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Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 9:26:20 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Around these parts we often hear tales of troubled relationships or bad experiences and point out things which should have been red flags from the start. We often encourage people to look back and try to identify warning signs that they might have overlooked in order to prevent history repeating itself.

Most of us have had a bad experience with a relationship, D/s or otherwise, or a situation which ended up being much more dangerous than we imagined. I thought it would be interesting to share examples of warnings signs that we have missed in the past, both as a way of allowing others to learn from our mistakes, and as a way of reassuring those who have had these problems that they're not alone.

This was inspired by the abuse thread, but I don't want to limit it to abusive relationships. I'm interested in any kind of missed red flag, be it about disastrous incompatibility or dangerously under-informed play partners.


Mine is fairly tame. My ex very quickly got into the habit of declining invitations to go out with friends or do anything other than spending time with me. It was flattering to begin with but in retrospect it was the first sign of near obsessive jealousy. She soon became jealous if I wanted to go anywhere and put on the guilt - she had given up so many things for me! That developed into being jealous if I didn't spend 5+ hours on the phone any night we weren't together. In a social setting she began to literally keep her hands on me at all times to mark her possession. It culminated in a dramatic slitting of her wrists in response to me wanting some alone time. She then followed me when I went to lunch with a friend, to show us both the dried blood on her wrists and be sure that we both knew my 'rejection' was the cause. But the attempts to isolate me and monopolize my attention happened gradually and were disguised by the new relationship fun. What I learned: alone time and socialising apart is healthy and not something I am willing to give up.

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 9:38:29 AM   
mysouldesire


Posts: 85
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline 		Red Flag: after several weeks of emailing and yahoo'ing . . . . the gent refuses to cam chat or verify himself on cam.
Red Flag: "I dont have a cam" bull crap, everyone has one now and usually skype is installed on all new computers in the last 5 yrs.
Red Flag: Communication is dead ended. I will use someone else's words here t better explain. "Most people have poor communications skills. I dislike it when I write a paragraph only to receive a dull sentence in return. It isn't always the volume of the text, but whether the content continues the conversation or not. I have nowhere to go when presented with a conversation terminating sentence."
Red Flag: When we begin to believe our perceptions instead of really paying attention to red flags.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 10:34:16 AM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Goes to show, one woman's trash...the biggest red flag to me is those who ask if I have a cam...I am willing to meet in person, I am not "letting you into my home" through web cam.

With my ex...the biggest red flag should have been how soon he wanted to discuss the "permanence" of our relationship.. He wanted to discuss marriage before he told me his full name.

(in reply to mysouldesire)
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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 10:36:35 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline 		I don't have a cam and never will, unless I happen to some day get grandkids that live hundreds of miles away.

I just wait for the voices in my head to throw a red flag. Whatever it is, no matter how silly it seems to me, I listen.

No good has ever come from me ignoring those voices. They are always right!

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yep

(in reply to mysouldesire)
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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 10:37:25 AM   
SacredDepravity


Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mysouldesire

Red Flag: after several weeks of emailing and yahoo'ing . . . . the gent refuses to cam chat or verify himself on cam.


I would refuse to verify on cam for several good reasons. Among them are not wanting my face out in the cyber world in a medium that is easily abused. Additionally, I just find it to be a bunch of bullshit. Get out from behind your computer and meet me. What the heck are you so afraid of? Oh, wait. That would take effort. And then there's...

quote:

Red Flag: "I dont have a cam" bull crap, everyone has one now and usually skype is installed on all new computers in the last 5 yrs.


...No, I really don't have a webcam. I have had no use for one. I may be getting one soon to talk to family across the country and if I do so, I wouldn't lie about it. I'll just flat out tell you no and why I don't find it a satisfactory means of communication, just as I did here.



Anyway...

Red flag: Violating my limits conceptually from the word go. I was new and I thought it was so hawt and dominant. It was actually asshattery.

Red flag: Never meeting a single friend, family member, coworker, etc. Either the individual didn't have any or no one was going to vouch for the person's character. Additionally, it could have also meant (and did) that our relationship was some sort of secret and one that couldn't get out.

Red flag: Restricted communication and personal information. The person had a landline phone number that was never offered. The person had a personal cell number that I was never offered. The only number I had was to a work cell phone that was turned off two full days a week and 16 of 24 hours the rest of the time. On top of it, the few times I did call I was severely reprimanded for doing so. If I sent too many (and the number varied as to what was too many) messages online, or stayed up too long waiting for the person to come online, then I was reprimanded. Often going weeks without contact. I only knew his address and where he worked because of peeking at the paperwork when we checked into a hotel once. NEVER being allowed to see the person at home. Every time it was a bad scene.

Red flag: Intentionally undermining my marriage and friendships. Along with this was orders to not talk about our special activities and "bond" and orders not to listen to any "outsider's" opinion of our relationship or activities.

Red flag: Violating limits when there were very few to begin with. Come on! There wasn't enough rope to play with? Just had to hang themselves with it instead.

Red flag: Encouraging unhealthy and even illegal behavior.

Red flag: Wanting total power exchange and offering no responsibility.

Red flag: Being investigated by the police and the FBI (final straw by the way)

Only a few.....

SD




(in reply to mysouldesire)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 10:47:17 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		I have no cam,won't get one and no way no how could you get me on one.
Let's see, red flags Ive hit over the years-
-Too good to be true syndrome.
-And creepily enough, people who throw out that they have young or teenage daughters real quick.That just gives me the squicks. makes me think I'm talking to LE, or a fake who wants to sucker me, or, worst of all, a true freak in all the wrong ways. No thank you.ngs looked promisii
-And yeah, I'm with you Athena. Met a gal from here once. Nice chick. We clicked like big time. Met, she was nice, sex was great. Things looked promising.
Then the emails began. One, two a day turned into twenty, thirty. Not just quick exchanges, but emotive tomes. And all of a sudden I realized that she was emotionally far more into this than i was, or would be, and that no way no how
could I keep up with her internal needs.
Yeah, that wasn't good.
Then, there was the chick I met who had no hand. That one was kinda, "WTF? When were you gonna mention this?" I mean, how the funk was I gonna handcuff her?


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to SacredDepravity)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 10:49:53 AM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline 		I'm pretty good about listening to my gutt, although after relationships have ended I've realized that there were signs long before.


_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to SacredDepravity)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 10:52:57 AM   
noellesdestiny


Posts: 94
Joined: 9/3/2012
Status: offline 		Not listening to my own intuition.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 10:54:30 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I've never found myself in a D/s relationship where I ignored the red flags and then woke up.

99% of the guys didn't make it past the first meeting. A few guys made it past the first date. Only a handful of guys ever made it past the third date.

I had guys lie about age, looks, jobs and marital/relationship status. I had guys that thought because I called myself submissive, I should just shut up and put out. I had guys that tried to strong arm or emotionally black mail me into doing things I wasn't comfortable with. I had some that became whiny or stalker-ish when I declined to see them again.

I held my boundaries firm and I'm really glad I did.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 10:54:53 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I don't have a cam or skype. But my computer's 10 years old.

Hell, The Man and I didn't even exchange pictures. We met sight unseen for coffee. And I'm still alive, how shocking.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to TheLilSquaw)
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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 10:57:41 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		My personal list of red flags:

Wanting to push the relationship into a dynamic far too soon.

Not being available by phone when not at work, not offering all phone numbers, anything that smacks of being married or attached.

Not being willing to meet right away.

When thwarted for any reason, has anger management issues or turns into a drama llama.

Actions not matching words.



_____________________________



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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 10:59:05 AM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't have a cam or skype. But my computer's 10 years old.

Hell, The Man and I didn't even exchange pictures. We met sight unseen for coffee. And I'm still alive, how shocking.


I have a webcam but i wont use it to verify.
You want that, meet me for coffee or lunch.

I meet my partner, sight unseen as well.
After a single phone call none the less!
We survived it as well.

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 11:04:56 AM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline 		Oh man I could not keep up communication that much every night. I am way too much of an introvert. I too would have backed off very quickly.

Way back before I met my husband there was this guy that was always trying to talk to me and get me to go out just once. I gave in and it ended up being the worst mistake ever. One meaningless date in my head was some sort of lifetime commitment in his. I was young and stupid and laughed it off even when other people were worried. It ended ok once I moved but now being older and wiser I know what could have happened, so red flag. If creepy guy will not leave you alone do not give in and go on a date out of pity.

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Submission is a gift that must be earned. It can be given, but never taken


(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 11:43:03 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		She said, "I'll really broke down and took some time off after my last relationship ended".
In reality: She had a mental breakdown, her kids were taken away and she was committed for stalking.


. . . do background checks is all I am sayin'. They hide those red flags everywhere.



_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Moonlightmaddnes)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 11:45:22 AM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

She said, "I'll really broke down and took some time off after my last relationship ended".
In reality: She had a mental breakdown, her kids were taken away and she was committed for stalking.


. . . do background checks is all I am sayin'. They hide those red flags everywhere.





Geesh.


_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 11:52:10 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		When my ex treated the waitress badly on our first date and he never smiled.

Should have run.

I did not miss the red flags, I ignored them because I did not think it would turn into anything other than a post divorce fling with a young guy.

Boy, was I wrong.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 12/30/2012 11:53:45 AM >

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 1:49:40 PM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		I'm like sexyred... I think I just ignored the flags cause I wanted to believe in the fairytale... again, we were just supposed to be friends and I had no intentions of falling for him..

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 1:57:25 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

She said, "I'll really broke down and took some time off after my last relationship ended".
In reality: She had a mental breakdown, her kids were taken away and she was committed for stalking.


. . . do background checks is all I am sayin'. They hide those red flags everywhere.



Ya know, stalking a sadist might not be the brightest of ideas

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 2:12:25 PM   
VioletViolence


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/30/2012
Status: offline 		These are from different guys, I'm just going to list them as they pop into my head

1) Hearing the words "I have major trust issues" less than a week into the relationship
2) Hearing the words "I love you" less than a week into the relationship
3) Talking about getting married in 6 months and having a baby when we'd been dating for 2 weeks
4) Him telling me "I burn through girlfriends in about three months"
5) Bashing his ex's, while taking no responsibility for his part in the relationship falling apart
6) Wanting to spend all our free time together. Like, ALL our free time, except when he got pissed at me and wanted his own space.
7) Getting mad when I don't immediately text back, even when out with friends or at work
8) Wanting me to install an app that shows someone where you are at all times
9) Snooping through my phone and email
10) Treating me like shit because of past trauma and bad relationships. I am not your ex's, don't take their mistakes out on me.
11) Demanding all sorts of things right off the bat, while refusing to do the same things in return because I haven't "earned them yet" and other blatantly hypocritical behaviors
12) Fucking me without a condom before we'd agreed to do so

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/30/2012 3:18:43 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana


quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

She said, "I'll really broke down and took some time off after my last relationship ended".
In reality: She had a mental breakdown, her kids were taken away and she was committed for stalking.


. . . do background checks is all I am sayin'. They hide those red flags everywhere.



Ya know, stalking a sadist might not be the brightest of ideas

I can't imagine it turning out well for anyone stalking Kana.

Just sayin'

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 20
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