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RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 1:03:23 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: theshytype

I can't say what I'd do in your situation because I wouldn't tolerate being with someone that disallowed me from seeing friends or family, or have to barter to that extent to do so.

If you do go through it, and he attends the wedding with you, something tells me he won't exactly be enjoyable company.

Do you honestly believe his proposition to be a reasonable one?


Yeah this, he never tells me I can't see my friends or family or puts conditions on my being able to see them. He may occasionally say I had plans for us but most often he gives me a kiss and says have fun.

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 1:06:17 PM   
MASTERLIX


Posts: 79
Joined: 7/4/2007
From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
Status: offline
quote:

Initially I set a deadline for our current relationship ( if things don't get better ill leave). If I decide to leave I guess I can attend the wedding.


Ok, this Master of yours could be an ass...

But is this really a Master/slave relationship? If it is, why would you set a deadline on an M/s relationship that if things don't get better you'll leave? Are you saying that you were in a relationship with him before, where things went bad? You also said, "your current relationship" with him. That would also suggest that you and he have been down this road before.

But this is still a Master/slave relationship...right? Or, you are both using Master and slave as terms of endearment?

SL

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 1:33:36 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX
You also said, "your current relationship" with him. That would also suggest that you and he have been down this road before.

But this is still a Master/slave relationship...right? Or, you are both using Master and slave as terms of endearment?

SL


They were in a vanilla relationship. She gave up everything to move to him. 8 months into the relationship he says that he wants a relationship where she has no say. He's calling it D/s.

So, in effect, it has been two relationships....and most of us here wouldn't refer to the relationship as either D/s or M/s.

You really need to read her other posts to get a feel of what he's like.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MASTERLIX)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 1:42:30 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		The op knew the answer before she asked here. The reason for posting and posing as someone needing advice is, she wants us all to know what a good little slave she is and what a forceful Master he is!!! Pukes a little.
Has the op taken a word anyone has said here on board? of course she hasn't because the only words she wanted to hear was, 'be a good girl and suck your Masters cock'.

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 1:47:11 PM   
tommonymous


Posts: 404
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22


Even if he let me go alone it wouldn't be fair to him. He will be alone all by him self on new year's .


Is it fair to you that he compel you to miss a huge event in the life of a close friend (who will note your absence) so that you can be with him on NYE? It might be different if you both had prior, once-in-a-lifetime, plans. But, by the sounds of things, he just wants to keep you at home with him. Your friend does have once-in-a-lifetime (I hope) plans that she wants to include you in. How could you miss that with a clear conscience?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
Initially I set a deadline for our current relationship ( if things don't get better ill leave). If I decide to leave I guess I can attend the wedding.


So, you're marking this down in the "Actions of a soon-to-be-single-dickhead" category, right? Right?

_____________________________

"Remember kids. Just because it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all." --Hillwilliam

And just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it will (or ought to) work for everyone.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 2:06:32 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

Even if he let me go alone it wouldn't be fair to him. He will be alone all by him self on new year's . If he comes with me I will be so nervous because I don't want any fight at my friend's wedding . Plus it wouldn't be fair to him if I ask him to spend the new year's with people he doesn't like.


I can't imagine choosing to live with someone who I couldn't trust to behave in public for a few hours. I've had fuck buddies that I wouldn't bring to weddings, but never live-ins.

Has he met your family or you his?

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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 2:22:31 PM   
stellashadow


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/29/2012
Status: offline 		I don't have much experience as a sub/slave. I've only been in a M/s for about 5 months, but your master sounds like an abuser. You should not have to pick between your friends/ family and your significant other. A master is suppose to cherish/ care/ love for his property. You should never have to worry about how he will act in public/ how he will treat you/ your friends. Some may disagree, but imho a BDSM relationship requires TRUST first and foremost. Without such, it is doomed for failure. The fact that you can't trust your master around your friends is a BIG warning flag.


< Message edited by stellashadow -- 8/12/2013 2:23:10 PM >

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 2:36:39 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I haven't talked to my mom in ages & my dad lives in another province. So, no he hasn't met my family. Yes, I met his mom . He hasn't embarrassed me in public to be honest. He got in to fight with my ex-roommate once and I'm just nervous (over thinking) that they might get in to fight again at my friend's wedding.
MariaB : Ouch. I said that before I post here because I wanted to talk to other's before making my decision. I don't need anyone's approval ( or anyone pity me! ) if I decide to give him bj every night. I won't leave him before the deadline. I promised to gave him a chance and he knows I will leave if things dont get better by then.


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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 2:41:09 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		What you are displaying is the perfect codependent behavior. You always have an explanation for why he does this or that even in the face of complete logic that is being presented to you by rational people.

If I had a relationship right now the only way that I would tell my significant other that she could not see a friend is if I had a damn good reason to prevent it, and it would be well communicated and not a big, huge mystery. And even after that, I would let her make the choice, not me.

The word trust has been used, and you do not trust him to control himself around your friends because he doesn't like them. Allow me to truncate that sentence a bit:

You do not trust him to control himself. You do not trust him.

Now, I don't know about anyone else on these boards, but if I could make this statement in a relationship, there is no fucking way in hell or anywhere else that I would allow this person to dominate me. Period. End of discussion. Trust in general in a relationship is a sacred thing, trust in BDSM is essential... without trust there is nothing and no submissive that is in their right mind would submit to someone they do not trust, and yet here we are.

I hope the hell that you come to your senses and quickly. If you allow this ridiculous relationship to continue you may find yourself a broken human being, or worse, dead. Perhaps that is a bit of an alarmist statement, but nothing else seems to be getting through to you. Stop making excuses for this person. Start standing up for yourself. This is your life. I don't care what you gave up to be with him, it isn't worth the toll that it will take on you just to find out that we were right. Stop kidding yourself. You don't trust him... and if you do, then there is nothing that anyone can do except watch and wait and pray that it isn't too late for you when this is all over.



< Message edited by Gauge -- 8/12/2013 2:49:50 PM >

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 2:43:38 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
I promised to gave him a chance and he knows I will leave if things dont get better by then.



So, you think that him using sex as a weapon in order for you to go a friend's wedding is "things getting better"?


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 2:47:52 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
I won't leave him before the deadline. I promised to gave him a chance and he knows I will leave if things dont get better by then.



They won't get better. Something is fundamentally wrong with him. Unless he has an epiphany of some sort you are wasting time. Ask yourself why you have to set a deadline at all. Ask yourself. Go on, ask. And be honest. If this was a healthy relationship you would have no reason to set the deadline... and setting a deadline is your last bastion of hope that we are all full of shit and you are right about him and he is the One for you.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 3:06:18 PM   
MarieDomina


Posts: 68
Joined: 8/20/2010
Status: offline 		This guy sounds like an abusive predator who decided he is going to adopt this lifestyle to prey upon unsuspecting and naive young women. This guy is no Dominant. He is an abuser. Using BDSM in order to justify his abusive and controlling nature. The best thing for her to do is get out of this situation. Go back to her home town and find a nice guy to date and live a happy life. This guy probably came off as sweet and caring in the beginning in order to gain trust. Then sprung this D/s stuff on her once he knew she was into him and most likely in love at the time. The forced anal and the bleeding and him not caring is a huge red flag. When will the physical abuse start and he then states it is a part of the lifestyle? She needs to do herself a favor and get the hell out of there before she is emotionally damaged. She is already enduing physical abuse at the hands of this scum bag. I suspect she will stay because she has low self esteem, don't know any better, has no where else to go, or is in love with this piece of shit.

< Message edited by MarieDomina -- 8/12/2013 3:09:05 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 3:13:37 PM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
Even if he let me go alone it wouldn't be fair to him. He will be alone all by him self on new year's . If he comes with me I will be so nervous because I don't want any fight at my friend's wedding . Plus it wouldn't be fair to him if I ask him to spend the new year's with people he doesn't like.
Initially I set a deadline for our current relationship ( if things don't get better ill leave). If I decide to leave I guess I can attend the wedding.

Who gives a fuck what is fair to him! Just walk out of his door and never walk back. Keep going until you are back with your friends.

_____________________________

"I tend to pay attention when Rule speaks" - Aswad

"You are sweet, kind, and ever so smart, Rule. You ALWAYS stretch my mind and make me think further than I might have on my own" - Duskypearls

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 3:38:13 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		He doesnt use sex as a weapon. He gave me the option & letting me decide.
Gauge: We are going through a rough time I know that . He promised to work on his communication skill (hence the deadline) . He has already changed his shifts so he can spend more time with me. He shows more affections . Still a long way left but at least he is trying.
MarieDomina: I can go back home and stay with my best friend anytime. I know if i call my dad , he will help me financially . I'm not some abused woman who has no place to go. I do care for my partner & love him with my whole heart . That's why I gave him one last chance



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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 3:41:58 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

He doesnt use sex as a weapon. He gave me the option & letting me decide.


He told you that in order to get what you want, you have to perform sexually. That is text book using sex as a weapon.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 3:44:27 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		BTW: I don't ignore your advice! I came to this forum hoping to find a magic cure for our relationship. After reading your posts, I decided to give him one last chance to work on his flaws & if things don't get better it's time for me to move back home.

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I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 3:52:51 PM   
tommonymous


Posts: 404
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

After reading your posts, I decided to give him one last chance to work on his flaws & if things don't get better it's time for me to move back home.


I'm glad to read that, Sheela. Do you have a contingency plan in place should you need to move? Please don't mention to him that you will be or won't be leaving. If you decide to leave, just go. At that point, he'll have already squandered his multiple opportunities to make things right with you and you don't owe him anything. Not even notice or an explanation.

Also, I don't think his is a problem of communication. It's not as if he was unwilling or unable to make you understand that he didn't want you to go to your friend's wedding unless there was something big in it for him. It's not as if he had trouble telling you that he wasn't concerned about your pain and bleeding during anal.

He just doesn't seem to see any problem with you being used solely for his whim, regardless of the damage he might cause to you physically, emotionally, socially, or (likely) professionally. And that's not evidence of a problem communicating. It's evidence of a problem with being able to care for and about others.


_____________________________

"Remember kids. Just because it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all." --Hillwilliam

And just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it will (or ought to) work for everyone.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 3:53:35 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
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quote:

The op knew the answer before she asked here.

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”

― Erica Jong

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No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to MariaB)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 3:54:59 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline 		FR

To borrow from Dan Savage, DTMFA.

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to dcnovice)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 4:18:50 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Hi Sheela. I've stayed quiet while reading your other posts because you got very helpful and objective responses which I feel are right on the money.

I hope your 'get out date' is soon, and I hope he doesn't know it's coming. If you threatening to leave every time he acts like a douche is the only way to get him to even consider changing his behavior, those changes won't last.

Folks are on their best behavior in the first year of a relationship. It's not likely they'll improve their behavior after that, and indeed most can't even keep up the ruse for a even a few months. Your guy is an abusive, immature, insecure asshat. You gave up a lot to follow your dream (him) and my guess is you're sticking around because you don't want to lose full tilt on your sacrifices/investment. Unfortunately, you already have. So, on to part II:

If this is your first lesson in life about how to admit you made an unhealthy choice in partners, cut your losses and learn from the experience, then do it. As you become more proficient assessing other people's worth to you, you will make better and better choices in time.

Screw him and the horse he rode in on. Grow yourself a backbone and trust that you can, and will (if you leave him) do better.


(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 60
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