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RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/13/2006 9:24:07 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Thoughts to ponder, CreativeDominant, and I will. 

What I meant in my post, however, was not about emotional damage by a break up.  I meant in the case of a slave who hands herself over in full to a Master, giving him control of her heart (emotions) and mind as well as body.  She follows his lead, and begins to want what he wants.  If he leads her down an unhealthy path, which she does not recognize as unhealthy, it can be emotionally damaging.  Or there is the case of the Master who becomes the slave's foundation, only to abandon her without a word.  Therefore, when some people hear about a Dom who doesn't know (or care) what he is doing, they might be quick to shake a stick at him (or worse), for taking on more than he ought to, and potentially really hurting or traumatizing another human being.

I did not mean to imply at all that Dominants do not get hurt when relationships end.  Although I will admit that is something I have had some interest about.

Thank you for your insight.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/13/2006 10:07:32 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Many dominants love to do this because the more they tear down others, the more status they think they gain.

Submissives love to do this because it validates the single ones who reject the "wannabees" and it validates the one with a dominant, because he is perfect, unlike the "crappy doms".

Sad thing is, this is the crap that drives from the scene those who I feel often have the most to offer, and instead brings people who tear others down to scramble to the top of the shit heap of labels.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/13/2006 10:18:49 PM   
mastersayed


Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Cuz it's ok to bash men.  We've set up a lot of those ideals in our modern society.  



I agree with LA. If a man can't orgasm its his fault, if a woman cant orgasm its still the man's fault. If a woman is so boring that the man loses his hard on its the man's fault. If he orgasms too fast its bad, if she orgasms too fast its hot.
btw I dont have any of those problems, I just feel bad for all the guys out there, and I believe that some women should stop being bitches to men. My best friend was called a minute man by his girlfriend, (even though he lives in the dorm room next to mine and I here them fucking for hours) and it really took a toll on his self esteem.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/13/2006 10:19:58 PM   
mastersayed


Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		sorry for going off topic but LA made a good point

(in reply to mastersayed)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/13/2006 10:38:38 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I see folks write about money and doing it only for money when it comes to women a lot. Or marriage, she just wants to get married so she'd not a real sub/dom whatever.


I think you will find on many a sub's profile that they are looking for 'the one' or something similar. Now whether you take that to mean marriage or a serious monogamous relationship, it's pretty explicit that D/s or kink in general isn't her only motivation.


Um actually if I was just wanting to get married I would have joined eHarmony or a church, not a lifestyle that many of the men that practice it look at it as a kinky sex thing. If I just wanted to get married it makes little sense to involve myself in a tiny little subculture and cut down the number of available people to almost nil. If I was just looking to get married I would have gotten there a long freakin time ago.

Most people are under this delusion that women are desperate to get married... Lord knows I would love to find that person I am going to grow old with and I have not lost hope that I he will appear. If he doesn't I will still have a life.

I think that you presume to know too much by reading a few profiles on CM and concluding that every woman that wants to find "the One" is talking about marriage. I never put that on my profile personally, and I do want to get married. BTW getting married is not a bad thing for men.. they live longer and stay healthier married than they do single.. Marriage has the opposite affect on women.. I wonder why I want to shorten my life by tying it to a man sometimes, but hey.. you only live once!..lol

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 6/13/2006 10:39:43 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

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(in reply to meatcleaver)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/13/2006 10:48:38 PM   
mastersayed


Posts: 119
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I see folks write about money and doing it only for money when it comes to women a lot. Or marriage, she just wants to get married so she'd not a real sub/dom whatever.


I think you will find on many a sub's profile that they are looking for 'the one' or something similar. Now whether you take that to mean marriage or a serious monogamous relationship, it's pretty explicit that D/s or kink in general isn't her only motivation.


Um actually if I was just wanting to get married I would have joined eHarmony or a church, not a lifestyle that many of the men that practice it look at it as a kinky sex thing. If I just wanted to get married it makes little sense to involve myself in a tiny little subculture and cut down the number of available people to almost nil. If I was just looking to get married I would have gotten there a long freakin time ago.

Most people are under this delusion that women are desperate to get married... Lord knows I would love to find that person I am going to grow old with and I have not lost hope that I he will appear. If he doesn't I will still have a life.

I think that you presume to know too much by reading a few profiles on CM and concluding that every woman that wants to find "the One" is talking about marriage. I never put that on my profile personally, and I do want to get married. BTW getting married is not a bad thing for men.. they live longer and stay healthier married than they do single.. Marriage has the opposite affect on women.. I wonder why I want to shorten my life by tying it to a man sometimes, but hey.. you only live once!..lol


I agree about the marriage part. I'm getting married soon and I'm 18 but the way I look at it is that I found somebody I love and who loves me and satisfies me, why go through the long and expensive process of dating. I dont have to date anymore. Plus I already had my fun with relationships. As soon as I graduate I'm gonna marry my slave, and the bonus is I get a higher life expectancy.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/13/2006 11:58:34 PM   
Reflectivesoul


Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

In reading the PC thread that is on the boards I began pondering over an observation that I have made for some time. It seems that it is rather common to see a response on the boards to a submissive or slave who is asking about an experience or potential mate that is along the lines of "He's not a Dom"....or "He sounds like a wannabe or an HNG"....or "Just because he calls himself a Dom or Master doesn't mean he is one". This seems to be rather accepted and generally doesn't raise a lot of questions or flames from others.

So if this is okay....why then is it that if someone even ELUDES to the fact that someone may not be a submissive or slave it generally starts a bashfest?

Is it because the criteria for the roles of Dominant/Master is clearer? Is it because we feel that Dominants/Masters have to be more evolved in their roles at the onset and that the positions of sub/slave have more flexibility and can be adapted to with time under the direction of a Dominant or Master? Is it because we feel there are actual qualifications to be met for Dominant/Master but none really for submissive/slave?

I am not looking to get into the definitions of the labels or what your own personal criteria is for any of these roles, so PLEASE don't respond that way.


Erin,
 
I havent read the replies yet but something came to mind as I was reading through all of this....
 
A lot of the times I have seen someone "Dom bash" its usually from the ones who less than 3 days ago were talking about how wonderful this Dominant was... I'm wondering if part of the turn around isnt because they feel like an ass for talking up their Dominant then BLAM get dropped like a hot cake, then use the "Dom bashing" as a way to justify the relationship endeding and so they dont feel stupid for not seeing signs earlier in the relationship, to cue them to the fact that this match just wasnt right in the first place....? When this happens they are usually fastly coddled and cooed to about how "wrong" the Dom in question was and is..... therefore removing any sight placed on themselves. ( and in some NOT all relationships that sour its not even the Doms fault that it goes south....)
 
For example.... sub a.... meets Dom C... <a> posts all this wonderful stuff about C and how He is the bestest Dom on the whole planet.... <a> neglected to tell C that she is unavailable... C finds out and leaves <a>..... <a> comes back and posts on the threads that C is not a Dom and not a Man... blah blah... everyone runs to comfort <a> and bash C for what happened.... When C posts agian He is bashed by <a>'s friends because of what He "did"..... and C's side is never seen, therefore <a> goes along doing what she had been doing all along, which is being a liar... and C gets the rep that He's an ass.... but <a>'s reputation stays intact because she "outed" C....
 
 


_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 12:27:56 AM   
Kedikat


Posts: 680
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		One persons expectations are the other persons shortcomings. When turned around, it is a groundless attack.

< Message edited by Kedikat -- 6/14/2006 12:28:47 AM >

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 12:34:34 AM   
champagnewishes


Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kedikat

One persons expectations are the other persons shortcomings. When turned around, it is a groundless attack.


I haven't had a chance to even read the op yet but you sure summed something up right Kedikat.

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.


(in reply to Kedikat)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 5:06:05 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		I agree there is a certain amount of man bashing involved, but I don't find female dominants to be any truer (ugh) than males.  Not that anyone deserves a label or a little box, but a little honesty about how you identify would be nice.  There's nothing wrong with being a top or a bottom any more than there's anything wrong with being a dominant rather than a master, or a submissive rather than a slave.

Taking a good long look and being brutally honest with oneself is a great first step.  Basically, if you present yourself as something you're not, you're being dishonest from the get go.  And that goes, regardless of how you identify.



_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to champagnewishes)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 5:28:26 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Thoughts to ponder, CreativeDominant, and I will. 

What I meant in my post, however, was not about emotional damage by a break up.  I meant in the case of a slave who hands herself over in full to a Master, giving him control of her heart (emotions) and mind as well as body.  She follows his lead, and begins to want what he wants.  If he leads her down an unhealthy path, which she does not recognize as unhealthy, it can be emotionally damaging.  Or there is the case of the Master who becomes the slave's foundation, only to abandon her without a word.  Therefore, when some people hear about a Dom who doesn't know (or care) what he is doing, they might be quick to shake a stick at him (or worse), for taking on more than he ought to, and potentially really hurting or traumatizing another human being.

I did not mean to imply at all that Dominants do not get hurt when relationships end.  Although I will admit that is something I have had some interest about.

Thank you for your insight.

 
I'm going to chime in here as one of those dominants that got to watch the train wreck in slow motion...We had one come here and believe me, she could talk the talk and walk the walk. I saw it first mainly because I don't work and am home all day (Which is most likely why we didn't get as badly ripped off as others had.. she had no chance to go through our belongings) When Scooter got home she was good as gold to both of us and if I brought up certain behaviors that I saw and experienced during the day she would cry and ask Scooter why I was always picking on her. He was lost, he couldn't believe that she was doing all the things I had told him about because of the way she always acted around him. Luckily we had a very dear and trusted friend down from Michigan visiting and she backed me up... told Scooter all that happened and how this wannabe treated me during the day. The time finally came when she stepped way over the line and I packed her things... that's when I truly found out just how bad it could have been. She had papers (Important things, like SS#, bank account numbers, pay stubs, life insurance papers) from previous "victims". She didn't get those back, I contacted the people and mailed the papers back to them and found out an amazing amount of stuff about this girl. Had she been given the chance to go through our papers and such she could have laid ruin to our bank accounts... as it is she only got by with stealing around $150 from our account and $60.00 from our wallets. Scooter was devastated, so much so that he nearly walked away from a lifestyle we both truly love.
 
I'd like to say that was a rare occurance but it wasn't. It happens a LOT. Self proclaimed submissives and slaves that are only it it for self gain. Male and female.
 
Being a dominant is no easier a path then being a sub/slave. We are not naturally "safer" or more protected. I completely agree with Erin here... it's very double sided when it comes to saying someone is a wannabe. It's ok to say "they aren't a dominant" but you had better have on hellova flame proof suit if you say it about a submissive or slave. And we've all seen it countless times and I doubt if this thread is gonna change much about that... but it's a damn good try Erin, thank you for posting it.

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 7:21:36 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel
I completely agree with Erin here... it's very double sided when it comes to saying someone is a wannabe. It's ok to say "they aren't a dominant" but you had better have on hellova flame proof suit if you say it about a submissive or slave. And we've all seen it countless times and I doubt if this thread is gonna change much about that... but it's a damn good try Erin, thank you for posting it.


Thanks Jewel. I think you're right...it won't change. But I get an "A" for effort right?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 7:23:08 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie
Not that anyone deserves a label or a little box, but a little honesty about how you identify would be nice.  There's nothing wrong with being a top or a bottom any more than there's anything wrong with being a dominant rather than a master, or a submissive rather than a slave.

Taking a good long look and being brutally honest with oneself is a great first step.  Basically, if you present yourself as something you're not, you're being dishonest from the get go.  And that goes, regardless of how you identify.


Thanks feastie....my sentiments exactly.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 7:28:02 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix
I see a LOT of people say "He’s not a submissive. He’s a wanker. He’s not a slave. He’s a fetishist. He’s not looking for a Mistress. He’s looking for masturbation material."

Which makes me think…
this isn’t an issue of titles (Dominant, submissive).
It’s an issue of gender.

Why is it ok to call males wankers, HNGs, and wannabes.
But for some reason it’s not ok to call females wankers, wannabes, and HNGs?


Yes, you do have a point.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Proprietrix)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 7:48:15 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Thoughts to ponder, CreativeDominant, and I will. 

What I meant in my post, however, was not about emotional damage by a break up.  I meant in the case of a slave who hands herself over in full to a Master, giving him control of her heart (emotions) and mind as well as body.  She follows his lead, and begins to want what he wants.  If he leads her down an unhealthy path, which she does not recognize as unhealthy, it can be emotionally damaging.  Or there is the case of the Master who becomes the slave's foundation, only to abandon her without a word.  Therefore, when some people hear about a Dom who doesn't know (or care) what he is doing, they might be quick to shake a stick at him (or worse), for taking on more than he ought to, and potentially really hurting or traumatizing another human being.

I did not mean to imply at all that Dominants do not get hurt when relationships end.  Although I will admit that is something I have had some interest about.

Thank you for your insight.

Thanks, ownedgirlie

For the most part, I can see where dominants such as you mention would probably deserve being bashed.  Leading someone down a path that is unhealthy...and would be recognized as such by anyone who is neutral to the relationship...is just wrong.  As for dumping someone whose "house" has been built upon the "foundation" you've laid with no attempt to shore things up or do minimal damage as you pull things down, you've seen what I posted about that circumstance.

I am more bothered...and I think this is what erin was also touching on in her OP...by the idea of bashing dominants because their ideas are found to be different from a submissive's original conception of them.  Sometimes, when you get to talking more deeply with a person about their wants, needs, desires, you find that you do not mesh.  That's fine...it happens.  As someone else noted, you find that "you're not my type", not that...in most cases anyway..."you're just masquerading as a dominant". 

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 8:03:56 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks, CreativeDominant.  I understand what you're saying now.  And yes I agree with that.  I see a lot of criticism about Dominants who - heaven forbid - want to teach a submissive something new!  (((gasp!))).  I see a lot of submissives saying "Take me as I am; I am not changing for anyone" which is basically saying the Dominant must conform to them (at least that is how I read it).  If not, he/she gets the bashing as being unfair, unyielding, and too harsh.  I can understand there are a lot of submissives who have been burned or mislead along the way, therefore there is a tendency to be extra cautious or judgmental about the Dominants they encounter or hear about.  But these relationships of ours are about both parties, and not just about the submissive. 

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 9:45:38 AM   
Kimera


Posts: 16
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline 		Reflectivesoul got it right.  Most of what we see are sour grapes postings by people who got taken.  They are embarassed, and THEY SHOULD BE.  Even in this thread:

Aellea at post #14 tells of being taken in by a "Dom" who just wanted sex.  Its sad, but what does her sad experience have to do with the OP?  One loser does not a quorum make.

And Shifted Jewel -- so you and your "co Master" fucked up and got taken in.  BIG SUPRISE.  Now you are whining to the world about it?  Maybe instead you need to assess exactly what you and "Scooter Trash" (oh how apt is THAT name?) are doing, recruiting women for your oh-so-perfect hillbilly Dom heaven.  You laid yourselves open to be taken, you got taken, now suck it up and deal. Don't go teaching the rest of us from your sad errors.

Wonder how long THIS post will stay up?

Kimmee

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 9:51:00 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kimera

Reflectivesoul got it right.  Most of what we see are sour grapes postings by people who got taken.  They are embarassed, and THEY SHOULD BE.  Even in this thread:

Aellea at post #14 tells of being taken in by a "Dom" who just wanted sex.  Its sad, but what does her sad experience have to do with the OP?  One loser does not a quorum make.

And Shifted Jewel -- so you and your "co Master" fucked up and got taken in.  BIG SUPRISE.  Now you are whining to the world about it?  Maybe instead you need to assess exactly what you and "Scooter Trash" (oh how apt is THAT name?) are doing, recruiting women for your oh-so-perfect hillbilly Dom heaven.  You laid yourselves open to be taken, you got taken, now suck it up and deal. Don't go teaching the rest of us from your sad errors.

Wonder how long THIS post will stay up?

Kimmee

Wow I thought you and the "gang" were just going after me because I made an easy target.  Now I know it's just your delightful nature.  And it IS very delightful, trust me.

Being in poly, I know exactly how manipulative it can get-on both sides.  My experience is from the other side- I was taken in as a slave, praised, shown off, given high status service positions at family gatherings, and got along well with their friends.

But the wife couldn't take it and out of nowhere one day they said it was over and that they didn't have the time to train me, that my service had been horrendous and that I had embarassed them in front of their friends.

They insisted the relationship was ending just because of their lack of energy and time to train me, but I knew from contacts over the months that they were severly trashing me around to the local people.  I let it pass for a few months until we talked again and they apologized and thanked me for being the better person. 

It's very sad when people open themselves up to such a complicated process and let things get so messy and out of hand.  Doing the blame game afterwards is never a good idea, but I don't see any whining or being taken in.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Kimera)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 9:55:44 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		To be on the receiving end of lies, half-truths and bold, dishonest behavior isn't a fun time.  Many people who tell their stories don't do it because they like to wallow in self-pity or recall how stupid they were to let certain people in their lives.  They do it to warn others that it can and does happen.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Why is "He's not a Dom" okay???? - 6/14/2006 10:17:22 AM   
Kimera


Posts: 16
Joined: 6/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kimera

Reflectivesoul got it right.  Most of what we see are sour grapes postings by people who got taken.  They are embarassed, and THEY SHOULD BE.  Even in this thread:

Aellea at post #14 tells of being taken in by a "Dom" who just wanted sex.  Its sad, but what does her sad experience have to do with the OP?  One loser does not a quorum make.

And Shifted Jewel -- so you and your "co Master" fucked up and got taken in.  BIG SUPRISE.  Now you are whining to the world about it?  Maybe instead you need to assess exactly what you and "Scooter Trash" (oh how apt is THAT name?) are doing, recruiting women for your oh-so-perfect hillbilly Dom heaven.  You laid yourselves open to be taken, you got taken, now suck it up and deal. Don't go teaching the rest of us from your sad errors.

Wonder how long THIS post will stay up?

Kimmee


Lucky Albatross:  Wow I thought you and the "gang" were just going after me because I made an easy target.  Now I know it's just your delightful nature.  And it IS very delightful, trust me.


"GANG"?  I doan need no stinkin' GANG!   Its just ME.  The Kimera.  You can't see ME, and there I am, whoooosh!

Delusions (mine) aside, LA, look at your post.  You were the sainted "better person" slave being horribly misused by your coMasters.  Isn't this EXACTLY the flip side of Shifted Jewel's story?  There, the new slave was manipulative, criminal, evil.  HERE, the new slave is the saint, and the "masters" were the bad news.  GEEE....could the truth maybe lie somewhere in between?

In fact, you all smack of amateurish high schoolers playing at a serious game.  It would seem to me (disembodied as I am) that before I played either side of the field -- took on a live in slave or became a live in slave -- I'd have my head screwed on so as not to be taken advantage of.  But hey, you experienced "real time" experts must know better.  That's why you always fuck up your lives (addressed to ALL, not just LuckyA)

hummmmveeeeeeeee.   Kimmee.  I'm wearing a skirt today  WEEEE.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 80
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