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NuevaVida -> RE: Do you use spanking/whipping as punishment? (7/26/2013 11:38:12 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Focus50
]What is this "game" thing you keep banging on about? I'm talking about *this topic*, not pretend or roleplay or the like, which I don't indulge in anyway. Real people in real relationships that don't always run silky smooth.
Maybe you guys across the pond use the term differently than we do. I'm talking about this topic, too, and my posts have nothing to do with role play.
Over here in my world, being manipulative, or "showing who's boss" or being anything other than my authentic, honest and loving self would be playing a game - an emotional or mental game. Passive aggressiveness, for example, is game playing to me, where you're not just putting your honest cards on the table, but instead you're behaving or speaking in a way with a manipulative agenda in mind. You made a comment to me about showing him who is boss -that falls into this category. We're just not that way with each other. I know he's the boss, and I have no desire otherwise. "Showing him who's boss" would be some sort of one-upmanship with him, which to me, serves no purpose in our goal of moving a healthy relationship forward and with honesty.
Yeah, I'm well aware that real people in real relationships don't always run silky smooth. I actually said in a subsequent posts that relationships can get ugly sometimes, and that I'm more than willing to get down in the dirt to work things out. At least in my real relationship, with real and honest participants in it, that's how it works.
quote:
The way you've presented (or I've received) your meaning is that if sub screws up to a point of making dom angry, while diddoms dom is off sulking, sub will wile away the time finding other things to do. Never mind walking away, I'd never have been in THAT "relationship".
Either you received it wrong or I didn't communicate clearly or a little bit of both.
First, you're assuming in my situation that he was mad at me because I "screwed up." That wasn't the case. I didn't say why he was mad. But with us, it's usually some sort of misunderstanding, or in the case where I felt we were over, some very serious PTSD emotional triggers were hit very hard, and my anxiety attack over it was something he wasn't understanding, and was something that actually triggered his own emotional land mine. It was a series of horrible reactions to each other, which took great effort to work through. His initial reaction was to remove himself from me for a matter of days, with no resolve in sight.
In the situations I was talking about, in no way did I ever imply he was "sulking" (where the hell did you get that??), and I'm not really sure what wiling away means. When he has needed time to think, my heart aches, but I find things to do. Would you prefer your girl curl up in a ball and pine? Life is too short for that. I don't take it lightly. I ache for him, but that doesn't mean I stop living.
As for this: Never mind walking away, I'd never have been in THAT "relationship". What a strange and judgmental statement. Are you in a current relationship that's fulfilling your life like you've never imagined? If so, that's awesome. I am. As I commented in another post, that one situation was a very emotionally difficult one for both of us, and we worked a lot out as a result of it. Like you said, real relationships with real people don't always run silky smooth. Life isn't so black and white.
quote:
And yet again, I'm not talking about a mood or just being "pissed off", I'm talking about if sub's actions are the actual reason for that mood change and of consequences. You know, THIS topic.
Pardon me. I should have said "Pissed off at ME." I figured you would have inferred that, since we were talking about...you know...THIS topic. [;)]
But again, you assume he might be pissed because of a misbehavior, rather than a reaction to his own actions, or an emotional trigger, or a misunderstanding, or....anything else. This whole exchange is about how him removing his attention from me would do nothing to "punish me" or teach me anything or straighten me out, in response to your post that that's what you find works. I'm saying it doesn't work here. He knows this, and is far more creative about getting what he wants from me. And he does get what he wants from me.
In over 4 years, I think he's gotten pissed off at me 2, maybe 3 times. It hardly comes up. And when it does, he works toward getting us on the same page, rather than emotionally separating us.
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Hey, I'm doing my best to interpret your words and the context in which you're presenting them. Overall, I'm getting the gist that fuck-all is ever your fault or responsibility. But lol, I don't actually believe that to be the case. So what you find "interesting" equates to me scratching my head and often muttering "wtf?".
Well, to be honest, we don't really look at things as "fault" between us. If I fuck up it's because there's a foundational upset of some sort, or because of some underlying reason that needs to be addressed. I aim to please him, always. If I don't please him, or think I don't please him, I ask him if he's upset at me, or if I offended him, or if I can do something to fix it, etc. Seriously, we talk all the time. About everything. What I'm saying is, whatever the reason for a screw up (and trust me when I say the screw ups are never intentional), the very few times he's withdrawn his attention have been counter-effective for us. That's a tool in the toolbox that doesn't work for us. If he withdraws his attention, I shut down from him, emotionally. It's a protective measure that I'm wired with. It's an emotional response. It's not a "fuck all, I don't give a shit" - it's a break down of our bond, particularly if it's for more than a day.
This is why, as I also said earlier, we have incorporated tools in our relationship to not let this happen.
quote:
]Lol, I hadta ask cos I'm on something of a roll with Americans on this site (not you - yet) and what constitutes humour. Apparently, unless I actually add a smiley face every single time (the magic code?), well, how are they ever gonna know what's implied...?
Errrm.... [:)]
Focus.
Well, smiley faces are cool. I think you should add 'em. [:D]
Seriously though, I'm not sure if you actually feel this way or not, but your posts seem to show a "you versus me" attitude with regard to your relationships. He and I don't operate that way. Knock down, drag out fight, where everything is fair game? That doesn't happen over here. We get pissed off, we spar over it, we figure out the root of it, we fix what the problem is, we remind each other that we love each other, and we move forward. Everything fair game implies to me that we're each other's enemy, and we're not. The problem is the enemy. We're on the same team. And there are boundaries to respect. We don't treat the people we love most with "everything is fair game because we're in a fight." Our minds and hearts just don't go there. Maybe that's why you & I aren't understanding each other in this discussion - because we seem to be coming from two totally different places.
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