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Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 12:33:24 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		I am new to my "submissive" desires. I was raised in the "women can be anything" "don't let any boy/man walk on you"...generation and I have always been the corporate climber... I never "liked" it but knew no better. Long story short..I started reading up on BDSM and Dom/sub dynamics...and I am interested in exploring further. I have spoken with many doms but am also interested in what subs think. I have realized that, by knowing what I will and won't do, what limits I want and finding the right match..Increase my chances of having a good first experience. What do you find to be "red flags" when speaking with a Dom, how do you attract the type of Dom you want (I have realized many will agree to anything if they think they will get you interested. Figure you will like it once you try it? How do you keep from getting attached too fast? I find a Dom that I like in conversation, and as we talk...I am attracted and want it to work...then I find out that they are "interviewing many" and a better candidate has come along.

One issue is that I am not into the SM stuff. At first I figured no one would be interested in me but I have been hopeful that I will find someone who is more into bondage, role play.. I am interested in submitting because I respect & trust not because I fear or get excited by pain. How do I convey this? I am married and not looking for a 24/7 Dom boyfriend thing...to me this is more because I have realized that this is what sexually excites me and as a release valve for the stress of having to be in control of many different things...kind of let my inner sub come out and play... My marriage is a caretaker/invalid thing so I don't have a home sex life. I don't want to tell him but, we lead such separate lives that as long as he and the kids are cared for, I live a pretty single life.

I am interested in any advice and friends. My only friend in this lifestyle is a master Dom I met online (not involved, too far away...but I do trust him & respect his opinions)&, he says he helps and "mentors" me but he has his own relationship to deal with and he can only understand so much.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 12:56:18 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		The only advice I am going to give to you is tell your husband and stop cheating on him.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 1:25:37 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Put down "50 Shades" and read these forums instead. The people and drama here are much more realistic and entertaining.

Also realise that being "deviant" does not make us immoral. Most of the "real" Dom/mes have much more exacting moral standards, albeit slightly different from the typical norm. You will find that the "real" ones tend to have a very low tolerance of cheating on committed partners. If your husband was aware and supportive of your D/s journey that is different. Be wary of those who don't care that you're going behind your family's back, as the odds are that they are exploitative and abusive.

Speaking from close proximity to the caretaker/invalid situation, I believe in your situation it is healthier for you to talk to your husband (the invalid I assume) about your interest and desire in D/s and look together for someone to tickle your itch.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 1:31:45 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I agree with littlewonder. You're looking to a Dom as someone honorable, whom you can respect, and no man like that would take you on without full openness.

That said, there are various different flavors of lifestyle. I will warn you that role play is looked down upon by most, if it's used as a substitute for the real thing instead of an occasional spicy activity. Also, saying that you're not interested in the SM side rules out a lot. That may mean that you won't be disciplined, which occurs in a fair amount of relationships and is the focus of Taken in Hand/Head of Household (TiH/HoH) relationships. Also, to be blunt, I don't really think you're correct to rule out so many activities with a blanket statement while you are still exploring.

Check into Gorean and Second Life.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 2:12:00 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Oh, hon........

I'm not the nicest gal when it comes to folks who want to engage in activities behind a spouse's back, so I'm trying really hard to say this.

Please, talk to your husband. I can't possibly imagine how hard I would take it if I was so ill that the sex life between My husband and I didn't exist AND he did what you are trying to do now. That's not what love is.

In honesty, yes, I'm sure you could find somebody who didn't care one whit whether you are married or not. Who wouldn't care if your husband is so gravely ill. Cheaters come in all stripes. As long as somebody is getting their rocks off, that's all they will care about.

The only luck I can wish you is finding the courage to talk to your husband. I can't wish you luck in the other endeavor. My heart just isn't in it.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 2:34:05 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Ok, well its good that you recognized your feelings and that you want to find some kind of enlightenment. The others are right though, you're taking this trip without your husband, he's not on the ride and isn't aware it exists. Is that fair to him? Is it fair to a potential partner to have to hide things and be secretive? Being that the nature of what people do in BDSM and D/s, they're pretty particular about honesty and you probably didn't want to hear that, but it's the way it is. Hence the reason that so many may be disappearing on you.

Looking for red flags and such is a whole other subject and you can find a lot of material by doing a search on the forum. I'll also say that what you think you won't like isn't always the case, trying things in real life is often quite different. I"ve flip flopped on a couple of things that way already and I imagine I will do more as time goes on, i've learned not to be so quick to put something off limits.

It's hard to get past the husband issue to give you more advice so I'll stop here. I will say that I had a collection of BDSM stories a good while back and one of the hottest in the book was about a woman and her wheelchair bound husband and how they interacted with him being in control- smoking hot. I remember it every now and then. You really need to honor your husband enough to be honest with him and see what type of agreement the two of you come to, if any. What would you want from him if you were in his situation?

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 2:36:12 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		What I find intriguing, is that people like you that are actively looking to cheat on your spouse - actually think that youre not going to get caught.

You will.

And when you do, it will be the best day of your life - and your husbands - and especially your childrens. A BIG HAPPY FAMILY. SOUNDS FUN.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 2:41:28 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

My marriage is a caretaker/invalid thing so I don't have a home sex life. I don't want to tell him but, we lead such separate lives that as long as he and the kids are cared for, I live a pretty single life.

I would get permission from my husband and then find a married Dom in an open relationship - insist on speaking to the wife and don't fall for the "it's ok but she doesn't want to know" BS.

quote:

I am interested in submitting because I respect & trust not because I fear or get excited by pain.

Just phrase it just like you did above. There are plenty of Doms who aren't sadists - sometimes they call themselves "sensual Doms."

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 2:43:05 PM   
Salinedion


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		If you are trapped in a sexless marriage (due to an ill spouse or finances or whatever), I urge you to google "I live in a sexless marriage" to learn how others cope with such a debilitating situation and talk about your pain without being judged -as I believe you have been unfairly in this thread.

I have walked your walk. If you really are stuck at the moment, then having a half a loaf, compartmentalized sex life represents a step up for you. Much empathy and best of luck.

I think you'd do best taking your sweet time getting to know a guy who's not Johnny Super-dom. Be honest and demand the same. There's a few million guys out there who'd love to do your kink-lite thing.

_____________________________

I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 2:45:33 PM   
BambiBoi


Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline 		TieMeInKnots,

I think its a testament to self awareness that despite your upbringing as a go-getter-gal and your outward career success you desire to kneel. Before you continue with anybody, you should consider whether to want to submit or whether you just want a break and a change from always being in charge (or both). I suspect that if you continue submission and your BDSM knowledge grows, that you might have net shifts in what you want. This is perfectly fine, but you'll need good people in your life to help you identify and pursue that most admirable goal. But good people are sometimes hard to find.

Let me tell you a Bambi parable. One time, in a bar, I was talking to this woman. I commented that I loved her wedding band, but was surprised that she didn't also wear the engagement diamond despite being so dressed up. She says, "I only wear a wedding band to keep away creepers." At this point, "Getting Laid Bambi" was turned off, but "Strike the Heart, Twist the Blade Bambi's" interest was piqued. I tell her that a woman wearing a wedding band does not deter creepers. Instead, she has put on a filter that ensures the kind of men who would respect her and her relationship automatically disqualify themselves. What she has left is only people who don't care if she's married or are too dumb to notice the ring. "Basically, you're making sure only horn dogs chasing a one night stand even bother talking to you."

She did not reward my smug analytical skills.

Why do I bring this up? Because you, Knots, are doing the same thing. Ethics of marriage and honesty aside, each time you are more discreet and incognito you are meeting men of the same caliber. Basically, you're sleuthing around the bottom of the ocean at night. You can't be surprised when the only thing you turn up are crabs. If you want a dolphin, you need to swim with the dolphins.

What is a crab? A crab is a someone lurking in the shadows. Very discreet, usually BDSM knowledge limited to "If I say kneel she has to suck my dick, right?"
What is a dolphin? A dolphin is a proud, respected, experienced, contributing member of the BDSM community.
Where do dolphins swim? In the community. Munches, in particular, are the best way to meet the people who live this lifestyle with the joie de vivre you desire.

How do I tie this all together? These dolphins are the good people you need to find that will encourage your triumphs.

This court need not reach the question of marital fidelity and trust as it was properly addressed below.

Affirmed in part. Remanded with instructions consistent with this judgment.

IT IS SO ORDERED.

Bamboo, J.

_____________________________

<3

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 2:49:44 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

If you are trapped in a sexless marriage (due to an ill spouse or finances or whatever), I urge you to google "I live in a sexless marriage" to learn how others cope with such a debilitating situation and talk about your pain without being judged -as I believe you have been unfairly in this thread.

I have walked your walk. If you really are stuck at the moment, then having a half a loaf, compartmentalized sex life represents a step up for you. Much empathy and best of luck.

I think you'd do best taking your sweet time getting to know a guy who's not Johnny Super-dom. Be honest and demand the same. There's a few million guys out there who'd love to do your kink-lite thing.


Many of the people who responded have also walked this walk. I wouldn't make assumptions on that, if you thought it was unfair treatment that she got, well I'd just say everyone has their own opinion and can only give what resonates with them or what their experience with that particular thing was. I'm not sure she's being judged.

Just to be clear, I dont think anyone told her to go without sex for the rest of her life, but to go forth from this point in time with all parties knowing where things were. You are right, having half a loaf and a compartmentalized sex life is better than nothing, and in my opinion that is something that should be undertaken with full disclosure.

(in reply to Salinedion)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 2:49:45 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		We are not judging her for being dissatisfied with a sexless marriage, I think I can safely say that none of us who have weighed in so far would be happy or tolerate one.

We are raising red flags at her decision to go behind her husband's back about it without even talking to him about her needs and wants. It's the way she is handling her relationship that's the issue, not her need to find a third.

(in reply to Salinedion)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 2:55:40 PM   
Salinedion


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		........There is def. a de facto no sex outside the marriage-ever consensus here.

I'm all for honesty and reconciling with the sick spouse -but very often, in these sickness deals, it may not be pragmatically possible in the near term.

So if someone shows up here with a sick spouse and a long story, MY first impulse is to listen, empathize, and solicit more info. Other people here's (moral, well-meaning) first impulse is.... very different.

Again, google "I live in a Sexless Marriage". You need coping strategies and like minded support much more than you need kinky boyfriend advice (which I also hope you get here, if that's your wish).

_____________________________

I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to Alecta)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:01:04 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

What I find intriguing, is that people like you that are actively looking to cheat on your spouse - actually think that youre not going to get caught.

You will.

And when you do, it will be the best day of your life - and your husbands - and especially your childrens. A BIG HAPPY FAMILY. SOUNDS FUN.
I don't know, Janah. If anybody's got a shot at getting away with it, I'd say an invalid's spouse has a better chance than most.

I'm still kind of curious how the separate lives thing comes into play if she's the caregiver. Not sure I really want to know, though.

The OP does have My thanks. I literally read this thread to the other half and said if he ever fucking did this, I would never forgive him.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:02:43 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

........There is def. a de facto no sex outside the marriage-ever consensus here.


No there isn't; the overarching attitude on these boards has always been a "no sex outside the marriage behind your spouse's back" one.

LadyPact and I are both poly, in the least.

quote:

I'm all for honesty and reconciling with the sick spouse -but very often, in these sickness deals, it may not be pragmatically possible in the near term.

So if someone shows up here with a sick spouse and a long story, MY first impulse is to listen, empathize, and solicit more info. Other people here's (moral, well-meaning) first impulse is.... very different.


Agreed, but if the next lines following "I'm in a sexless marriage" is "My spouse doesn't know and I don't want them to know", then I want to know why. Again, it's not the "sexless marriage", it's the "they don't know and i don't want them to know" that's the issue.

(in reply to Salinedion)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:04:25 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

........There is def. a de facto no sex outside the marriage-ever consensus here.

I'm all for honesty and reconciling with the sick spouse -but very often, in these sickness deals, it may not be pragmatically possible in the near term.

So if someone shows up here with a sick spouse and a long story, MY first impulse is to listen, empathize, and solicit more info. Other people here's (moral, well-meaning) first impulse is.... very different.

Again, google "I live in a Sexless Marriage". You need coping strategies and like minded support much more than you need kinky boyfriend advice (which I also hope you get here, if that's your wish).
How do you reconcile that statement with those of us who are poly? It's not the outside of the marriage part. It's the dishonesty part.


Edited to add - Alecta's a bit faster than Me today. LOL.



< Message edited by LadyPact -- 9/8/2012 3:05:17 PM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Salinedion)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:05:25 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

What do you find to be "red flags" when speaking with a Dom


Here's an in depth discussion: Red Flag attitudes...

Here are my red flags and turn-offs when in comes to profiles/initial contact:

Profile
- His profile is very short and/or entirely kink based, contains text speak, spelling and grammatical errors.
- No pictures - worse if his primary pic is of a woman, even worse a cartoon Bondage Barbi. I put these profiles on Hide.
(If he attaches a pic in his first email that somewhat makes up for it. I had a minister do this.)
- He's an Expert in everything

First email
- Did not read my profile/wrote even though I want single, local guys only, etc
- Too short/text speak/spelling and grammatical errors/boring, e.g., "hi how r u"
- Presumes a relationship we don't have "kneel bitch"
- Wants my off site contact information (YIM, phone, etc) way too early. I'll give it when I'm comfortable.
- Is otherwise in a rush - looking to meet that or next day.
- Otherwise comes across as pushy. I need to know that he will respect my boundaries when he has me bound and helpless.

I have found that people who swoop in with a tornado of faux intimacy swoop out just as fast.

If someone claimed to be a Shibari expert but was not a member of his local community, that would give me pause. I guess it's possible to learn this online but I would form negative judgments about people who were not willing to learn technical skills from others IRL. I've always lived in areas where lots of education was available at reasonable prices.



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Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)
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RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:09:06 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

........There is def. a de facto no sex outside the marriage-ever consensus here.


No there isn't; the overarching attitude on these boards has always been a "no sex outside the marriage behind your spouse's back" one.


Agrees with Alecta

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to Alecta)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:09:13 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

........There is def. a de facto no sex outside the marriage-ever consensus here.


Actually no, there is an all partners on board consensus here. Sex outside of marriage isn't the point and people dont really give a rat's ass what consenting adults do with themselves. They do however advise honesty for all those involved.

quote:


I'm all for honesty and reconciling with the sick spouse -but very often, in these sickness deals, it may not be pragmatically possible in the near term.


I'm wondering how it wouldn't be pragmatically possible for someone to be honest with their spouse? If things are that bad off and the spouse cannot understand or participate in a conversation, that sounds like an end term situation and perhaps the healthy spouse puts their sexuality to the side for that short amount of time as people generally don't linger for too long.

quote:


So if someone shows up here with a sick spouse and a long story, MY first impulse is to listen, empathize, and solicit more info. Other people here's (moral, well-meaning) first impulse is.... very different.


This is a message board, not an intimate conversation. I'm not sure any of the posters here would be as abrupt in real life but given the medium, viewpoints are dispensed in rather short bursts and get to the heart of things. There isn't really much room for listening and empathy although I've seen it happen plenty of times even with the shortcomings of this venue being geared toward the rapid fire burst of interaction.

quote:


Again, google "I live in a Sexless Marriage". You need coping strategies and like minded support much more than you need kinky boyfriend advice (which I also hope you get here, if that's your wish).

Good advice.

Edited to add: Shoot, Alecta's way faster than me today

< Message edited by lizi -- 9/8/2012 3:10:30 PM >

(in reply to Salinedion)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Very New but Intrigued - 9/8/2012 3:10:00 PM   
Salinedion


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		.......I went 3 years with nothing but a wank when my partner was dying. I'm glad I did. It was a 100% relationship from day one to day done.

But when I went to a support group, most people there were either in an affair or looking. These things leave you stripped bare.

If someone asks me for survivor spouse advice, I give it. If someone asks me for kinky boyfriend on the side advice, I give it.

If they don't ask me for advice or my opinion on their misery, I tend to just leave it alone.

I'm not here to fight with anyone or criticize how they post. Every voice here is valuable. But I do hope this nice person googles that site I suggested.



_____________________________

I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 20
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