Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Just an issue of communication?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Just an issue of communication? Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 5:42:23 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		I am going to do something that I normally would not do.
Bring up a subject that is highly explosive on these boards. I am not bringing it up to start a war between everyone on who is right and who is wrong though.
The reason is based in our willingness to communicate effectively without 'going off the deep end'.

With that said...

This stems from MercTech's post about red flags and a section that he stated about limits.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_4210995/tm.htm
He stated that one of his 'red flag' moments are when someone states that they have NO LIMITS.

Throughout my years on this board, we have seen quite a few threads that cover this topic, but they almost always end up as train wrecks.
For the purpose here, I don't want to concentrate on whether or not a person actually has no limits or not. I am not concerned with that. What I would like to concentrate on is how a person expresses to another what they consider LIMITS to be.
And, just so everyone can use ME as the beating board, I will use myself as the example.

I know that I tend to really upset people when talking about limits and what I am willing to do. Almost always the discussion ends with them asking me 'well what about kids', 'what about death', 'what about animals'. Usually, when those questions start, I back out of the discussion because quite frankly, by that time, I am frustrated that my point has been missed. It's not till later that I go back and try to discover WHY my point was missed. More often than not, it's because my way of communicating my thoughts was not sufficient to get the point across; or because by the time I realized this, I had insulted everyone to the point that they did not care what my point was.
Yes, I can accept and admit that I do that regularly.

MercTech's thread got me thinking about the communication side of things. Especially when you are first meeting someone and have yet to establish an actual relationship with them. From what he stated in his thread, as soon as a person tells him they have no limits, he backs off because he see's this as a huge red flag.
And from previous threads, many of those who participate on these boards feel the same.

We sit here on these boards and expound to others the need for communication; open and honest communication. Yet, it's rare to find a thread that actually DISCUSSES the reason behind WHY a person would actually state that. Instead, we tend to fall into the death, kids, animals discussion in an effort to show that they don't know what they are talking about.

I can say honestly that yes, I do have limits. Bondage happens to be one. There are others. However, kids are never mentioned by me. Neither are animals. Neither is death.
The reason WHY is because for me...FOR ME...BDSM involves a very sexual relationship with my partner. My kids are not part of that relationship. Therefore, they are never even thought about as 'a limit'. The same goes for animals.

Now I get that for many people, they feel the need to mention these things. I get that. What I don't understand is WHY they feel this need. What's more, I have never attempted to find out why. My whole attitude is 'well, I don't, so that's ok'. But it still does not answer the question of why; which in turn leads to train wreck threads, and attitudes of disgust with quite a few people.

What I am getting at is our ability to communicate effectively. On these threads, if I had just got over myself and explained my reasoning, I am sure that the bad feelings would never have emerged, and I would have come away with a better understanding of how people think.
It's hard sometimes for me to remember that not everyone THINKS like I do, and explanation is necessary.

Which brings me back to the original question.
WHY do we walk away from prospective partners simply because they state 'I have no limits'. Why do we not, instead, take the time to discuss WHAT each of us considers to be limits and why we see them that way?

Just curious...and being way too introspective for this early in the morning


_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 5:48:35 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I can say honestly that yes, I do have limits. Bondage happens to be one. There are others. However, kids are never mentioned by me. Neither are animals. Neither is death.
The reason WHY is because for me...FOR ME...BDSM involves a very sexual relationship with my partner. My kids are not part of that relationship. Therefore, they are never even thought about as 'a limit'. The same goes for animals.

Now I get that for many people, they feel the need to mention these things. I get that. What I don't understand is WHY they feel this need.


If you read the last few pages in the Worst Dom thread you'll see that there are plenty of people out there for whom these are not limits; hence the need to mention them.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 6:01:15 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		I don't necessarily walk away from a potential partner that says they have no limits.

For me, it brings the issue of limits to the fore and makes me start asking questions to determine if there are indeed some limits (even if they are only limits of what I consider to be sanity).

I think you bring up an excellent point that I have seen (I think it was here) brought up in another way. I believe the thrust was: "If someone is intelligent but has poor communication skills, does that make you think they are less intelligent?"

There are people that are awful communicators in text or in speaking but that kind of deflects the question.

I think I sort of answered this in that other thread you mentioned. I think submissives, specifically, have had experiences where their desire (or ability) to speak their mind have been conditioned (or beaten) out of them. My response more than suggested that relationships that do this are abusive. I believe they are.

I believe the breaking of the spirit that occasions a person not being willing to speak up and draw clear lines or boundaries for themselves is nothing short of abuse.

I think there's an element of our lifestyle that more than suggests that any submissives that has limits is somehow not a real submissive (I swear, by all I hold holy, I almost typed "twue", there). Certainly, there are some limits that make a lady not a good submissive for me but I think that a lot of people tend not to add those last two words (for me).

You don't want to do dishes? You're not a good submissive for me .

You don't want to scrub floors? You're not a good submissive for me.

You get the idea. I think the crux of it is that many of us are not good communicators (on both sides of the power divide) and don't take the time to listen to the other person's explanation of what might have been a flawed opening statement.

I hope I added to the discussion. If I missed the point, I'll take my punishment as long as its only administered with wet noodles.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 8/19/2012 6:04:25 AM >

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 6:38:06 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I hope I added to the discussion. If I missed the point, I'll take my punishment as long as its only administered with wet noodles.

Actually, you got the point lol. Not sure if that is a good thing or not, but if needed, I can still provide those wet noodles

quote:

For me, it brings the issue of limits to the fore and makes me start asking questions to determine if there are indeed some limits (even if they are only limits of what I consider to be sanity).

This is what I was trying to get at. From what I have observed on the boards, not too many take the time to stop and start bringing up these kind of questions. ( Of course, I am referring to the boards. For all I know, when people actually meet someone, they DO bring up these kinds of discussions. I have just rarely seen them mention them on the boards.)
Can I ask you a question about this?
In this situation, when you meet a person and actually have this kind of discussion, does it usually end with the same statement of 'no limit's or do you both come away with a better understanding of what limits means to the other?

quote:

There are people that are awful communicators in text or in speaking but that kind of deflects the question

I admit that I am one of those. I have tried to be better in the past year or so, but sometimes I fall back onto old habits. I had someone mention to me once recently that I have mellowed a bit, which is not actually true. I have just tried to change how I interact with others.

quote:

I think there's an element of our lifestyle that more than suggests that any submissives that has limits is somehow not a real submissive (I swear, by all I hold holy, I almost typed "twue", there). Certainly, there are some limits that make a lady not a good submissive for me but I think that a lot of people tend not to add those last two words (for me).

I can agree with this. How many times do we see a person come here with questions regarding this very thing. All too often, as mentioned, those two very important words are never brought up. TO ME.
I think that sometimes we forget that when we talk about our experiences on here, we forget that not everyone HAS THE SAME EXPERIENCE. I, for one, used to communicate on the boards in that way. It took some time for me to realize that my experiences were just that. MINE and mine alone, and that I needed to express that clearly.

quote:

You get the idea. I think the crux of it is that many of us are not good communicators (on both sides of the power divide) and don't take the time to listen to the other person's explanation of what might have been a flawed opening statement.

LOL again, I can admit to guilt. I do like to think that my experience here has helped me to become better though.

Thank you for your comments; they have helped a great deal in my understanding of YOU.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:03:15 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
This is what I was trying to get at. From what I have observed on the boards, not too many take the time to stop and start bringing up these kind of questions. ( Of course, I am referring to the boards. For all I know, when people actually meet someone, they DO bring up these kinds of discussions. I have just rarely seen them mention them on the boards.)
Can I ask you a question about this?
In this situation, when you meet a person and actually have this kind of discussion, does it usually end with the same statement of 'no limit's or do you both come away with a better understanding of what limits means to the other?


I think, more often than not it does promote a better understanding but there's also a detriment and I'll give you both sides ...

Let's suppose I am someone that has unusually dark tastes. I see a profile that says: "I am a no limits (whatever)". In my mind, I might be thinking: "Well, I'm sure she has a couple of limits, let's see what they are"

After about ten minutes of discussion, it turns out that this person has an entire laundry list of limits and the "no limits" tag was just a way to "cast as wide a net as possible". I'm not saying that they have been purposely dishonest, necessarily but, if you're list of limits has more than 15 limits, I think we can agree that the generic and generalized "no limits" is completely untrue.

I will give a head fake to "common sense" here and say that the "biggies" that most people agree upon have become generally understood and I don't blame people for considering them to be limits.

If someone continues to assert that they have no limits, that's when I start giving outrageous examples to see if I can pull them back in off the ledge.

Now, let's suppose the other end of the spectrum (this'll be fun): Let's say that I have tastes that aren't all that dark and I come upon a profile that goes something like: "Hi. I'm a 23 year old submissive female. Let's get a few things straight, from jump ..." Then comes the aforementioned laundry list.

While this person hasn't been dishonest, I have found that if they listen to me for 20 minutes on one of their "hard limits", they might find that they are misinterpretting something on my profile and that the way I practice that activity may not be entirely out of line with their limits and might not even be a limit for them when explained properly.

The lady with whom I'm involved, right now has openly and willingly accepted my interpretation/practice of a certain activity and it's not even something we feel the need to discuss, anymore.

When we first started talking, I was "one of those freaks". Well, she is, now, too. LOL

I think the long and short of it is actually pretty simple: People don't know how to communicate; they certainly don't know how to do so, openly (which, yes, Virginia, is different than "honestly").



Peace and comfort,



Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 8/19/2012 7:05:21 AM >

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:18:38 AM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr


For me, it brings the issue of limits to the fore and makes me start asking questions to determine if there are indeed some limits (even if they are only limits of what I consider to be sanity).
 

 
Personally, I put those sanity limits in my profile because I just feel like they need to be there. There are way too many flavors of crazy in the world and I have found in my experience that even though in the BDSM world there aren't really a higher percentage of them, they just are more comfortable letting the crazy out of the box.
Trouble is, I don't have ALL the limits listed, just a couple of them. Thinking like a logical person (which btw I don't always) Things like limb removal and death as limits should simply be a given. Of course for some of the serial killer variety they are not...that's mighty scary to me.

quote:


I think you bring up an excellent point that I have seen (I think it was here) brought up in another way. I believe the thrust was: "If someone is intelligent but has poor communication skills, does that make you think they are less intelligent?"



I am much better at communicating via typed or written word. Here on the message boards I can reread what it is I am trying to convey and correct anything I feel doesn't come across correctly to hit my point.
I don't on the other hand, do very well in person. I get stuck on whatever it is I am trying to get across and tend to do things like speak in circles...repeat myself with different wording.
I am also not very confident in my own level of intelligence. While I did graduate High School and I did continue school for another year after that, some things happened in my life that broke my line of education up. I didn't get my High School diploma until I was 21. After that I just stopped trying to educate myself in the general sense.
On top of that, I have horrible memory problems. People have asked me in the past if I'd had a head injury or done an excessive amount of drugs whe I was younger because of my memory. The answer to both questions is no. I did do some recreational drugs as a teenager, but IMO not enough to have cause my memory to be as swiss cheese like as it is now at age 41.
The memory problem is the worst. I actually feel stupid when I have trouble with recall. Yesterday for instance....Friday I had had my post op appointment and the doc removed 3 of my 4 drains. I had been using paper clips to attach them to my garment, one of the clips was a large green one. I went to grab it to use for my last drain (because I'm silly and little stuff like that makes me smile) but I couldn't find it. I searched everywhere I could think of for half an hour getting more and more upset the longer I searched because I simply couldn't remember wtf I did with it. Mr finally asked me if I had checked my purse....that should have been the FIRST place I looked. OF course that's exactly where it was...but by the time I found it I was almost in tears out of frustration and just feeling like a complete moron for not being able to remember the simple act of sticking the stupid thing in my purse at the doctors office which of course made sense because well...yea LOL.

quote:


There are people that are awful communicators in text or in speaking but that kind of deflects the question.

I think I sort of answered this in that other thread you mentioned. I think submissives, specifically, have had experiences where their desire (or ability) to speak their mind have been conditioned (or beaten) out of them. My response more than suggested that relationships that do this are abusive. I believe they are.

I believe the breaking of the spirit that occasions a person not being willing to speak up and draw clear lines or boundaries for themselves is nothing short of abuse.


 
I can't tell you how many times I have said over and over like a mantra how lucky I am to have Mr in my life. He expects me to speak my mind, regardless of what mindset we are both in. Our ability to flow as smoothly as a D/s couple lies directly on my own ability to tell Him where my head is at any given time. Sometimes it gets frustrating for Him because when I have trouble explaining something to Him, I get upset about it and tend to sound "toppy" But He is extra understanding and now after almost 20 years (I'm sure He understood a long time ago but...) He knows that my intention is in fact NOT to be "toppy" at all but more me struggling to effectively communicate with Him. So, He gives me the little extra leeway I need to be able to get my point across. To outsiders it probably looks like I am topping from the bottom and he is simply a service top to me...but between the two of us that's not the case at all. Sadly (I think) what that means is, if anyone ever joins our family, they are going to need A LOT of getting to know us time before being comfortable with out flavor of D/s

quote:


I think there's an element of our lifestyle that more than suggests that any submissives that has limits is somehow not a real submissive (I swear, by all I hold holy, I almost typed "twue", there). Certainly, there are some limits that make a lady not a good submissive for me but I think that a lot of people tend not to add those last two words (for me).

You don't want to do dishes? You're not a good submissive for me .

You don't want to scrub floors? You're not a good submissive for me.

You get the idea. I think the crux of it is that many of us are not good communicators (on both sides of the power divide) and don't take the time to listen to the other person's explanation of what might have been a flawed opening statement.

I hope I added to the discussion. If I missed the point, I'll take my punishment as long as its only administered with wet noodles.



Peace and comfort,



Michael


I hope I explained my opinion well enough for everyone to understand it. I honestly don't feel like I have the brains of a washcloth some days.

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:23:15 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		Some people have many limits because they haven't yet tried something and it frightens them. Some people have no limits because they haven't yet tried any of them and they think they will like them!
We all have limits and we find our partner according to what those limits are. If we are not into needle play and we know are partner isn't into it either, why bother setting it as a limit?
Partners that have been together for some time and know each other well will often state that they have a 'no limits' relationship because neither have any interest in going beyond the limits already set!
The last time a male sub told me he had no limits I said, 'that's fantastic. I have always wanted to stick a nail through a guys scrotum and bang it into a chunk of wood but up until now have never found anyone who will let me'. Contact from him dwindled fairly rapidly after that!

I also get frustrated when people list 'kids, animals, criminal activities and death' in their limits because like you say, what the hell have any of those things got to do with BDSM?

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:25:01 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist


Now I get that for many people, they feel the need to mention these things. I get that. What I don't understand is WHY they feel this need. What's more, I have never attempted to find out why. My whole attitude is 'well, I don't, so that's ok'. But it still does not answer the question of why; which in turn leads to train wreck threads, and attitudes of disgust with quite a few people.



I apologize for popping in to comment on just one aspect of the OP, hopefully I'll get time later to do a more in depth posting, but there is something that's been building up in my mind about the aspect mentioned in the above quote that I wanted to comment on. There are posters who find it ridiculous for a member to mention in their profile the "obvious" limits like children, dismemberment, Dolcett, animals, etc, and when I was new here I also felt it was crazy for people to even specify that they did NOT want these things. Then I had a profile for a while and ran into those very same extreme acts being asked about time after time...it sickened me. I learned from then on that you did have to mention the "obvious", or risk being asked about things that were abhorrent to me.

There is a poster on the boards now that frequently admonishes others about mentioning these subjects, as though the ones mentioning them are just expecting the worst of others and being fantastical to think they'd actually run into those things as real requests. As Kalikshama mentioned already...yes, people do bring these things up. Often. I have personally been asked many times when I was looking, about if I were able to do them or provide them.

The reason there is a need to mention the extremely disgusting and mostly illegal acts is because they are asked after. If you don't want to have the aftermath of feeling like your skin is crawling, you mention it in your profile; this is why people do it, so they hopefully don't have to get the sick emails asking after vile things that make you feel like washing after you read. I do not want certain topics even sitting in my inbox, it's worth it to me to put it out there that I'm not interested in them.

Great topic, hopefully I'll be back later...

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:31:25 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I also get frustrated when people list 'kids, animals, criminal activities and death' in their limits because like you say, what the hell have any of those things got to do with BDSM?


They have nothing to do with BDSM in my mind, but everyone else in the world obviously does not feel the same way. Therefore, if I were looking and didn't want to see it mentioned in my inbox, I'd definitely state the obvious. I dont care how stupid it appears if it prevents one sick email from being sent to me. It has happened far too often that I get asked about "kids, animals, criminal activities, and death" that I wouldn't leave it up to others having common sense not to think those things have anything at all to do with BDSM activities, as they all too frequently disappoint me on that. My frustration comes from being asked if I'd do those things.

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:33:53 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Things like limb removal and death as limits should simply be a given

Not picking on you or arguing, because I actually agree...it should be a given.

Where I get tripped up though is in thinking WHY, if it is a given, does it need to be even mentioned.
And I understand when everyone says 'well, if you could read some of the shit that people are posting, you would understand why it has to be mentioned."

ANd I have read what others post, even the crazies who bring up shit like this and state that it's alright.

Yet, I am still have issues with understanding WHY a person of reasonable intelligence, who understands right from wrong, and legal from illegal; would have the need to state that these are limits for themselves.
I am not referring to the fact that everyone else brings these up.
I am concentrating on the individual who makes those statements themselves, and their need to do so. Especially, if they already KNOW that they are limits and as such, 'are a given'.

Honestly, when I look at profiles, I usually am disgusted when I see one that states 'my limits are kids, animals, limb removal, etc etc". All I can think is if you have to mention them, then it's something you have thought about.

And I KNOW that my thinking is wrong...I know that...because that's not the case. I KNOW that if I would just take the time to actually ASK them why they put them there, that chances are I would come away with a better understanding.
Yet, my knee-jerk feelings prevent me from doing that.
I know that nine times out of ten, they are simply reinforcing what you and Kali have said...that there are crazies out there who would actually go down that road.
Reason seems to fly out the window though when I am confronted by these kinds of statements

quote:

People don't know how to communicate; they certainly don't know how to do so, openly (which, yes, Virginia, is different than "honestly").

This caught my attention.
I know I often tell others to communicate openly and honestly; yet, thinking about it, I find that I am always lumping those two into one bag.
You are right. They are vastly different.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to Lucifyre)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:38:03 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you Lizi. You actually partially answered one of my questions lol. I was writing a response when you posted and brought up some of what you said. Again thank you.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:38:11 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

The reason there is a need to mention the extremely disgusting and mostly illegal acts is because they are asked after. If you don't want to have the aftermath of feeling like your skin is crawling, you mention it in your profile; this is why people do it, so they hopefully don't have to get the sick emails asking after vile things that make you feel like washing after you read.


I don't mention it in my profile; I believe these types of people are unlikely to read or respect profiles anyway.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:45:40 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Great topic Irish!!

If someone told me "I have no limits" I would ask what they meant. That kind of statement screams clueless no experience newbie to me.

A new person probably has no idea what their limits are. And it *can* be difficult getting them to open up so you can find out what they feel comfortable exploring. I think they say "no limits" b/c they assume that's what a femdom wants. <insert big eye roll here>

I think the checklist thing could be fun, though I've never used one. But then I don't initiate long discussions about limits; I let the subject evolve organically over time.

And yes, I've seen the no kids, no animals, and no dead people as limits on profiles. It may sound weird, but you know, there are (unfortunately) people who need that info, b/c they are specifically looking for those "extreme," not to mention illegal, kinks. People into scat and being full toilet slaves routinely show up on these forums (yuck !!).

I do think people's limits need to match up. A light weight maso like me, for instance, is never going to make it with a heavy duty sadist. B/c dominants *DO* like pushing limits. Eventually mine would get pushed too far, and then I'd snap, have to kill him in his sleep.

Yall would have to bust me outta jail, we'd have to do a Thelma and Louise, and there'd be tears before morning.

<sigh>

_____________________________



(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:50:40 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I happen to agree with the premise of the author of the other thread.

I'll freely admit when the no limits thing comes up, I'm not really willing to discuss it further. It is an immediate sign of one of two things. The first possibility is that they have little to no experience. The second is they aren't going to be compatible with Me because if we are just starting out, there are things, in My opinion that they should have limits about since we are just meeting. If their mind doesn't stretch out to those darker places that fits My sadism, we're just not going to match up.

I'm of the mind that limits should not just be about the activity itself. It should also be about the person that you are dealing with and how much of a bond you have. For example, Irish, we just had that great thread on the aspects of emotional S/m. While I think you'd be fun as all get out to play with in that area and it's one you have experience in, do you really think you should trust Me with that right out of the gate? I'd say the same thing about brands, rape play, other certain kinks regarding sexuality, and various other things that many people can be very cool with as the dynamic progresses, but they should have the brain in their head not to be wanting to do right away.

Do I stop and discuss this with everyone who tells Me that they have no limits? No. While some might say that I could be missing out on somebody great because I'm not cutting them slack in the possibility that they may not be a great communicator, I'm willing to accept that. The next play partner who comes along will be and play partners just aren't that rare to come by.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:51:12 AM   
LordOdinn


Posts: 34
Joined: 10/22/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt



I do think people's limits need to match up. A light weight maso like me, for instance, is never going to make it with a heavy duty sadist. B/c dominants *DO* like pushing limits. Eventually mine would get pushed too far, and then I'd snap, have to kill him in his sleep.

Yall would have to bust me outta jail, we'd have to do a Thelma and Louise, and there'd be tears before morning.

<sigh>


*Makes note to self: No heavy sadism...no indeedy!*


_____________________________

Chatte Wrangler Extraordinaire
I used to be LordOdhinn but I got the H out of there!!!

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:52:14 AM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I also get frustrated when people list 'kids, animals, criminal activities and death' in their limits because like you say, what the hell have any of those things got to do with BDSM?


It doesnt - but unfortunately there are things that people will associate with these types of things - snuff / bestiality / breeding / limb dismemberment, because of other sites that DO include these types of things in their venue under the BDSM label.

I see many profiles where Dominants are looking for no-limit subs/slaves - and it just reads to me as an amateur or someone who is in fantasy land. Guys that just want to get their momentary freak-on and then when its over, they are over it and want to be left alone.

I walk away from these types of people because it makes me think that theyre not very bright - and I dont have time for it.

< Message edited by JanahX -- 8/19/2012 8:00:43 AM >

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:54:29 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You have to sleep sometime, Mister !!

_____________________________



(in reply to LordOdinn)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 7:56:32 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I don't mention it in my profile; I believe these types of people are unlikely to read or respect profiles anyway.

My question then would be

Why, on the boards, would you feel the need to bring them up?

That's where my confusion is coming from. I honestly do not interact with anyone on the other side unless its a mail from someone on this side. The few times I did bring up a subject with someone over there who did not participate on the boards ( based on something they put in their profiles ) has ended with me coming away shaking my head.

I am really not even thinking about the other side in my questions here; I am more focused on those of us who DO participate on the boards. There have been times that I have gone and looked at one of the posters profiles, just to clarify something in my mind, and more often than not, things like kids are never even mentioned in their profiles. Yet, its usually the first thing that is thought of on this side.
I am just curious as to why.

Is it because I am missing a huge communicated statement? Am I jumping to conclusions and making assumptions?

Or is it because my communication skills suck?

LOL

Merc's statement got me thinking, and to be honest, I never even considered profiles of strangers on the other side. I was only thinking about those of us who post on the boards.
My bad.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 8:02:03 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I happen to agree with the premise of the author of the other thread.

I'll freely admit when the no limits thing comes up, I'm not really willing to discuss it further. It is an immediate sign of one of two things. The first possibility is that they have little to no experience. The second is they aren't going to be compatible with Me because if we are just starting out, there are things, in My opinion that they should have limits about since we are just meeting. If their mind doesn't stretch out to those darker places that fits My sadism, we're just not going to match up.

I'm of the mind that limits should not just be about the activity itself. It should also be about the person that you are dealing with and how much of a bond you have. For example, Irish, we just had that great thread on the aspects of emotional S/m. While I think you'd be fun as all get out to play with in that area and it's one you have experience in, do you really think you should trust Me with that right out of the gate? I'd say the same thing about brands, rape play, other certain kinks regarding sexuality, and various other things that many people can be very cool with as the dynamic progresses, but they should have the brain in their head not to be wanting to do right away.

Do I stop and discuss this with everyone who tells Me that they have no limits? No. While some might say that I could be missing out on somebody great because I'm not cutting them slack in the possibility that they may not be a great communicator, I'm willing to accept that. The next play partner who comes along will be and play partners just aren't that rare to come by.


Now this I can understand ( and correct me if I get this wrong please ).
From what I understand is that you would prefer using your energy with someone who is almost totally compatible with you from the start? To that end, someone stating no limits is seen as incompatible from the get go because there are others who are?

I hope I did not butcher that

edited to add:
Have you ever come across someone who DID state that, and yet, you still managed to have a play relationship with?

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 8/19/2012 8:03:04 AM >

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Just an issue of communication? - 8/19/2012 8:04:51 AM   
Lucifyre


Posts: 1067
Joined: 3/27/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Yall would have to bust me outta jail, we'd have to do a Thelma and Louise, and there'd be tears before morning.

<sigh>


I would go Thelma and Louise with you in a heartbeat Chatte!!

Just sayin ;)

Lucifyre

_____________________________

"Batteries? OMG, Bitch Please! My Shit plugs in!"
I do this because it fucking feels good.
I like girls who like girls
The thing about standards is: There are SO many to choose from.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Just an issue of communication? Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.188