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RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 10:30:23 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I'm not ignoring at all..like I said, I'm just not ready for the break up.. It's really hard to explain...


No, it's not hard to explain. You're allowing your emotions to keep you in a relationship that isn't healthy. I'd be willing to bet that every single person on these boards has done that at least once.

However, you're in a situation that is right on the border of being abusive. We see that because we have more experience than you. (I've been doing WIITWD longer than you've been potty trained)

As a trained counselor, I can tell you that his response does not bode well for making changes. Instead of being contrite and upset that he hurt and scared you, he brought out the passive aggressive toddler routine.

Within the first year of a relationship people are on their best behavior and it declines from there. This is the best he is capable of.

He is barely talking the talk. So, the one thing you need to keep repeating to yourself is that actions speak louder than words. Don't listen to what he says, watch how he behaves.

I'm willing to bet if you started asking questions about his past, you will find that he has a series of relationships with women younger than he is that all lasted 1.5 years or less.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/6/2013 10:35:44 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 141
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 10:45:45 AM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
-I'm sorry I didnt take your break up advice. It's not that easy. I sacrificed so much for this relationship soI want to try everything I can to make it work before giving up on him. I know it's strange but I'm not ready to leave him yet..


That is why you are destined to fail in this relationship. You have sacrificed it all for the wrong man. Sorry, but all the evidence is there.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
-I talked to him last night after the dinner. I told him that I was hurt and I didn't enjoy it. He said that I'm stressed out about the move hence I'm over reacting and I can't decide based on one experience.


B.S. It's a well known saying. If it hurts like hell, you are doing it wrong. When you do split up with him, I can bet you right now based on your experience with anal. For your next relationship, it will be a hard limit. Thanks to this clown.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
He got really disappointed but said "fine, let me know when you are ready".


He is disappointed because he doesn't get his own way. Like a spoilt child ready to cry.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
...but he stopped me and said he was tired.
... but again he stopped me .

He took a shower, got dressed and went out. we were supposed to spend the day together.


See that, he is punishing you because he didn't get his own way. This clown isn't dominant at all.

A dominant guy would have.

1) Thanked you for speaking about your feelings.
2) Discussed with you what he could have done to make the experience better
3) Asked if you were still wiling to try again with the modifications you have agreed
4) The next day, with better moods practice again
5) Repeat 4 until its perfect.

Again, this clown is someone who got bullied at school no doubt. He always has to get his own way, otherwise he throws a tantrum. He is emotionally stunted and doesn't know how to fully express his own feelings so he gets angry and apparently needs to cool down. What happens if he doesn't cool down? Thats right, he'll get angry and it will get physical.

I suggest that he / you both go see a shrink. I've seen this behavior a bunch of times and it only ends one way. Sorry, but your relationship is DOA. You just don't know it yet.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 142
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 10:47:36 AM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow


Sorry, but your relationship is DOA. You just don't know it yet.

Here is the key quote.

The relationship is DOA. Get out before YOU are the one who is DOA.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to getoutnow)
Profile   Post #: 143
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 11:25:13 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I don't know.. I really don't.. I hate that I'm all alone at home when we were supposed to spent the day together... He works long hours and his day off is the only time we get to be together. I guess you are right he is punishing me ...ugh my big fat mouth... After reading the posts, I'm thinking of setting a deadline for myself. If things doesnt get better by then maybe I should call my dad ( UGH! SHOOT ME!!) and ask him for money for the ticket ...Hopefully, bf will goes back the way we were after cooling down..

_____________________________

I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 144
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 11:33:46 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
I guess you are right he is punishing me ...ugh my big fat mouth...


Okay, stop right there. This isn't on you or your "big fat mouth". He is responsible for his own behavior....and he's behaving poorly.

FYI: blaming yourself for him pouting and behaving in a passive aggressive manner, is exactly what abused women do.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 145
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 11:40:40 AM   
IknowwhoIam


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/16/2013
Status: offline 		Listen to OsideGirl, she's got it right! He is punishing you by not spending the day with you, making you feel bad like you did something wrong by speaking out. Keep a journal. I'm telling you to write it down because if you don't your head is only going to remember the good things. You can't trust your mind and heart right now, they have been through the ringer. Keep the journal for a month writing down everything that happens and your feelings. Once the month is up, read it and let that make your decision.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 146
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 11:41:24 AM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Okay, stop right there. This isn't on you or your "big fat mouth". He is responsible for his own behavior....and he's behaving poorly.

FYI: blaming yourself for him pouting and behaving in a passive aggressive manner, is exactly what abused women do.



I have to whole-heartedly agree with this.

Also Sheela22, that's what family is there for. To help us out when we fall down. Believe me, there have been many times I have fallen down and asked for help, re-paid them and come out stronger. Remember, its always darkest before the dawn. If you do end it and come home, you'll think everything was all for nothing. Nope, it wasn't. You gave it your all, which has something to be said about you. Not many people have the courage to do what you did. You should be commended.

It's just in this case, you fought long and hard for a lost cause. I think, when you have finished picking yourself up, dusting yourself down, you'll find a better cause and succeed!

I'm TPE, but I do not take on women who are not professional, who don't have at least college. Why? I value more a submissive who brings something to the table. I don't want someone who can't push me to achieve more, who can show and teach me new things, see different perspectives. I'm TPE and I sure as hell don't want a doormat. Take it from someone who is older and wiser, a doormat is boring.


< Message edited by getoutnow -- 8/6/2013 11:42:35 AM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 147
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 11:51:35 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		Thanks but my family is not exactly this type. I HATE my mom with passion and we havent talked in ages. She would LOVE to see me fail . My dad has always been busy with his own life (mainly womanising but whatever its his life). I guess I have to call him if I need financial help...Still hoping bf will go back to the way he was a few months ago

_____________________________

I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to getoutnow)
Profile   Post #: 148
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 11:56:49 AM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		FYI : I DO have a college degree. I was about to start my master's degree but after I transferred here I have to wait until Sept.

_____________________________

I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 149
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 12:22:01 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Thanks but my family is not exactly this type. I HATE my mom with passion and we havent talked in ages. She would LOVE to see me fail . My dad has always been busy with his own life (mainly womanising but whatever its his life). I guess I have to call him if I need financial help...Still hoping bf will go back to the way he was a few months ago


That is sad that you hate your Mom. Mine is my best friend

What is sadder is that you trusted someone who cannot be trusted.

Believe me when I tell you that your hope that he will go back to the way he was a few months ago will never happen.

Never hope someone will change; you can only change yourself and how you react.

And you may feel powerless in your love for him, but if you stay in a situation that hurts you, your love will turn into something very unhealthy.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 150
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 12:32:39 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		OP - look up the term "co-dependent". You are exhibiting classic symptoms - having been there in a relationship with a man who pouted when not getting his way, it won't get better until you leave - because he can't change.

For a while I was hoping that we were only getting one side of the story, but the reaction of him to the talk for me shows no hope.
I do understand the wanting the relationship to succeed. Having been there, it takes a while for reality to sink in, and realize that enough is enough. Until that happens you won't leave, doesn't matter how intelligent you are. I feel very sorry for the situation you are in right now.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 151
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 2:12:44 PM   
JustAMas


Posts: 38
Joined: 8/3/2013
Status: offline 		Sheela, you have your own needs, too... you don't have to put off your needs just to please another person. Maybe you're being a bit too nice. You can afford to be a bit more selfish.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 152
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 2:33:25 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I'm not a martyr .I was just telling a poster in pm about this. I get turned on when I see him turned on. When I give him bj I cum at the same time ( he is not in to eating out much) because I can feel I can get him hard . He said he gets turned on when he sees his girl tolerates pain for him. I guess he was expecting me enjoy it too because he got turned on but it didnt happen. He HATES lube. He says lube kills it because there won't me much resistance. Plus he says using lube is for gays lol.. He used to penetrates me when i was sleep sometimes ( I usually was waken up in the middle). He tried anal once when i was sleep and i didnt bleed (maybe because I was relaxed?) maybe I should ask him to do anal this way only lol


_____________________________

I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to JustAMas)
Profile   Post #: 153
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 2:52:08 PM   
JustAMas


Posts: 38
Joined: 8/3/2013
Status: offline 		Haha nah, you're cool... you seem nice and genuine. It just seems that you're a wee bit tooooo... scared? afraid? of losing him? of being alone? if you make a fuss or don't comply perfectly. That's understandable. But, it's not really necessary... I don't think. At least not 100% of the time.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 154
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 4:24:01 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		On the upside the OP stood up for herself and tried to set new limits.

OP: Subs set the limits in BDSM relationships, and DOMs need to follow them. You need to set your limits, and he needs to accept them. Raising this subject with him was an important first step for you. You need to learn how to take up for yourself, and don't let anyone try to tell you BDSM or Dominance and Submission says otherwise.

All relationships that last are based on knowing where the limits are. If you hide limits from your partner and bury your hurt / troubles, your relationship cannot last. He is 40 years old and unmarried. I wonder how capable he is at LTRs. What kind of track record does he have in his past relationships? I would ask him some questions about it.

I am glad you told him that you did not like the session. I also suggest that you insist on Lube for anal -- make that a hard limit. It's important for him to see you calling some shots. That may be something he needs to get used to.

The test of all relationships is how you can handle conflicts and resolve them.

P.S. Others who try to judge your relationship on this thread, predict its outcome, or tell you to break up with your partner --- I don't see how they can do that at all, but such "black and white" advice here is quite common. I just hope that you feel that you are in control and know that the decisions about your relationship are yours to make. Keep standing up for yourself. Your partner needs to respect you when you do it.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 8/6/2013 4:42:34 PM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 155
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 4:59:33 PM   
xxAlex


Posts: 1
Joined: 8/3/2013
Status: offline 		It sounds a lot like he's inexperienced and simply trying to copy what he's seen on porn. Anyone with knowledge on the subject knows that you always ease someone into it and can't throw them in at the deep end.

The speed that things go at is always controlled by the sub, after all it's you that is placed at risk and you that is having to put your faith and trust in him. If you don't want to do something you tell him so; if you try something and don't like it, you have the right to stop doing that.

He needs to go a lot slower, try things a little bit at a time. For example start with a little spanking (with the hand) rather than jumping straight in with a belt!!

You need to talk to him and voice how you feel. I'd advise that you say that you're willing to try it but want to find out more and so sit down with him (and it's important that it's with him as he appears quite inexperienced himself) and look through the site that Sadista gave you.

Also a note for the future, if you're trying something new and are uneasy about it; use the forums to research it and ask questions. I would advise Fet Life for that, which has some great groups of people who are friendly and knowledgeable.

You should also prepare for the eventuality that you just may not be a masochist or a submissive. You need to be clear with him that you're willing to try it, but if you find after starting out slowly that it just doesn't do anything for you to just stop. If he can accept that then it's great; if it's a deal breaker for him then you need to be prepared to walk out the door. I realise that you've moved to be with him but if you are deriving no pleasure from it then it's not BDSM, it's just abuse. The important thing to remember that with BDSM both parties enjoy it and want it; your needs are just as important as his.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 156
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 5:52:55 PM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

At this point I'm thinking the right advice is to show him this thread. At that point everything will resolve itself.

Door A: He says, "Oh SHIT Honey! I am so sorry. We're stopping all this right now until we get on the same page here. Now, tell me what you think...."
Door B: He says, "You BITCH! Look how you have shamed me in public. I can't believe you did this to me!"

If he goes (A) then hey, shit happens. If he goes (B) you know everything you need to know and you leave him.


Another vote for showing him the thread.



One here too. And that way we can get his side of the story.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 157
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 6:05:17 PM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I'm not a martyr .I was just telling a poster in pm about this. I get turned on when I see him turned on. When I give him bj I cum at the same time ( he is not in to eating out much) because I can feel I can get him hard . He said he gets turned on when he sees his girl tolerates pain for him. I guess he was expecting me enjoy it too because he got turned on but it didnt happen. He HATES lube. He says lube kills it because there won't me much resistance. Plus he says using lube is for gays lol.. He used to penetrates me when i was sleep sometimes ( I usually was waken up in the middle). He tried anal once when i was sleep and i didnt bleed (maybe because I was relaxed?) maybe I should ask him to do anal this way only lol




If this is supposed to do anything but make us think he is a total ass, I am going to have to call it a FAIL.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 158
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 6:06:42 PM   
incubusboy


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/4/2013
Status: offline 		Sheela, your "boyfriend" is neither kink nor dominant. He is an abuser, pure and simple, and he has found in you the weak willed sort of person every abuser hunts down and preys on. Kink, submission, ALL of this stuff is either MUTUALLY enjoyed or it is abuse.

I won't persuade you on this point. On some level you already know you are being mistreated and your own needs - and your safety! -ignored. So face up to that simple fact, and one more.

Abusers NEVER change. When you pack and leave, he will beg, he will cry, he will promise never to do it again, and it will all be lies. Because he is an abuser. He has no integrity, no empathy, and no intention of pleasing you. Get the fuck out of there and make some friends who show you some respect.

BTW, what do you mean, you love him? He doesn't give a shit about you, and he hurts you. What the fuck do you love? Aren't you just afraid of being alone? Get out. Be alone. You'll never be happy where you are, and you could very well die.

< Message edited by incubusboy -- 8/6/2013 6:09:30 PM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 159
RE: I'm very new and very confused - 8/6/2013 6:10:13 PM   
incubusboy


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/4/2013
Status: offline 		Sheela, your "boyfriend is neither kink nor dominant. He is an abuser, pure and simple, and he has found in you the weak willed sort of person every abuser hunts down and preys on. Kink, submission, ALL of this stuff is either MUTUALLY enjoyed or it is abuse.

I won't persuade you on this point. On some level you already know you are being mistreated and your own needs - and your safety! -ignored. So face up to that simple fact, and one more.

Abusers NEVER change. When you pack and leave, he will beg, he will cry, he will promise never to do it again, and it will all be lies. Because he is an abuser. He has no integrity, no empathy, and no intention of pleasing you. Get the fuck out of there and make some friends who show you some respect.

BTW, what do you mean, you love him? He doesn't give a shit about you, and he hurts you. What the fuck do you love? Aren't you just afraid of being alone? Get out. Be alone. You'll never be happy where you are, and you could very well die.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 160
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