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Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 11:22:36 AM

Babyslave90

Posts: 30
Joined: 11/4/2012
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I am relatively new to the life style and my boyfriend and I absolutely love it. But this is the second time in our relationship that he has fucked my face up. Mind u we have only been together for about 3 months. I have only ever had one master before and he was not anywhere near as extreme as my current. I am 5 ft and 115 lbs very petite. And he is 6'1" and 240 lbs very muscular. I am afraid when he goes that far with my punishment. It causes problems with my family and friends and makes me terrified to say or do anything to make him angry. The whole right side of my face is swollen, black eye, my ear is even purple and swollen. Is there any advice out there I can utilize in my relationship so this won't happen any more?

Post #: 1

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 11:29:35 AM

Kana

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Errrr, that's not BDSM, that's abuse. Time to say Later, Gator and kick him on down the line.
If he persists, call the cops.
It's that simple

Unless you like being beaten in the face and having those types of marks. If that's the case, which it sure don't sound like, then carry on

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(in reply to Babyslave90)

Post #: 2

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 11:33:44 AM

SinFix

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Joined: 4/1/2011
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I'm gonna agree with Kana on this one, it sounds more abusive than a BDSM relationship but if it floats your boat then by all means tell him your concerns about damage and leaving marks. Though your OP sounds like he is hitting you in anger so honey, GET OUT!!! I have been there done. you can cmail me if you would like to discuss things.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 3

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 11:37:03 AM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
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From: Centralia, Washington
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Uuuhhmmm... Baby. That was Kana.

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Post #: 4

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 11:37:17 AM

Titaniya

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Joined: 9/9/2012
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If he cares about your overall well-being - which includes your relationships and, if applicable, career - then he should not be doing things that compromises it.... Particularly if you bring it up.

It's not unreasonable to ask him to keep marks to places that are easily hidden. I'm not going to bash people who want to do S&M activities in obvious places like the face, but there are things to consider, particularly if you're in the kink closet.

Frankly, it concerns me that you're "terrified to say or do anything to make him angry," particularly in this context. Someone who gets mad at their submissive/slave because that submissive/slave raises a valid issue is someone who needs to work on relationship skills, not someone to be trusted in a dominant role. Even in the kink world, I take it as a giant red flag when a partner wants to cut you off from or compromise your relationships with people who care about you. Along with the fact that you're "afraid when he goes that far with [your] punishment," this sounds to me like a case of textbook abuse disguised as BDSM.

I understand I don't have much to go on here, so my suggestion comes down to this:
1. Bring it up gently. Make it a point to bring it up outside of play/punishment, and if you need to/can, call a bit of a time out on your dynamic. Explain to him the reasons you don't want that punishment in that places (ie, the ramifications it has on your life). IMO, if he's reasonable, he'll understand and will alter his behavior.
1a. I'd also bring up the fear aspect of the relationship. If you're actually "afraid" and "terrified" for your safety and you can't trust that he has your well-being in mind even while punishing you, that's a problem.
2. If he refuses to compromise, and especially if he gets mad at you for bringing these things up.... Honestly, leave him (and look into local domestic violence help if necessary). If it's this bad at 3 months, it's only going to get worse.

< Message edited by Titaniya -- 11/4/2012 11:38:09 AM >

(in reply to Babyslave90)

Post #: 5

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 11:41:04 AM

Babyslave90

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Joined: 11/4/2012
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Well I like it when he slaps me but sometimes he does it way too hard and he says he doesn't realize he is hitting me that hard and afterwards he feels really bad and holds me when I cry. Non sexually he is the best boyfriend I have ever had he treats me like a princess out side of the bedroom but I am the nastiest slut in the world in the bedroom. I really do not enjoy a lot of the stuff he punishes me with but I really enjoy making him happy at the same time.

(in reply to SinFix)

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RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 11:56:59 AM

punisher440

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OP,like Kana said this isn't BDSM unless it is totally consentual and it doesn't sound like it is to me.You can try talking to him which should have happened after the first time he did this and explain how you feel about this.I know there are those out here that enjoy the more extreme forms of impact play but I don't think you do.If he doesn't agree to abide by your limits,then you have a choice to make.Just remember,you do have a choice of who you serve.

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Post #: 7

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 11:57:59 AM

SinFix

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Well then you need to sit down with him and go over things that are going on... maybe switch up how he punishes and it is very clear why... being submissive does not mean you have to lay down and take whatever just to make someone happy. You are responsible for yourself and need to make sure that things are what you want as well...

(in reply to Babyslave90)

Post #: 8

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:04:27 PM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Babyslave90

Well I like it when he slaps me but sometimes he does it way too hard and he says he doesn't realize he is hitting me that hard and afterwards he feels really bad and holds me when I cry. Non sexually he is the best boyfriend I have ever had he treats me like a princess out side of the bedroom but I am the nastiest slut in the world in the bedroom. I really do not enjoy a lot of the stuff he punishes me with but I really enjoy making him happy at the same time.

You sound like a wonderful sub/slave. And he sounds either like an abusive asshole or else an idiot that doesn't know what he's doing.

I've been in the scene for ten years. I'm afraid to do face slapping because it can lead to serious damage. Much more serious than he's done thus far. Per your statement, he's done this more than once and refuses to stop it.

Leave him.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 9

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:05:27 PM

Babyslave90

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Joined: 11/4/2012
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We talked about it last night after it happened. He said he'll never hit me that hard again but he doesn't realize how hard he is doing it at the time. We made a rule that he can't punish me angry anymore to prevent this. He needs to cool off before punishment can start from now on.

(in reply to SinFix)

Post #: 10

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:10:05 PM

Babyslave90

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Joined: 11/4/2012
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The first time was much worse and that was the first time we ever played together. But I antagonized it I was trying to be a bad ass saying he couldn't get too rough for me but I was wrong. So that was my fault.

(in reply to Babyslave90)

Post #: 11

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:12:51 PM

myotherself

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From: The cold bit of the UK
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IMO you've jumped into this whole Master/slave thing way too fast. You need to be able to fully trust the Master before you can commit to the relationship.

Take a step back. Look at the situation. Then decide how YOU want it to look.

Then, you need to talk to him. Honestly. You need to come to an agreement about what is and what isn't acceptable.

If he flips on you when you say you want this, then leave. If he's not willing to talk about stuff, then he's not a man to trust with your limits and your life.

If he will listen, then tell him you want to slow down. Start out as Dom and sub. You have limits, safewords and all that good stuff. If he doesn't respect them, then no excuses - you leave.

I'm already concerned that he's hitting you harder than you can take even after you've mentioned to him, and even after he's had to hold you while you're crying as a result of it. If he can't control how hard he hits your face, then this has to be a hard limit. If he doesn't like it - you leave.

I'm also concerned that he's doing this stuff in the guise of 'punishment'. Have you really done something so terrible that it's ok for him to do this kind of stuff to you? I'm in a punishment dynamic, and if I have done something wrong then we discuss it, he tells me what the punishment is, I do it and then it's over. This guy seems to be making an excuse to do stuff you just wouldn't accept as 'play'.

I'm saying all this stuff in the hope it will help you if you decide to stay with him. But really, if it's as bad as you say it is, then you need to leave him.

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Post #: 12

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:13:52 PM

SinFix

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Joined: 4/1/2011
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Well, from the sound of it, you are doing the right things... I know this is the hardest time, you don't know each other very well and are still learning all the little ins and outs.. Just remember that both of you need to continually talk about everything ( I mean everything, even if you are worried about mentioning it) that way he knows what is going on, he is not a mind reader and can't know what scares or worries you if you don't tell him... Just slow down, keep rules and punishments easy and simple until both of you are comfortable building it up a step at a time...

(in reply to Babyslave90)

Post #: 13

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:16:44 PM

sinfulneeds

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Joined: 4/12/2008
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he sounds like my ex .. run girl ... run and never look back .. this is not a good dom ... this is a man with a problem..

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Post #: 14

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:17:10 PM

QueenRah

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Joined: 6/3/2005
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It doesn't matter how long it takes for you to recognize abuse as abuse. It doesn't matter how often you've rationalized the reality away. When/If you choose to leave someone who punishes in anger and cannot or will not control how far he goes, you will have the support of everyone who loves you, and virtually everyone here, too, if that matters. There is no shame in realizing your own worth, no matter how long it takes.

"I didn't realize how hard I was hitting you IN THE FACE, when I WAS ANGRY with you," is not something a responsible, informed dominant, would ever have to say. He needs to recognize and respect your limits, whether you are confident enough to set them, or not. And you need to be able to trust that he will not lash out, if you do address your concerns.

Best luck, baby.

QR

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Post #: 15

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:23:24 PM

anniezz338

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Joined: 8/17/2010
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Makes me wonder if alcohol was involved. It seems like he would know his own strength. If it's the first hit and he hits you that hard, abuse comes to mind. Does he build up the hits or is this the first hit that marks you? My last dom would hit me hard enough to put me "in the zone" but never hard enough to leave a mark.

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Post #: 16

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:24:22 PM

soldierlvr

Posts: 20
Joined: 9/14/2012
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My Master slaps me in the face frequently during sex...open handed and hard, but in three years has NEVER left a mark except once he slapped me while I was sucking his dick and my lip hit my tooth and it bled. He made me stop to make sure I was ok, but blood turns me on so we were ok with it.

My ex husband punched me and left bruises on me all the time. And he didn't even know what BDSM was, he was just an abusive asshole. My Master is in the army and is very strong and could easily hurt me, but he knows how hard he hits me. If your boyfriend doesn't know how hard he hits, maybe he should stop hitting until he figures it out.

(in reply to sinfulneeds)

Post #: 17

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:24:23 PM

VioletViolence

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/30/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: QueenRah

"I didn't realize how hard I was hitting you IN THE FACE, when I WAS ANGRY with you," is not something a responsible, informed dominant, would ever have to say. He needs to recognize and respect your limits, whether you are confident enough to set them, or not. And you need to be able to trust that he will not lash out, if you do address your concerns.

^This. A thousand times, this.

(in reply to QueenRah)

Post #: 18

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:24:40 PM

lizi

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Joined: 2/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Babyslave90

The first time was much worse and that was the first time we ever played together. But I antagonized it I was trying to be a bad ass saying he couldn't get too rough for me but I was wrong. So that was my fault.

No, it wasn't your fault. He is supposed to be in control, if he cannot be, then he should not be in a Dominant position. He's supposed to be aware of how hard he is hitting and where and when to do it, he's not supposed to be reacting out of emotions. He should have put in some time to research these things and understand how to do it safely...there are a lot of structures and nerves in the face that can be easily damaged. It doesn't take much to detach a retina or cause paralysis of a nerve - does he know any of this? If not then why not? If he's in a position of power he should know what he's doing.

You're going along for the ride and not safeguarding yourself...why? Why are you accepting this abusiveness and excusing it by saying he didn't mean to do it? You are in control of your own life, you need to be an adult and watch out for what you are letting happen to yourself. Even if you like what he's doing, you should be aware of the dangers yourself.

What he's doing should cause problems with your family, if you were my daughter I'd have him in jail already. He should realize that is a risk for him if he won't stop doing it for your sake, he could end up in jail easily with the stuff you two are doing.

(in reply to Babyslave90)

Post #: 19

RE: Some advice for a young slave? - 11/4/2012 12:27:35 PM

absolutchocolat

Posts: 1392
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punishment should never be given out of anger, and i'm wondering why you two don't have safe words.

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Post #: 20

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