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What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 7:43:29 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline 		What is an experienced sub to do?

I am going to post this in the OFF TOPIC area. I guess is could go in the main forum as it is a legit question. But it’s a partial rant also because I had setup a 3 day weekend get away with a Domme with the agreement that 1 of the 3 days I would be kept in bondage the whole day. After arranging a stay at a high end B&B (non BDSM) for around $3000. I book the rooms, order flowers, order the wine. Then I called to finalize the plans. She proceeds to tell me all the things she wants us to do and has planned. And surprise, she changed her mind about the bondage and would rather spend the day sailing. I was so ticked. 6 weeks of planning down the drain. One Steiff teddy bear from Germany for nothing. Grrr!

Okay rant is over with back to the topic. Let me give a little background on me without giving you years of details. I have been into BDSM since I was about 23 years old. In that time I have help start 2 Pro Dungeons, I was married to a beautiful Domme of my dreams for 14 years until she passed away from cancer.

After my wife passed away I refocused my energies on my work life. My work is a rewarding career. I had the opportunity to travel as the company needed someone who was free to travel. No, not as a high flying business man. Think more of as a glorified mechanic. A mechanic that can diagnose and fix highly complex machinery. This talent earned me a global ticket to the world. I still travel for the company globally. But as time goes by my BDSM stirrings have come back.

As a side job I also build wooden and steel dungeon furniture. This is one of my hobbies to relax. I enjoy creating the drawings, buying the materials, cutting the wood/steel and creating a piece of art. I have a full dungeon in my basement that any ProDomme would truly drool for. I remember one of the Dommes in the forums writing she would never date a sub who bought a toy for her to use on him without asking her first. She we die of a heart attack if she walked into my place LOL

I have no problem serving. I do it well. When I was married I did the laundry, cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, cooked dinner, took out the garbage all without having to be told to do these things. I did them not really because I was submissive. I was raised to keep a tidy house and I guess the carried over into my adult life. The serving portion was just adding small details to the things I normally did every day. In my mind that came very easily. Not sure why some think it is such a choir to serve. The point here is that I think I could easily meet a Domme’s need for a service sub.

After 25+ years in BDSM I have wants and needs too. I do not consider myself a masochist but on the other hand I have an extreme high endurance level (no I do not mean sex). I am a larger person and can take quite a lot. I have not done everything but I have done a lot. Not going into details here. Lets just say 4 hours to me is a warm up. 6 to 8 hours is a good workout. 12 to 18 is a very good night. I am into more than mummification. So I am not just meaning a mummification scene. I can go the distance on an X-frame or other toys as well.

Here is my question. How the hell does a very experienced submissive find a Domme who can play at his level? You need to read above (not just the bold) to understand what I mean by level.

Before you tell me to attend a munch please look where I live. I am in Cincinnati. And if you have never been here its the most anti BDSM city in the US. You cannot even find a ProDomme in this area that has half my experience. Seriously….where do you go and look to find a Domme that fits this bill?

Okay fire away. Anyone is free to respond as always. But I am interested in responses from people who are more experience and can understand my predicament.




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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 8:07:37 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Mummy...I know this doesn't answer your original question but don't shoot me...would it be worth considering adding an extra day to your weekend so you could get your bondage and she could get her sailing?


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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 8:10:14 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Um. Chicago? Atlanta?

Isnt this the same old issue of making connections? I know plenty of folks who are heavy players--that doesnt make a bit of difference if they're not interested or vice-versa.

(Speaking of Cinti, do you know that venom2u dude?)

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 8:21:10 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Wow...$3000 on someone you've never met face to face????

Maybe you might wanna slow down next time and meet them face to face first, even if it just for play???

I'm kinda surprised by you. You've been around these forums long enough to have heard this over and over and over again.


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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 8:22:29 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

Mummy...I know this doesn't answer your original question but don't shoot me...would it be worth considering adding an extra day to your weekend so you could get your bondage and she could get her sailing?



MistressDarkArt,
*smile*.......I would never shoot you. That was why we added a 3rd day to the weekend getaway to start with. Not enough time to fit it all in. If the answer were only that simple. No her reasoning way 2 to 3 hours of bondage in the evening would be enough. At that point I knew it was not going to happen.

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 8:27:35 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Um. Chicago? Atlanta?

Isnt this the same old issue of making connections? I know plenty of folks who are heavy players--that doesnt make a bit of difference if they're not interested or vice-versa.

(Speaking of Cinti, do you know that venom2u dude?)


HI Hibbie,
Atlanta and Chitown are good places. New York is an option too. Hell even Detroit. But was sort of hoping for closer to home. Getting back into the ProDungeon arena is a possibility. I just am not sure at this point if I want to do that again.

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 8:28:28 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I confess the scenario baffles me, Mummyman. There is no local scene that doesnt have issues but what about Indy, ST Louis, Columbus? Make friends first spend money later?

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 8:39:54 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Wow...$3000 on someone you've never met face to face????

Maybe you might wanna slow down next time and meet them face to face first, even if it just for play???

I'm kinda surprised by you. You've been around these forums long enough to have heard this over and over and over again.


littlewonder,
This was not a fast decision. I had talked to the Domme in question for about 9 months. We had simlar interests. We did talk on the phone. Planning of the weekend getaway was over the past 6 weeks for a weekend in June. So this was not a rush. The money is really not an issue. I have been know to drive 6 hours just to meet a person for lunch :). I can be a bit eccentric sometimes.

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 8:50:55 PM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		Mummy, I like you so answering this question is going to be a little hard without my sounding a little brutal......The fact is Cinci really isn't anti bdsm so much as it is very pro tng. It can make it harder for someone a little older to find what they are really looking for when the younger set just seems to want to play games. Having said that the how to of finding someone that can play on your "level" is going to be harder and the only thing I can really suggest is to screen a little more carefully in the future. Make sure the person is up to what it is you are looking for. Make sure that there is an understanding that you also have needs and if they are not met you are really not interested and will cancel all arrangements. You might also have to face that fact that at some point you may have to settle for someone that doesn't have the experience you do. That you might have to help them learn (sucks but it works that way sometime) to feed your need while they figure out how to meet their own.

Or......

If you would like a little more childish answer....

You could always come to Kansas. I am more than willing to tie you to a tree and flog the feeling out of you for a day or two.

*oh* and I won't rape your wallet anywhere near the level that this person did


*edit* because...ermm..was thinking about something and forgot how to spell.

< Message edited by MissImmortalPain -- 5/6/2012 8:51:44 PM >

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 8:57:33 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
I confess the scenario baffles me, Mummyman. There is no local scene that doesnt have issues but what about Indy, ST Louis, Columbus? Make friends first spend money later?


Columbus and Indy are the 2 closest place with a decent scene. It just means I need to attend events in those areas. The problem is timing. Trying to be in town when the events occur. I do agree that making friends first is a good choice. But the money is not an issue. I generally would not spend that much the first time around. It must be that Full Moon because I could really howl right now :)

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 9:09:10 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain

Mummy, I like you so answering this question is going to be a little hard without my sounding a little brutal......The fact is Cinci really isn't anti bdsm so much as it is very pro tng. It can make it harder for someone a little older to find what they are really looking for when the younger set just seems to want to play games. Having said that the how to of finding someone that can play on your "level" is going to be harder and the only thing I can really suggest is to screen a little more carefully in the future. Make sure the person is up to what it is you are looking for. Make sure that there is an understanding that you also have needs and if they are not met you are really not interested and will cancel all arrangements. You might also have to face that fact that at some point you may have to settle for someone that doesn't have the experience you do. That you might have to help them learn (sucks but it works that way sometime) to feed your need while they figure out how to meet their own.

Or......

If you would like a little more childish answer....

You could always come to Kansas. I am more than willing to tie you to a tree and flog the feeling out of you for a day or two.

*oh* and I won't rape your wallet anywhere near the level that this person did


*edit* because...ermm..was thinking about something and forgot how to spell.


MIP,
Brutal or not give it to me LOL.

Have you ever been to Cincinnati? You cannot even buy a Playboy magazine in Hamilton County. We cannot even get porn here!

Generally I do very well at pre-screening. I have been around the block more than once. Usually I do meet the person in person first. I made the exception this time becasue I have spend most of March, April and May in Poland and Germany. The timing of the weekend getaway is early June. So it just did not leave time for a premeet. I know...I know.

Just to be clear, my wallet did not get raped. I am only out the deposit money. Mental energy is a whole other story :(



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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 9:11:30 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		Mummyman...
no pun intended...I feel your pain. I lost my Domme (also of 14 years) to divorce but the dilemma I faced after was similar. I had never had trouble finding partners/playmates before, but now as middle aged straight man...I was lost! Life was really pretty easy as a cute, young boi in comparison.

For me, I had to be a bit more ...let;s call it open minded...and that meant (for me) considering play with people that I had previously never thought about as partners. As it turned out, I met a really great Dom (he's a switch, and subs to his own Domme)--we have a friendship and the play is totally hot---it "scratches" that itch, if you will, and even though he is not as experienced as I am, we have plenty of fun and both enjoy it. It's not the same as a romantic BDSM relationship, but we have a great time and we both get something out of it.

I'm not giving up on finding "the one" but until that happens, I found a solution that was at first, a bit outside my comfort zone.


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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 9:20:53 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Mumm, another thing just for future reference. What if you actually met this person in the flesh after traveling and spending all that money and went...'ummm, no chemistry?' I've had that happen...phone calls went fine, pictures, the whole nine...and when we were face to face, I knew it wasn't going to happen in a million years. That's why I NEVER agree to play on a first meet. There's just no guarantee of chemistry in person.

I feel your pain, really I do. You tried to make it very nice for her, and you were looking forward to a grand time being had by all. But until you've actually met someone, maybe not so ambitious?


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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 9:27:30 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline 		hausboy,
I can really relate to that. I am open minded. In that context I do enjoy teaching. I do occasionally tutor some Dommes and switches who want to learn various techniques. I have the space and equipment so that does help certainly help scratch that itch :) I cannot go the male way though. Still a hard limit for me.

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 9:35:56 PM   
hausboy


Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

hausboy,
I can really relate to that. I am open minded. In that context I do enjoy teaching. I do occasionally tutor some Dommes and switches who want to learn various techniques. I have the space and equipment so that does help certainly help scratch that itch :) I cannot go the male way though. Still a hard limit for me.


I'm only chuckling because it used to be a hard limit for me as well...and certainly certain activities with men are still hard limits... but it was a LOT easier to find a male Dom to engage in certain types of play as opposed to female Dommes...although I have found some thru Club Fem.

Dont give up mummyman, you've got a lot to offer! I know you'll find someone special

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 9:43:45 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		No advice here, but I am glad you shared a bit of yourself with us. I enjoy your posts and now I feel I know a bit more about you.

Oh and don't shoot Me either for not having an answer. :)

< Message edited by TNDommeK -- 5/6/2012 9:44:00 PM >

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 9:45:01 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline 		Mistress DA,
I do agree there is risk there. This time I was willing to accept that risk. You just made me think. We never exchanged pictures. We both have are profile photos though. I was fully willing to accept the risk of meeting someone and there being no chemistry. This might be hard for some to understand but if that did occur, and I did get spend a weekend with the Domme and get to talk about the lifestyle, I would have been okay with that.

I generally do meet the person in person first. Typically I like to setup a lunch or dinner date. I really do. So I only have myself to blame. Though I am not sure if that would have helped. We had talked alot. And I do mean a lot. I guess looking at a person in the face and in their eyes, there just is not substitute for that.

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 10:00:34 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

venom2u


Hibbie,
I forgot to answer your question. No I do not know the person.

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 11:09:00 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321



I generally do meet the person in person first. Typically I like to setup a lunch or dinner date. I really do. So I only have myself to blame. Though I am not sure if that would have helped. We had talked alot. And I do mean a lot. I guess looking at a person in the face and in their eyes, there just is not substitute for that.


Ehh, don't blame yourself. Wanting to connect is human. Adding our 'drive' to the picture, any one of us might elect to skip a preliminary and hope for the best.

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RE: What is an experienced sub to do? - 5/6/2012 11:37:17 PM   
MissToYouRedux


Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mummyman321

... I was fully willing to accept the risk of meeting someone and there being no chemistry. This might be hard for some to understand but if that did occur, and I did get spend a weekend with the Domme and get to talk about the lifestyle, I would have been okay with that.
...


Um, no you really wouldn't have, would you? It all fell apart because she didn't want to spend one-third of her time with you (or vacation time, if you prefer) having you in bondage. ("1 of the 3 days I would be kept in bondage the whole day"). Two hours into that day she could have just as easily decided she was bored, released you from the bondage, and then what would have been your response?

As disappointing as it was, I personally see it as incompatibility, not necessarily a Domme who can't play at your level. Won't isn't necessarily the same as can't.

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