Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced Page: <<   < prev  2 3 [4] 5 6   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 12:35:29 PM   
SpaceSpank


Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline 		I think the intent is the important part of course.

Anyone seeking out "fresh meat" specifically for that reason has always been, in my experience, rather skeevy at best. That's for ANY kind of relationship.
It doesn't always mean they don't know what they are doing, or lack experience, they could have lots of it... but their motives and intent are often entirely self serving, with little or no regard to the other person at all.

Someone seeking a partner of little experience because they, themselves, have little experience? Not a bad motive, maybe a bit misguided, but nothing inherently shady.

For me personally. I look at anyone... be they a seasoned submissive with decades of experience, brand spanking new, or somewhere in between doesn't matter to me.
I don't fear starting fresh with someone who only has the desire but nothing else. And I certainly have no qualms about dealing with any peculiarities that may or may not exist from some former relationship. I care about the submissives personality, attitude, and interests (in that order).

Their age and experience can both help and hinder things regardless of which side they lean. I'm not bothered by it either way, if a little adversity or challenge made me pack up my things and leave I wouldn't exactly call myself fit to be involved in a D/s relationship in any serious way.



(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 12:36:32 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		FR

What is this whole idea that the only two possibilities are TOTALLY INEXPERIENCED PERSON and TOTALLY TAINTED AND STAINED PERSON WHO WILL BE FOREVER TARNISHED BY THE WEIRD WAYS THEIR PREVIOUS PARTNERS DID THINGS?

False dichotomy is false. You could just, like, form relationships with rational and sensible people who don't transfer ALL OF THEIR BAGGAGE FROM ALL OF THEIR PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS ONTO YOU.

Simples.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.




(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 12:39:45 PM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline 		AthenaSurrenders - I hadn't read your others post(s) before I commented. Wasn't referring specifically to you. Thanks for your comments.

quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
If a 38 year old guy get's interested in a specific girl, and then finds out she happens to be a virgin... he can possible be a great teacher to her.
If a 38 year old guy is only, or mainly interested in finding virgins to fuck... he's screaming "I'm terrible in bed, and I need to find somebody inexperienced enough not to realize that".

First one makes sense. Second one seems to be a logic leap. I can honestly say that I prefer inexperienced partners because I like to teach. I look for opportunities to build somebody up and improve them, and of course, that can even include relationship skills. I've never wanted to cause anyone else harm, and never have (cept for a red bottom, that kinda thing). And I'm not terrible in bed (if I do say so myself) either. It CAN happen, and I resent people's insinuations that I'm out to get somebody simply because I'm more experienced. I identify with the terms teacher, guide, mentor, role model, stuff like that.
I get what you're saying, I just think the second sentence stereotypes a bit too much, and doesn't logically follow.
Also, there's more to being inexperienced in relationships than being sexually inexperienced. Some virgins are quite experienced. Some non-virgins aren't experienced at all.

_____________________________

I almost never return to a thread, so if you saw my post and want me to hear your reply, please message it to me.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 12:52:03 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		And if that's your thang........you are just going to have to accept that an awful lot of people will be thinking less of you for it and giving you the hairy eyeball.

Getting your panties wadded over it is a lesson in futility.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to wittynamehere)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 12:57:02 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

First one makes sense. Second one seems to be a logic leap.



It's not a leap of logic. It's based on experience.
I'm not claiming it's an absolute truism, and there aren't any exceptions possible -nor has anybody else in this thread claimed as much- I'm saying that, on average, that's exactly what's going on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere

I can honestly say that I prefer inexperienced partners because I like to teach. I look for opportunities to build somebody up and improve them, and of course, that can even include relationship skills.



See, that just tells me you you don't really enjoy teaching and/or aren't comfortable actually teaching the subject matter you claim to teach.

If you actually desired to teach, and are skilled in your subject, the experience of the person you taught shouldn't matter. You should enjoy teaching on a kindergarten level as much as you do on a university level.

The fact that you deliberately choose to only teach kindergarteners tells me that you are either:
A) not qualified to teach any class higher than that
B) specifically interested in interacting with kindergarteners -for whatever reason- and not at all interested in the art of teaching in and of itself
C) unable to interact with people on a peer level, probably because of insecurities you've got about yourself
D) a combination of all those things

I don't mind people who are attracted to teaching in and of itself... but I'm VERY weary of self-proclaimed teachers that can't handle/are unwilling to teach at the university level, and yet still feel that THEY are the best introduction to the lifestyle for newbies...





< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 8/29/2012 1:05:36 PM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to wittynamehere)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 12:57:16 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
So I've been doing it right after all! whew!

So spaketh the man with the Cape Buffalo hat. So shall it be. amen.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 12:58:42 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
You want me to train you now too Jeff?

ROFL... You're gonna need Ullr's permission on that one. Training me is known to be a very, very big job. But hey! Think there's any chance you could train me well enough so I could pass my trueness test and get my dom card reissued?


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 1:01:07 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
I don't mind people who are attracting to teaching in and of itself... but I'm VERY weary of self-proclaimed teachers that can't handle/are unwilling to teach at the university level, and yet still feel that THEY are the best introduction to the lifestyle for newbies...


This is very true. Just because someone has experience, it doesn't mean that there isn't anything to be taught. Relationships aren't stagnant. We constantly evolve, grow and learn.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 1:04:28 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		It also begs the question...........once all of the kindergarten stuff is learned.......then what?

Does the graduate get booted out for another, less experienced?

(Of course that is not my suspicion... I have a feeling they tend to 'drop out' all on their own.)

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 8/29/2012 1:06:50 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 1:05:33 PM   
SpaceSpank


Posts: 244
Joined: 10/3/2010
Status: offline 		Finger painting of course!


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

It also begs the question...........once all of the kindergarten stuff is learned.......then what?


(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 1:15:00 PM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		They just want a blank slate to work with. No big deal in and of itself to have a preference for that.

Although I can easily see how that desire can come from either a benevolent or malicious intent. If they have good intentions, mean well, and are responsible and reasonable, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to work with someone who lacks previous experience and teach them to please you specifically; some enjoy this "building" process, where you grow and learn and discover things with said inexperienced partner--it can be quite exhilarating and intimate.

That, to me, is very different from picking out inexperienced partners specifically to prey on naivete and convince them to do or accept things they aren't sure or comfortable about because "well this is the way it is, you have to because you identify as submissive." These people that take it beyond preference and into requirement, that's where it screams "ulterior motives" to me.

And although it can be said that for some inexperienced people, telling the difference between those two things may be difficult or even impossible, I personally believe that anyone with a good head on their shoulders who can use a modicum of simple common sense will be able to smell the difference easily. And I don't think that potential difficulty in differentiating the two (or even just the existence of those with malevolent intent in the desire for inexperienced partners) implicates the benevolent ones as doing anything wrong simply for their preference.

Basically what I'm saying is that while many people seeking inexperienced partners are predatory and malevolent in their intent, it's not the preference itself that is "wrong," but the motivations behind it. In other words, this:
quote:

ORIGINAL: wittynamehere
The improper use of something doesn't negate its proper uses, at least according to some old Latin phrase. One can be interested in somebody who has no experience WITHOUT wanting to harm them.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 1:35:27 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DNAHelicase



There are many patterns that predators may use. Some of the things you'll see in most types, but keep in mind each one may be different:
*Sticks to newbies exclusively
*Has many, many partners and little or no time in between new partners
*May try to keep many of his partners quiet, telling them not to announce that they're together or not wanting to interact at BDSM events
*Usually tells lots of little white lies or dodges questions
*Claims to be teaching or mentoring every woman he fucks, despite a lack of knowledge in many areas of BDSM or any specialized skills
*Has been doing this for a long while
*Bases his ideas about BDSM heavily or exclusively around sex
*Many of his partners wind up abruptly leaving the scene for good or taking a long break when the relationship with him ends, because they feel used, victimized, etc. (Yes, I know relationships can end badly when they're legitimate--but if it's something that happens every three months with the same person involved over and over, it should raise a red flag.)
*Very welcoming and friendly to female newbies, but mostly ignores male newbies
*Very persistent in pursuing many women all the time, even if it isn't done in a threatening way
*Usually presents himself as a nice, helpful guy, especially to women and newbies (this one is nothing to be concerned about by itself, but along with several of the other warning signs should be viewed suspiciously)






Most excellent post.


_____________________________



(in reply to DNAHelicase)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 1:45:30 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

FR

What is this whole idea that the only two possibilities are TOTALLY INEXPERIENCED PERSON and TOTALLY TAINTED AND STAINED PERSON WHO WILL BE FOREVER TARNISHED BY THE WEIRD WAYS THEIR PREVIOUS PARTNERS DID THINGS?

False dichotomy is false. You could just, like, form relationships with rational and sensible people who don't transfer ALL OF THEIR BAGGAGE FROM ALL OF THEIR PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS ONTO YOU.

Simples.



Um yeah. I had some knee jerk reactions ingrained in me from 20 years with the previous dom. Now, being a *somewhat* smart cookie, how many of those "wtf is wrong with you, woman?" looks do you think it took before I caught on?

When you're ready to be trained by someone else, and I have no issues with that word, you realize this is a whole new person, and you're going to have to do some relearning. It's not *that* hard.



ETA a line here b/c this piece is most definitely not in reply to VC:

Also, there is a huge difference between liking the young chickiepoos, what man doesn't like young flesh, and seeking your prey among the inexperienced? Hello? DO keep on topic.





< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 8/29/2012 1:57:49 PM >

_____________________________



(in reply to VaguelyCurious)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 1:52:44 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I don't see the big deal. A lot of adoptive parents like the idea of raising children from babies through adults - why not Doms with their subs?




Because subs are not children? I agree with the comments that state that Doms who seek only inexperience are far too insecure to be with an experienced woman, who might call them on their bullshit.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 1:58:25 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

When do you think writing assignments, if any, from a Dom to a sub begin?


The only time I was given a writing assignment was from a Dom who was a psychologist and found it a useful tool to get inside a potential partner's head.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to culareD)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 2:05:03 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: culareD
When do you think writing assignments, if any, from a Dom to a sub begin?

I'll answer the broader question. When is the right time for ANY command to be given and/or obeyed. The answer to that is "once the dominant has accrued sufficient "points" with the sub to pull off the command. I dislike the whole "by agreement" thing and favor the actuality of the relationship. So why not just let it flow how it does? If he gives you some command you either think it's wise to obey or you don't. Carol obeys the commands I give her because I have "dominated" her. In her specific case, the "points" I have accumulated are things like "demonstrated track record of being a good leader and loving the heck out of her". Someone else's "points" might be totally different.

But the bottom line is that if the dom has earned his "dominant" spot in YOUR eyes then these questions aren't questions anymore. If they ARE questions then my advice is to decline the command and talk about it instead. If the guy gets all pissy because you declined a command then perfect because you can safely dump him anyway.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 8/29/2012 2:08:32 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to culareD)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 2:17:45 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I strongly disagree, Jeff. Why? B/c this is exactly how that dom predator would do it.

One of their hallmarks tends to be rushing into a dynamic. This is not *always* true, but it is often true. So although I think you should let any relationship develop naturally to a certain extent, when it comes to someone getting long term specific commands from me (or me getting them for that matter) that happens when we are both agreed there is a dynamic in place.

That doesn't mean I won't do some testing of those waters in a minor way, I think everyone does that. I don't see handing out writing assignments as falling under that category.

For me it's always been an ever escalating series of testing the waters leading to more and more until we both realized...oh wow, we're in a dynamic. To the point it was obvious and we needed to talk about it -- so we did.

The predators like to rush things. Although I personally know of one who has the patience of a snake.



_____________________________



(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 2:27:55 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

What do you think when you see a male Dominant that deliberately seeks out the inexperienced female submissives?

I have my view based on what I've seen in the LA community, but I'm curious what all of you think.




I think that as an adult she has the place to either be in the relationship or not and that it's not my place to get involved in her relationship decisions.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 3:30:03 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
I strongly disagree, Jeff. Why? B/c this is exactly how that dom predator would do it. The predators like to rush things. Although I personally know of one who has the patience of a snake.

I'd be the second sort of predator. I keep telling Carol that we're still in the "lulling her into a false sense of security" phase. In another 50 years or so when she is fully lulled then I will spring the jaws of my vicious trap Bwwahahahahahaha.

I'll bail on the rest of the thread though. I know how I do things but I'm pretty sure it's not BDSM-norm and may not work out well for other people.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced - 8/29/2012 3:34:58 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
What do you think when you see a male Dominant that deliberately seeks out the inexperienced female submissives?

I love corrupting the vanilla, or introducing kinky women to things they've never done before.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 80
Page:   <<   < prev  2 3 [4] 5 6   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Dominants that seek out the inexperienced Page: <<   < prev  2 3 [4] 5 6   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.105