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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 2:22:54 AM   
MissKittyDeVine


Posts: 1054
Joined: 9/24/2011
Status: offline 		I'm neither a sock nor a mod, and this sounds real to me. I don't know for sure. But I would rather try to help than ignore what may be a genuine need for help.

Even if it did turn out to be BS, the advice here may help others in a similar situation. It's not an waste of effort.

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(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 121
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 2:30:38 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissKittyDeVine
Even if it did turn out to be BS, the advice here may help others in a similar situation. It's not an waste of effort.


Yep, I agree.


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(in reply to MissKittyDeVine)
Profile   Post #: 122
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 2:46:15 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		Some of the responses have made me cringe, considering I mostly reside in P&R thats saying something.
Considering the OP has only been posting about this less than a day, I would rather give her the benefit of the doubt. Its my issue if Im wrong or get bent out of shape about it

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(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 123
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 4:18:07 AM   
UnicornGoddess


Posts: 15
Joined: 5/29/2013
Status: offline 		Yeah, this sets all sorts of alarm bells off.

In D/s and oterwise Kinky relationships, as in any other sort of relationship, communication is key. The fact that he does not seem to like you asking questions is very troubling to me. You really, REALLY need to talk to your partner about all this in depth. Talk about what you both do and don't like. Talk about what you have and have not done before and where your ideas about how to do things are coming from (some of his practices sound unsafe, to me).

Remember, above all else, keep things Safe, Sane and Consentual

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 124
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 4:26:05 AM   
VideoAdminChi


Posts: 3086
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline
quote:

FR

I've heard rumors that the mods use sock puppets to stir up shit when things around here get slow.

We mods have better things to do.

quote:

The number of new faces that have suddenly appeared to comment on this thread makes me really wonder if that's true.

It is ok to have more than one account but both nicks should not post in the same thread. I have been looking to see if this is the case here, and have found no evidence of it. People concerned about this should CMail me. If anyone feels the need to discuss this further publicly, please do it on another thread in Off Topic and do not mention specific usernames. Further posts about socks on this thread will be removed.


(in reply to metamorfosis)
Profile   Post #: 125
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 7:00:52 AM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar


quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonlightmaddnes
You need to walk away and find a nice 30 something guy.


As if age got anything to do with it. The OP claims to be 4 years younger than me, and claims her guy is 2 years younger than my husband... +/-15 years is no big deal at. None of the problems she claims to be having have anything whatsoever to do with age. The only reason it's even a topic of discussion is because the OP keeps mentioning the age difference as if it's somehow unusually big, noteworthy, or extreme. There are at least a dozen people on this board with long relationships with age differences that big, or greater who don't even consider it worth mentioning.

I had a slip on the keyboard and meant to say 20 something, she seems very immature and naive, I doubt anyone older would be interested.

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(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 126
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 7:05:56 AM   
Toysinbabeland


Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline 		Op:
Why should you consent to something you don't want?
What has he done to help you feel right about this?
Ask yourself.

(in reply to FreedDragonfly)
Profile   Post #: 127
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 7:14:43 AM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissKittyDeVine

I'm neither a sock nor a mod, and this sounds real to me. I don't know for sure. But I would rather try to help than ignore what may be a genuine need for help.

Even if it did turn out to be BS, the advice here may help others in a similar situation. It's not an waste of effort.


I agree.
When I found CM, I was specifically looking for a forum. It was the only reason I joined the other side.

I'll admit, I agree with most (if not all) advice given here. I'm rather hesitant to share what this sounds like to me, which is the OP's BF using BDSM as way to avoid doing something worse to someone else.

To the OP, anal without lube because that's the way he likes it? Has he ever experienced that before, himself, to know how painfully awful that is?
Getting on top of you while you're sleeping and penetrating you? Maybe I'm alone on this, but that just sounds wrong to me. I'd much rather be awake, and so has any partner I've ever had.

I was married before my husband knew fully about my kinks. Actually, I was married before even I fully knew. I introduced him slowly. I made sure he was completely comfortable with what I was asking and he needs to enjoy it just as much as I. There are things he's not willing to do and I'm completely okay with that. We are compatible outside the bedroom, and now we're compatible inside.

You came here because there was a problem. Something wasn't sitting right. You're being blinding by love, which happens to many people. Unfortunately, you're being blinded by a love for a possibly abusive partner. That's a very dangerous combination. We can't tell you what to do and you're most likely not going to listen to anyone, especially a bunch of strangers in a forum, but you really should seriously think about everything. The longer you're with him, the tougher it can become.


(in reply to MissKittyDeVine)
Profile   Post #: 128
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 8:01:10 AM   
PonyGroom


Posts: 150
Joined: 2/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

he is not a monster, but yes I'm not enjoying the current sex life.

If he's not a monster then you have nothing to fear by telling him it's just not your thing. You tried it, you didn't like it so don't do it any more. Simple.



quote:

If he's not a monster then you have nothing to fear by telling him it's just not your thing. You tried it, you didn't like it so don't do it any more. Simple.


This pretty much nails it.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 129
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 8:18:37 AM   
PonyGroom


Posts: 150
Joined: 2/26/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissKittyDeVine

I'm neither a sock nor a mod, and this sounds real to me. I don't know for sure. But I would rather try to help than ignore what may be a genuine need for help.



It sounds unreal only because it is classic.

1. She meets him online. He is charming, convincing, and very appealing from a distance.
2. She moves a distance and immediately to live with him.
3. She has no one to ask questions of about what he is doing. He knew that would be the case, in advance.
4. She cannot immediately get away from him, and he knows that.
5. His behavior suddenly changes, now he is demanding and controlling, without her consent.
6. She objects.
7. Her objections are overruled. The unwanted behavior continues.
8. She realizes she is trapped in her suffering because of several things: she is attached to him, loves him, and although it becomes slowly clearer to her he does not really love her but played the role for a while to win her heart, he never loved her. This is hard to accept. Secondly, she has commitments to school, work, or other people that hold her in place until she can make other arrangements.

Some people - this happens with the genders reversed too, but not as commonly - at this point bail out. They had a secret plan in case something went horribly wrong. They gather up their things and take a bus ride back to where they came from, for example.

Some people, at this point, go to the cops. Women get raped, or beaten badly, and take it to the police. Severe enough injury trumps all other considerations and she "wakes up". Guys leave behind possessions and hit the road.

Some people ride it out for a period of time, until they can physically leave.

The longer you stay, the more likely you are to become seduced into believing you deserve what you get, or, that this is normal, or, that you really want this abuse, or some combination of these. You come to believe a lie. This is Gaslighting.


(in reply to MissKittyDeVine)
Profile   Post #: 130
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 8:30:15 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		~fast reply~
*chuckles*

At this point I'm thinking the right advice is to show him this thread. At that point everything will resolve itself.

Door A: He says, "Oh SHIT Honey! I am so sorry. We're stopping all this right now until we get on the same page here. Now, tell me what you think...."
Door B: He says, "You BITCH! Look how you have shamed me in public. I can't believe you did this to me!"

If he goes (A) then hey, shit happens. If he goes (B) you know everything you need to know and you leave him.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to PonyGroom)
Profile   Post #: 131
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 8:36:41 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I don't know why you keep saying I have daddy issue?


Because you have Daddy issues...and yes, I'm actually qualified to say that.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 132
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 8:42:00 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

At this point I'm thinking the right advice is to show him this thread. At that point everything will resolve itself.

Door A: He says, "Oh SHIT Honey! I am so sorry. We're stopping all this right now until we get on the same page here. Now, tell me what you think...."
Door B: He says, "You BITCH! Look how you have shamed me in public. I can't believe you did this to me!"

If he goes (A) then hey, shit happens. If he goes (B) you know everything you need to know and you leave him.


Another vote for showing him the thread.

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(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 133
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 9:33:30 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
The OPs facts and behavior do seem incredible.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 8/6/2013 9:37:30 AM >

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 134
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 9:34:51 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissKittyDeVine

I'm neither a sock nor a mod, and this sounds real to me. I don't know for sure. But I would rather try to help than ignore what may be a genuine need for help.

Even if it did turn out to be BS, the advice here may help others in a similar situation. It's not an waste of effort.



I agree. The OP typifies the classic victim profile for an abuser. PonyGroom pointed this out. Except I would add that he *already* has her beaten down. He obviously uses their age difference as one way to do this, 'he's so much older he knows so much more.' She clearly thinks he knows far more about BDSM than the forum members here.

Her method of communicating through most of the thread is like a child, he has her inner child whipped to pieces. She did come back into adulthood when someone asked her how she found the forums so quickly.

In any case this represents as such a classic case of abuse it's frightening. I worry about how things went with their talk. If she told him about her thread, I'm sure he won't take it well.

I hope she comes back and gives us an update.

As for the socks, sure there were some, not everyone is an open as I about airing their past dirty laundry.

I can smell an abuser b/c I've lived with one up close and personal.







_____________________________



(in reply to MissKittyDeVine)
Profile   Post #: 135
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 9:39:57 AM   
VideoAdminRho


Posts: 2055
Joined: 3/24/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt


As for the socks, sure there were some, not everyone is an open as I about airing their past dirty laundry.


There weren't any socks. Chi and I have been checking this thread since the beginning, starting with the OP.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 136
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 10:09:00 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		- I did find the forum at Yahoo Answer. If you don't believe me , go to Yahoo Answer, type Active BDSM Forum relationship and see how many times this websites shows up
- I kept coming back because I thought for the first time I can talk to people without being judged
-I'm sorry I didnt take your break up advice. It's not that easy. I sacrificed so much for this relationship soI want to try everything I can to make it work before giving up on him. I know it's strange but I'm not ready to leave him yet..
-I talked to him last night after the dinner. I told him that I was hurt and I didn't enjoy it. He said that I'm stressed out about the move hence I'm over reacting and I can't decide based on one experience. He said it was a such huge turn on when he saw me tolerating the pain for him. I told him that I can never say no to him but I'm asking him to slow down temporary and put it on hold until I'm ready and then maybe try new things one thing at a time. He got really disappointed but said "fine, let me know when you are ready". I thought everything went well. I tried to kiss and cuddle with him in bed like we do every night before sleep but he stopped me and said he was tired. Today is his day off and we were supposed to spend the day together. I tried to be playful in the morning and even tried to go down on him but again he stopped me . He took a shower, got dressed and went out. At this point, I'm gonna give him so space so he cools down

< Message edited by Sheela22 -- 8/6/2013 10:17:10 AM >

_____________________________

I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 137
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 10:17:57 AM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline 		Yikes. His reaction isn't much better. Sounds like he's trying to make you feel guilty for your feelings in hopes of getting his way and prevent you from doing so in the future. I know I wouldn't want the cold shoulder after openly expressing my feelings.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 138
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 10:19:19 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

- I did find the forum at Yahoo Answer. If you don't believe me , go to Yahoo Answer, type Active BDSM Forum relationship and see how many times this websites shows up
- I kept coming back because I thought for the first time I can talk to people without being judged
-I'm sorry I didnt take your break up advice. It's not that easy. I sacrificed so much for this relationship soI want to try everything I can to make it work before giving up on him. I know it's strange but I'm not ready to leave him yet..
-I talked to him last night after the dinner. I told him that I was hurt and I didn't enjoy it. He said that I'm stressed out about the move hence I'm over reacting and I can't decide based on one experience. He said it was a such huge turn on when he saw me tolerating the pain for him. I told him that I can never say no to him but I'm asking him to slow down temporary and put it on hold until I'm ready and then maybe try new things one thing at a time. He got really disappointed but said "fine, let me know when you are ready". I thought everything went well. I tried to koss and cuddle with him in bed like we do every night before sleep but he stopped me and said he was tired. Today is his day off and we were supposed to spend the day together. I tried to be playful in the morning and even tried to go down on him but again he stopped me . He took a shower, got dressed and went out. At this point, I'm gonna give him so space so he cools down



The bolded parts are red flags for you (which you will ignore, just like the rest of the thread)

He claims to be a Dominant. Someone in control of himself and his relationship, and in one evening he:

1) invalidated your feelings

2) Was disappointed rather than understanding

3) pouted because you're not doing what he wants

4) Needs to cool down

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/6/2013 10:20:07 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 139
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 10:22:04 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I'm not ignoring at all..like I said, I'm just not ready for the break up.. It's really hard to explain...

_____________________________

I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 140
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