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Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 5:44:45 AM

deliriuminabox

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For the submissive types: how does it make you feel when a prospective dominant immediately (or very early on) begins talking about pushing your limits? Do you want your limits pushed or do you feel that limits are for your own protection?

For the dominant types: how do you feel about limits? Are they meant to be pushed? Is it inherently more exciting to push a submissive's limits rather than play within them?

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 6:29:37 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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I'm of the very strong belief that all dominants like to push limits at some point, and where that point is will vary. However, the early pushing of limits is a big red flag to me.

When two people discuss limits, it's just that, a discussion. The experienced dominant understands it's nothing more than a conversation about what a person's limits are in theory. The practice may be quite different. Since early on there is no way to predict what kind of emotional triggers you could hit, taking limits seriously in the beginning is the way to go.

JMO folks.

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 7:12:18 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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If someone started out talking about pushing limits, I'd just walk away.

I would have to question why they were so focused on pushing the limits. Is it a case that my limit is their favourite kink? If so, they need to move on because by making it a limit I'm saying 'I may never be able to do this for you'. We're incompatible. Is it because they get off on the idea of taking someone further that they've ever been? This is not something I'm totally against, but it seems like something that comes much further down the line when trust is established. Is it because they think it's for my own good? In which case it would certainly be a long time before I trusted them to know what was truly for my own benefit. Is it because they have some porn-fuelled misconceptions about how true subs are not allowed limits? I don't wanna touch that person with a bargepole.

I think there can be a place for pushing and exploring limits, but for me that comes along after a long long period of building trust and getting to know each other. In that case, I find that most limits become softer over time anyway, since trusting your partner makes it easier, and knowing something excites them makes it more appealing. But that demands a relationship with good communication and a dominant who is capable of understanding the sub and figuring out what can be pushed, and what could cause harm.

And of course, as Chatte says, the 'limits' discussion is only a starting point; things are likely to come up that were never even considered. I'd want to be sure they understood that real life is different that fantasy and as such things that sound great might turn out to be no-go as well.

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 8:15:12 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I would have to question why they were so focused on pushing the limits. Is it a case that my limit is their favourite kink? If so, they need to move on because by making it a limit I'm saying 'I may never be able to do this for you'. We're incompatible. Is it because they get off on the idea of taking someone further that they've ever been? This is not something I'm totally against, but it seems like something that comes much further down the line when trust is established. Is it because they think it's for my own good? In which case it would certainly be a long time before I trusted them to know what was truly for my own benefit. Is it because they have some porn-fuelled misconceptions about how true subs are not allowed limits? I don't wanna touch that person with a bargepole.

Very good points.

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 8:29:51 AM

kiwisub12

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I've had limits pushed - BUT that was after 3 years of 24/7, and a great, very trusting relationship - where I knew he wasn't going to harm me. And that trust was built by his actions and reactions to me.
Someone new to me pushing my limits would be indicating that they weren't there for me, they were there for themselves. And THAT is a hard limit for me, since i'm the one that gets injured if/when things go wrong.

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 8:42:10 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

For the submissive types: how does it make you feel when a prospective dominant immediately (or very early on) begins talking about pushing your limits? Do you want your limits pushed or do you feel that limits are for your own protection?

I created my limits for a reason and don't want them pushed, especially by someone I just met.

However, once I know someone well and trust him, there are some limits which might be negotiable. I am open to the possibility that it may not be Activity X that was the problem, but Activity X with Person A. However, Person B needs to be very sensitive to the fact that Activity X was a real problem in the past.

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 8:43:25 AM

SeekingTrinity

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From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
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~FRing it~

Talking about pushing my limits in the beginning when I hardly know them and they hardly know me does not make me very comfortable in the least. They are limits, be it soft or hard, for a reason on my eyes.

Now I can say that after having been with the person I've been with for over a year, some of the softer limits I had initially grew even softer to the point that he has been able to push some of those successfully. And the same can be safely said for him when it comes to me. I think it worked for us because we respected and honored limits in the beginning. As trust took deeper roots, it made exploration of some softer limits possible.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 8:53:22 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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quote:

ORIGINAL: deliriuminabox

For the submissive types: how does it make you feel when a prospective dominant immediately (or very early on) begins talking about pushing your limits? Do you want your limits pushed or do you feel that limits are for your own protection?

For the dominant types: how do you feel about limits? Are they meant to be pushed? Is it inherently more exciting to push a submissive's limits rather than play within them?

Any man who I talked to who began talking about bdsm and sex right away, I never even got past the first email. Just not my style. I wanted a man who wanted to know me, not my style of sex. So yeah, the talk of limits is a complete turn off until we actually get to the stage of actually dating in real life.

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 9:00:33 AM

Missokyst

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When I see a dominant post that I know it is likely some clueless noob using a catch phrase to "make me hot"

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 9:06:08 AM

VanillaKinkTwist

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If we're talking hard limits, things I don't want to do...ever...for whatever reason...I'd be saying see ya later, bye. I'm not going to ever be into certain things and if someone thinks they are going to push those limits then as Athena said, they're in it for themselves and not for me or 'us'. However if we're talking something I cannot explore on my own because I cannot push myself past it or something I've just never considered before then that is different.

A prospective dominant immediately talking or trying to push my limits? It is a no go. I don't know them well enough nor do they know me well enough to know what is ok to push and what isn't.

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 9:13:35 AM

JeffBC

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From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: deliriuminabox
For the dominant types: how do you feel about limits? Are they meant to be pushed? Is it inherently more exciting to push a submissive's limits rather than play within them?

I understand what "limits" are but I have no interest in them. Things like this belong more properly in the real of casual hookups and short-term relationships neither of which is my gig. I'm more interesting in long term relationships and and the old-fashioned "let's get to know each other" appeals to me more than "let's draw up a contract".

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(in reply to deliriuminabox)

Post #: 11

RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 10:11:10 AM

DesFIP

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It means I have nothing left to say to him.

Anybody who is so self centered that all they can do is focus on the few things I can't do, instead of the myriad of things I am willing to explore is some one who has earned my contempt and not my respect.

I expect people to understand that I didn't pick the limits by throwing darts at a sheet but because I have good and sufficient reasons. If they can't even say that they have an interest in limit 3 and therefore would like to know why I've limited it, they are too stupid and short sighted for me to talk to.

I'm never going to do inverted suspension because it will set off a vertigo attack. I spend a lot of time monitoring my sinuses to see if there's a hint of it coming on and if I need to take a decongestant to ward it off. Or have session with the little steamer. I'm not willing to ever have someone deliberately make me unable to function for a week because his stiffie is more important to him than my health.

In exactly the same way some asshat who has to use a duct tape gag on me which will set off a panic attack leaving me in piss poor shape for days and with no trust left in him, is not someone I want to know. You want to end the relationship that badly, do so before I need medication please and not after.

My limits are things that will negatively impact my health. Mental, emotional and physical.

I met The Man on b.com ten years ago. Of all the guys who wrote me, damn near all of them zeroed in on the duct tape gag and announced that would be the first thing they would do. The Man didn't even mention it till weeks later when he admitted that he was curious as to why only duct tape, when I was fine exploring other gags. I told him about the panic attacks and he dropped it, at no point did he make a big deal about it. He was literally the only one to assume I had a good reason and therefore asked what it was.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 8/11/2013 10:18:34 AM >

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 10:52:14 AM

OsideGirl

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I have hard limits and I have soft limits.

The hard limits aren't going to change and if someone approached me saying they were going to push them, I'd walk away. (And I have)

My soft limits can be moved..and Master has moved some of them. He didn't announce that as his goal, it was something that happened organically and because he took time to earn trust.

For guys that state that as their goal right from the beginning, I just assume that they're in it for the kinky sex.

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 10:57:08 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I actually expect a person to have more limits in the very beginning, just like there are things that I won't engage in with somebody who is brand new to Me. I've got certain kinks that I only engage in *if* a certain level of intimacy and trust has been established. As time goes on, I expect us to trust each other more and some of those things to be able to be explored.

This isn't really what you asked but I'll throw it in there, anyway. Yes, I'm happy to play within a person's limits, but it's also really cool to bring a person to the place where a certain kink or activity was a limit and they get to the place where they are willing to do it with you or for you. There's a special kind of buzz that is associated with it. Not that it's something that you can rush or try to put a time limit on. However, it is really great when it happens.

Edited for phrasing.

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 10:58:19 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

When I see a dominant post that I know it is likely some clueless noob using a catch phrase to "make me hot"

Okay, that just made me laugh.

I see the pushing limits phrase as a way for desktop doms to show how 'dominant' they are -- they're going to push your limits !!

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 11:06:39 AM

tantail57

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I don't want someone I've just met, or haven't learned to trust, to insist on pushing my limits, hard or soft. That tells me their mindset is not about my needs, just about theirs.
I am new, but I am not stupid.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 16

RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 11:17:24 AM

getoutnow

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Joined: 8/5/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
For guys that state that as their goal right from the beginning, I just assume that they're in it for the kinky sex.

Hmm, last part. Yes please! LOL.

As others have stated numerous times. As a Dom I am more than happy to take on someone with limits. I do however point out that there are some things I like that they have listed or spoken about. That way, I leave to them the decision to take me on.

Once I am in a relationship with a sub, the limits aren't even spoken about. I will leave it to the sub to know when the time is right to push them or it will be something that has happened organically as we were both in a scene and it just happened to be right at the time. Of course when that happens, we'll talk about it and go from there.

As someone else said, a lot of times hard limits are there to protect the sub against the noobs who are totally clueless and to protect ones self from harm.

Personally, I dont blame them.. :)

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 12:07:17 PM

HarryVanWinkle

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Limits are limits. If they're "pushable" they're not limits. Dislikes are not limits. "I'm not sure if I want to do this" is not a limit. "I'll only do this if 'forced'" is not a limit Limits are lines to NOT be crossed.

As a bottom, I don't set a whole lot of limits. Trying to "push" them will not only end the relationship, but could cause the top to wind up in jail. As a top, I do not cross the bottom's limits nor those I myself set during a scene.

Limits are subject to discussion, are subject to change. But, not DURING a scene.

(in reply to deliriuminabox)

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 12:34:09 PM

BamaD

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quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
For guys that state that as their goal right from the beginning, I just assume that they're in it for the kinky sex.

Hmm, last part. Yes please! LOL.

As others have stated numerous times. As a Dom I am more than happy to take on someone with limits. I do however point out that there are some things I like that they have listed or spoken about. That way, I leave to them the decision to take me on.

Once I am in a relationship with a sub, the limits aren't even spoken about. I will leave it to the sub to know when the time is right to push them or it will be something that has happened organically as we were both in a scene and it just happened to be right at the time. Of course when that happens, we'll talk about it and go from there.

As someone else said, a lot of times hard limits are there to protect the sub against the noobs who are totally clueless and to protect ones self from harm.

Personally, I dont blame them.. :)

Not only will I accept someone with limits I insist on limits.
When a woman tells me she has no limits I ask if that means I can kill her because that is what no limits means.
If she says yes I'm gone.
If no I help her articulate them.
Often they include things she hadn't thought anyone would ask of her.
Fortunately I have no kink that is a deal breaker if she won't do it.
Anyone can spread their legs. There are far less I would want to be around the rest of the time.

< Message edited by BamaD -- 8/11/2013 12:35:24 PM >

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RE: Pushing Limits - 8/11/2013 1:15:05 PM

UllrsIshtar

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It would depend on what he meant by 'pushing limits'.

I love to push my own limits by taking more than I think I can take, playing well beyond safewords, and well into the realm of consensual non-consent.

If he's to eager to go there, I'd back off, because it means he isn't considering how risky it is for himself to go to a place with me that could potentially land him in jail if it turns out I'm full of shit. That by itself would indicate that once thinking with his dick he stops thinking with his head, and would mean we're not a good match.

If he's talking about pushing my actual hard limits (which deal with stuff like "no amputation of body parts, or pieces of body parts without very rigorous prenogotiations" then I'd also loose interest, for similar reasons as listed above, and additionally, signs of serious mental instability.

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I am the dirt you created
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