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ORIGINAL: lizi

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ORIGINAL: pghays04

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Can I ask you something? Are you saying here in your various postings on this thread that you're apprehensive in getting out into the dating world again because you hated feeling back then like you were supposed to be something you weren't? That these women were telling you with the quizzes and articles that you 'should' be a certain way and you knew that it wasn't for you; you didn't like it that they didn't accept you for yourself and in fact wanted you to be different? That you should change to suit their idea of what they wanted? If so, that's entirely different from where I thought you were going with your first post. I would appreciate knowing if what i just wrote here is more of what you were aiming for...

I should have had you write the op for me.

Lol, something about how you were sticking around on the thread after seeing how the responses were going told me you weren't as clueless as it seemed. Most of the 'one true way' people post and run never to come back.

Ok, so let's change things up then.
If I were you, I'd think long and hard about what you want in a partner at this stage of things. Sounds like a given, but it gives you a road map to get to where you want to be. For myself, I set out the qualities that I was looking for and went forth to find them. It was mentioned by several people that the common denominator in your past experiences was you - that's something to think about. You chose those women, your age might have had something to do with it, or there was something about them that appealed to you at the time, but you are in control of who you are with- make sure it's someone who would find the idea of wanting you to change to fit an ideal or something that you are not to be repulsive.

You are who you are, make sure it's out there, and search out people who like what they see when they look at you. It's more a question of finding the right fit then a question of if all women want to change their men to be something different like putting clothes on a doll. Look for a woman with emotional depth and richness, someone who has a basic understanding about accepting others for who they are, and who wants someone with the qualities that you have to offer. So much of the time what we say on these forums comes down to the right match of people and being true to yourself...I have to say this thread isn't any different from the standard fare, lol.

I's also like to say, whenever I see results of the quizzy things posted on the profiles/journals on the other side it makes me want to hurl. Just as many men as women post those things too btw...
The quizzes and song lyrics, bleah I mean find something original to say about yourself.

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ORIGINAL: pghays04

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If you want to partner with someone else, then you're going to need to consider what the word "partner" means. I don't think there is a right or wrong here, but I DO think there's an element of "pick a square".

Looks like we figured it out. I am more looking for a companion than a partner.

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ORIGINAL: pghays04
Looks like we figured it out. I am more looking for a companion than a partner.

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ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

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ORIGINAL: pghays04

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If you want to partner with someone else, then you're going to need to consider what the word "partner" means. I don't think there is a right or wrong here, but I DO think there's an element of "pick a square".

Looks like we figured it out. I am more looking for a companion than a partner.

I'm not sure I'd even go that far... a fuckbuddy? A long term date? A fair weather friend?

I am everyone's go to person. There are days when I think that if one more person says "Hib, you're a rock" I am going to scream. I still have my own issues, thoughts, problems, stresses, and mostly I keep them to myself, SO I DON'T BOTHER PEOPLE.

I am reasonably certain that it's NOT a good thing. My close friends know how to read me, and know that if I say I'm having a bad day, chances are a catastrophe is happening on the home front, and they are appropriately supportive. Still, it's not easy for me to talk about my real worries, and mostly I don't. It is MUCH easier to listen to other people and... be that rock.

It's been a long time since I've been in a "serious" relationship, I work hard to avoid them most of the time. I have been...let's say "disappointed"... a few tmes, and I'm not motivated to take more risks. The thing is, the men actually worth staying with are the ones that first of all NOTICE when something is wrong, and then want to actually help, even if it's in that loopy guy way that really isn't super useful.

Just for the record, I stopped reading Cosmo somewhere around age 13...

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ORIGINAL: pghays04
Is it perceived differently because I am a man?

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ORIGINAL: pghays04

I thought I had gotten around to saying the same (after accidentally offending all the women here) thing about myself. I really don't like to bother people with my problems either. Is it perceived differently because I am a man?

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ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

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ORIGINAL: pghays04

I thought I had gotten around to saying the same (after accidentally offending all the women here) thing about myself. I really don't like to bother people with my problems either. Is it perceived differently because I am a man?

I don't think it's a gender thing, really, but since I don't know you, I honestly can't say. I can be in complete crisis mode, and still force the appearance of being my normal self. Do you get all reclusive and "don't talk to me"? That sort of thing is off putting, and for a person that is seeking intimacy, can be downright hurtful.

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ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I think that smiling pretty and getting the job done while you are having a meltdown is pretty much standard issue Chick Thing for my generation. Many many many people are very wrapped up in their own stuff, and are willing to take the shiny at face value. That's one of the ways I distinguish between who my friends are, and who those folks who just like to hang out with me are... my friends NOTICE.

It's very easy to be taken advantage of when you're the rock. Everyone comes to you. Do you ever feel that way? And because you feel that way, avoid making others feel it?

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ORIGINAL: pghays04

Hay Jeff,
They are always trying to get you to be "softer" and "share your feelings" and "it's OK to cry when you're hurt" general nonsense like that.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

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ORIGINAL: pghays04

Hay Jeff,
They are always trying to get you to be "softer" and "share your feelings" and "it's OK to cry when you're hurt" general nonsense like that.

If you have your emotions blocked, then you have no empathy. Without empathy, you aren't safe to be with. Because you won't realize when she needs a hug, when the pain you're inflicting is too great, and when she needs your help.

Basically, having closed off half of yourself, you are only half a fully actualized person. Which means that a healthy, fully actualized woman will not be attracted to you.

You could find someone with a shitload of undealt with baggage that is equal to your own. But two unhealthy halves do not make two healthy wholes.

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ORIGINAL: littlewonder
It's the biggest thing that attracted me to Master...he shares himself with me, he talks to me, he shares himself, he shows me his sadness, anger, compassion, happiness and joy. I like that he's a well rounded man.

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

FR

This is all I have time to write at the moment....gotta get ready for work and take care of animals but I did want to toss something in lest I forget in a hectic day.

OP first and foremost, kudos to you for sticking around and clarifying yourself. AND, not getting your boxers bunched in doing so. Big giant kudos for that! I sincerely expected this thread to turn into a 'one true way' train wreck or fade away because the OP never returned.

In reading LadyHib's words on this thread, I know for a fact we are twins from another mother (and probably father also since mine never traveled much and I do resemble him too much to not be his biologically...). Seriously, I could have written every thought she put on this thread. There came a time in my life very very early on, in my teens, when I learned self sufficiency and every relationship I've had since, only emphasized it. I've never ever had a 'rock' other than myself and my personal vision of faith. I don't go running to anyone with my problems and rarely even discuss them.

I don't know if the above is a bad thing or not but OP, I do believe that it takes a very special type of person for people like us. Most prefer us to be 'okay' and not in need of anyone during our own times of weakness and need. We've learned that from our experiences with others so we just cope alone. I am nearly 50 and have yet to know a person strong enough, and willing, to trust in that capacity. I hope you find exactly what you really need. Not what you believe you need.

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ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

FR

This is all I have time to write at the moment....gotta get ready for work and take care of animals but I did want to toss something in lest I forget in a hectic day.

OP first and foremost, kudos to you for sticking around and clarifying yourself. AND, not getting your boxers bunched in doing so. Big giant kudos for that! I sincerely expected this thread to turn into a 'one true way' train wreck or fade away because the OP never returned.

In reading LadyHib's words on this thread, I know for a fact we are twins from another mother (and probably father also since mine never traveled much and I do resemble him too much to not be his biologically...). Seriously, I could have written every thought she put on this thread. There came a time in my life very very early on, in my teens, when I learned self sufficiency and every relationship I've had since, only emphasized it. I've never ever had a 'rock' other than myself and my personal vision of faith. I don't go running to anyone with my problems and rarely even discuss them.

I don't know if the above is a bad thing or not but OP, I do believe that it takes a very special type of person for people like us. Most prefer us to be 'okay' and not in need of anyone during our own times of weakness and need. We've learned that from our experiences with others so we just cope alone. I am nearly 50 and have yet to know a person strong enough, and willing, to trust in that capacity. I hope you find exactly what you really need. Not what you believe you need.

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ORIGINAL: pghays04
Seriously though, how do you manage to be safe to be with when you have no empathy, like me (according to some posts). How do you tell a prospective sub that you aren't big on sharing your fears and worries? The general consensus seems to be that a person like me is less than whole. Do you feel that you are less because of your lack of need to share?

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ORIGINAL: pghays04

Seriously though, how do you manage to be safe to be with when you have no empathy, like me (according to some posts). How do you tell a prospective sub that you aren't big on sharing your fears and worries? The general consensus seems to be that a person like me is less than whole. Do you feel that you are less because of your lack of need to share?