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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/8/2013 8:40:56 AM

sexyred1

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It is very hard to leave someone you think you love, even if they are hurting you.

I see no evidence that the OP is not for real.

I wish it was fake.

I can hear her say things that I felt while in a bad relationship.

This has nothing to do with level of intelligence. A therapist once told me smart women often make terrible choices in men.

I hope that some of the advice manages to penetrate and she does not get caught in the vicious cycle.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 8/8/2013 8:41:36 AM >

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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/8/2013 9:10:05 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

Agreed. This is typical behavior from most people in general though. If cops and family members help a woman in an abusive situation and then she goes back (especially if it happens more than once that she leaves and returns), they have the same reaction. "She must like it" or "she must want it" or "she is never really going to leave so why bother helping her again?"

I managed a domestic violence shelter for almost five years and I heard law enforcement, court personnel and plenty of family members of our residents say these very things. I can remember (at that time, in the mid-late 90's), my boss would quote the statement that "on average, a woman leaves and returns to an abuser an average of seven times before finally making the decision to stay gone." That's a lot of leaving and going back to get to where she wants to be.

People get fed up quickly when they give what they think is great advice and good help and they feel it's not accepted or appreciated. "Why won't this person just do what I say? I know what's best for her?" Maybe we do know what's best (in general) for people but getting to the point where you're ready to act on that advice and stand firm can take many years. I was married to my ex-husband for ten years. It was an abusive and toxic, co-dependent relationship and I left and returned several times. My family couldn't understand but thank heaven they never washed their hands of me or got tired of me waiting to do what they thought was best. It took a lot of years but I finally got ready to make the break. It was tough and took me a year or two to really still not hurt about "abandoning" him. I know it's not easy by any means.

luci

I figure she isn't going anywhere anytime soon, which is why I suggested getting on with her life where she's located now. Going back to school and getting a job will help her in the end when she's ready by setting her up with some money, and eliminating a long gap in her education. By the time she leaves she'll be closer to obtaining her final educational goal, and have the money to do so, although the flip side is that she'll curse herself one day for waiting that long and wasting her life on someone who didn't deserve it.

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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/8/2013 9:33:08 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

And yes he drinks a little extra when he is stressed out. I wrote him a long email last night before going to bed. I guess he read when he came home because he started cuddling with me in the morning and begged me not to leave. He promised to communicate more asked me instead not to judge based on one experience. I told him as long as he doesn't make me bleed and taking it slow I'm okay with it. I also told him if things don't get better by September I'll leave. Hopefully he will stick to his promise.

I tried many times to leave a toxic relationship before I finally succeeded. Before then, he always talked me into staying and never followed through on his promises. Like others have said, pay attention to what he DOES, not what he SAYS.

Having a good job where I felt validated was critical to finally being able to leave him.

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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/8/2013 9:36:58 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I figure she isn't going anywhere anytime soon, which is why I suggested getting on with her life where she's located now. Going back to school and getting a job will help her in the end when she's ready by setting her up with some money, and eliminating a long gap in her education. By the time she leaves she'll be closer to obtaining her final educational goal, and have the money to do so, although the flip side is that she'll curse herself one day for waiting that long and wasting her life on someone who didn't deserve it.

My gf has finally decided to leave her bf but she no longer has a car, as it was totalled in a hit and run, and no money, as she hands over her paycheck. She is kicking herself for the five years she has spent trying to make a relationship work that never had a prayer of being what she wanted. All the red flags were there for years.

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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/8/2013 12:34:32 PM

BitaTruble

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Joined: 1/12/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

If its real, I still feel a little foolish for thinking my responses on the cmmb will make any difference or that I even know what to say.

You post plenty of gems here, you're well worth reading and you do make a difference. You offer a perspective that's unusual and I, for one, value the diversity. I hope you just keep doing what you're doing.

As for whether or not OP is telling a story or relating a reality, it doesn't even matter. People do go through the sort of stuff described and the advice/experiences offered may hit home with someone even if it's not the OP.

Don't stop posting, dude. You're one of the few people I read on a regular basis.

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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/8/2013 4:47:46 PM

slaveluci

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Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

FR~

Maybe it's just me but I have never understood why it takes people sooo long to realise things just "aren't right" and they need to do something about it.
It shouldn't take years for the penny to drop; not even months or weeks.
Maybe a few hours of reflection or possibly a day or two and that would be my limit.
If more than the odd one or two people pointed out the obvious to me, I'd mull it over and make a decision very swiftly.
I wouldn't want to be sitting in a boiling pot of oil any longer than I needed to be.
But I guess that's just how I work and I do get very frustrated whern others just don't see it.

It didn't take me long to realize things just "weren't right." It just took me a long time to decide they were so wrong I couldn't live with them anymore. It's not always about low self esteem, a victim mentality or some kind of psychological damage. I had always been a very independent, capable and headstrong person. I had even said that "no man better ever lay a violent hand on me because he'd have to go to sleep sometime" and then he'd regret it. I managed a domestic violence shelter for years. And it still happened to me. I loved a man who was not violent and super-controlling AT FIRST. They rarely are. That starts later after you're already so emotionally involved and tangled up with them that you actually have mixed emotions when you should just walk away the minute it first happens. I said all the things you are saying once. And then it happened to me. Yes, I CHOSE to stay but it was far from the simplistic situation some people make it out to be.

luci

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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/8/2013 8:12:08 PM

getoutnow

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quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

I wouldn't want to be sitting in a boiling pot of oil any longer than I needed to be.

Havent you heard of the tale of the frog in boiling water?

He doesn't perceive the danger and is slowly cooked to death.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/8/2013 8:28:57 PM

JeffBC

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Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1
Maybe it's just me but I have never understood why it takes people sooo long to realise things just "aren't right" and they need to do something about it.

As always, I can't answer for people. I can tell you why it takes me so long.

When it comes to relationships I'm an "all-in" sort of guy. I've never casually dated. In fact I've married every woman I've ever dated. I have no interest in "playing it safe" and I don't choose partners who do. So what happens is we get very invested in each other very quickly. As time wears on and I seek greater and greater intimacy those bonds just become ever stronger. At some point fairly quickly it takes a long time to realize you need to undo this and then even longer to get it done. You just don't walk away from investment like that casually.

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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/9/2013 4:02:38 AM

chatterbox24

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Joined: 1/22/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1
Maybe it's just me but I have never understood why it takes people sooo long to realise things just "aren't right" and they need to do something about it.

As always, I can't answer for people. I can tell you why it takes me so long.

When it comes to relationships I'm an "all-in" sort of guy. I've never casually dated. In fact I've married every woman I've ever dated. I have no interest in "playing it safe" and I don't choose partners who do. So what happens is we get very invested in each other very quickly. As time wears on and I seek greater and greater intimacy those bonds just become ever stronger. At some point fairly quickly it takes a long time to realize you need to undo this and then even longer to get it done. You just don't walk away from investment like that casually.

I hear this. I think sometimes chemistry is hard to find too, and we get addicted to that. At least I know I did. I believe your story poster. I can feel your pain, not so long ago, I got myself in a terrible situation, but I didn't live with the man, so I wasn't under "THE SPELL" on a 24/7. I do hope things improve for you. Don't let anyone steal your inner power, and your young, maybe you haven't quite found that power yet. I pray you find it sooner, rather then later, as I did.
If it feels terrible spiritually, not just physically, it is terrible, no matter what he might say. Waiting to end it, makes it worse, if you feel that leaning in that direction. Either way you chose, I do hope you find joy and peace.

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