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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

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ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf

Have you taken some responsibility on your side. With this statement it really sends off some alarms to me. You only knew each other online, but you were ready to get married and commit your life to him. Do you realize the odds against that being successful? Not to mention it also seems that you created something about him, that was likely fed by a need you have.

Learn from your mistakes, and improve your choices in the future. The first part is being accountable for your portion of it.

Somewhere between your perception of things, and his perception of things, will be the truth. It is a fact of the world.

I am also wondering if you felt this way from online interaction, if you blinded yourself and ignored certain things that would have indicated to you that maybe he was not as interested as you thought. We are all human and our emotions and subconscious tend to skew our perceptions of things.

A fabulous post. The parts I bolded are thoughts that entered my head constantly through reading this thread.

I think this mode of communication had caused many people quite a lot of heart ache. It is easy to assume too much and get caught up in the person that their words, and our assumptions, create.

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ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

You're doing great, Foxy. Stick with it.

Remember what Kierkegaard said, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

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ORIGINAL: FoxyStella
So true, a lot of heartache here. And as we all know, hindsight is 20/20 and there were signs that I either consciously or sub-consciously deleted from my thought process. I see them clearly now as I examine the relationship as I try to learn more about myself and my interactions with others online.......

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ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf

Good for you! We all make mistakes, and admitting them is the first step in preventing them from happening in the future. Just as LaT touched on, in this medium many people tend to create in their minds things that may not be actual reality. This is why I suggest to most that you give it extra examination, above what you may a face to face.

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ORIGINAL: FoxyStella
So true, a lot of heartache here. And as we all know, hindsight is 20/20 and there were signs that I either consciously or sub-consciously deleted from my thought process. I see them clearly now as I examine the relationship as I try to learn more about myself and my interactions with others online.......

[/qu
ote] thank you wolf. Live and learn

(in reply to OrionTheWolf)

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ORIGINAL: FoxyStella

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ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

You're doing great, Foxy. Stick with it.

Remember what Kierkegaard said, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

Thanks, Dusky, great quote to add to my collection. I have actually taped the hotel's keycard from my trip to the front of my computer as a reminder. That quote went right next to it......Once again, your advice has been a treasure, Thank you.......

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ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Stella, sweetie, you got took b/c you set yourself up as a victim. Stop doing that, by 60 you should know better.

How did you set yourself up? Let me count the ways.

You talked to someone for *2 years* before meeting.

You went to him. Not only did you go to him, you traveled waaay out of your way for him.

You took out loans to pay for your trip.

You (quite obviously) had an established dynamic with someone you had not even met.

All of the above were serious mistakes, as you now know.

---

How do you know someone you meet online is for real? Here are some pointers:

Beginning communications are info based, not kink based.

The person shows interest in you as a friend.

There is no rush to set up a M/s or D/s relationship.

If the person is local, they want to meet fairly soon (2 weeks to a month) on neutral public territory. This means, not a hotel.

If the person is not local, discussions are made about when and how you will meet. Within a few months (2-3) is ideal. BTW, he comes to you, I don't care if he is a dom or a sub. If he can't, won't or can't afford it, why do you want to be stuck with him?

If he is the dom, *EVERYTHING* about the first meeting should be to build trust and ensure your comfort level.

Even if you are long distance and it takes several months to afford the first meet, you stay FRIENDS ONLY until that first meet. If you don't have a basis to be friends, you're fucked anyway, and not in a good way.

When you first meet, you both agree about what you are going to do if the chemistry is not there. If it's not, you can still spend time together, b/c you have built a friendship.

Some things that help to learn if you have good chemistry before a first meet: camming has been mentioned and I would highly recommend it. Along with lots of phone. Also, have him send you a used t-shirt so you can get his smell. Smell is important, and I would have no problem reciprocating. No, not dirty panties you pervs, I wear t-shirts, too.

Lastly, why specifically a black man? That kind of reverse racism can set you up for all kinds of grief. I know, I am attracted to black men as well. But my partners don't *have* to be black, or white, or whatever color. People are about more than their skin color. By specifically seeking a black dom, you appear highly shallow (to me.)

None of the above was written to humiliate you, but to inform you, since you asked. It's just my opinion, so do as you want with it.

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ORIGINAL: MistrixMsE

My 2 cents... meet half way, on neutral ground in the future should you go that route again. That way everyone is equally invested, and it encourages both parties to at least spend enough time to establish chemistry or connection in person one way or the other before its over. Plan for separate rooms should you do that though.. so if it seems wrong/is a bad fit, you do have somewhere to escape to.

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ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

Stella: You had several red flags with this guy that you either ignored or did not recognize. 1: It is totally foolish to talk with someone 2 years without meeting. That is a real waste of time. I think it is totally foolish for anyone to stay on line for more than one or 2 chats before moving to the phone, but that is me. A man who is interested will want to talk with you, and often, and that might include time on cam with nothing sexual. If anyone wants sexual things on cam, RUN. 2. I really believe a man who is dominant will come to you. He will spend the money and the time. I am sure others will disagree. My husband and dominant was in Canada, and I am in the Midwest, and he did not have a lot of bucks, but after 2 weeks of talking daily, he arranged to fly to meet me. After that, he flew here about every other month. I think too many subs are too eager, and that gives the wrong message. I think the larger issue is that when you are new, you fall for a lot of garbage - I did too. I would be the last person to say "Go local". But I would also be the first person to say you should not put yourself in debt to meet anyone. If he is truly interested, the financing of a trip is something HE should be in control of. I would totally question what this man is about - certainly not dominance. I think you need to determine for yourself what you think a dominant is, and what you think being a sub is. This guy was a jerk. There are all kinds of hype and fakes out there.

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ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss

Stella - I just sent you a note on the other side.  Please check on it.  :)
sunshine

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ORIGINAL: SirWforkitten

At the risk of being censored, these types of  doms fuckin piss me off.  No where does it stipulate that a sub must finance a trip to see him.  For what it's worth, I consider he should of either financed your trip or at the very least gone half of it all.  I do have a hard time wrapping my head around the whole two years part. He never once attempted to fly himself to see you?.  I would not dream of my kitten flying by herself at the beginning into the unknown. I made the first foray and away we went from there. Protection of a sub or even a prospective sub should be first and foremost on a dom's mind. I believe this man forgot to Man up as you will. 

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ORIGINAL: SirWforkitten
  I would not dream of my kitten flying by herself at the beginning into the unknown.