RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style?

RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (Full Version)

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freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/23/2014 1:15:16 PM)
The "FR" means "Fast Reply" which means it is to nobody in particular and to everyone. I would have thought you'd learned that by now.

LadyPact -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/23/2014 2:39:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman quote: ORIGINAL: VideoAdmnOmicron FR: While having more than one account/nick is allowed, posting under more than one nick on a thread is not. Kindly explain what are you talking about? I only have one account and one name. I'll try to help you out. Here on CM, some folks have multiple profiles, which the site does allow. However, sometimes folks use more than one screen name on a thread that is open for discussion and that can lead to some BS and negativity. They'll use their multiple profiles to support their own position when the thread isn't going their way or it can be something as simple as an honest mistake and they don't realize which nick that they have logged in on. The comment isn't necessarily directed at you specifically. All forum posts are logged in chronological order. That "in reply to" feature comes in to the person who posted last if one of the "reply" or "quote" options aren't used. Somewhere during the course of this seven page thread, a Mod had to go in and delete a post because someone used more than one account during the discussion. If the Mod had hit the "reply" feature to the multiple nick, everybody would know who that was, even if the post was removed. I'm kind of a computer twit, but after you've been on CM a while, you kind of pick up on these things. Hope that helps.

VideoAdminGamma -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/23/2014 3:35:20 PM)
Notice that it starts with "FR". That means it is using "fast reply" and not directed at any single person, but just a general warning. Thanks, Gamma quote: ORIGINAL: Blueswordsman quote: ORIGINAL: VideoAdmnOmicron FR: While having more than one account/nick is allowed, posting under more than one nick on a thread is not. Kindly explain what are you talking about? I only have one account and one name.

Blueswordsman -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/23/2014 3:45:19 PM)
Thank you for the explanation

LadyPact -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/23/2014 4:15:53 PM)
You are welcome. It takes some getting used to and you'll even find that, depending on what section you are posting in, folks do it differently. For example, if you dip your toe in the Politics and Religion section, folks who frequent those discussions are much more hard core about it. Anyway, I appreciate you starting the topic. I think some good conversation came out of it.

Blueswordsman -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/23/2014 4:29:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact You are welcome. It takes some getting used to and you'll even find that, depending on what section you are posting in, folks do it differently. For example, if you dip your toe in the Politics and Religion section, folks who frequent those discussions are much more hard core about it. Anyway, I appreciate you starting the topic. I think some good conversation came out of it. You're right... There is a lot more hard core (ass fucking) going on in Politics and Religion than D/s

FieryOpal -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/23/2014 4:45:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FieryOpal quote: ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian When I care that much for someone, it's impossible to keep them as slaves and think of them as slaves. And again, that's not because there isn't affection that I might share with a slave, but the intimacy and structure is different. I agree with you that this is why I cannot think of my love partner as a slave either. <Musingly> Is that why there seem to be so many Domme/Dom couples? In some cases, they can't see their s-type(s) as partnership equals or marriage-worthy? (See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4640085/tm.htm) Since I'm not poly, I can't see this type of pairing for myself, and I question the viability of being paired with a switch as well, although I am open to that long-shot possibility.

LadyPact -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/23/2014 4:45:17 PM)
Hey, I don't even dip My toe in the pool down there too often. Those folks are far braver than Me. Some of them are good people, though. I can get to a meeting of the minds with most folks. So, to avoid any of the Mods for having to shake their finger at Me for being off topic, do you feel that you got a range of opinions on this thread? Did it lead you to an understanding of how folks might do things differently? What is your personal conclusion?

LittleGirlHeart -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/23/2014 4:55:59 PM)
Love is a requirement in my D/s . Yes.

LadyPact -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/23/2014 5:17:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FieryOpal <Musingly> Is that why there seem to be so many Domme/Dom couples? In some cases, they can't see their s-type(s) as partnership equals or marriage-worthy? (See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4640085/tm.htm) Since I'm not poly, I can't see this type of pairing for myself, and I question the viability of being paired with a switch as well, although I am open to that long-shot possibility. Nah. From My perspective, that's not it at all. Who you fall in love with isn't necessarily all about your kink/power imbalance side. There are those who "need" their kink and/or authority structure and those who simply want it. As you may have surmised, I'm the latter. Unlike some, I don't sit and pine away when kink isn't a part of My life. Instead, I'm actually quite content because I have the person in My life that I'll grow old with. One of the tenants of poly is that no one person has to be your everything. It's great when that happens, but it's not necessarily so. Not everybody out there is another person's 100%. What if you get 95% and you're ridiculously happy with that 95, but depending on your outlook, that last five percent weighs on you like a burden you can't shake? Poly isn't about what you don't have. It's all about what you gain. I see it like I can have both dinner and desert. Having both compliments the other. Before anyone misunderstands, I can promise you that I'm not trying to change any hard-wired monogamy people into trying to be poly. I'm not trying to convince anyone that they shouldn't be "in love" with the person on the other side of the kneel if that's what they want. Do what's right for you. Just accept that not everybody does it the same way.

Blueswordsman -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/24/2014 7:15:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact , Do you feel that you got a range of opinions on this thread? Did it lead you to an understanding of how folks might do things differently? What is your personal conclusion? I have always been a closet bedroom Dom who get his thrill by having ladies serve and obey. I had an amazing life long monogamous relationship with my sole mate and wife. Over the last five years I've had several D/s adventures. They just weren't as exciting or enjoyable but still fun. YES!, I got my answer. If you love and share with someone, It's better. I also learned their is no black or white in D/s we each bring our own dynamic. Perhaps 5 million shades of Grey with an occasional splash of color. My conclusion is ... I like blogging about D/s it has helped me understand.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/24/2014 11:26:50 AM)
~FR~ Nope, love isn't a requirement for me, but that's got nothing to do with D/s. I don't experience emotions the same way as most people do, and I'm not even sure I'm capable of experiencing 'love' the way people usually think of the concept (there is both evidence for and against my ability to experience love in a traditional sense, so the matter is undecided). Because of that I don't put too much importance on 'love' as an ideal. I can take it or leave it, depending on circumstances. The one thing I really do require from my primary relationship, especially a D/s one is security. With secondary relationships this is less important, but my primary relationship needs to mean enough to the other person that they cannot just decided to abandon it on a whim. This is also where the vacuum cleaner analogy for me stops. At some point in the past I would have told you I'd be okay with a D/s based on no further emotional ties than one has to a vacuum cleaner, today I realize that's not the case, as one may casually dispose of a vacuum cleaner, which is something I'm not ok with. So for most practical purposes, I'm stuck with love as a requisite, as most people don't engage in the type of pair-bonding/mutually assured security without first feeling love. Which leaves me with the dilemma that for a primary relationship, with most humans, I need a partner who both loves me, and who is also conceptually ok with the idea that I may or may not love him in the way he defines love, but that the lack of love doesn't make me any less committed to him.

Blueswordsman -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/24/2014 12:14:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar ~FR~ I don't experience emotions the same way as most people do, and I'm not even sure I'm capable of experiencing 'love' the way people usually think of the concept (there is both evidence for and against my ability to experience love in a traditional sense, so the matter is undecided). Because of that I don't put too much importance on 'love' as an ideal. I can take it or leave it, depending on circumstances. The one thing I really do require from my primary relationship, especially a D/s one is security. UllrsIshtar, I understand security trumping the need for love. Do you think, if someone surrenders themselves because they care for you the power exchange is more satisfying?

bachus -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/25/2014 9:52:31 AM)
My being a newbie and all was thinking of just lurking around for a while, making a joke or two until you all get used to me, which can take a while. But this is a questions that touches some of my core believes in BDSM. Every relationship is unique and D/s relationships are not different. Everybody has needs, sometimes we need pain, sometimes we need attention, some people need love, some humiliation and some need indifference. If you have a need to dominate or be dominated and it is not being met, however much you love a person it will simply not be enough. Most of us have made that mistake, me included. The same applies to the need to be loved, if love is an essential part of who you are and you need to be loved than without love your relationship is doomed. For me both are needed, Dominance and love have to be an integral part of the relationship. If not, it is simply not a relationship for me. However love can grow, if there is trust, respect and chemistry it is my believe that in a D/s relationship love will grow, it will come naturally, if both parties want it. But not everybody wants it or needs it. So although I am a hopeless romantic and I would wish i could answer by saying love is an essential part, I really believe it depends on the people involved in the relationship. For some love will actually be disastrous, and for some without love it will never be a relationship.

GoddessManko -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/25/2014 10:05:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bachus My being a newbie and all was thinking of just lurking around for a while, making a joke or two until you all get used to me, which can take a while. But this is a questions that touches some of my core believes in BDSM. Every relationship is unique and D/s relationships are not different. Everybody has needs, sometimes we need pain, sometimes we need attention, some people need love, some humiliation and some need indifference. If you have a need to dominate or be dominated and it is not being met, however much you love a person it will simply not be enough. Most of us have made that mistake, me included. The same applies to the need to be loved, if love is an essential part of who you are and you need to be loved than without love your relationship is doomed. For me both are needed, Dominance and love have to be an integral part of the relationship. If not, it is simply not a relationship for me. However love can grow, if there is trust, respect and chemistry it is my believe that in a D/s relationship love will grow, it will come naturally, if both parties want it. But not everybody wants it or needs it. So although I am a hopeless romantic and I would wish i could answer by saying love is an essential part, I really believe it depends on the people involved in the relationship. For some love will actually be disastrous, and for some without love it will never be a relationship. Intensely well put :)

slavekate80 -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/25/2014 10:15:40 AM)
I agree, bachus - well, my own desires are different, but I'm completely with you on "it depends on the people involved." It bothers me that there's often an attitude, especially in the vanilla world, that only a certain type of relationship is good or healthy and everything that doesn't fit that profile is bad. I think that's only true for people whose needs and desires are close matches to certain societal norms. An analogy would be to say something like "Adults need 2000 calories a day." Fair enough for the average person, at least as a starting point, but it's probably too much for an elderly, sedentary woman, and not enough for a young, athletic man. People seem to understand that individuals' physical needs are different from each other, so what constitutes a healthy lifestyle for one person might be horribly inappropriate for someone else and there are only a few basic guidelines that are good for nearly everyone. Emotional needs are the same way. There might exist a basic template for positive relationships that works well enough for the average person, but it has to be tweaked for individual needs, and some people are outliers who need something that's radically different. A lot of people do need love, as it's typically described or at least close to it, to be happy in a relationship. Some experience love differently and their ideal relationship doesn't look quite the same as the stereotypical picture of a good relationship. And some don't need it at all, and prefer other characteristics of a relationship over feelings of deep emotional connection.

MarcEsadrian -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/25/2014 7:12:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavekate80 A lot of people do need love, as it's typically described or at least close to it, to be happy in a relationship. Some experience love differently and their ideal relationship doesn't look quite the same as the stereotypical picture of a good relationship. And some don't need it at all, and prefer other characteristics of a relationship over feelings of deep emotional connection. For D/s in general, I think that's quite true, though the only nit I'd have is with the potential liberty one might take in between the lines above that love and absence of deep emotional connection are mutually exclusive. There are ways of establishing deep emotional/psychological connections without requited love, I'm sure you agree.

kalikshama -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/25/2014 7:27:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bachus Welcome bachus! Glad you jumped in :)

slavekate80 -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/26/2014 10:52:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian quote: ORIGINAL: slavekate80 A lot of people do need love, as it's typically described or at least close to it, to be happy in a relationship. Some experience love differently and their ideal relationship doesn't look quite the same as the stereotypical picture of a good relationship. And some don't need it at all, and prefer other characteristics of a relationship over feelings of deep emotional connection. For D/s in general, I think that's quite true, though the only nit I'd have is with the potential liberty one might take in between the lines above that love and absence of deep emotional connection are mutually exclusive. There are ways of establishing deep emotional/psychological connections without requited love, I'm sure you agree. Yes, that makes sense. I've even experienced that in some way, though D/s wasn't part of it - I've had close bonds with friends but we were certainly not in love with each other and I'm not sure we even loved each other in a more generic sense. But we definitely cared and the connection was more than "someone I hang out with after work."

LadyConstanze -> RE: Is Love part of the D/s life style? (2/26/2014 2:42:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: FieryOpal <Musingly> Is that why there seem to be so many Domme/Dom couples? In some cases, they can't see their s-type(s) as partnership equals or marriage-worthy? (See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4640085/tm.htm) Since I'm not poly, I can't see this type of pairing for myself, and I question the viability of being paired with a switch as well, although I am open to that long-shot possibility. Nah. From My perspective, that's not it at all. Who you fall in love with isn't necessarily all about your kink/power imbalance side. There are those who "need" their kink and/or authority structure and those who simply want it. As you may have surmised, I'm the latter. Unlike some, I don't sit and pine away when kink isn't a part of My life. Instead, I'm actually quite content because I have the person in My life that I'll grow old with. One of the tenants of poly is that no one person has to be your everything. It's great when that happens, but it's not necessarily so. Not everybody out there is another person's 100%. What if you get 95% and you're ridiculously happy with that 95, but depending on your outlook, that last five percent weighs on you like a burden you can't shake? Poly isn't about what you don't have. It's all about what you gain. I see it like I can have both dinner and desert. Having both compliments the other. Before anyone misunderstands, I can promise you that I'm not trying to change any hard-wired monogamy people into trying to be poly. I'm not trying to convince anyone that they shouldn't be "in love" with the person on the other side of the kneel if that's what they want. Do what's right for you. Just accept that not everybody does it the same way. This, and I am not poly in the traditional sense, I have sex with my partner (and no matter what people might think D/D sex is not boring, even if you don't switch, think about 2 egotistical people taking what they want and it just works for both), we're poly in the sense that he doesn't mind if I whip somebody else or have somebody else under my control and I don't mind if he spanks a shapely female ass, but sex in the traditional way is us two. I have D/s relationships where feelings are involved, not "romantic" or "sexual" love, but if I don't like somebody or have some sort of a bond, it's not quite the same, it's all about how you define love... And whatever makes people happy, I'm cool with it.

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