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ORIGINAL: blimey69

Sounds like a weird statement, but there is a valid reason for the question. It is a novel down there but bear with it, its not much for over 40 years not realising exactly what I was, or could be.

For years, and I mean years. It has never ceased to amaze me that women say they want love and affection from a man. However when they get it, they can never get enough. They demand more. When it is not given the man is wrong and should obey the womans wishes. The ensuing arguments become more of a battle of wills. Most men seem to give in and become subserviant to the female. Those that leave,  are usually shunned due to their unreasonable unyeilding attitude.

For many years, due to my mothers upbringing, and her religious beliefs. It seems I was nothing short of brainwashed into believing the lessons she taught me on how to treat a woman with respect. A respect that now I feel repulses rather than pacifies and completes a womans role in the relationship.

My last partner was no different. I told her what would be, and for nearly a year and a half I got everything I told her I needed. In most ways. There were arguments, and I just stated that what I said was true and could not be changed.
However from the start I also told her that my actions would eventually break up the relationship. My demands would not be met, I would react badly. It would kill the perfection I had with her. I said this as this is the way it always ran. I now believe this is my mistake.
Well this year it did end. I ended it as I was not getting what I needed from it, and I was advised by her this was unacceptable. That was 7 months ago. I saw her and spoke to her over the past 2 weeks. In one mail she felt she had to advise me of something. She was told she was a natural sub. She had started her gorean training to become a kajira, and she thought it only right to let me know.

I really freaked for about a week, telling her that is all I wanted fom her n the first place. Subserviance and little if no dominance from her. that the master had become the slave, and that now she was giving someone else what I always wanted her to give without argument to me.
Anyway thats the crux of it, and since I have had time to digest and review what has happened. I have realised that in fact what I needed was to be the dominant factor all the time. It was like an epithany...sort of.

She had been told and accepted she was a complete sub and would not be happy until that lifestyle was hers. She accepted this yet still acted dominant towards me. It was a contradiction that at first I misread. After thinking about it, it made sense that if I had kept the dominant part of our relationship alive and not accepted what she said about a man not dominating a woman, we would probably be as we were at the start.
I started to review my life, and why my relationships failed due to my demands. It occured to me that in fact it was just ignorance to what  a women actually wanted. I got confused as it was always the fiesty unruly subs or sub characters I was attracted to.  

I read text at both ends of the scale From Gorean to part time subs, and what they got from that. I used to know a master and his slave. He let me use his slave. we also shared her once. All the time it never occured to me that was what she needed, not just what she wanted at the time.

Due to my upbringin/brainwashing it has only been since my partner left and explained what she needed, while refusing me what she actually wanted and I begged her to consider, that this is what I most desired. For reasons that are no longer relevant to her in her new life choice or her and her new master.

She still complained about my treatment to her, which she now accepted and enjoyed from her 'sir'. It made no sense at first but from what I had read, explained it completely.

She wanted to be dominated, I wanted to dominate, but because I hadnt at the end, she had found someone that would.

I thought at first it was spite on her part. But we both enjoyed the relationship immensly when I was allowed to dominate and dictate.

When that stopped we both hated the relationship we were in. It made no sense to me then. It worked as our roles were in tandem. Then failed when they changed.

Giving in to her made the relationship fail. We both detested what we had become.

This is how I feel now. I was the dominant inside which is why I left. She would not give me what I wanted, so I took myself away in the full knowledge this would cause her more pain. I wanted to punish her. Maybe even get her back under my terms. Not hers.

I had 7 months of being told how badly I had hurt her. How much I had done wrong. How much I needed to go back to take and continue to take the punishment. She was right I was wrong.

That is not me so I didnt. When this has happened in the past with others, I never have. I hate it. I want to say how it is, not be told.

Our ensuing arguments must have really angered her new master, as she could not stop trying the dom approach to my actions being unfair. I still dont think my actions were unfair. I think my last mail although maybe a little too emotional was fair.
I told her if she replied, I would carry on replying until she stopped. I think it was because I had to know my word was final not hers. When there was no reply in 2 days and still no reply to date it cemeted the decision to be a dom or switch.

I enjoyed the feeling from the command being obeyed so much, I was was ecstatic. I have not felt so alive and positive in over a year and a half with my ex. and only because she had actually obeyed a command I had given after my departure.

I now want so much more of this, I really do. Far more than to please the woman I am with. Treat her if she pleases, discipline if not. I do need boundaries. I do need to know where I stand. In terms of a BDSM lifestyle, there is discussion about expectations, demands limits. All of which seem to be left to chance from what most people would call a normal realtionship.

Maybe as I have discovered now, is the reason that most fail. I know the discussions I have had about my needs, being told that is ok, without the option to give discipline that is wanted as well as enjoyed. From what I have been told and from what I have read. This does seem to be the opinion of most intelligent submissive women. A need to be told, and not asked.

Still, my feelings are strong. I never want anything from her again . When I think about this more I start to feel a little more free. I research more on the internet. From the pshycological aspect as well as BDSM lifestyle, to Gorean. I read the blogs from slaves forums to try and understand more. Though I did stop that. Not sure whether it is ok or not. I dont see why not but I wanted to err on the side of caution. I want to be taken seriously. I do not want to upset a master and ruin the chance of the life I want, just because I am still ignorant of what is expected, or required.  .  

I never wanted and still do not want what subs/slaves desire and need. Sometimes though, I think from my upbringing I will need to be told.
No sorry, I need to be asked  by a sub if I will do something that is required to please. I may also miss something small that warrants a little discipline. that may make me weaker in the eyes of the sub, that I want to, or decide to be with.

I started to investigate the role of a switch to see if that may be more appropiate. Taking into account what I have been led to believe is the truth of women from my mother, that has actually turned out to be in my opinion now, complete rubbish. 

I am still unsure as to my role though. I know that I would not accept full Sub any of the time. I think all my failed relationships trying to be one reflect this.

I am not sure however as I have little experience, that a 24/7 or Dom role would suit either, the problem with that is due to past attitudes taught to me by my mother , and ones that have still got a hold in an auto reponse sense. I am not sure until I embrace this full on, whether any sub would realise and push without fear of reprisal. Thus defeating and destroying what I wish to become. What I should have been, No, would have been if not for the values taught me by a dominating mother. I really did rebel against her. I hated above all else being submissive to her. Im still not and she still hates it. As you can imagine, we dont talk much, and visit each other even less.

Switch would make sense, but then Dom training I would enjoy. the sub training I would hate.

Thats it really.

So after that information has been digested. Can any Master advise whether I am switch or Dom? Or need to be switch then Dom? 

How to start my training, and where to participate or gain mentoring to allow me to live the life I should already be living.

I think the slave that I know, and still talk to, finds it highly amusing I have at last found my way. She wouldnt say, but I do get that impression.
It sounds like although previously I was too soft, as she put it. She always thought this decision would be made by me....Eventually.
I do need guidance. I am very serious about starting any training required.

Being more angry about my ex subbing for a Master, and not being worried as to whether she had sex with him is a strange and unusal feeling. I want to explore what she wouldnt allow me to do, what I wanted in the past to do with her, with all the women I have had relationships with. To control in a way that I first thought was never wanted, but now I know is.

Thanks for your time. If any questions need to be asked before an answer is given. Please reply to this post.

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ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Just because she's a sub and you're a Dom does not mean that the relationship will work that way.

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ORIGINAL: blimey69
Its hard when there is no guidance only scorn. Yes I know I might deserve it. but the fact is, I dont understand why

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ORIGINAL: blimey69
Where do I start. Where do i find me? Where do I find the person with the paitence?

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I knew I needed training, just not sure in what. I now know.

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Am I switch or Dom?