Different stances on drinking alcohol (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master



Message

HerrKeuner -> Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 1:24:10 PM)

I'm a dominant. I'm not sure how to deal with this case, so I'm asking other dominants for ideas.

I do not drink alcohol, nor do I approve of its usage due to my philosophical stance. However, I'm aware that I'm in the minority, so it's probable that the potential submissives that I can get to know will not share my views about the matter (i.e. they'l drink socially, or they'll like wine and beer when they eat). My doubt is how to deal with these circumstances: I think that a flat-out prohibition/ forcing her into my standards could have social consequences for my potential submissive: my folks know that I don't drink, but her folks may be puzzled about the sudden change. It's true that I'm her dominant, I wouldn't want to alienate my submissive from her circles. However, as her dominant also, I'd like for her to take example of me.

How would you deal/have you dealt with this questio?



OsideGirl -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 1:43:06 PM)

Personally, when I was single I looked for someone that shared my moral/core values.

You can't make someone else change their morals or values. You might convince them to change those for themselves.

You might find someone that is willing to agree to not drink, but I wouldn't expect them to change their morals or values over it.

As for her friends and family having an issue with her not drinking....it's really none of their business. If pressed beyond that, a simple "I'm trying to be healthier" would stop most people from pursuing it further.

I will say though, that I wouldn't have been interested in someone that pulled the "I like you, now change" routine.



AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 1:46:07 PM)

I think this is a question which will be much easier when you have a submissive. There are just too many variables to make a plan for any future submissive.

That said, you have a few basic choices:
- Find someone who shares your opinion, or who is disinterested in drinking for other reasons
- Make it clear from day one what your expectations for a sub would be, so that she can decide to move on if it doesn't fit with her lifestyle
- Decide what level of compromise you are willing to make and find someone who fits that.

It's a basic compatibility issue. All relationships require compromise in some areas, even on the part of the dominant. So you need to decide, is this so important to you that you'd be unhappy with a partner who likes to drink? And she needs to decide whether not drinking would make her unhappy. Or, is this one of the areas you can compromise in? Only you can answer that.

My dominant husband does not drink at all. There are no rules about me drinking, but since he doesn't, I rarely do either. I have a glass of wine maybe once a month. I've never missed out on a social event or been pressured by friends to drink - it just hasn't been a problem. If I had been a party girl out late drinking three nights per weekend, we wouldn't have been a good match.

It's probably going to be far less of a problem than you are expecting assuming you chose someone who fits into your world. Don't overthink it. As with most relationship decisions, if you care about the other person's wellbeing and communicate well, it will resolve itself.



FetishGirl4same -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 1:47:40 PM)

I don't necessarily think that you are in a minority. I think that it depends on the circles that you socialize in. If a person doesn't drink or socialize in circles of people who do, they are more like likely to find others who do not drink. However, I do think that the 18-25 age group is more likely to drink or socialize in circles of people who do.



DaddySatyr -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 2:23:36 PM)

I can only relate this to the use of marijuana. For me, it is morally repugnant. I certainly seem to be in the minority around here.

That's fine. I have no right to tell anyone else what they can do with their life except ...

If you want to be in my home, you can't be high. If you want me to spend time with you, you can't be high. If you want to be my lady, you can't be high.

Now, I don't share your personal prohibitions to alcohol but I don't get drunk and I won't tolerate that in any lady that wishes to enter into an intimate relationship with me.

My best suggestion (and boy, is this going to sound strange) start putting the phrase: "I'm looking for some of Bill W's friends" in your profile. That is a "key phrase" that denotes people who are involved in A.A. (or sometimes, Al-Anon where one might find a high percentage of non-drinkers).

This would eliminate her family "wondering" why she stopped drinking but it might add some insanity to your life so try to stick with ladies that have some sober time accrued.



Good luck,



Dr. Bob



sunshinemiss -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 3:04:02 PM)

I live where drinking alcohol to excess is not only the norm, but it is expected in business and personal lives. If you don't drink and get completely drunk, you are considered 'not a team player' and someone with something to hide.' By the same token, this country has the highest level of liver disease in the world. It can be a dilemma. However, I simply can't abide it. I learned early on to stay home on Friday night and to tell people I have 'religious reasons' for not drinking to excess. This and medical reasons are the only acceptable reasons to say no. It can be done if it is someone's core belief. I couldn't be with a man who expected me to get wasted on the weekends with him. A beer or glass of wine? Sure. A glass or two of champagne until I'm a little giddy, yes... but falling down, sloppy drunk? no. I don't like being that out of control. I don't feel safe. So for me, to give it up completely would be no big deal to give up alcohol. Frankly, I don't need it. I enjoy it, but meh.

I would not say that you should look for a friend of Bill W. While it denotes someone in AA, it also shows that it is someone who has had a drinking problem and will always have it as an issue in their life. You may find it easier to just be around healthy people... who have a different set of issues. I wouldn't say eliminate them from your pool, but don't go looking for people who have a problem with the one thing you don't want in your life. That would be... setting yourself up a bit. Even if they don't drink, there will be issues with it in helping others, and alcohol will be an ever present character in your world.

best,
sunshine



HerrKeuner -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 3:08:43 PM)

Given that I am in the upper tier I'd 18-25, I'd say my experience is that most people of my age drink socially. I would guess that, as Athena points out, I may be overthinking the whole matter. Smoking is a huge NO for me so I simply don't consider those people. However, since drinking is much more prevalent and not as nasty a habit (in moderation), I'm more inclined to negotiate the matter somehow.

I'd like to thank everyone for your kind feedback.



DarkSteven -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 4:02:51 PM)

My sub drank occasionally when I met her. I didn't then, and I don't now.

We now attend several places that do not serve alcohol, and she does not drink. We also attend one that has beer, and she has a beer there.

If you get to choose the venues you go to, just pick dry ones.



ResidentSadist -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 4:23:49 PM)

I had an ex alcoholic as slave once. I stopped drinking so as not to burden her with undue temptation. I looked at it like I was trading a small pleasure (drinking) for the greater pleasure of having a real nice slave that wasn't stressed out watching people drink all the time. If you have a problem with alcohol and don't want to be around it, perhaps she can look at it as trade off like I did.

Otherwise it seems like no big deal. Sorta' like you prefer meat and she veggies. Let her eat or drink what she likes best. I eat a lot of meat. My slave likes more veggies and too much meat upsets her stomach. So she fixes our plates differently. I don't feel she has to eat what I eat so I have no issue with it. The same would apply to having a drink.



MercTech -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 5:42:26 PM)

I find nothing more irritating that people that try to shove alcohol at you and get angry when you don't want to imbibe. And don't get me started about that minority in business that think "I would never trust anyone that won't drink with me."

I have a drink on occasion but I haven't imbibed to excess since I had to drink my dolphins. It just isn't something I care for.



NuevaVida -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 5:56:44 PM)

"I prefer a non drinker" on your profile should suffice. Like sunshinemiss said, I wouldn't make the Bill W reference. It will invite an AA attendee to believe you would also attend AA meetings, and creates a perceived compatibility that isn't there.

Buy yes, like others have said, look for compatibility in this area.




ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 6:05:24 PM)

You decide that you prefer a non-drinker, and stick to your guns. There is nothing wrong with not drinking alcohol and preferring that your partner not drink alcohol.

Himself rarely drinks, and when we first met I drank much more. Some of it from habit, some of it as pain medication. Over the years I've drank less and less, and now I have a few drinks a month. I'm good with that.

I wouldn't get into changing someone's drinking habits, that's a personal issue. If Himself had ever tried to force me not to drink, that wouldn't have turned out well.





littlewonder -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 6:15:23 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: HerrKeuner

I'm a dominant. I'm not sure how to deal with this case, so I'm asking other dominants for ideas.

I do not drink alcohol, nor do I approve of its usage due to my philosophical stance. However, I'm aware that I'm in the minority, so it's probable that the potential submissives that I can get to know will not share my views about the matter (i.e. they'l drink socially, or they'll like wine and beer when they eat). My doubt is how to deal with these circumstances: I think that a flat-out prohibition/ forcing her into my standards could have social consequences for my potential submissive: my folks know that I don't drink, but her folks may be puzzled about the sudden change. It's true that I'm her dominant, I wouldn't want to alienate my submissive from her circles. However, as her dominant also, I'd like for her to take example of me.

How would you deal/have you dealt with this questio?


Wait and find someone who shares your morals and values. Why date someone who you are going to be uncomfortable with around every single time she has a sip of wine or wants to have a girl's night out with her friends?

There are women out there who don't drink at all...not one tiny drop, just like you. All you have to do is stand by your bootstraps and wait. No one said waiting is easy. This isn't any different than any other kind of dating out in the world. The same rules apply.



DesFIP -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 6:41:13 PM)

I have a couple of glasses of wine a year. The Man drinks rarely these days. Usually a beer or two while dealing with car repairs.

He drank more when we met but there's not much fun in drinking alone and me refusing to have one made him look at his usage. Additionally, if he's planning to drink while out we need to arrange for someone else to drive. I won't drive in a car with a driver who has had more than one and I can't drive at night. So that also set limits on his drinking.

But you need to be clear about this first thing with people you chat to. That a glass of wine at Thanksgiving is fine, but going out drinking after work nightly is not. You decide what you can live with and what you can't and then seek someone who is fine with those limits. Just as we look for kink compatibility you need to talk about alcohol usage compatibility.



crazyml -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/16/2013 11:51:03 PM)

Ok, so this might seem a little snarky, but I hope it might provoke a little thinking from a different perspective...

I'm curious about the "philosophical stance". Perhaps you should be challenging this. Moderate drinking doesn't cause harm to the drinker or others so I can't see how there could be a valid philosophical stance against it.

In a "big year" I may drink the equivalent of 10 pints over the full 365 days; essentially I don't drink. I choose not to, not for any health or moral reason, I simply don't.

I cannot, however, see the problem with a partner who drinks moderately, and I would really like to better understand how anyone could.




Gauge -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 12:41:31 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: HerrKeuner

I'm a dominant. I'm not sure how to deal with this case, so I'm asking other dominants for ideas.

I do not drink alcohol, nor do I approve of its usage due to my philosophical stance. However, I'm aware that I'm in the minority, so it's probable that the potential submissives that I can get to know will not share my views about the matter (i.e. they'l drink socially, or they'll like wine and beer when they eat). My doubt is how to deal with these circumstances: I think that a flat-out prohibition/ forcing her into my standards could have social consequences for my potential submissive: my folks know that I don't drink, but her folks may be puzzled about the sudden change. It's true that I'm her dominant, I wouldn't want to alienate my submissive from her circles. However, as her dominant also, I'd like for her to take example of me.

How would you deal/have you dealt with this questio?


I am a former hardcore alcoholic with 13 years of continuous sobriety. You don't want someone that drinks? Then don't have someone that drinks. However you better get used to the idea that not everyone shares your personal feelings and that alcohol use will not go away just because you wish it to do so. Whatever your philosophical ideas on the subject are, I would be happy to hear them because they might provide some insight to your dilemma.

For me, even though I do not drink I would not forbid someone that I am with to drink. There are people in this world that can drink, I am not one of them. I do not keep it in my home for any reason, not because I might be tempted, but because it would be pointless for me to have because I do not drink. If a friend is going to come over and they want to drink, I tell them they are free to bring whatever they would like with them. I also ask them to take whatever is left back home with them. Of course if someone I was with had problematic drinking I would not likely get involved with them, not because of the fact that they would be drinking, or be drunk around me, but I loathe the chaos that ultimately results when one is deep in an addiction. That chaos is the part that I do not wish to be around seeing that I have been not only the out of control alcoholic, but also on the other side of alcoholic chaos from my parents and a few friends and a partner or two.

Do whatever makes you happy, and I am sorry if this is going to sound a little harsh, but if you find someone that you are out of your mind infatuated and in love with and they are not a problematic drinker but they do drink on a few occasions, get your head out of your ass and just be happy. You may have the most solid reasons for not wanting a drinker in your life and if so, have at it... I respect that. But if that came in between being happy with someone and rejecting them for some moral high ground, then it is your loss.

Please share this philosophy if you feel comfortable doing so.



HerrKeuner -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 1:25:12 AM)

Well, my idea is basically that drinking alcohol is not worth my while. There is nothing that an alcoholic drink can give you that a non-alcoholic one can't, and they're more expensive.Therefore, I don't drink. More or less that's the stance I have towards the rest of drugs: they can't give me anything worthwhile, so I won't engage with them.

However, social dynamics are like they are in my country (alcohol is relatively cheap, too) and drinking socially is highly prevalent. The only people I have come to know that don't drink here tend to be deeply religious and/or belong to cults. Neither apply to me, but I still get the same puzzled looks when I say "I don't drink at all" as though I was bringing The Watchtower door-to-door. I distinctly hate those times when my friends tell me that I should have a drink or two, when we're out and about. I feel pressured and uncomfortable.

Still, while I personally would prefer that people didn't drink, I know it's not my business whether they do. However, my point of conflict is the fact that my submissive is not just "people", but someone I'd know and like to get to love. I am seeing that there is no clear-cut answer, but that I will have to consider the context very specifically.

Again, thanks for your input :)



sunshinemiss -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 3:00:18 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

I cannot, however, see the problem with a partner who drinks moderately, and I would really like to better understand how anyone could.




Hello ml,

For some people, the smell of alcohol or the taste of it on someone else's lips can have some pretty harsh consequences - flashbacks from abuse and such. I've known people that simply couldn't handle it being around due to that or from physical responses from it. There are people who are allergic as well.

For the flashbacks and bad experiences, most people would of course do well to deal with it (in therapy, Al-anon or simply figuring it out), but there are those people who just won't or don't want to... As I'm thinking about it, it occurs to me that they could be in the midst of figuring it out - rather like someone who has been abused by men needing some "NO MEN ALLOWED" time to sort feelings out. And then they can dip their toe in the water and then jump back in the pool. (Does this make sense?)

best,
sunshine



SunTzuSwe -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 4:43:07 AM)

Imho you would have a better argument if you simply don't enjoy the company of inebriated people. Your feelings about alcohol being worthwhile is your problem, why make it somebody else's? Simply don't spend your money on buying drinks for her and be happy. The health argument would be ok as well or previous traumatic experiences but what you're talking about is just nonsense. And don't forget that you can find pretty decent non-alcoholic beer and wine today. It's quite possible to go out drinking with your buddies and staying sober.
So yeah, I'd tell you to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself what the real problem is.




crazyml -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 4:57:11 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: HerrKeuner

Well, my idea is basically that drinking alcohol is not worth my while. There is nothing that an alcoholic drink can give you that a non-alcoholic one can't, and they're more expensive.Therefore, I don't drink. More or less that's the stance I have towards the rest of drugs: they can't give me anything worthwhile, so I won't engage with them.


That's a perfectly sound and sensible approach to take. Note you said "not worth my while". I have the same relationship with alcohol. Drinking alcohol doesn't do anything for me. I have many friends, however, who enjoy a drink. I don't judge them for it, nor would their moderate drinking have any bearing whatsoever on my decision to have them as a friend or be in a relationship with them.

Yes, as sunshinemiss pointed out there can be a whole range of valid reasons why being in a relationship, or even a friendship, with someone who drinks even only occasionally might be unsupportable but "drinking does nothing for me just doesn't seem like a sensible reason.


quote:


However, social dynamics are like they are in my country (alcohol is relatively cheap, too) and drinking socially is highly prevalent. The only people I have come to know that don't drink here tend to be deeply religious and/or belong to cults. Neither apply to me, but I still get the same puzzled looks when I say "I don't drink at all" as though I was bringing The Watchtower door-to-door.


Yep I'm familiar with this. And the assumption that is sometimes made that I'm probably a recovering alcoholic. (Which is nothing to be ashamed of, but still annoying to be attributed to me as a label).

quote:



I distinctly hate those times when my friends tell me that I should have a drink or two, when we're out and about. I feel pressured and uncomfortable.


Do you think it's their intention to make you feel pressured? I sometimes feel pressured and uncomfortable, but I have to say that it's very rare that that was the intention of the people who I feel pressurized by.

quote:


Still, while I personally would prefer that people didn't drink,


I'm just not clear "why" you would prefer people not to drink. The fact that it doesn't do anything for you doesn't seem like a very good reason.

That would be a bit like me saying "I would prefer people didn't bungy jump".

quote:



I know it's not my business whether they do. However, my point of conflict is the fact that my submissive is not just "people", but someone I'd know and like to get to love.

I am seeing that there is no clear-cut answer, but that I will have to consider the context very specifically.



There rarely is a clear cut answer, and you are totally free to express any preference you choose to - And it's no business of mine to judge you for it.




Page: [1] 2 3 4 5   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.0625