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RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/9/2012 12:08:25 PM   
fallenintoshadow


Posts: 13
Joined: 7/24/2012
Status: offline 		I need to sleep on all of this. ..and... I think I need to eliminate several prospects.

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RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/9/2012 12:21:57 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

I think a lot of my sense of self come from creative and artistic outlets... maybe it's those that I am most worried about losing.


Heh, I lost those after I had a kid.



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RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/9/2012 12:28:22 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

My answer to this question would be... "huh? erase/replace what? You've been reading too much BDSM on the internet. How about if you and I decide if we even like each other before we get into discussions of psychic surgery?"




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RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/9/2012 12:38:00 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I never understand this kind of thing. If I wanted someone to lose their identity, why in the hell did I collar that particular person in the first place?


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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/9/2012 12:49:53 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Using FR, as I've had some time to think about this.

As much as my dom side is dom, my sub side is downright slavey. Which means, yes, I would and could absolutely live for another. The question is, should I? Would I be happy?

Probably not. In theory (fantasy) I'd love it. The reality of it means I'd get pissy pretty darned quick. Which is why I am with someone who isn't interested in me living for him, and in fact wouldn't allow it.

There are ways I *have* lost myself for him, that it, that I have altered myself and who I am for him. For instance, I operate on a much more even emotional keel, and not just b/c he anchors me, but b/c he demands it. Not in a nasty way, he's a sweet guy. But he expects nothing less from me. High drama is just not something he is going to deal with (unless it's for fun).

I know if I want to keep him wanting to be around me, I have to tone those overly emotional responses down a few notches. And you know what? I'm much happier now. Being that emotional is very draining. This may seem very conforming to some, but to me it's actually freeing, though if I had to explain why and how, I couldn't. I just know I am a better version of me.



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RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/9/2012 12:56:12 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

Or you could find yourself in a world of structure.
Everyone worries about the one, but more often than not, for a certain type of submissive, they flower and blossom when in a tightly controlled TPE.
They find an identity and a concrete role, they find a place of certainty where they know exactly what is expected of them, where they stand, their relationship with their SO is clearly defined and delineated and they have accountability and boundaries in their life.


So very true. I feel more like myself being Master's slave than I think I ever have. I never felt whole or complete before that. There was always something missing which is what Master mentioned above. I feel more comfortable, more secure in this type of life. I'm happier now than ever before because I don't have to worry about being an "individual". I just have to worry about being his slave.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/9/2012 11:14:01 PM   
onceshattered


Posts: 117
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline 		FR

I'm not sure if this will help answer your question, but I recently asked the very same question and here's the answer I got, paraphrased of course. I could relate to this explanation but there's no telling if you will.. so I'm just going to give it a whirl.

You're worried about losing "Yourself." Well for a moment, picture yourself as 100 different pieces. Each one of those pieces is perhaps one thing that you enjoy, one hobby, one aspect of your personality. Now, before you submit yourself to a Master, you prioritize each one of those pieces from least important to important. We'll use knitting as an example. You love to knit. (don't know if you do.. it's an benign example and easy to follow). Yes! You absolutely LOOOOOVE to knit! So it's at the top of that metaphorical list.

Now... let's say that you commit to a Master. He owns you, you are his. He will mold you and change you to suit his pleasure. He will take that LIST and change the priorities of each piece. Maybe he has absolutely no use for your knitting. So he lowers the priority down the list. Maybe something way down on the bottom of your list reaaally gets his blood flowing. He will raise that piece higher on the list. You might even pick up new pieces and replace some of your old ones. And you will love it. Why? Because he is your Master and you know that that single piece of you that was marked 100 is absolutely amazing to him! Because you know this, you have less time for your knitting because you want to please him and that 100th piece will please him better than your Knitting piece.

Okay.. I hope that made some sense. You see... you will still be YOU. You will just a be more exquisite version in His eyes. The metaphor really resonated with me....it was an idea I could grasp onto and understand.

My little disclaimer:
I do not claim to be a slave. I have soooo much to learn. This is merely an explanation that was given to me and it helped me to understand. This could totally all be BS. But I got the explanation from a Dominant that I deeply respect who helped me see that sometimes I'm just a silly little [insert preferred word here].

Best wishes,

OS

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 4:04:15 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I just have two things to say.

1. You're concerned about the M/s relationship. I haven't heard of many relationships that start off M/s. I've heard of D/s ones that deepen over time to M/s. That makes more sense to me.
2. You're thinking of what you'll be losing. But not what being owned will give you. Which I consider healthy. To me, becoming infatuated with the idea of a relationship, without knowing who will be the one you have the relationship with, is immature.

You're experiencing normal doubts. You owe it to yourself to find the person who you trust.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to onceshattered)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 5:25:18 AM   
fallenintoshadow


Posts: 13
Joined: 7/24/2012
Status: offline 		DarkSteven, onceshattered, littlewonder, thank you all for chiming in!

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 6:51:09 AM   
peg4black


Posts: 1
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline 		I believe there is a big difference between being a submissive and being a slave. Submissve is something that comes naturally and part of one's make up but once you becoming a slave, meaning now another owns you and has thought you worthy of the title, you should be prepared to give up your invidual status and become the thing that Your owners wants you to be, whether your ownder permits you to maintain certain characteristics and molds you into total new human property is always up to the Owner.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 7:00:34 AM   
JhonP


Posts: 83
Joined: 7/5/2012
Status: offline

Be careful



< Message edited by JhonP -- 8/10/2012 7:03:32 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 7:02:32 AM   
teachme19774


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/23/2012
Status: offline 		OS
That is the best explanation of a M/s relationship that I have yet seen. I am very new to all this as well and the word slave scares me into being a silly little (insert word) :) also.

I love the analogy of the hundredth puzzle piece being the one that he loves and that you are still YOU just a more exquisite you. Maybe I am romantasing the whole concept. However I think if I was to find the right Dom that is exactly how I envisage the relationship to develop.

I also agree with a comment below in that M/s relationships develop over time and grows from a D/s relationship. One could not possibly hope to be enslaved without first having taken the time to grow to love, respect, trust and adore their Dom and vice versa.


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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 7:04:28 AM   
JhonP


Posts: 83
Joined: 7/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

This may seem very conforming to some, but to me it's actually freeing,


Perhaps, just perhaps, a remote clue has befallen you.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 7:12:09 AM   
teachme19774


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/23/2012
Status: offline 		Carol is a lucky girl. Exceptionally well said.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 10:00:58 AM   
onceshattered


Posts: 117
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: teachme19774

OS
That is the best explanation of a M/s relationship that I have yet seen. I am very new to all this as well and the word slave scares me into being a silly little (insert word) :) also.

I love the analogy of the hundredth puzzle piece being the one that he loves and that you are still YOU just a more exquisite you. Maybe I am romantasing the whole concept. However I think if I was to find the right Dom that is exactly how I envisage the relationship to develop.

I also agree with a comment below in that M/s relationships develop over time and grows from a D/s relationship. One could not possibly hope to be enslaved without first having taken the time to grow to love, respect, trust and adore their Dom and vice versa.





I also side with the team that believes that M/s evolves and develop over time. I'm not trying to romanticize the idea at all. I know that it is hard work... I also know that there is so much I don't know and therefore at this time I couldn't possibly consider this level of dynamic. I will say that being faced with the intensity of a Master who "owns his role" (for lack of a better term), I get addicted to it. I get so addicted that I'll crave to be what he needs even though I do not yet have that capacity to do so properly. You might find a Master who will bring out things in yourself that you didn't even know were there, Things that scare you, things that seem ridiculous. Dark depraved cravings or fluffy pink girly tendencies... it doesn't matter. The strength that a slave has in this context is amazing, admirable, enviable even because she has to be willing to give up her fears to that Master so that he may take her where ever he wishes to go. This can be frightening beyond all belief. It's not easy to move past a fear. But when you do... you'll find yourself flying. Possibly find yourself more free.. more YOU... than you ever have been before.

romantic notions? maybe... scarey as hell? absolutely. I'm in the same boat as the OP and these are things that I have "felt" along my journey.

(in reply to teachme19774)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 10:19:55 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JhonP

quote:

This may seem very conforming to some, but to me it's actually freeing,


Perhaps, just perhaps, a remote clue has befallen you.



I certainly hope so and I *DO* appreciate the compliment.



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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 12:22:59 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: teachme19774
Carol is a lucky girl. Exceptionally well said.

Aw thanks. She certainly agrees. I'll pass it on.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 12:31:10 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I never understand this kind of thing. If I wanted someone to lose their identity, why in the hell did I collar that particular person in the first place?




Yep -it makes no sense. Likewise, it makes no sense to say, 'I have lost my identity as a sub in this relationship' the moment you utter the first word of that sentence. How can there be an 'I' if one's identity still exists?

Still, I don't know if I'm just being a logical smartarse here, or speaking more from the way my own personality works. I usually know when I'm acting too much against the grain, and I also know that it'd not do either me or my partner any good to continue to do so.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 12:44:28 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
~ Fast Reply ~

I've lost my individuality before, when I was in my non-M/s marriage. And it carried on in my last M/s relationship. I entered both without much of a clue of who I was, so I conformed to what they wanted me to be. Maybe I didn't actually lose my individuality, since I never really knew/had it to begin with.

Since then, I've created quite a life for myself, and learned myself inside and out. And because of that, I was no longer interested in those who wanted to "mold" me to fit their criteria. I am now 3 1/2 years into a relationship with a man who wants and encourages me to be the individual me that I am. Because that "me" adds a whole lot to this relationship that he enjoys. Sure, we evolve and tweak various nuances as we go, but ultimately, I'm an individual who makes up one part of the greater whole of this relationship.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Loss of individuality when entering slavehood - 8/10/2012 1:42:27 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
Still, I don't know if I'm just being a logical smartarse here, or speaking more from the way my own personality works.

Yup.. that. Pretty much what Carol said to me when I just said something similar to her a few days ago. And in the end, she's right. Being the driver in the car is not the same as being the passenger even if they're both in the same car. You have a [socially] dominant personality. It's not the same as Carol's [socially] submissive one.

Consider that Carol, at least, has made a commitment to mold herself however I determine is best to the best of her ability... whether or not she thinks that direction is a wise/good/healthy thing. From my own standpoint, such a thing is not really possible. I am too "dominant" for that to ever occur. I'd see it much like you. So I wouldn't really see the risks attached to that. I'd be saying rather flippantly, "Well sure... up until you're an idiot or this isn't working." And honestly, that's what Carol and I both say too. Carol obeys up until she determines I've become an asshat. The rub there is that her ability to make that determination is more than a bit compromised and both of us know it. It's what happens when you take the safety net of "consent" out of the question... not in that CNC way... but seriously.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 40
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