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Friends and family - 3/17/2014 3:57:06 PM

kkaliforniaa

Posts: 263
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

Having a support system is important in all aspects in life, maybe more so in regards to BDSM. The problem becomes, how do you learn if a friend of family member is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo? Logically, if they are open minded about some things, they might be open to others, but just because 1 + 1 = 2, doesn't mean you have two of the same item

Post #: 1

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 4:17:53 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I have never felt the urge to discuss the details of my sex life with my family or friends...not when I was vanilla and not now that I'm kinky.

The only people that know I'm kinky are friends that I have made in the community.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 2

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 4:38:49 PM

siouxsiecat

Posts: 10
Joined: 12/26/2011
Status: offline

Why do you need a support system for BDSM? I'm honestly wondering about that. Is it really a tough thing for you or something?

Yeah, I leave my family and non kinky friends out of this part of my life, it would be selfish of me to push anything kinky on them. They have the right to be free of any knowledge of what I do in my sex life. The other way around too…I don't need to know what my Dad likes in his ass when he's crawling on the floor being flogged by my Mom, what my cousin does in his gimp suit, or what my Aunt wants as far as rope bondage. Even if my family were kinky I'd feel weird discussing intimate things with them.

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 3

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 4:42:09 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

Having a support system is important in all aspects in life, maybe more so in regards to BDSM. The problem becomes, how do you learn if a friend of family member is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo? Logically, if they are open minded about some things, they might be open to others, but just because 1 + 1 = 2, doesn't mean you have two of the same item

Does it matter? Is there some reason you need to tell your family and friends of your sex life?

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 4

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 4:56:08 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

While I agree that having a support system is helpful, the idea that it is more so for BDSM people is just that myth being promoted that kink relationships are more special, more honest and more real. Nonsense.

Like the others, I don't understand why you have a need to share intimate details of your relationship.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 5

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 5:11:52 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

MCI is out of the picture right? Why I need somebody to support my bidnezz?

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 6

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 5:17:11 PM

kkaliforniaa

Posts: 263
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

I never said that you had to discuss intimate details with anyone, just shouldn't you have someone you could go to in case something happened? And how can you rely on friends you've made in "the community" if you aren't part of "the community"?

And if you thought I was talking about sharing intimate details, then maybe it is you that secretly want to share details with friends and family. Just saying

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 7

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 5:20:29 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I'm not part of a "community" and when I was single and dating I just said to my friends "Hey, I'm going on a date. Call me in about 10 minutes in case he's a creep and I need a quick escape".

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 8

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 5:22:53 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Personally, I thought the original lacked clarity.

My grown children do know. They know that I'm kinky and they know that I am poly. I still am not sure of how that applies.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa
And if you thought I was talking about sharing intimate details, then maybe it is you that secretly want to share details with friends and family. Just saying

This statement was just asinine.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 9

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 5:25:57 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

Having a support system is important in all aspects in life, maybe more so in regards to BDSM. The problem becomes, how do you learn if a friend of family member is open minded enough to accept your interest in the taboo? Logically, if they are open minded about some things, they might be open to others, but just because 1 + 1 = 2, doesn't mean you have two of the same item

...??? Why would you need a support system in BDSM ? It has never been neccessary for me to have that support system.... To me that like needing to have a support system for sex! Just doesn't work in my world

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 10

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 5:43:26 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

I don't need friends or family to support any aspect of my sexual life in general, so why on Earth would I need their support as far as BDSM goes? Quite honestly, what I do and who I do it with is none of their business as it is anyway. I'm capable of handling my business all on my own

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 3/17/2014 5:44:06 PM >

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 11

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 5:53:33 PM

SpyUnderCover

Posts: 208
Joined: 6/21/2010
Status: offline

I have told very close vanilla friends, those that I felt certain would not judge me. I've been tempted to tell family members, not because I need the support, but because I dislike living lies. If I were gay, I'd want them to know I was gay. If I were trans, I'd want them to know that. When I disclose involvement in BDSM to non-kink people, I keep it pretty general. They would know, for example, that I'm dominant and not submissive, but they don't need to know details.

I don't think there is any one good way to determine how accepting or supportive someone will be. I just base it on my overall experience with the person. Sometimes I decide to risk being honest about kink, knowing they may choose to distance themselves from me. It hasn't happened yet.

Spy

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 12

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 6:00:03 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

Some handful of close friends know.
But I see no reason to discuss my sex life with my family unless I were entering a relationship with a girl or a poly relationship...and even then I would wait for it to be very serious and I'd only tell them because it is nice to give them a heads up about my orientation.

(in reply to SpyUnderCover)

Post #: 13

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 6:18:15 PM

Domnotlooking

Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline

Remember: Once that bdsm genie is out of the bottle, you won't be able to coax it back in -no matter how much you get judged or ridiculed about it. There's no real upside and plenty of downside. How's that 1+1 = headache math equation working for you?

That said, my sister in laws are hot into 50 shades and assorted other retreads. My wife offered to lend them the 6 hour Brazilian version of the Story of O. I was kicking her under the table.

< Message edited by Domnotlooking -- 3/17/2014 6:19:07 PM >

(in reply to shiftyw)

Post #: 14

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 6:47:37 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

My family was accepting when my cousin came out as gay in the 80s and when I came out as bi in the 90s. I'm out as kinky, but my vanilla friends and family don't have details.

quote:

shouldn't you have someone you could go to in case something happened?

When I had my one bad experience with someone from CM, I bitched to the chick who had assured me he was safe and also vented to my kinky friends. It would take too long to get vanillas up to speed.

quote:

And how can you rely on friends you've made in "the community" if you aren't part of "the community"?

Welcome to the collarchat community! I've learned lots here. This is only my second internet forum and at first I was put off by the bluntness here, but I developed a thicker skin and learned to chose my words more carefully.

If something bad happened to you and you post about it here, you can expect these types of responses:

1. Supportive
2. Blunt but useful
3. Posts that make you want to scream

The trick is to focus on 1 & 2 and ignore 3.

If something bad happened because you made common bad decisions, you might want to process it here, where you'll get a lot of "I made that stupid mistake too; here's what I learned" rather than to your friends and family who may think you did something idiotic and not understandable.

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 15

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 6:50:28 PM

smileforme50

Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline

Funny thing.....many, many years ago when I first started exploring bdsm online, I was living with my mother. I was in a chat group on IRC and one night as I was sitting there chatting I was laughing about something and she asked me what was so funny. I don't remember what it was, but she came up behind me and read something over my shoulder that related to D/s or kinky sex and she laughed. I commented to the people in the group that my mom was sitting there reading over my shoulder, so they needed behave.

That just made the discussion get even livelier and then the group leader started asking my mom questions....nothing rude or vulgar....actually pretty vanilla, but a bit flrtatious. My nick on IRC was "butterfly"....and as the conversation progressed, the group leader started calling my mother "Momma Butterfly"....and from that point on, every time I signed into the group, everyone asked me how "Momma Butterfy" was doing.

So...my mom knew I was talking to people all with the common interest of bdsm.....but she never said anything about it. She just always told me to tell them hello when I was chatting...and she responded cleverly to some of their jokes and made jokes back to them.

But I don't know what her reaction would be if she knew I was actually in such a relationship. She wouldn't judge me because of "kink"..... she might be worried that I was taking a risk of getting hurt, but I think she has enough faith in me that I'm not that crazy stupid. But....I don't think she would understand the concept of D/s that flows through the relationship outside of the bedroom....and she sure as hell wouldn't understand if I told her I was someone's slave.

_____________________________

“Give it to me!” she yelled
“I’m so fucking wet! Give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted…..I was keeping the umbrella.

(in reply to shiftyw)

Post #: 16

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 6:51:25 PM

Blonderfluff

Posts: 2253
Joined: 10/9/2013
From: Down the Shore
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

My family was accepting when my cousin came out as gay in the 80s and when I came out as bi in the 90s. I'm out as kinky, but my vanilla friends and family don't have details.

quote:

shouldn't you have someone you could go to in case something happened?

When I had my one bad experience with someone from CM, I bitched to the chick who had assured me he was safe and also vented to my kinky friends. It would take too long to get vanillas up to speed.

quote:

And how can you rely on friends you've made in "the community" if you aren't part of "the community"?

Welcome to the collarchat community! I've learned lots here. This is only my second internet forum and at first I was put off by the bluntness here, but I developed a thicker skin and learned to chose my words more carefully.

If something bad happened to you and you post about it here, you can expect these types of responses:

1. Supportive
2. Blunt but useful
3. Posts that make you want to scream

The trick is to focus on 1 & 2 and ignore 3.

If something bad happened because you made common bad decisions, you might want to process it here, where you'll get a lot of "I made that stupid mistake too; here's what I learned" rather than to your friends and family who may think you did something idiotic and not understandable.

Awesome post.

_____________________________

Don't fear moving forward slowly...fear standing still.

I'm Blonde. Jane Blonde.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 17

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 7:18:08 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I just wonder, before you got into bdsm and you went out on dates or went to a bar to get casually fucked, did you make sure that all your family knew that you were going out for the night to get fucked? If not, why?

When you go out to meet people at a girl's night out, do you make sure your family is aware? If not, why not? That's your "community" too isn't it? Why don't you need support for that either?

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Blonderfluff)

Post #: 18

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 8:08:33 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kkaliforniaa

I never said that you had to discuss intimate details with anyone, just shouldn't you have someone you could go to in case something happened? And how can you rely on friends you've made in "the community" if you aren't part of "the community"?

And if you thought I was talking about sharing intimate details, then maybe it is you that secretly want to share details with friends and family. Just saying

1) I can have someone to go to without giving them the details of how my relationship is run or what my sexual preferences are.

2) If you're not part of the community then that's on you. Some of my closest friends in the whole world are people that I met at socials and events.

3) As for that last comment, it's just pure deflection on your part with no basis in psychology. It's just lashing out because someone hit a nerve and it's immature.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kkaliforniaa)

Post #: 19

RE: Friends and family - 3/17/2014 8:53:38 PM

kkaliforniaa

Posts: 263
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline

Thank you SpyUnderCover, smileforme50, and kalikshama, your responses have been the most helpful and supportive!!

As for me, I have a few friends who I can talk about sex with, but if something were to happen to me, they wouldn't do much. Then I have some friends [and of course family] who if something happened, they'd be worried, but some of them I know would be judgemental, so telling them that I'm interested in any of this would not be good. There are some I'm not sure about, which is why I've been thinking about how to bring it up. Nothing like having yet another person judge you and all that *shrug*.. And then there are the online people, which yes, if I had a bad experience, I could easily come on here for support. BUT!! I don't think it's the responsibility of online friends, no matter how close you are, for them to be an emergency contact or the person who sends out the search party if you haven't talked to them by a certain time

Cool story smileforme50. I'm kind of jealous that she took the chat so lightly. Growing up, sex wasn't talked about in the house. And when it was found out that I had been going in to chatrooms and or looking at porn, I was scolded, kind of. So telling my parents.. Probably not the greatest of ideas, but I think, at least in my case, someone should still have some knowledge of some of this so they can kind of be a buffer. Nothing like hiding where you're going from the whole world just because some people are judgemental. It doesn't benefit me, and for the people who care about me, they're left worrying as well.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 20

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