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RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 1:08:18 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Personally if I were you I'd call dad and ask him to come and get you and take you back home. I personally don't think you're ready to be on your own.


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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 1:10:01 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Sheela - is the administrative office at your new school open? If you explain to them that you need to leave an abusive partner they often will help - they might be able to find you temporary accommodation in a dorm.

Gather up your personal documents, whatever money you can find, clothes, prescription meds. Tell a friend you are leaving and check in with them often - have them call the police if contact stops. Don't tell him you are going - just go. If any of those things are missing or he has taken them from you, get to the police station and report them stolen. Do not answer the phone to him, agree to meet him or go back to the house.

I am deadly serious. The part where you attempt to leave is the most dangerous part. Reconsider returning to your home town - I know you gave up a lot and set your schooling back a semester, but it's a small price to pay for safety and sanity.

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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Profile   Post #: 82
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 1:15:01 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I don't think he loves me any more. Tuesdays are his day off that he suppose to spend the day with me. Again he got in to an argument with me on Monday night and he went out and left me all by myself on Tuesday :( He told me before leaving the house this morning that he is sick of my whining and bitching, and i was being a brat and he will punish me once he comes back . He probably is going to going to ignore me again which breaks my heart :( Considering I have already transferred my school & got a job here I won't go back home. I will move out of his place soon though.


Make it clear when he gets back that you are not accepting this "punishment," and will call the authorities if he touches you. You will however, submit to a thorough discussion with him about the issues and work things out with him like two adults.

He cannot be trusted to lay a hand on you - it's clear that he's an abuser and uses things like a fight with you, or a desire of yours to go do something, as an excuse to hurt you physically and emotionally in nasty ways. Get this through your head...HE IS NOT A DOMINANT! He's a fucked up nasty piece of work. Why can't you see the shit that he does - you need some help to get some healthy relationship boundaries. You'll be fodder for the next assclown (or the same one, over and over) that comes along till you do.

You saying there are problems and being unhappy does not equate whining and bitching. He's trying to make you feel guilty for normal things and it's working. I'll also say that when someone ignores me as "punishment" I consider that abusive - it is not called for, he's only doing it to hurt you. What does that say about him that he prefers having you grovel and give in instead of making the relationship with you better? What a twat. He's putting on a costume and calling it BDSM so that he has more excuses to treat you like shit. Wtf is wrong with you that you don't see this and the fact that he's a toddler in a man's body? He'll never give you a satisfying, healthy relationship. He's a dangerous baby. Get the hell out.

Don't stick around. You say you'll leave and you might actually do it, if you stay there you'll get sucked in again. He'll be wonderful, woo you with flowers, be as sweet as pie and you'll fall for the ruse just like you did already. Get up and go. Transfer your school back, its some time and effort and not the end of the world. Big deal, you changed your mind, they'll deal with it, not like no one has ever done it before. Your new job will get along without you and you'll find another job to replace it. You owe them nothing at this point. I know it was exciting to you that you got the job, but right now it's holding you back and keeping you in a place you shouldn't be in because you're sick right now and in danger of being a victim of your own fucked up ideas of what constitutes a relationship.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 1:15:16 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		littleWonder : My dad lives in the East coast ( not the city I used to live) . It's 5.5 hour flight to here . I'm not close to him any ways. I might ask my best friend ( my previous roommate) to come and help me move and spend a few days with me ( if he has time of course). I'm fine. I have been dumped before, I'll be okay.

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I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 1:19:36 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Personally if I were you I'd call dad and ask him to come and get you and take you back home. I personally don't think you're ready to be on your own.




She is NOT ready to be on her own. She's not healthy. She needs to realize this and get help. She can't trust herself, she's done such a stellar job of not choosing well for herself already. You know what? There's no shame in that. Realize you need help OP and go get it, till you're in a better place mentally and emotionally there is no shame in putting yourself in a place of safety where you can't fuck yourself up again.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 85
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 1:26:16 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I don't think he loves me any more. Tuesdays are his day off that he suppose to spend the day with me. Again he got in to an argument with me on Monday night and he went out and left me all by myself on Tuesday :( He told me before leaving the house this morning that he is sick of my whining and bitching, and i was being a brat and he will punish me once he comes back . He probably is going to going to ignore me again which breaks my heart :( Considering I have already transferred my school & got a job here I won't go back home. I will move out of his place soon though.


Make it clear when he gets back that you are not accepting this "punishment," and will call the authorities if he touches you. You will however, submit to a thorough discussion with him about the issues and work things out with him like two adults.

He cannot be trusted to lay a hand on you - it's clear that he's an abuser and uses things like a fight with you, or a desire of yours to go do something, as an excuse to hurt you physically and emotionally in nasty ways. Get this through your head...HE IS NOT A DOMINANT! He's a fucked up nasty piece of work. Why can't you see the shit that he does - you need some help to get some healthy relationship boundaries. You'll be fodder for the next assclown (or the same one, over and over) that comes along till you do.

You saying there are problems and being unhappy does not equate whining and bitching. He's trying to make you feel guilty for normal things and it's working. I'll also say that when someone ignores me as "punishment" I consider that abusive - it is not called for, he's only doing it to hurt you. What does that say about him that he prefers having you grovel and give in instead of making the relationship with you better? What a twat. He's putting on a costume and calling it BDSM so that he has more excuses to treat you like shit. Wtf is wrong with you that you don't see this and the fact that he's a toddler in a man's body? He'll never give you a satisfying, healthy relationship. He's a dangerous baby. Get the hell out.

Don't stick around. You say you'll leave and you might actually do it, if you stay there you'll get sucked in again. He'll be wonderful, woo you with flowers, be as sweet as pie and you'll fall for the ruse just like you did already. Get up and go. Transfer your school back, its some time and effort and not the end of the world. Big deal, you changed your mind, they'll deal with it, not like no one has ever done it before. Your new job will get along without you and you'll find another job to replace it. You owe them nothing at this point. I know it was exciting to you that you got the job, but right now it's holding you back and keeping you in a place you shouldn't be in because you're sick right now and in danger of being a victim of your own fucked up ideas of what constitutes a relationship.


I don't know... I know when he really loves something/someone he pays 200% attention to that person. But once, he stops loving someone he acts like that person doesn't exist. It's not just his partner, he is like that with everything (friends, coworkers,..) . I might go to my bestfriend back home (if I checked online & late night tickets are available ) for a few days then decide what to do.

_____________________________

I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 1:30:18 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I know it hurts, I know the disappointment, I know the emotions, the urges. You need to do this, step back and really think about this. Even if you both love each other, it is still a toxic situation that is broke, nobody can fix it.

Somebody is there that loves you and wants you, it will happen.


Absolutely, take those days apart and alone, and think this thru.

My best to you.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 1:39:15 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I have to tell you. I'd be gone before he got home.

It's safer and that way he doesn't have the option of trying to coerce you into staying.

Someone I know was killed by a man that she swore would never hurt her. She told him she was moving into her own place, he didn't believe her until it came to moving day.....and he stabbed her to death while she was loading up her things.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/13/2013 1:41:44 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 88
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 1:56:33 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I have to tell you. I'd be gone before he got home.

It's safer and that way he doesn't have the option of trying to coerce you into staying.

Someone I know was killed by a man that she swore would never hurt her. She told him she was moving into her own place, he didn't believe her until it came to moving day.....and he stabbed her to death while she was loading up her things.


^^^ THIS ^^^

This is a real prospect if you try to leave while he is around.

I would make sure that he leaves for work and GET OUT while he is away!!
Make sure your well gone and away MANY HOURS before he's due back home.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 2:12:54 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		My ex and I were having what I thought was a very amicable breakup and he suddenly became a real jerk the week before he moved out and additionally stiffed me for the last month's rent. I wouldn't have guessed in a million years that he would have changed like that.

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(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 2:25:16 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		My husband of over 20 years did some stuff you would not believe, including taking my child out of school and bring her to live with him without telling me. The only reason I knew she was gone was b/c the school called. No, we didn't have a custody agreement in place. I 'trusted' him.

Sheela, we are telling you these stories for a reason. Please listen.

I'm sure schooling is important to you, as it should be. But your life and well being has to be the most important thing. Get yourself around people who care for you, and let yourself heal. There are many people here pulling for you.

You CAN break away. We did. Now I'm married to the most marvelous man in the world.



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Profile   Post #: 91
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 2:34:12 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Sheela,

You got excellent and patient advice from lots of people, experienced in life and relationships.

Some of us had relationships with sociopathic men who exhibited what your guy does.

Take this as a virtual slap in the face: just stop it right now, stop making excuses for him and yourself, don't waste any more time on this, hope won't make it better. You made a mistake, you are young and have a lifetime to live and find more healthy relationships and learn about you.

Just do whatever you need to do to leave. Pretend you have a kid to protect.

Stop focusing on him. Focus only on you.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 4:50:49 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		He came home shortly after lunch. He hasn't talked to me since he came home. I'm in the basement doing laundry and he is upstairs drinking and watching TV. I talked to my friend and he told me that I should fly back and stay with him. I'll leave tomorrow morning (he has an early shift and leaves the house early morning). I already bought my ticket.

_____________________________

I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 4:52:26 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		Weird part is after I posted here, couple of guys sent me PM asking if I want them to be my Dom now that I'm leaving him..lol..I made my profile hidden

< Message edited by Sheela22 -- 8/13/2013 4:56:07 PM >

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I type from my IPad.. please excuse my typos

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Profile   Post #: 94
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 5:01:44 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

He came home shortly after lunch. He hasn't talked to me since he came home. I'm in the basement doing laundry and he is upstairs drinking and watching TV. I talked to my friend and he told me that I should fly back and stay with him. I'll leave tomorrow morning (he has an early shift and leaves the house early morning). I already bought my ticket.



Wow! That's awesome! Good luck with everything. I think in time you'll get more and more confirmation that this was the right thing to do. Good for you Sheela.

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 95
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 5:10:59 PM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		Good luck Sheela, I echo Lizi and I just sent you a message on the other side.

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Profile   Post #: 96
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 5:23:10 PM   
dcnovice


Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

I'll leave tomorrow morning (he has an early shift and leaves the house early morning). I already bought my ticket.

Brava, Godspeed, and good luck!

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No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 97
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 5:32:20 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Weird part is after I posted here, couple of guys sent me PM asking if I want them to be my Dom now that I'm leaving him..lol..I made my profile hidden


Sheela22, good to know you are leaving that guy. I know I have been harsh on you before. But please trust me. Things will only start to get better now.

Think of tomorrow as the first day of your brand new life. Where you can decide where it goes and how it ends up. You have a world of possibilities out here, anything is possible. :)

I would keep your profile hidden and just delete those other emails. I would say its far too early for another relationship. Also no actual DOM only a loser guy would message you. Everyone knows you need time. You need time to grieve, time to heal and time to ask yourself what do YOU want.

At the end of the day, you may find you want a vanilla guy with Dom tendencies in the bedroom. You may find you want control in your life. My point is, you will have the time to decide what YOU want. Not have something forced upon you like this guy did.

Just remember, if the next guy tries to take short cuts and tries to Dom you in the same way. Shut him down, instead of he is attentive, pays attention to you, listens to you, doesn't ignore you, is interested in your well-being AAAAANNNNDDDDD is firm with you, offers you guidance, understanding and is someone who you can build a D/s relationship with as that's what he wants and you then agree to. Maybe, just maybe you can try again.

I wish you the best of luck. :)

(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 98
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 5:59:12 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22




quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

I don't think he loves me any more. Tuesdays are his day off that he suppose to spend the day with me. Again he got in to an argument with me on Monday night and he went out and left me all by myself on Tuesday :( He told me before leaving the house this morning that he is sick of my whining and bitching, and i was being a brat and he will punish me once he comes back . He probably is going to going to ignore me again which breaks my heart :( Considering I have already transferred my school & got a job here I won't go back home. I will move out of his place soon though.




I don't know... I know when he really loves something/someone he pays 200% attention to that person. But once, he stops loving someone he acts like that person doesn't exist. It's not just his partner, he is like that with everything (friends, coworkers,..) . I might go to my bestfriend back home (if I checked online & late night tickets are available ) for a few days then decide what to do.


Sheela, love is not words.
Love is actions.
Love is behavior.

He pays attention to things that interest him
That is not the same as love, no matter what he says.

He has consistently behaved in ways that show a disregard for your well-being and welfare; that is not indicative of someone who loves you.

This is how the author Robert A. Heinlein described love: “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”

It pretty much seems like the only happiness that is essential to him is his own.
Once they stop serving his purpose, he loses interest.
There is nothing remotely connected to love with that pattern of behavior.

Try to realise in time that this man did not love you.
(Not because you somehow failed him, he just is not capable of loving anyone.)

His words and actions did not match.

_____________________________

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(as deemed by He who owns me)

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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: What would you do? - 8/13/2013 6:00:27 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Good luck. Please be very careful until you know you are safe. Hope everything goes well for you.

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(in reply to Sheela22)
Profile   Post #: 100
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