sounds as though she went into this with her eyes open, but for pulling some of her own wool over them.

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Post #: 36

RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 11:56:42 AM

FoxyStella

Posts: 24
Joined: 5/26/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I'm having a difficult time understanding your post and profile. I almost feel like your words head in one direction and then you switch directions. It seems you are sending off mixed messages or maybe the fine line is in the details?

You say you are new to this, your profile was started nearly a year ago, you have been involved with an online dom for two years, you have experienced a lot of fakes and those not serious and you wonder if this lifestyle is worth your trouble and in the next breath are saying it is a mind blowing experience and worth it. What really seals the deal on confusion or mixed messages is that you state you are willing to invest your money in it all and now... are upset that you took out loans for a dead beat you should have known was a dead beat when he simply told you to come and didn't offer any way to prevent you going out on a limb with loans to accomplish that.

I am not here to try to humiliate you, but really, if you are this confusing in print and do confusing things... there is a problem more than a dickhead that led you on.

Could you clear some of this up? Which is it? You are new or have been involved for two years? Had lots of fakes before that two years or recently? You see where and why I might be going there with these questions?

Let me see if I can clear up some things. My initial statement as to "I'm new to this" meant that I am new to a forum type discussion and don't really know how it works technically. That said, I am also new to this lifestyle. I discovered the lifestyle in October of 2010. I had a Dom for 2 short months at that time, before I really had a good understanding of what the lifestyle entails. So, my real/time experience has been very limited. I had originally been just an online friend with the gentleman that I went to see in NJ. He gave me advice as I was going along and actually was the one who pointed me in the direction of CollarMe as a resource. We grew closer as our contacts became more frequent. We discovered many mutual interests and things just kind of grew from there. The interest as something other than friends grew during the last 6 months.

Anyway, it is what it is. I am searching for a Dom who is willing and patient enough to lead me through this lifestyle. I have gotten so much input and advice. Some of it not very kind, but then it was a stupid thing for me to do and an even more stupid thing to ever post. I don't blame him for not wanting the relationship. But I do blame him for knowing that before I made the trip. He just wanted to see if I was stupid enough to actually make the effort, I guess. It was venting more so than anything else.

Don't know if that clears it up for you or not......I hope so. I am earnestly wanting this type of relationship. I just have to be wiser in the future with whatever comes up.........thanks for your input

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Post #: 37

RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 12:03:05 PM

Baroana

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What makes you think that he knew he did not want a relationship with you before you met?

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Post #: 38

RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 12:08:28 PM

FoxyStella

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He stated in his text to me that now that I had made the trip that I could have "closure". He has stated to others that he never believed that I would make the trip. I don't know........and will probably never know. That's what bothers me more than anything......

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Post #: 39

RE: Need a Master's advice...... - 2/5/2012 12:10:34 PM

FoxyStella

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No, we didn't cam but we both had very current pictures of ourselves and he was just like his picture, as I was. No problem with someone not being what they purported to be physically.....

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