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Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 2:01:57 PM   
bravHrt1950


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/20/2013
Status: offline 		If a person post a profile on CM and they have herpes should they make that disclosure in their profile?
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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 2:06:55 PM   
LittleGirlHeart


Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline 		I would want to know, so id not contact them. Honestly,and as meanas it sounds i have no interest in dating someone who has a preexsisiting std.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 2:12:59 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I would think yes. Because better to be rejected before you start a relationship than waiting for the night you're getting hot and heavy, and then telling them.

Many people have herpes also or are fine with risk assessment and protection. Others are not, and won't make an exception for you.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 2:26:57 PM   
bravHrt1950


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/20/2013
Status: offline 		I posted this question because I was engaged in conversation with a woman on CM for over 2 weeks we had a lot in common and we really hit it off.
When I schedules finally allowed for us to set up a meet she casually mentioned that she had herpes but quickly followed up with
"but it should not be a problem since I have not had a break out recently". I felt like a horse had kicked me in my chest.
When I told her that changed things considerably for me, she berated me for wasting her time and being ignorant of the facts concerning herpes. She accused me
of being judgmental and narrow minded and said that I had a bigger risk of getting hit by lightning than I did from catching herpes from her.
My position was then and is now that HONESTY is what we all seek her and that information was important enough to have been disclosed in our very first conversation
I could have decided then if I wanted to !. take the risk and @. invest myself in a potential relationship.
She of course disagreed.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 2:39:21 PM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		Id disclose, but people should do what they are comfortable with.

Personally I feel there's a lot worse things in the world than herpes, it's your choice, and her choice. At least she disclosed before you had sex...frankly. I know some one who doesn't tell anyone and I think that is shitty and dishonest and horrible. But in the profile is up to them...

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 2:55:21 PM   
DerangedUnit


Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline 		its estimated 1 out of 3-4 women have herpes, and since 90% of people with it dont know... its a lot more likely you would get it from someone who doesnt know than from someone who knows and takes precautions to prevent it... luckily its pretty easy for guys to avoid if they do their research.... but you have to be aware of the reality behind these things if you are going to engage in casual sex. no i dont think people should post that on their profile, a lot of people on this site are assholes who would use that information for blackmail purposes. it's a private matter that shoyld only be discussed with potential partners or people you trust.

she was right in a way though she may have lashed out out of frustration. herpes has a transmission rate of 2% if you have sex with that person for two years avoiding outbreaks and using condoms. asking someone to disclose those things to peopke that do not do the research is asking for trouble. you have to consider how people would respond to that if they dont understand the disease.... which is a less deadly form of chicken pox. chicken pox goes dormant after one outbreak and appears later as shingles. hsv-2 goes dormant and only appears in conditions of stress afterward

the best advice is to get the at home testing strips that take 15 minutes and saliva. and test if you are going to have sex with someone. ive gotten into relationships with people who swore up and down that they didnt have anything... which you know is false because 98% of the population of the usa has hsv-1. a test can save you the drama and give you certainty
edited for stupid phone always sending posts before i finish

< Message edited by DerangedUnit -- 9/21/2014 3:11:23 PM >

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 3:09:13 PM   
InHisHeart


Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline 		I don't think it's necessary to disclose that information on a profile but I think it should be told as soon as they start communicating through private message.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 3:41:47 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		fr

On the profile? No. Medical information is private and personal. I don't think people need to wear a metaphorical leper's bell. Likewise I wouldn't expect someone to disclose it in the first conversation when you're still a total stranger.

It should be disclosed at the point it becomes relevant to the other person. So, at the point where it seems like sex is a possibility and/or a relationship is about to form. That way you have the option to walk away. Two weeks of talking online and planning to meet in person sounds about right, to me.

You're well within your rights to end your interactions with her, but I don't think she has done anything wrong. She disclosed to you before you were at any risk and two weeks of online contact isn't a significant time or emotional investment. Any number of deal breakers could surface long after the two week mark.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 3:50:06 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		Honestly, I've kept myself disease-free all these years, and no way in hell would I take a chance on throwing that away.
I join the consensus for an infected person to disclose his/her medical conditions right away, whether it's an STD or Hepatitis, any form of Herpes. (I've heard Shingles can be quite painful and cause nerve damage.)
No matter what clean bill of health someone presents, a condition may not be detectable for a few more months if it's in its nascent stage(s).
Better to be safe than sorry IMPO, and use condoms for at least the first 3 months with a new partner. You don't want the person of your dreams to turn out to be your worst nightmare.

Herpetic persons should probably limit their dating pool to other herpetic persons, to my way of thinking.

Last year I had met what appeared to be a near-perfect match for me. Sexy as all get out, too. Then he dropped the bombshell. He had been infected with the papilloma virus and would always have to wear a condom, along with other sexual limitation(s).
I wish he had told me up front a month or so earlier instead of waiting until we met in person. I thanked him for his honesty and for not hiding his condition completely, all the same.

When my son was 13, his doctor informed us about the series of 3 shots that should be taken by adolescents nowadays to guard against HPV-related diseases.
I gave my son the option of choosing whether he wanted to proceed with this now or later on. Brave and astute boy that he is, he elected to safeguard himself and his future girlfriends ahead of time.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 4:12:31 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm going to disagree with Athena that she did nothing wrong. She threw a tantrum and lashed out at the op when he decided that he didn't want to risk transmission.

However op, you might in future want to ask early on if there's any medical info you need. That way, she would have been obligated to tell you earlier.

You also need to learn how to reject someone without freaking out, if that's what happened. Something like "I appreciate you telling me this but that's not a risk I'm prepared to take. Good luck in your search".

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 6:54:26 PM   
subrosaDom


Posts: 724
Joined: 2/16/2014
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

fr

On the profile? No. Medical information is private and personal. I don't think people need to wear a metaphorical leper's bell. Likewise I wouldn't expect someone to disclose it in the first conversation when you're still a total stranger.

It should be disclosed at the point it becomes relevant to the other person. So, at the point where it seems like sex is a possibility and/or a relationship is about to form. That way you have the option to walk away. Two weeks of talking online and planning to meet in person sounds about right, to me.

You're well within your rights to end your interactions with her, but I don't think she has done anything wrong. She disclosed to you before you were at any risk and two weeks of online contact isn't a significant time or emotional investment. Any number of deal breakers could surface long after the two week mark.


I agree. I don't think there's any obligation to disclose on your profile, ESPECIALLY if you have a picture. Now, if you don't, then I lean toward disclosing. Having said that, as soon as you determine that someone is a possible match and BEFORE you talk to them (or on your first call at the latest), you absolutely must disclose. It is wrong to take someone's time with any of this. But you also want to eliminate the scammers, wannabes, and sociopaths. So if someone seems to be a legitimate possibility, then tell them. I would be pissed off if after a month, I learned this. Enough that I would likely end it right there. To me, it's the number and intensity of conversations that matter. So 2 weeks might be fine or even 4 weeks, but when it appears a possibility could exist, then you have an obligation to disclose.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 7:37:11 PM   
ANTIOPE


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/12/2014
Status: offline 		Conflicted on this, I would obviously want to know right off the bat to avoid hurt feelings, etc. Do they have to display it on their profile, no - but it should come up immediately in conversation.

I don't know if this sounds ridiculous to anyone else, but this is why, prior to getting together and becoming more intimate, I request that the other person provide documented proof that they are disease free, and of course, I provide them with paper work showing I am too. Even if I imagine the relationship to be long term, it's a condition I won't budge on. Gotta protect yourself.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 7:48:34 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
In order to answer this, I'll have to make a couple of assumptions: IF the lady posted a profile with the intention of meeting someone for a relationship that most would consider to be romantic/sexual, I believe the onus is on her to disclose fairly early on. I would think that a good guideline would be when she starts thinking that she has some interest.

I know this site isn't very big on updates or keeping current but, a million years ago (it seems), I was a member on AFF and they initiated a system where people with STDs could view each other's STD issue. For example: If I had herpes. I would put that on my profile and anyone that admitted to having any kind of STD could view that portion of my profile but others couldn't. That's not a complete answer but I would think that people that have an STD would be more sensitive about how they interact with someone else that has an STD. Maybe CS could institute something similar?

Also, if peoples' STDs "match up", there's less of an issue.

Before the advent of AFF's new system, I knew a young lady that was convinced that she had genital herpes and she shared that with me, fairly early on. She said she'd had one outbreak in 15 years. I said that that didn't sound right and I offered another option (at this point, I honestly forget what that option was). She was scared to death of transmitting a disease to someone who was otherwise healthy; and rightly so. It made me love her even more.

Obviously, we couldn't go ahead with what both of us considered to be a "full" relationship until we had answers. I finally convinced her to get re-tested. She couldn't believe the results and went for yet another test. She did NOT have HCV.

That was a really good weekend. She was so happy and years of pent-up frustration came pouring out.

For what it's worth; there's no hard-and-fast answer, here but I am all for early as possible disclosure (even when we're talking about coffee dates).







Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 9/21/2014 7:49:29 PM >

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 8:08:07 PM   
GoddessManko


Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline 		I think this is pretty important to know asap, and the honesty of someone willing to disclose should be appreciated and admired.
I have seen people display it on public profiles seeking someone who has the same condition in order to not put anyone at risk, and yet, personally I think there should be a dating site for people who are seeking specific so it lessens the guessing game of searching for a needle in a haystack.
A bit unrelated but relevant. One time a fellow was interested in a D/s relationship but had a condition where he had body temperature issues and as much as I liked him it made me pause. Another fellow had an issue with "bleeding" so I think disclosing this information is important asap to be sure no one is harmed in the process whether mentally, emotionally or physically.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 8:09:39 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline 		This is a fast reply.

Perhaps an edit on your profile is in order... I haven't read it so I do not know if it is there or not. A simple "I am a healthy (insert gender) and I am only interested others that are STD free."

Might be a tad on the brash side, but for the most part it would have ended your current situation before it got off the ground.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 8:27:13 PM   
PandoraFoxxx


Posts: 182
Joined: 1/3/2011
From: San Mateo, CA
Status: offline 		Should a person disclose it in a profile? Sure, if they feel like it. There are plenty who do - who even have Screen names referencing their HSV+ (and others) status.
Should a person be required to include it a profile? No.
Would I disclose it in my public profile that everyone in the world can see? No.
Would I tell someone within the first few e-mails? Yes.
If you're concerned about that stuff, let me say something. YOUR BODY IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. It is no one else's. No one else is or should be "required" to inform you via the internet profile that they have so much as a zit every wednesday. You want to know, YOU ASK.

IF you meet someone, and it becomes evident you will engage in activities where bodily fluids are exchanged, then you request they get tested and also you do the same. It's simple, no one gets offended. This is pretty standard practice and if you don't do it and are a casual type player, then you're a fuckin' idiot.

Exhibit B: On getting re-tested for a new partner: I don't care if you got tested a month ago and haven't even french kissed your teddy bear. Do it for them. Show them YOU care about YOUR health and YOU have nothing to hide. Honestly, if a guy demands I get a full workup and then shows me a test from 3 months ago, I am gonna tell him to go fuck himself, cause he ain't getting shit from me.




< Message edited by PandoraFoxxx -- 9/21/2014 8:28:55 PM >

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 8:59:19 PM   
Oneechan


Posts: 50
Joined: 8/31/2012
Status: offline 		Herpes? That is very vague.

Literally almost all of the adults in every country in the world, are infected with HSV-1, most before they reach the age of consent, and the probability of contracting it rapidly approaches 1.0 as you go through life

It's transmittted from parent to child during viral outbreaks, via cold sores, or from friends to friends, siblings etc. It requires no "sexual" contact at all, it is incurable, and you almost-certainly already have it.

HSV-2 is different, and thankfully far less prevalent, that's an STD you actually want to not catch. In addition it is possible for HSV-1 to be transferrred to other parts of the body (besides the lips) through contact. Oral sex whi8le having a cold-sore is a common cause of genital HSV-1


To not want a partner because they "have herpes" is a staggeringly ignorant thing to say, and if you actually try to apply it to real life the odds are good you'll remain a virgin forever. Learn what type of herpes, and where, educate yourself.

< Message edited by Oneechan -- 9/21/2014 9:01:01 PM >

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 9:16:11 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		People process published findings and statistical analyses differently. Much of the time, these are estimates, no matter how they're calculated.

It could be said that every child has caught the chicken pox virus, but this is not true. I've known people who have never caught it.
(This is the virus which can flare up into Shingles in adults. I had two relatives with Shingles, and the one transmitted it to the other, which became a painful case of herpes to the eye.)

Ask yourself this, has 100% of the world population been tested so that results came out positive for the remaining 98-99%? I don't believe so.

I do know this. Anyone sporting a cold sore isn't coming anywhere near me to hug or kiss.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 9:17:42 PM   
PandoraFoxxx


Posts: 182
Joined: 1/3/2011
From: San Mateo, CA
Status: offline 		Most people when they reference not desiring a partner with herpes are referring to HSV-2. Everyone kind of knows all of this stuff you mention. The problem between HSV-1 and HSV-2 is that there are a lot of people who like to lie about having 1 when they really have 2. Anyone who's gotten at least one STD test or scare in their lives knows damn well what is what and what it means. Everyone who is sex-savvy already knows the differences. Personally, I don't care which one it is, I don't want either of them.

I think calling people ignorant for not wanting an infected partner is a bit much - as the number of people who have HSV is not "literally almost all adults in every country in the world." Way to be statistically accurate there lol. I think if we were talking about HPV, that statement would approach a bit more accuracy. If you don't mind a partner being infected with either, good on you. Many people would prefer not to have a partner infected with either. It's not discriminatory to not want to contract an STD, let alone any illness.

"Don't fuck me today, I have the flu." = "Don't fuck me today, I have an outbreak." A lot of people don't want to have to deal with a chronic flu, especially if it means they're going to get a chronic flu.

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RE: Should a person disclose... - 9/21/2014 9:44:33 PM   
starkem


Posts: 159
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I would consider STD status as medical information. You are not required to disclose medical information unless you consent to do so.

The thing that seems strange about this particular incident is the person in not disclosing her herpes information should not feel that her time was wasted when she made the choice to wait for disclosure of that information. She should have anticipated an adverse reaction no matter how prevalent the number of people with herpes or the amount of education there is to prevent contracting the virus.

It is tough to be stigmatized because of STDs and or other medical illness. But how you anticipate people's aversion to your medical condition. I'm sure it is quite frustrating for her after each similar encounter. Would have been such a displeasure just to meet with her? I think she was wrong but you lacked courtesy.

(in reply to PandoraFoxxx)
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