Kana
Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaB
Isn't giving a person 'control over you' something submissives do all the time?
Of course. And as you've pointed out, it's a conscious choice.
Grins, I could also mention that every employee makes this same choice :-)
quote:
We should be very careful about judging those who stick around with abusive people. Its not about being 'grown up' or 'foolish'
Actually, I was referring far less to the idea of a gal who is currently with an abusive man. Rather I was commenting on someone who is still letting that person hurt them weeks, months, years after the event.
Hurt me, shame on you. If that still hurts me way down the road, if I'm bitter, hostile, angry, armored, because of it, shame on me.
And I don't know about you, but me-I try to stay away from relationships that cause self harm.
quote:
I take direct offense at that. Do some of you guys also believe that rape victim ask for it?
You've just totally tangented, but I'll run with it for a bit
Of course I don't. The rape victim is in no way shape or form responsible for the crime. She is at the time a victim. But she doesn't have to be one for the rest of her life.
(And frankly, I could take direct offense to your taking offense( I don't, but I could). I'd have hoped that my positions on these sorts of things are pretty clear after years of posting. Or at least that years sharing the same boards would have least offered me some benefit of the doubt.)
Now, that said, and I hate to sound all harsh about such a sensitive thing, lets be real clear here.
Rape is a terrible, awful, majorly traumatic life shattering thing, a violent crime of the most personal possible kind.
But bad shit happens in life, sometimes stuff not so nasty, sometimes things that are much worse (Your kids are killed in a car wreck, or like a friend of mine, your plane falls out of the sky and you watch your mother, father and sister slowly bleed to death over hours and then days while you are helpless to do anything to help because you are paralyzed from the wreck)and that sucks.
And part of life is learning to process things, heal, grow scars over those wounds so they don't stay open and infected forever.
I have a friend, spent forever in an abusive violent husband who routinely raped her for years (And yeah guys, you can rape your wife. Rape is rape, ring or not) relationship. It took years for her to gather the courage to leave.
But she did, and when she did, she took a real long hard look at herself, her relationships.
And she decided that she could let what happen crush her, ruin her life, haunt her every thought. And that doing so would make him the victor, that each time she let what happened to her make a decision for her, keep her from trying or doing something she otherwise would have, she was letting him rape her all over again.
That he was still exercising that sick twisted power years later sickened her.
So she decided to do something about it.
She went to counseling. She faced what went on. She walked through it surrounded by folk that loved her. And she committed to not letting the bastard beat her.
So she went back to school, meanwhile, volunteered at a local battered woman's shelter, one of those underground RR type places for women fleeing insane men. She took the tragedy that was her life, shared it openly and honestly with other abused women, and in doing so helped both find healing. And women who wouldn't ordinarily open up, who won't listen, did, because she knew how they felt, she knew how they thought, she had walked in their shoes and judged them not at all.
She also finished college, then headed to Law school. For the past few years she worked in the Prosecutors office convicting sex crimes. She also offers her legal services to the shelter for free and does much pro bono work for abused women.
In other words, she took the worst thing that ever happened to her and turned it into a tool to help others.
She found strength inside her she never would have known existed. She found a woman inside of grace, nobility and decency.
She guides and helps others out of miserable situations on a daily basis. It's her calling in life. She toils in some of the darkest trenches of the human experience and she not only perseveres, she conquers
And ya know what?
This gal, she's one of my heroes.
I love her. I'm in awe of her courage. I adore her great big open heart. And goddamn, I admire the fuck out of her refusal to buckle and be beaten, to find the faith to walk instead of crawl, and to refuse for one more freaking second to be the victim that a sick degenerate bastard tried to make her be.
That's exactly what I'm talking about here.
< Message edited by Kana -- 9/14/2012 8:17:03 AM >
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"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST
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RE: Sadistic-Narcissism - 
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to dictate my feelings and emotions. I've even been hurt by my own child recently but after a couple weeks of feeling like I was the worst mother in the world, I decided that ya know, I could either let this seep deeper into my depression or I could sit down and think for a moment that she is an adult. I can't be responsible anymore for her stupidity. Yeah, I still love her but I won't allow her to destroy my life. So, I let go. 
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