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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 10:46:43 PM   
Extravagasm


Posts: 230
Joined: 9/22/2004
Status: offline 		Charlie . . . Being REJECTED makes you FEEL unattractive. It's as natural as could be. Except that you go a little far, and MIX the two. Your own words show how you do:
quote:

OP post 37: Halfway through the video, the Lady mentions to me if I would like to be Her slave. Naturally she is attractive and I thought about the idea. I figured I would see what happens. [You demurred.] I didn't hear from Her for over a month and I finally got a hold of Her on Fetlife. She said after thinking about it for awhile, that I wasn't Her "type". It was quite clear to me what exactly that meant. [She said "type". You heard "looks".]
OP post 41: I know it wasn't my personality because she made it clear it was my looks. [How so] She was nice about it. Who knows, maybe after talking with some friends. I mean, she really does have the body of a porn star. Plus, I think she had a boyfriend in that respect, she was looking for a slave [which is why you got ahold of her] or so she said anyways.

People don't decide your looks by talking with friends ! ! Her having a porn body didn't change your looks, from the time she posed for you. Having a bf didn't change her view of your looks. Wanting a slave didn't change your looks. These are all areas OUTSIDE of looks. She didn't decide, based on your looks. She rejected you, but that's the same as looks, to you. Rejection makes you feel unattractive. Fair enough.

Gonna help you, because it's your actions. Looking in the mirror is not the way:
quote:

OP Charles6682 post 41: If I felt my personality was the issue, then I would have just looked in the mirror to fix my own problems and spare everyone hours.

That's nonsense. No self-help book is based on looking in the mirror, Charlie. Ever cure anything serious that way? I doubt it since you have negative feelings about what you see in the mirror.

Charles, my man, there's a scene in Dumb and Dumber, you may have seen it. Where Jim Carrey DREAMS of the girl on his arm, while everyone dotes on his words. Then he sees her approach steadily in the dark, a bright vision of undressing lust, eyes locked on him. . . when awakened by an oncoming truck. That truck is reality. It's a fucking brilliant expose of the passive wet dream. Laugh on it.

Then throw it out. It's passive. Carrey doesn't lift a finger. Won't happen. Lots of women, facing the choice between the good-looker who waits, and the less-looker who risks approaching. . . yes Lots and lots of women fall for the guy who will risk trying for her [Could be you]. If he STAYS in that mode.

Despite losing maybe 30 pounds, you're pretty sure your looks disqualify you from getting a model. But if you read the tabloids, they can't hold their men anyway. Was once there, and I do not speak from ignorance. Please copy what RedMagic told you and put it where you sleep.

quote:

RedMagic1 post 39: Your looks were good enough for her to express interest soon after meeting you in person. . . . Did you ask for her phone number? Did you say, "Thanks so much, would you enjoy it if I took you out to dinner and miniature golf so we got to know each other better?" If I had to guess, I'd say she cooled on the idea because you gave off a can't-do attitude. Incidentally, miniature golf is a great date . . . and your date gets to see how you behave in both victory and defeat. It's a great way to get a snapshot of someone's character

Read it morning and night. Your actual dreams have to become pro-active in order to get what you deserve. Then something dynamic can happen. I've done it. You can too.

. . .

< Message edited by Extravagasm -- 2/24/2013 11:36:22 PM >

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 11:44:25 PM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		Extravagsm might have something there. And it occurs to me that, for example, one of my favorite actresses (not because she can act) has a long history of not being able to keep a man.

Her name is Halle Berry.

Clearly, looks aren't everything. And look at that violent clown she is with right now.

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 1:13:13 AM   
TAFKAA


Posts: 382
Joined: 1/5/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

I'm sure its possible to have a healthy,BDSM type of relationship without having looks be the final issue.But how common are these type of relationships?I've been in a few vanilla relationships before.I never really had too much of an issue finding a girlfriend.Now finding a Domme,thats a whole other ballgame.Please let me explain.
The problem you have is that by deciding to be a typical male submissive you toss away 90%+ of what attracts women to men. I'm serious.

Dommes are still women. They are still attracted by the same essential things which attract most other women. Masculinity, dominance and so on. What the Dommes I've spoken to want is to conquer an already powerful man. The President of the United States, for example.

The problem with most male subs is that they're pussies who are desperate to submit. They become pathetic and so their ability to attract a Domme is almost nil.

Basically, I'd suggest you butch the fuck up, go out and learn to be powerful but only submit to a Domme who passes YOUR tests. This is the male equivalent of what female subs do, despite the fact that they're submitting to male Doms.

Lack of self-respect and being easily won by any Domme who tosses her little flogger in your direction is what harms your chances.

quote:

In a vanilla relationship,looks were not the main reason why I would go out with someone.Personality has always been a priority for me.
Bullshit dude. Men fuck the hottest chick they can. No man on the planet chooses to fuck the dumpy chick if he can bang the hot cheerleader.

quote:

After the sexual fun is done in a vanilla relationship,one can still get along with their partner and maybe watch a movie,talk about life and so on.
Jesus Christ dude, where the fuck are your balls? After the sexual fun is done, the bitch should cook your fucking eggs. Priorities!

quote:


Is any of that even possible in a D/S relationship.Sure,there are exceptions but is it the rule?Since it seems alot of D/S relationship seem to be based on sexual energy,after that,then what?

I mention all of this because I realize I do not have the looks or the money of a Brad Pitt.So in all honesty,how far in this lifestyle does that leave me.For every Domme out there,theres probaly 20 "subs/slaves" out there.Since someone like me has to compete with guys who clearly have much better looks and much more money than I do,the fact is someone like me can't compete with that.
Your frame is entirely wrong. Period.

Instead of thinking, "I want to find a Domme who'll take me", you should be thinking "I'm going to find a Domme worthy of me." The fact that you think being a male sub means you need to be obsequious and begging for their attention is part of the problem.

You know what gets a woman's attention? Accomplishment. Strength. Power. Confidence. The fact that Dommes want to dominate doesn't change the fundamental fact that they're women.


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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 2:57:31 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Extravagasm

Charlie . . . Being REJECTED makes you FEEL unattractive. It's as natural as could be. Except that you go a little far, and MIX the two. Your own words show how you do:

People don't decide your looks by talking with friends ! ! Her having a porn body didn't change your looks, from the time she posed for you. Having a bf didn't change her view of your looks. Wanting a slave didn't change your looks. These are all areas OUTSIDE of looks. She didn't decide, based on your looks. She rejected you, but that's the same as looks, to you. Rejection makes you feel unattractive. Fair enough.

I think you and I are reading two different threads. If I'm wrong, the OP can correct Me.

The situation, as I understand it, is that said "lady" basically pretended to have an interest in the OP for the benefit of a video. It wasn't a case of her posing for him. Basically, he participated in the video for free. Many male bottoms receive no compensation in these productions because they are either so desperate to play or because the chick is hot. In this case, the lady in question dangled the 'want to be My slave' carrot in front of the OP to try to get better reactions from him during the film. It's also a trick to get the male to sign that nice release form because it puts him in the frame of mind that there might be some potential for something more than just using the male bottom for the duration of the recording. It happens a LOT. The woman wasn't really interested in him. She was just using what was at her disposal to get the ink dry on the contract.


quote:

Gonna help you, because it's your actions. Looking in the mirror is not the way:

That's nonsense. No self-help book is based on looking in the mirror, Charlie. Ever cure anything serious that way? I doubt it since you have negative feelings about what you see in the mirror.

I believe the OP was using a common expression for self reflection about resolving issues that aren't necessarily on the outside. The term "looking in the mirror" is a common phrase when people are looking to themselves about their own issues. For example, let's say a person has a fear of abandonment. It's not that any past lover has left them. Instead, they may have had a father that cheated on their mother and the father wasn't really emotionally available in the household. That is something that a person has to look inside of themselves to over come. In other words, looking in the mirror for self reflection.


quote:

Charles, my man, there's a scene in Dumb and Dumber, you may have seen it. Where Jim Carrey DREAMS of the girl on his arm, while everyone dotes on his words. Then he sees her approach steadily in the dark, a bright vision of undressing lust, eyes locked on him. . . when awakened by an oncoming truck. That truck is reality. It's a fucking brilliant expose of the passive wet dream. Laugh on it.

Then throw it out. It's passive. Carrey doesn't lift a finger. Won't happen. Lots of women, facing the choice between the good-looker who waits, and the less-looker who risks approaching. . . yes Lots and lots of women fall for the guy who will risk trying for her [Could be you]. If he STAYS in that mode.

I'm actually going to give you this one. "Faint heart never won fair lady." Again, this goes back to way more male submissives than female Dominants. When competition is fierce, a person can not sit on the sidelines and wait for the coach to put him in the game.

I'm going to skip that nonsense about what happens in the tabloids. I don't care and neither should anybody else. I mean, other than so-called beautiful people sometimes make bad relationship choices, too, what was really the point?




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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 5:51:57 AM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		I am not seeking a one night stand or any of that.I am seeking a relationship.If all I wanted was a "wham,bam,thank you Ma'am",I can easily find that without a problem.But thats not what I am seeking here.Theres a difference bewteen seeking a relationship and just seeking play partners.

I don't seeing doing videos as being deseperate either.It was something I did on my off time.I got paid for what I did.Most of the girls I have shot with have always enjoyed shooting with me because I have always been respectful and professional.Sure,theres some sleezy videos producers but there are also a few descent video producers out there.Theres good people and bad people everywhere.Just like there are descent people and sleezy people here on Collarme as well.Take the good with the bad.

< Message edited by Charles6682 -- 2/25/2013 5:56:09 AM >

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 6:00:18 AM   
thursdays


Posts: 143
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline 		Something of a curate's egg this one Awareness.


This is bullshit...

quote:

ORIGINAL: TAFKAA

Men fuck the hottest chick they can. No man on the planet chooses to fuck the dumpy chick if he can bang the hot cheerleader.


I would have always gone for the dirtiest one.

On the other hand, this is golden...

quote:


Instead of thinking, "I want to find a Domme who'll take me", you should be thinking "I'm going to find a Domme worthy of me." The fact that you think being a male sub means you need to be obsequious and begging for their attention is part of the problem.

You know what gets a woman's attention? Accomplishment. Strength. Power. Confidence.


Even this isn't bad...

quote:


The fact that Dommes want to dominate doesn't change the fundamental fact that they're women.



Except that I'd have said "The fact that Dominant people want to dominate doesn't change the fundamental fact that they're people.

On account of my being very attracted inded to Accomplishment. Strength. Power. Confidence. in a sub.

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 6:05:15 AM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		The sleezy producers and some of those girls will use their looks,the money to their advantage.When I shoot a video,I keep myself sober.I don't really drink alcohol anyways.Sadly,I would see where some of the male volunteers would be under the influence and clearly not thinking at 100% level.I guess its alot easier to manipulate someone who is under the influence.It can be a shallow industry,I agree.But again,it varies on the video producer.Some are respectful and descent.As for the girls who shoot,again,that varies on the girl.Some girls I felt 100% comfortable shooting with and some girls clearly should not being doing this stuff.Some are just men haters who view these videos as a way to beat a guy up and get paid to do it.

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 6:22:02 AM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		Another advice I will take on this board is that I should go to more BDSM social outings.I haven't had much of a chance to do that in the past few months because I have been busy.I finally moved about 2 weeks ago here in St.Pete.I now live in a much nicer area and the local Fetish clubs are alot closer too.Theres 2 fetish clubs that are probaly 10 miles from here.That does make a huge difference.I'll go where the Dommes go.

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 6:50:49 AM   
EligibleOwner


Posts: 51
Joined: 10/16/2009
From: London
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TAFKAA
Men fuck the hottest chick they can. No man on the planet chooses to fuck the dumpy chick if he can bang the hot cheerleader.


I don't agree with you on this. I'm sceptical of the whole idea of "hotness", and not really interested in it. Perhaps there's a particular sort of pervert who fancies Velma much more than Daphne - in which case, I'm it! I know, because they've told me, that some women and some men think I have "strange taste in women". But honestly, the sort of women who's typically said to be "hot" really does often seem bland to me. It probably says much more about me than about them, but I often wonder if men who say they think a certain woman is "hot" really mean it, or if there's some sort of male bonding/social compliance game going on. Anyway, I don't think we're all the same when it comes to this sort of thing.

quote:


You know what gets a woman's attention? Accomplishment. Strength. Power. Confidence. The fact that Dommes want to dominate doesn't change the fundamental fact that they're women.


This I certainly do agree with, though. The word I'd add is energy. Maybe "activity", too. I suspect a submissive man could make himself desirable to the right sort of woman by showing what a really impressive "senior aide" he could be to her.

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 7:00:22 AM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		Also,not every male sub is some desperate guy just waiting to get abused by any Woman that walks by.In my day to day living,I can certainly be assertive when I need to be.I also know how to defend myself.If I some some punk bully picking on somebody weaker than them,you better dam believe I'd be right there to stop that.Submission and kindness do not always equal weakness.I am a human being first and I believe in doing the right thing.

I do agree that there are some male subs who could benefit from treatment.I've talked to therapist about this and the DSM,(what Doctors use to diagnose mental illness) actually mentions these things in greater detail.Luckily,I had a good friend who also had a degree in pyschology who was always very open minded and understanding.Not all therapists are BDSM friendly.Good thing for my friend,I felt very comfortable talking to her about all of this,plus it was all free!She assured me I was not crazy,lol,As long as it does not interupt someones day to day living.It can be easy for someone who is already depressed to be taking advantage of by those who may not have that person best interest at heart.

Last,being a open submissive for me requires strength.I have talked with Dommes who do view submissives has people with a strong backbone.Those are really the Dommes I should be listening to.

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 7:01:59 AM   
Charles6682


Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline 		Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Maybe it sounds too simple but its true

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 7:07:26 AM   
Level


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Status: offline 		Velma was a freak.




Attachment (1)

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 7:13:44 AM   
Level


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Status: offline 		Charles, you seem bright and decent enough of a guy. If you don't feel confident enough in your own skin, hit the weights, make sure the hygene is covered, dress nicely, etc. Put the correct amount of effort in bringing yourself up, to match how important this is for you.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
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Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 7:33:02 AM   
EligibleOwner


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Status: offline 		Yes, I think I must like them nerdy.

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 7:42:27 AM   
cordeliasub


Posts: 528
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quote:

ORIGINAL: EligibleOwner

Yes, I think I must like them nerdy.


Thank you so much for putting THIS in my head.....

White n Nerdy

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 7:57:21 AM   
TheLilSquaw


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Velma was a freak.






OMFG I love this picture of Velma Level!



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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 7:57:53 AM   
Extravagasm


Posts: 230
Joined: 9/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

LadyPact post66: In this case, the lady in question dangled the 'want to be My slave' carrot in front of the OP . . . .The woman wasn't really interested in him. She was just using what was at her disposal to get the ink dry on the contract.

You're a thoughtful reader LP, so your additions are appreciated. I lack experience filming male bottom videos, so would defer to you . . . except there's this: The OP did them. He's seen something of the pitfalls. And right or wrong, HE took her seriously enough to follow up. So some of us were edging, if you're gonna follow up, makes no sense not to try your best. Think positive. Don't wait. Try coffee or meal.

But then we come to the rejection. He reads that as all over his appearance. If I understand you, it's really a ploy the top would use on whatever person, in order to get the shoot right and release signed. So the OP really needs to understand that earlier in this thread or from now on. I'm not sure he does. Cause he still placed much emphasis on looks, instead of on being procedurally fooled. That's his point in his thread.

Now mirror looking, yes, was his way of saying introspection. But he ISN'T using it, until convinced away from being all about his looks.
quote:

OP: If I felt my personality was the issue, then I would have just looked in the mirror to fix my own problems and spare everyone hours.

So if and when he ever gets past his appearance complex, then IMHO he needs a strategy to build strong relationships, sub or otherwise. A better strategy than self introspection/mirror looking. That won't do much for him without direction, purpose or skilled guidance.
Your hypothetical example of fear of abandonment would be much the same--require a bit more than self-thinking to overcome. That's why other posters had suggested relationship counseling. In the absence of that, RedMagic1 and I suggested at least he develop a proactive dating approach. Which I recognize you agreed.

One other thing I didn't mentioned til now. I'm wondering if the OP should strongly consider returning to vanilla dating. Since he maintains he's had better experience there. He always has the possibility of eventually submitting more to the right girlfriend.

. . . .


< Message edited by Extravagasm -- 2/25/2013 8:29:54 AM >

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 8:06:17 AM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
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From: Middle River, MD
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682


I don't seeing doing videos as being deseperate either.It was something I did on my off time.I got paid for what I did.Most of the girls I have shot with have always enjoyed shooting with me because I have always been respectful and professional.Sure,theres some sleezy videos producers but there are also a few descent video producers out there.


By no means was I saying all male bottoms are desperate but as a female producer, I can tell you many of the male bottoms who approach me to do videos are. That is however, how many of the fetish producers who do videos and clips see male bottoms and frankly many feed off that desperation.

Many male bottoms who do videos are also wonderful to work with and I often work with them on a normal basis.That is my preference.

I would NEVER say their aren't decent producers out there, I am one and I also have had the pleasure both as a producer and model to work with many professional and talented producers and GWC.

ETA: You would be amazed at the emails both me and my male primary partner get from male bottoms. It would make you go WTF, where the hell did that come from. Lol




< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 2/25/2013 8:12:41 AM >

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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 8:25:36 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		FR:

How much looks matter to a person has nothing to do with BDSM, it has to do with how shallow they are. You know, I've been with a man so drop dead gorgeous women's mouths would gape open when he walked in the room. But we didn't last long, he was a dickhead -- one who continued to pursue me b/c he didn't understand for me, looks alone won't cut it, you need to have a brain you can use, a good sense of humor, and a personality I find pleasing.

I agree that a female has to find you attractive, but if you base all your criteria on looks, don't be surprised if those are the ones who are doing the same. What you lack in physical perfection you can make up in personality. If nothing else you can avoid people (like one who has commented on this thread but who shall remain nameless) who put the 'S' in shallow.



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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/25/2013 8:44:04 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
Charles, you seem bright and decent enough of a guy. If you don't feel confident enough in your own skin, hit the weights, make sure the hygene is covered, dress nicely, etc. Put the correct amount of effort in bringing yourself up, to match how important this is for you.

This is exactly my thought. In the end the market is as it is. If you don't want to compete then don't. If you want to play the game then you need to play to win.


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