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I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:33:02 AM

Sheela22

Posts: 199
Status: offline

Hi everyone. I'm sheela. Sorry if my post seems very dumb but I honestly didn't know who else to ask. I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. He is much older than me which is okay by me ( I'm 24 he is mid 40) and I'm crazy for him. About a month ago he told me that he enjoys bdsm and wants me be to be his sub and stuff. I never ever even heard of it. When I asked what it means he said "from now on , you have no saying and I'm in charge". I'm a very shy and geeky lol so I thought it shouldn't be a big deal. We had what he calls a "session" on Friday and he loved it but to be honest my body is still sore and I didn't enjoy it at all. I was just following his orders and it was incredibly painful . Is there a way for a "sub" to actually enjoy it or you just have to take it because your Dom said so? He is not good at communicating ( he gives general explanations like no whining no crying but screaming is ok, or if i ask questions in the middle i get punished ..) and hates it when I ask too many questions so I just shut up...Thank you very much for reading my post

Post #: 1

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:38:54 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Well, it is time for a come to Jesus meeting. You gotta talk it out, he is further along than you or he is of little care about your end.

Only two possible answers.

You might tell him that you need a longer period of warming up (usually helps) and maybe not so much in one session, and sort of ease into it, and take some time to explore what you do and don't like.

But I will tell you there are those that like that sore for days after........you just might not be one of those.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 2

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:43:38 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I would suggest that you put an end to this until you have gained some footing and some knowledge.

First of all, being submissive doesn't mean that you have no say.

Next, kinky sex is not submission, it's just kinky sex. Submission isn't about what happens in the bedroom, it's about what happens outside of it.

Next, if you're not enjoying it, why bother doing it? You deserve to be happy.

And lastly, if things went down the way you say they did, I'd venture to say that he doesn't have a clue about what he is doing.

There's some really good information in these forums posted by people that have long term D/s BDSM relationships. I would advise you to do some intense reading.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 3

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:45:48 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

Off the cuff, none of that seems very healthy to me. He basically went from "vanilla" to "do whatever I say" and "I like to hurt you" in one step? I'd tell him something akin to "This stops here and now until we get some stuff sorted and then it MAY continue."

Do you like pain? If you're not a masochist then the other reason you'd do it is because you just plain like him so much and.... you know... pain is just pain.

What do you know about this guy's experience. If he's hitting you hard enough to cause screaming then you're way past "slap & tickle" and that means there are serious health concerns. He'd better know what he is doing.

Again, I don't like the "smell" of any of this. I'd like to hear Kana's view on this. He's a serious sadist involved with a very submissive but not masochistic partner. His viewpoint on this would be really good I think.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 4

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:46:02 AM

Sheela22

Posts: 199
Status: offline

He did do warm up for a few minutes ... Worst part was using the belt on me and anal after that . He has no lube policy so for anal he pushes until its in. I don't wanna complain and nag but I bleed after that...

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 5

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:51:13 AM

Sheela22

Posts: 199
Status: offline

Yes he says he knows what he is doing. He said I'm not used to it and after a while ill love it. For now, I'm not enjoying it at all..

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 6

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:52:08 AM

Miyani

Posts: 248
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline

"No lube policy?" If you're bleeding, there's a serious problem!

Run. Run far, run fast. Nothing here is showing that he has any affection for you, or any concern for your well-being. Submissives ABSOLUTELY get a say, but also, there's NOTHING wrong with not being submissive, and not being into pain. You should be doing what makes you happy and fulfilled - that's why submissives submit, after all!

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 7

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:52:34 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Saying 'hey, you know how you totally changed every aspect of our relationship without consulting me and refuse to allow me to express any concerns, and then you made my asshole bleed? I don't like that' is not nagging. It's having a small modicum of self respect and standing up for yourself.

In my mind 'do as I say and I don't care how you feel about it' is abuse. You didn't sign up for this.

I find it hard to believe that anyone would do anything but laugh and walk away when somebody tried this, but on the off chance that you are for real, or someone else could benefit from it, here's the basic facts: Dom/sub relationships are still relationships. If your partner doesn't give a shit about you, you'll never be happy.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 8

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:52:46 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Again, I don't like the "smell" of any of this.

I don't either. If it's going down the way she says it is, I'm seriously questioning the guy she's with.

quote:

I'd like to hear Kana's view on this. He's a serious sadist involved with a very submissive but not masochistic partner. His viewpoint on this would be really good I think.

I think so too. But, we know from interacting with them that he wouldn't say that LW has absolutely no say and he wouldn't punish her for asking questions.

My gut says that the "Dom" has little to no experience and a large library of porn.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 9

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:58:55 AM

Sheela22

Posts: 199
Status: offline

I don't know any of his ex so I don't know about his past. I moved to another city , quit my job , and transferred my school just to be with him... I really love him and he is not a monster, but yes I'm not enjoying the current sex life.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 10

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:59:18 AM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

He did do warm up for a few minutes ... Worst part was using the belt on me and anal after that . He has no lube policy so for anal he pushes until its in. I don't wanna complain and nag but I bleed after that...

Why are you here looking for people to back you up, and confirm what you've already made up your mind about.

The tone, sequence and subjects in your post make it very clear which direction you want us to take, and what you want us to say about him. Why are you finding it necessary to have a bunch of internet strangers speak out about him like that?

Why is your own conclusion not enough?

Is it because despite knowing what we'll say, you still want to stay with him?

Why are feeling good, or feeling the need to place yourself into a victim's role at the moment? Where is that drive coming from and why?

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 11

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 10:59:29 AM

jola37

Posts: 433
Joined: 7/8/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I would suggest that you put an end to this until you have gained some footing and some knowledge.

First of all, being submissive doesn't mean that you have no say.

Next, kinky sex is not submission, it's just kinky sex. Submission isn't about what happens in the bedroom, it's about what happens outside of it.

Next, if you're not enjoying it, why bother doing it? You deserve to be happy.

And lastly, if things went down the way you say they did, I'd venture to say that he doesn't have a clue about what he is doing.

There's some really good information in these forums posted by people that have long term D/s BDSM relationships. I would advise you to do some intense reading.

All of this ^

All of it

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 12

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:00:13 AM

TNDommeK

Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

Hell no!
Girl, look, I'm not trying to tell you to leave this man, but seriously, you need to tell him something! This no lube crap, is not safe!
Who wants to be dry f*cking anyway?
You and him need to come to terms with this. I'm with Jeff, nothing about this seems right.
Open your mouth.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 13

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:04:13 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

he is not a monster, but yes I'm not enjoying the current sex life.

If he's not a monster then you have nothing to fear by telling him it's just not your thing. You tried it, you didn't like it so don't do it any more. Simple.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 14

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:04:17 AM

Sheela22

Posts: 199
Status: offline

I'm very sorry to bother you and post this. I thought maybe if I learn more maybe I love it too so we can both enjoy it. I'm not a victim at all. I moved in with him because I love him not because I was forced. I just thought maybe I can find a way to make it pleasurable for me too ( not all about him).. Sorry to waste your time

(in reply to TNDommeK)

Post #: 15

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:05:46 AM

cutiewithabootie

Posts: 88
Joined: 6/16/2013
Status: offline

Ok. I AM actually a masochist but no lube on anal sex would be a little disrespectful to me. As a rule anal sex can be uncomfortable by itself but no forplay and no lube makes it that much more so.

Also I would consider telling him you have NO EXPERIENCE and would like to try things ONE at a time to experiment (if this is the case) this smells funny to me. Somewhere I smell crap. Be it on his "experience" or on this post.

If you are screaming and then told that you have no right to say no, this borders on assualt. Even I have limits and I do some things that are controversial in this lifestyle. I also have almost 10 years experience. I agree that you should start reading. Also it may be that you are simply not a masochist. Masochists are not that frequent. Some people are just going to say ouch in a negetive way and its just that simple. It sounds like you didn't have any discussion and if it were me, I would either be saying "what the hell" at least if not making tracks.

But in every story there is her side, his side, and then what actually happened...

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 16

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:06:09 AM

FreedDragonfly

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/12/2013
Status: offline

Okay, so my experience is slightly different from yours but in many ways it's the same... and I just went and relived a bunch of it today in therapy so it's right on the tip of my tongue so out it comes. What he's doing to you, hon, is out-and-out abuse. You don't want it, he's hurting you, he isn't taking your considerations to count, and is physically molesting you. The anal? That is sexual abuse, sweetie. I know it doesn't sound like it when you love this person but it is. You can really like someone and think they're going to walk on water but then they hurt the hell out of you emotionally and physically. And then it scars you for a really long time and you wonder "Why the hell didn't i get out of there sooner?" DO NOT put yourself in that position, PLEASE honey. It's the worst thing I have ever lived through was the sexual assault I went through from my spankers/disciplinarians. They weren't full out dominants, And I was anything but a sub. But they forced me to do things to them and in certain cases to me that I wanted no part in. And they did it and worse to others too so I've seen the writing on the wall and experienced it first hand. This isn't going to get better. So do yourself a favor and unless you can talk him into doing WAY WAY less and at a speed YOU are comfortable with, GeT AWAY. NO friend, NO lover is worth what he's putting you through. If you ever need to talk... I'm here, okay? Just PM me. I think we have a lot more in common than either of us would like.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 17

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:15:14 AM

Sadista

Posts: 16
Joined: 6/9/2005
Status: offline

I say don't nag about the bleeding from your ass, Let Him decide if your health is important..even if it means going to the hospital with tears(To make (an opening) by ripping) in your rectum cause "thats true submission", and we all know you want to be the best lil subbie you can.

oh and by the way you are dating a pyscho and its okay to be submissive not stupid, and what else... you might need to read up on what you're into and how to safely practice these things cause it would be a shave to break a hip or damage a nerve ending at 24 cause your bf is having a midlife crisis.

lastly you need this http://www.frugaldomme.com/dangers/negotiat.htm , brows this site it was and still is a great site for beginners and not so beginners

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 18

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:20:50 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

No lube for anal is dangerous for the receiver and ignorant on the part of the giver plain and simple. Punishing you for asking questions appears to me that his BDSM knowledge doesn't go beyond reading and watching porn.

Ask yourself thes questions:

Are you so crazy about this guy that you are willing to let him hurt you with little concern for your well being just so he gets off?

Do you want to be in a relationship where you can't voice your concerns or communicate without fear of repercussions?

Do you want to engage in activities that can physically damage you (i.e. anal without lube)? A bleeding asshole is not a good thing.

Will any of this make YOU happy? Wanting your partner to be happy is great but if it makes you miserable, that's not a good thing.

As others before me have said, nothing about this sounds good. Saying "you'll love it" when he is not taking any time to teach you about D/s relationships and is only concerned with his fulfillment is ridiculous.

Please for your own well being, consider what is going on in your relationship. I'm not big on ultimatums butin this case I think you need to tell him that the D/s and all kinky stuff stops until you two have a long serious discussion and if he won't tell him the relationship is over. And mean it.

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 19

RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/5/2013 11:25:23 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
he is not a monster

Then he's just ignorant, which isn't much better.

Go Google "Anal Fissure". This is what anal sex without lube can do.

He's not communicating, punishing you for attempting to communicate, engaging in things that can cause you permanent harm and you're trying to find a way to get more experienced people to pat you on the head and tell you it's all okay.

It's not.

You need to end any BDSM play until you both have an idea about what you're doing.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 20

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