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RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 1:54:56 PM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline

Theres no such thing as a stupid question.I ask these questions to try to learn more about who I am and try to understand this lifestyle better.As with life in general,I am always trying to find out more about who I am and the world around me.0

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Charley aka Sub Guy

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(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 41

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 1:59:50 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Charles, it doesn't sound that awful to me. She expressed some interest but changed her mind. That's probably happened to everyone at some point.

You've had relationships and play in the past. So some people have found you attractive. You're a grown man, I'm sure you understand that everyone has different ideas of what is appealing. If I'm honest, I find you very average. You don't strike me as particularly bad or good looking. I bet when you make an effort you look great. Looks-wise, you'd be on my 'give him a chance list' if it wasn't for the things in your profile which would put me off - the photos of other women and the poorly-edited, kink focused text.

What are you hoping to get from this? People have told you that looks aren't everything. People have given you tips to help you stand out.

If you feel taken advantage of when you do these films, perhaps you should stop doing them. Otherwise, people not wanting to have you as their sub doesn't mean they are taking advantage of you - it's just life.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 42

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 1:59:57 PM

njlauren

Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

There is a reason why I brouht this topic up and its based on my own experience from a month ago.I shot a video at this Ladies house.For anyone whos shot a video,its simple,the top/bottom and camera person.The Lady I was shooting with is sort of known in the local fetish arena.When I shoot a video with a Lady,I don't expect anything other than doing a good video.Anything beyond that,is a a one on one basis.Halfway through the video,the Lady mentions to me if I would like to be Her slave.Naturally,she is attractive and I thought about the idea.I figured I would see what happens.

I didn't hear from Her for over a month and I finally got a hold of Her on Fetlife.She said after thinking about it for awhile,that I wasn't Her "type".It was quite clear to me what exactly that meant.I really would not have cared so much if it wasn't for the fact that SHE brought up the idea of me being Her slave.I am almost to the point where I am ready to just give up.If its true that the odds are stacked against me this much,then I do need to start to consider all options.My problem is that I am a nice guy and my kindness has been taken advantage of for really the last time.I know this last experience was with one girl but I've had simliar reactions from other girls too.I get it,I'm not that good looking.I can live with that.I can't live wih my emotions getting pulled all the time.I love who I am but it is sort of useless living this way alone.

My first thought to be honest is what the heck did she mean asking you if you wanted to be her slave? I realize people's use of the term varies, but to my ears that sounded a bit ridiculous to be saying casually like that...I really wonder if she meant a relationship, or did she perhaps wonder about you as her personal photographer slave? Maybe it is me, but sounded more like a casual throw out rather then real.....My guess, she wasn't really serious, she threw it out there and never had any intention..but what do I know?

But I also see something else wrong here, and it is something I fought hard in my own life to correct in myself, I tend to be passive. You may be sub, but unless it is certain Islands in the south pacific and certain bars in greeenwich village (to quote Oscar Madison on the "Odd Couple", rip Jack Klugman), men chase women.....:). Seriously, she might be dominant, but that doesn't mean she is necessarily going to pursue or woo her, you may be sub, but it is your job to pursue her. If someone said that to me, I would show interest, and say something like "could I have your number? I would love to take you out to dinner someplace nice sometime to talk about it or dinner and dancing, whatever. I have known a bunch of dommes, and even the most wacked out one appreciates being shown interest, attention, as a woman and as a person. You seemed to have sat back and waited for her to make a move, and she probably thought 'geez, another 'sub' expecting me to treat him like a little boy and bring him along'. I doubt it was your looks (if it were, she wouldn't have even suggested it), I suspect it was she saw your were passive and didn't want to deal with that..it comes along with the self confidence and such.

I have a suggestion for you, and please, take it for what it is, a suggestion with all good intentions in the world. Have you thought about talking to a relationship counselor, to talk through these things, preferable someone aware of domme/sub relationships? There are a lot of wonderful people on here, fascinating people, who know a lot, are very expressive, but working with a professional can be a game changer. It isn't that you have anything wrong with you, you simply need to learn what is inside yourself, what you want, and they can help guide you to do that. I sense your frustration and understand it, this is channeling the frustration into something positive:)

< Message edited by njlauren -- 2/24/2013 2:02:53 PM >

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 43

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 2:12:25 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I'll be honest. In any kind of relationship, be vanilla or bdsm, the first thing that attracts me to someone is their physical looks. If I don't find you physically attractive, no matter how nice or "perfect" you would be for me, I'm just not going to get past that. Looks are important for me, but they are not the end all to be all. I need the entire package....looks, brains, confidence, charisma, finances, etc....if any one of those are missing then it's just not going to work for me. Thankfully I found all of that in one package.

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(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 44

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 2:21:32 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

Charles6682,

I'm sure I can't be the only one that doesn't base compatibility on looks. I didn't when I was vanilla and I still don't now. I look more for compatible personalities, sense of humor, common interests(at least some of them), things like that. If a guy was outright repulsive to me, yeah, then I'd back away, but I haven't met too many that are outright repulsive.

I know you weren't looking for profile critique, but I think the camera angle of your main pic doesn't do you justice and all the pics of other women should go bye bye. Women don't usually like to see multiple pics of other women in a guy's profile, to be honest. Get some reasonably nice pics of yourself taken and put those up. And write more about you as a person up at the top of your profile because that's the first part a person reads and you want to make a good first impression.

NBMG

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I'm now SweetlySadistic1 on CollarSpace. NBMG is an old profile, please see my new one.

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 45

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 2:25:24 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel
Add to that being unattractive and trying to get dates in a medium where if you're picture doesn't entice them to get to know you they likely won't ever find out about the more positive qualities.

Ladies? Is that the truth?

For me? Yeah that's true. I really had no interest meeting Master for two years because he had a blurry photo and just figured he was nothing more than someone to bullshit online with late at night. The only reason I agreed to meet him was because I figured it would give me a chance to get out a little since I felt I needed a break from work and life.

But if he had posted a photo which I wasn't attracted to, no I would not have bothered to meet him at all. He would have remained a late night chat buddy.

Yeah, I'm shallow. Sue me.

ETA: She said you weren't her type. Did she specifically say she just doesn't find you physically attactive? How do you know it wasn't about your personality or something else? Unless she said straight up that it was your looks, you really don't have a clue. It sounds to me that at the time she was in domspace after the play and when in domspace she said something that was emotional instead of rational. After the domspace wore off, she realized you just were not what she was looking for. It could have been for a million reasons which you will never know unless she said to you "you're ugly" or "I don't find you physically attractive'.

People here have given you great advice about your photos, profile and life in general. Use it. Otherwise continue to be single.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 2/24/2013 2:33:20 PM >

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Post #: 46

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 2:39:40 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

Clearly many of the girls I have shot videos with are quite attractive.I am realistic in knowing that not every "Domme" out there is going to look like a skinny supermodel.Like I said,I don't care about looks.That does come and go.Personality is for me far more important than looks.I don't care to seek a one night stand or some play session.I am seeking someone I could have a serious,real D/S,TPE type of relationship.Yes,I've had girlfriends before but there was a reason I decided to come open about who I am.I didn't want my submissive nature to come as a shock to any future girl.Domme or girlfriend.Thats why I figured I might as well try to find a Domme,someone who already understands this way of life.Thats so much easier said than done.

Gotta give you credit Charles....with your photos and your quite specific profile, you're out as much as anyone can be. Tough to do for a male sub. Kudos to you.

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 47

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 2:45:25 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I think that plays against him for a relationship though. A lot of women are not going to want a guy who has videos of himself out everywhere or possibly be recognized by others. Most women are not going to want to be outed by being associated with him.

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Everything has changed

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Post #: 48

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 2:57:34 PM

GotSteel

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Yes. However, don't take it to mean what appears on the surface.

On the net, people discount folks for instantaneous information that wouldn't matter as much if there was a personality factor included. Those things, from what I've seen, include appearance, age, weight, most certainly writing ability, and everything that doesn't come across as 'perfect'.

That's a good way to put it. This might not matter so much on a nilla dating site or if the OP were into a kink more popular with women, but he's into something where the numbers are not in his favor.

< Message edited by GotSteel -- 2/24/2013 2:59:09 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 49

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 3:06:55 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

I know it wasn't my personality because she made it clear it was my looks.She was nice about it.Who knows,maybe after talking with some friends.I mean,she really does have the body of a porn star.Plus,I think she had a boyfriend in that respect,she was looking for a slave,or so she said anyways.If I felt my personality was the issue,then I would have just looked in the mirror to fix my own problems and spare everyone hours of long conversations on this very topic.

Charles, there is something that I want you to do.

I want you to contact a poster named cloudboy and make an inquiry about a blog link that he posted some time back. It focuses on the way some male bottoms are the bottom of the barrel in the clip industry. I honestly think this is information that you need to know.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 50

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 4:24:27 PM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Charles, there is something that I want you to do.

I want you to contact a poster named cloudboy and make an inquiry about a blog link that he posted some time back. It focuses on the way some male bottoms are the bottom of the barrel in the clip industry. I honestly think this is information that you need to know.

To many fetish producers the male bottom is the bottom of the barrel. A dime a dozen. Many producers take advantage of how desperate male bottoms are to play or to feel that dynamic.

I was discussing a producer in FL that was arrested for hiring and using homeless men in beat down videos. Some of which where mentally handicapped.

OP,
Perhaps I am shallow but a person has to be physically attractive to me. I don't really have a physical "type". There are things that I expect from a man. He needs to take care of himself physically and mentally which comes out in his appearance. He has to be clean, if he has facial hair it has to be neat, his hair has to be neat. He can't have mangled feet, if he does he has to be willing to go with me to get a pedi or allow me to give him one. Troll feet are not pretty! I don't mind a chipped tooth, space, or things of that nature but his teeth need to be clean. He has to have good hygiene practices.

< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 2/24/2013 4:34:02 PM >

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 51

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 5:11:23 PM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline

That man accused of beating up the homeless and mentally ill is still sitting in a jail cell.That one hit a little close to home.Karma is a bitch.

_____________________________

Charley aka Sub Guy

http://www.Facebook.com/SubGuy

https://Twitter.com/SubGuy6682

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 52

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 5:24:59 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLilSquaw
To many fetish producers the male bottom is the bottom of the barrel. A dime a dozen. Many producers take advantage of how desperate male bottoms are to play or to feel that dynamic.

I was discussing a producer in FL that was arrested for hiring and using homeless men in beat down videos. Some of which where mentally handicapped.

OP,
Perhaps I am shallow but a person has to be physically attractive to me. I don't really have a physical "type". There are things that I expect from a man. He needs to take care of himself physically and mentally which comes out in his appearance. He has to be clean, if he has facial hair it has to be neat, his hair has to be neat. He can't have mangled feet, if he does he has to be willing to go with me to get a pedi or allow me to give him one. Troll feet are not pretty! I don't mind a chipped tooth, space, or things of that nature but his teeth need to be clean. He has to have good hygiene practices.

You took the words right out of My mouth.

Thank you.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 53

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 5:35:54 PM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

That man accused of beating up the homeless and mentally ill is still sitting in a jail cell.That one hit a little close to home.Karma is a bitch.

Yep, he will be for some time.
Last I heard one of the models was as well.

I know a male bottom, who has worked for several other producers.
He aches to serve to be used and humiliated to the point where it frankly isn't healthy. I can't / wont use him. Not because he can't or wont do what I do in videos but because I can't feed on someone's lack of self esteem or desire to be abused. THAT isn't what I want to be known for.

Hell, I get crap from other producers because I give my male slaves gas and grub as well as photos from the shoots. Lol

< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 2/24/2013 5:37:27 PM >

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 54

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 5:37:29 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

I read the posting that got this thread started and then I instantly stopped right after the OP's OP. I went look at your profile with a fresh mind that wasnt influenced at all by what anyone else has said here. Ill be completely honest, OP. If I was looking for someone at this moment in time, your looks are not the thing that would disqualify you in my eyes. Dont get me wrong, I have to have some sort of attraction to a person. But I am blessed with a really vast concept of what I find attractive. In some ways its a blessing...in other ways a curse because Im always seeing something in someone that catches my eye. Lookwise, I wouldnt have had a problem with you.

What counted you out, for me, was the endless photos of you with other women. What turned me off was the whole "this is my fetish, this is what I like, me, me, me" stuff. Im a relationship oriented D/s person. Ive always been that way and its not likely its ever going to change for me. But all I got from your profile is that you have shot amateur porn, all of your kinks, and very little about who you are as a person. If I were being completely honest, yours is a profile that Id classify as a play type...rather than a relationship type. Im just giving you my honest opinion based on what Ive seen. What you choose to do or how you go from there is entirely up to you.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 55

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 6:25:52 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

~fast reply to the women who answered my question~
Yeah... I had forgotten about the other side. I would never go looking for a mate there anyway but yes, if someone is trolling through profiles looking for a partner then the photo's going to matter. That's EXACTLY why I'd never look for a partner there. Anyone who'd find that workable for them isn't a partner for me.

I was thinking about my experiences on the discussion boards.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to njlauren)

Post #: 56

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 7:13:47 PM

TheLilSquaw

Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bettywade

Nice guys do not last in this lifestyle.Do yourself a favor and find a girlfriend.

So not true.
I know MANY nice guys on both sides of the kneel in the lifestyle and not only to they last but they thrive.

Being a bitch or an asshat isn't a requirement.

< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 2/24/2013 7:14:08 PM >

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to bettywade)

Post #: 57

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 7:19:09 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Nice guys don't last here?

You're right.

They find partners rather quickly.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to TheLilSquaw)

Post #: 58

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 8:06:23 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

~fast reply to the women who answered my question~
Yeah... I had forgotten about the other side. I would never go looking for a mate there anyway but yes, if someone is trolling through profiles looking for a partner then the photo's going to matter. That's EXACTLY why I'd never look for a partner there. Anyone who'd find that workable for them isn't a partner for me.

I was thinking about my experiences on the discussion boards.

OK, you're a pretty observant kind of guy (to put it mildly). Even though it is *not* your demographic, get out a piece of paper and start listing the names of male submissives, past or present, that get a really good reaction on the boards. Then, go back over that list and see how many of those males have good looking avatars if they show a picture of themselves. If you hit less than 80% that have both criteria, I'm going to be shocked.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 59

RE: Is a BDSM relationship possible without the looks - 2/24/2013 8:18:19 PM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

I wish I had a good looking avatar.

Oops! Hijack! Sorry!

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simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 60

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