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RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 4:21:34 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

BTW: I don't ignore your advice! I came to this forum hoping to find a magic cure for our relationship. After reading your posts, I decided to give him one last chance to work on his flaws & if things don't get better it's time for me to move back home.


Here is the thing, and I do certainly understand that you want to give him a chance, however it sounds to me like the only reason he is even doing anything now is because you have told him you are going to leave. So, things get better for awhile and then right back where they were. My dear, he made you bleed from anal sex and he didn't care. He laughed about lube and called it gay even after you told him you were bleeding. If this doesn't tell you everything you need to know about who he REALLY is, then I don't quite know what will get that through to you. Sure people can change, but in that moment with the anal bleeding he showed you who he is. And you can't change that kind of calloused, unfeeling, behavior over night, if you can change it at all. He lacks compassion which is not what BDSM is about. As a dominant, yes I like to give some pain, yes I like to see women helpless, but I would be mortified if anything we did hurt the woman I was with. I wouldn't shrug it off, I would take steps, I would take her to a doctor to be certain everything was OK, I would care about what happened. It would never happen by my hand again, ever.

Have you heard that from him? Did he demonstrate any of that? We already know the answer. Since he didn't then what exactly are you hoping to accomplish? Think he will magically become something different than what he has shown you which is a basic lack of caring for your well being? You tell yourself it will get better, you tell yourself that he is going to change, and maybe when it doesn't happen you can tell yourself that he is trying and that he deserves more chances, and after that, he is sorry and he improves and things are OK... and then they aren't and you give him more chances because you love him and he professes to love you. You do realize that this is textbook behavior, don't you? It is the same thing battered women, abuse victims, and people that live with addicts tell themselves all the time.

I won't change your mind. Be free to do what you want in spite of everyone telling you that this man is not going to change who he really is. I hope you land on your feet, I really do.


_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 4:32:05 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I will start by saying New Years is a crap day to hold a wedding. First, friends probably have plans. Second if it doesn't work out NYD will be a constant reminder.

And for the BJ stuff, well I honestly have not been in a relationship where a BJ a day was unusual. But if it is unusual for you, then he sure has a handle on how to make something which was good, a chore.

I haven't commented much on your other posts because it reminds me too much of my marriage. Slavery was introduced into my mind at about 6 months into our marriage. When I see people being tossed into those same dark and deep waters I want to yell RUN

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 4:45:13 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		Gauge : I didn't need to tell him I bled lol he saw it . It wasn't a little bleeding lol.. I did see my Dr the day after. My partner said I bled because I was not used to it & I was nervous and it would get better over time when i learn to relax . We haven't had anal ever since thou (my suggestion)
MistressDarkArt : my deadline is Sep 1st.

< Message edited by Sheela22 -- 8/12/2013 5:11:03 PM >

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(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 4:51:24 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline 		I've introduced anal to many women. Some who even said they would never ever try it. The words over my dead body came from their lips.

But still we did it. Still they were warmed up, fingers, the sensation of getting used to that alone, weeks would go by. I would associate the feeling of them cumming when I licked them out with anal. When they used a vibe and later hitachi with anal. Soon finger replaced by toys, vibrator, dildo and finally my cock. At the end, it would be my cock and hitachi and then squirting.

In nearly all cases. We'd even just do anal and nothing else. Yes start from it. That's how much experience they had and how much trust and a bond they had with me.

This is how someone who cares about the other persons enjoyment does it. At no time would ever a sub bleed. EVER.

Your Dom on the other hand is a baboon. He has no idea how to be a Dominant nor a Master. The very thought of him trying to be one makes me laugh. The very mention of him wanting BJs all the time. Just shows his in experience and most guys who think of being Dominant, quickly suggest BJs.

That's a quick shout out to all the other subs out there. If your Dom says oh hey suck my dick because I dont know of anything else to do. Means you are with a crappy stupid lazy idiot.

< Message edited by getoutnow -- 8/12/2013 4:52:31 PM >

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 6:10:18 PM   
descrite


Posts: 459
Joined: 5/14/2012
Status: offline
Uh-huh.

And, from another perspective: weddings are stupid. Going to a three-hour event of contrived traditions and rote methodology does not make you a good friend. Getting a gift for someone's dumb We-Love-Us! party does not make you a good friend.

You are a good friend if you stay in touch with this person for 12 years. Talk to her on the phone when she's sad, lost her job, had to put her dog down, or it's raining. Answer all her emails in timely fashion. Be there for her when the product of this stupid ceremony tanks out, and she's no longer married.

These things are all far more important than attending a ridiculous indulgence in stupidity.

A relationship is not built on weddings. A marriage is not built on honeymoons. And your friendships ought not be based on obligations set by people you are not fluid-bonded with (your friend's impending spouse, say).



Who the fuck plans a wedding on New Year's, anyway? That is some self-serving assholery, right there.

(in reply to getoutnow)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 6:20:02 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Your choice. I can't imagine Master ever telling me that I couldn't go back to see a good friend get married. He would most likely want to come along also because he knows I like him to be with me. We have fun together.

Now that's not to say Master wouldn't give me something to think about like you said but he would just do it as a game..not as a reason not to go back and see my best friend get married.

But in the end it's your decision. How important is this wedding to you? Why doesn't he go with you? Have you asked him?

This story just gets more and more interesting.


ETA: How many more friends are you willing to lose over him????


< Message edited by littlewonder -- 8/12/2013 6:22:23 PM >

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 66
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 6:23:38 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Gauge : I didn't need to tell him I bled lol he saw it . It wasn't a little bleeding lol.. I did see my Dr the day after. My partner said I bled because I was not used to it & I was nervous and it would get better over time when i learn to relax . We haven't had anal ever since thou (my suggestion)
MistressDarkArt : my deadline is Sep 1st.


So he didn't stop even though he saw that you were bleeding a fair amount.
And as I understand it the reason he did not stop was because he thought your enduring pain for him was really hot.

What did your doctor say when you explained that your bf wanted you to have anal sex without lube?

My suggestion is to invite your former room-mate to be your date at the wedding.


I have a Master, Sheela22.
He did not put me into a position of forcing me into accepting that is the kind of relationship He wanted to have.
He let me know up front.

Having said that, He has had vanilla girlfriends that He introduced to BDSM.
But it was never anything He forced on anyone, nor did He manipulate things to get what He wanted.

He is [my] Master because He proved himself to be trustworthy, over and over again.

His words and actions match up.




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(as deemed by He who owns me)

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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 6:35:52 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: descrite


Uh-huh.

And, from another perspective: weddings are stupid. Going to a three-hour event of contrived traditions and rote methodology does not make you a good friend. Getting a gift for someone's dumb We-Love-Us! party does not make you a good friend.

You are a good friend if you stay in touch with this person for 12 years. Talk to her on the phone when she's sad, lost her job, had to put her dog down, or it's raining. Answer all her emails in timely fashion. Be there for her when the product of this stupid ceremony tanks out, and she's no longer married.

These things are all far more important than attending a ridiculous indulgence in stupidity.

A relationship is not built on weddings. A marriage is not built on honeymoons. And your friendships ought not be based on obligations set by people you are not fluid-bonded with (your friend's impending spouse, say).



Who the fuck plans a wedding on New Year's, anyway? That is some self-serving assholery, right there.


Oddly enough, some people in the world go see their friends get married. Honest, it does happen. Not everyone feels that marriage is worthless, but obviously you do. Thanks for sharing.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to descrite)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 8:42:07 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

MistressDarkArt : my deadline is Sep 1st.


We'll be waiting to hear, and I'm guessing many of us would be happy to celebrate and support your choice if you decide to go.

You deserve happiness, and good people around you. Your current 'partner' does not qualify for either.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 9:07:03 PM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline 		Just out of curiousity, Sheela, how is it that this character has such control over your life, yet hasn't taken away the computer privileges, over the constant questioning of his actions here?

A wedding is an ancient ritual that is held in high regard by many people. For those to whom it matters, the attendance of family and dear friends can be a critical component. For your little BF to intrude into something so personal is the mark of a deeply insecure personality.

I would attend, and have a serious issue with being told not to go.

_____________________________

If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.


(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 9:20:01 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I told him that I joined a forum . He said as long as I don't share any picture, private info ( where he works, what he does,..) and no skype , video or phone , its fine. He has my laptop and IPad's password so he can check if he wants.
MistressDarkArt : I actually hope things get better by then ...

< Message edited by Sheela22 -- 8/12/2013 10:06:15 PM >

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I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

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RE: What would you do? - 8/12/2013 10:12:02 PM   
MalcolmNathaniel


Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline 		This is a no-brainer: RUN, don't walk.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 7:32:44 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I promised to gave him a chance and he knows I will leave if things dont get better by then.


From the website MariaB gave you yesterday. Note: I don't have enough info to label your man a sociopath; I wanted to draw your attention to the cycle. You seem to be in stage 4 at the moment.

The Cycle Of Abuse In a Relationship with the Sociopath or Narcissist



The sociopath and the cycle, rinse, spin, repeat pattern

...Each time the sociopath makes empty, false promises to be a ‘good’ ‘productive’ person and to do all that they promised to do in the first place, you are hopeful that things will change and you will have a ‘normal’ relationship. This is especially true if you still love the sociopath, or if you have invested so much in terms of time, energy, emotions, love. To finally hear that they are going to be the person that they pretended to be, or that they will fulfil empty promises, makes you want to stay there, after all you don’t want to be wrong, you don’t want to have invested all of that time and energy for nothing.

The truth is, that the sociopath WILL keep (no matter what they say) repeating the same behaviour over and over. Even if they have all the best intentions in the world not to do so. You would therefore only be setting yourself up for more of the same behaviour.

...Things might change, for a short period of time, but the boredom factor kicks in, and then all promises are out of the window, and things return as normal. You wonder how did you get dragged back into this yet again?

The washing machine analogy is a good one. Being in a relationship with a sociopath, you can actually feel as if you have been through the cycle of the washing machine, left with your head spinning. If you allow it, the sociopath, they will lure you back in to do the cycle all over again. Do you want this?

This is the cycle of abuse. If you are feeling confused, or like your head has been stuck in the fast spin of a washing machine, this is why. You are being programmed by the sociopath, manipulated and controlled. Even after the relationship has ended the sociopath will still play games, manipulate and control you. Either using others to do this, or by deliberate silence, or letting you know what a great time they are having now you are not in their life (after all it was all your fault). That they are happy and you are miserable (this isn’t true either).

This is just a ruse. It wasn’t your fault. There was nothing that you could have done to change things. You cannot control, or change a master manipulator. Nobody can. We are all responsible for ourselves. We can only change ourselves, nobody else.

Read more: http://datingasociopath.com/2013/07/29/the-sociopath-and-the-cycle-rinse-spin-repeat-pattern/


< Message edited by kalikshama -- 8/13/2013 7:33:25 AM >

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RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 10:49:02 AM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		Whoooo boy, true dat! ^^^^^

Sheela, were you hoping he'd read your posts here, note the end date, and magically get it together by Sept 1? 2 weeks to change a lifetime of shitty behavior?

Get that exit plan together, you're going to need it.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 8/13/2013 10:51:12 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 74
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 12:23:13 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I don't think he loves me any more. Tuesdays are his day off that he suppose to spend the day with me. Again he got in to an argument with me on Monday night and he went out and left me all by myself on Tuesday :( He told me before leaving the house this morning that he is sick of my whining and bitching, and i was being a brat and he will punish me once he comes back . He probably is going to going to ignore me again which breaks my heart :( Considering I have already transferred my school & got a job here I won't go back home. I will move out of his place soon though.

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RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 12:26:43 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		The most likely explanation is that he's seeing another woman and picking a fight with you to have an excuse to get out of the house.

Regardless, do NOT accept the punishment.

When does your job and school start? I think you'd be better off near friends.




< Message edited by kalikshama -- 8/13/2013 12:32:15 PM >

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RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 12:43:05 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

The most likely explanation is that he's seeing another woman and picking a fight with you to have an excuse to get out of the house.

Regardless, do NOT accept the punishment.

When does your job and school start? I think you'd be better off near friends.



Ugh.. The thought of him being with another woman makes me sick. I feel like crap. I shouldn't have complain so much and put pressure on him.
September. No, I want to find a place and settle before September. I wanna be alone. I really don't want to see any friends.


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I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

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RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 12:46:27 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
I shouldn't have complain so much and put pressure on him.



And there we go with the abuse cycle again. You are not responsible for his behavior...and he is behaving badly.

His actions have proven that this is not someone with care for you...and yet you continue to make excuses and blame yourself.

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 12:59:19 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

He told me before leaving the house this morning that he is sick of my whining and bitching, and i was being a brat and he will punish me once he comes back .


Oh, Jeebus Effing Cripes, how much more of this are you going to take? Do you have some emergency money? Can you get a friend or relative to loan you some if you don't? It's time to get the hell out of there, even if it means going to a motel and NOT telling him where you are. Cut all contact NOW, and if you have any doubts just remember your bleeding butt.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 1:02:57 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		I'm fine . He is not gonna hurt me . He will stop touching me and ignoring me . I know him. Yea, considering he paid the bills since I came here I have a little savings. I might call my dad and ask for a little financial help.

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I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

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Profile   Post #: 80
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