njlauren
Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
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I think part of the problem is people tend to look at BD/SM entirely in its kink play form, that it is entirely about being hyped up at the thought of being whipped or tied up, that a D/s or M/s relationship is some cold hearted dom/me with a new toy that they don't care about, and while it is very possible to have play relationships that are about only sex (like fuck buddies), in the end BD/SM relationships are, well, relationships. My take on it is that people place far too much importance on the BD/SM part and forget the human part, and that is where it is lacking. As others have said well on here, what attracts you to the person, sub or domme, is a lot more then that aspect of yourself; while, for example, a dom/me might be looking for a well trained sub, if they find someone who is a well trained sub, but to them is boring/needy/a SAM, or otherwise unattractive, they will likely pass on the person, where if they find someone they strike a chord with, they have a great time, converse, laugh, talk about a favorite book, how stupid a movie is, how much butter popcorn should have, whatever, then the rest is likely to flow. A sub not well trained or not at all can be trained, that aspect can be worked on, but if the basic match is there, it will work.
As a sub, that fantastic looking domme in the pvc dress might be eye candy, but if we talk and that is all she can talk about, I likely would move on, or the male of the species in his leather vest or whatever, might be as boring as dogshit. One of the hottest dommes I ever met (I was a long gone married person by then), was a woman who didn't wear fancy fetish clothing, even in play space, she was a bit what most people would consider overweight, technically wasn't gorgeous but if I wasn't attached, I would have jumped at the chance to get to know her. Wicked sense of humor, incredible empathy for people, understanding, yet one of those people you know damn well if she asked you to do something, you would do it in a flash (I think it was her eyes, striking dark blue eyes:). BTW just my opinion, but quite frankly, IME there is a lot less of the pickiness about looks in the BD/SM world, at least in my experience while there are obviously some stunning people, it just didn't strike me that with most people it didn't matter as much, I saw a lot of people, male and female, who would be considered ordinary looking, more then a few overweight, or otherwise not tv anchor level in looks, and it didn't matter much. Yep, there is that tall redhead in the leather dress type, but there also are dominant women who could be at a book club or something:)
Want to know something? You aren't bad looking at all, even in that picture, and one of the biggest turn ons for a domme is going to be self confidence. The outside world builds this image *gag* of subs being lacking self worth, doormats, but if you think about it, if you are looking for a total relationship, maybe leading to marriage or long term living together, she is still going to want someone she can be proud of, self confident, strong, and yes, able to take care of her while taking her direction, however you want to do that. Among other things,she is going to want to respect you as a person I suspect, the lowly worm domme is a thing of fiction IME, and the ones I do know that fit that are not particularly what I would call a real relationship, for a variety of reasons.
One hint, I agree with the others, clean up your profile, if you are looking for a relationship with a dominant female, then get rid of the pictures with other women, and instead of concentrating on pictures showing you in fetish positions or whatever, focus on writing the profile, talking about yourself, what you see as your interests, what you are looking for, sell yourself as a person first and sub second. Obviously listen to what the dominant women on here are writing, since they are your target audience, they are much wiser then I for obvious reasons, but I also think I can put myself in their place and that is what I would be looking for. If I was looking for a play buddy then all the laundry list of things they do, don't do, might interest me, but for a relationship, I would want a taste of the whole person.
I agree with others about getting involved, groups are a great way to meet people, unless things have changed, you can get new people attending the open meetings, so even if existing people all seem hooked up, singles do happen.
My other thought is don't leave out the possibility of finding a domme who doesn't know she is one yet, that rather then trying to find someone who already is in the world, maybe hope on finding someone outside who might want to come in. As much as it seems to be reviled, 50 shades of gray, at the very least, has gotten it somewhat out there, so potentially at the least a woman might be curious. I am speaking from personal experience with this, though we are on hiatus (have been for a number of reasons), my wife was vanilla as they come, then when I came out to her as sub, we kind of had an epiphany. It could be you will find most women aren't interested or are weirded out by it, but so what, people seem to forget that is what dating is for..you find someone you like, you date, if it works, you keep going, if you don't, you find someone else. Worse thing that can happen is you find someone you like, you a bit into it explain what you like, and either they will be intrigued or will say no...... It is kind of like buying off the shelf or making something custom, introducing someone to this can be really interesting, helping them find their level, their needs and desires, and growing together. It is a lot harder in some ways then trying to hook up with someone who is already id'ed as domme, but it also can be an incredible experience, too:)
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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 
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