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RE: Suicide. - 11/27/2014 9:41:43 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
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I have a mental illness. When I see my psychiatrist she asks me if I have suicidal ideations. I usually laugh at her and say, now, I have a mental illness, I have had it all my life, it fucking sucks... I think about suicide a lot. Will I do it would be the better question... and I am her only patient who could get away with saying that to her without her sending them off into the hospital.

I am 49 years old, I do not know what it is to live without this disease. My earliest attempt was when I was 6 years old, I have tried a few times, and my last one was with my drinking. I'm no coward, I am not weak, I am not all alone, I have a great support system and a wonderful woman who loves me more than life itself, I am simply tired of fighting this all the time... and so, I think about suicide. Along the way in my life, I have talked about a dozen people out of suicide, one of them was my own son.... I aged 1000 years in those 45 minutes. I invariably tell them that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, which is true in most cases. I also tell them that I have felt everything they are feeling, and I understand how exhausted they have become.

I am a fighter and a survivor. My life has been easier than some and harder than others, my brand of suffering is no better or worse than anyone else's... but it is my suffering. What has kept me around for as long as I have been here is the fact that I have not fought this long and this hard to simply throw in the towel. I am determined to prove to those who have caused me pain that I will never let them win. But I am tired. I hurt. I want it to stop. I fight harder because that is just who I am. I'm nothing special, I am just me.

I have seen this illness take lives, frankly, some of them could have fought a little harder if they just wanted to, but for them, they didn't see another way, others are just tired, or confused, see no way out and believe that death is the only option. They aren't cowards, weak, or selfish, they hurt and just want it to stop.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to starkem)

Post #: 21

RE: Suicide. - 11/27/2014 9:52:57 PM

dcnovice

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That was truly beautiful, Gauge.

Thank you and bless you!

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No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 22

RE: Suicide. - 11/27/2014 10:01:31 PM

dcnovice

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Joined: 8/2/2006
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FR

The problem is that weariness is far worse than anger. Far more stultifying than mere indifference. Weariness comes from a soul whose hope has been disappointed one time too many. To be weary is not a condition of the body -- that's tiredness. No, weariness is a condition of the heart that has lost the energy to care anymore.

JOAN CHITTISTER, "WHO ARE THE PEOPLE WHO WERE WAITING FOR POPE FRANCIS?"

Emphasis mine. Originally said in a different context, Chittister's wisdom applies here too, I think.

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to dcnovice)

Post #: 23

RE: Suicide. - 11/27/2014 10:04:22 PM

starkem

Posts: 159
Joined: 2/2/2007
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That's deep! My fairest regards and my sentiment exactly. I am also finding suicide to be quite contagious to loved ones trying to help you. They either try to help or scoff at you. That is why I prefer to suffer in silence -to people that wonder why a severely depressed person pretends everything is ok. Also, once that first thought of suicide is allowed to enter your mind, depending on the severity, you will have to use all of power every day to fight the ultimate conclusion. From the outside looking in, even on good days, it is a constant threat to your sanity and life. Suicide convinces you that all the noises will permanently go dark and silent. Sometimes, I laugh at my thoughts and play with as a counter balance of coping. I'm laughing now! LOL

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 24

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 1:03:05 AM

MariaB

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Joined: 4/3/2007
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I knew when I started this thread it would become deep. Its was never intended to be a thread about misery but having a better understanding of what real misery is. Whilst a lot of us have suffered some serious ups and downs in life, some posters here have visited a much darker place and attempted suicide and for those that have shared that information with us all, I think it was a very brave thing be so open and frank about. What I never imagined when I opened this thread was the amount of lives that have been touched by the suicide of others. Shifty, your post was an emotional read that I found difficult and Gauge, your post was emotionally very calm but reached out and said so much. Its certainly given me a better understanding.

DeviantlyD, You gave out a very important message in your post. "I do not deny a person's words about suicide anymore. If they even hint at it, I want to make sure they are safe." People tend to believe that if a person talks about committing suicide, they won't do it. My friend spoke about it a lot and I have to live with the guilt of not giving her the help she needed. Speaking about suicide is usually a direct cry for help. Its not attention seeking, its a "please help me" warning.

< Message edited by MariaB -- 11/28/2014 1:05:04 AM >

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Post #: 25

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 6:00:36 AM

HeartAndSoul31

Posts: 148
Status: offline

Holidays can be rough.
A friend of mine told me, life can be hard even when it's good.
How true that statement is.
I have had serious bouts of depression off and on my entire life.
Once the cycle starts it's hard to break it. I know that.
Thank you for sharing such an honest post.

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 26

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 6:36:03 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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I've been avoiding this because most people that cannot comprehend your position always argue the "wrongness" of your position. So this will be my only post on this thread, it is the only way I won't be wishing on a star for karma to deliver them understanding by sticking them in my shoes.

Very soon I will be in the thick of winter and my days will be filled with more days in pain than days without. In a month, if the weather behaves as predicted, I will no longer be in pain, it will be agony. I will be lucky to be able to use crutches, and by the end of winter, I will be thanking my lucky stars that I can still crawl.

Even now, sleep is coming harder and harder, I'm starting to become more foggy and moving around through my day in and day out tired and exhausted well before I should be. I have more bearable pain than mind blowing pain, for now, but that will shift soon. Now, I have a choice to become a narcotic zombie, or deal with it. I always choose to deal with it, and with everything going on in my life right now I have to be as lucid as possible. Taking narcotics seems to be the reasonable solution, but when I do, I do more long term damage to my body being unaware of the pain that says, "careful, dumbass, that's going to fuck you up."

Even narced out of my brain, the pain is a monster, my brain is just numb to the point that it doesn't really matter. So a few agonizing days will come along, unrelenting, and I'll push through it. Those days will soon turn into weeks or months of teeth shattering pain (lost a few teeth to that already) and the question will come to mind, as it does most mainland winters, "Why would anyone in their right mind continue to live like this?"

Unfortunately, the question becomes a mantra when it becomes day in and day out agony. I've always pushed through them... sometimes I have to phone a friend and have them collect my guns till spring, but I have enough sense to make that call. However, so many of the reasons I make that call is leaving my life little by little. This winter will be a hard one for me, but I will push through it because this will be my last winter in the mainland.

My physical condition tears at my psyche, but I do, not do my best, I do keep my eyes fixed on the sun taking it day by day, pushing through until spring.

That said, I do not run the gamut of emotion and mind games when someone commits suicide, I know, for whatever reason, they had a reason, and that was the solution for them and the only viable option for them.

I find it odd when a parent leaves a marriage, abandoning their family, and then are judged as a piece of shit that doesn't deserve to breathe good air. It is in a little better perspective for me, because I know that when people reach their breaking point in a marriage they leave on their feet or in a body bag. So, for me, I'd much rather know that they walked out on their feet and the last memory of their kids, isn't mom or dad's brains splattered all over the wall.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 27

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 6:42:29 AM

Redhusky

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Joined: 7/2/2014
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Not all suicide is mental illness.
If you see no way , no other option , then the only option remain is suicide. Some see no option , even after they asked help , they got some help, but not the help they needed.
There are lot of aspect of life , experience and genetic that can trigger a suicide.

Cops, firefighters put there life on risk , but they hope they will survive or that there are helping somebody. If they didnt hope this, would they willingly put there life at risk ?

Suicide is a mental state were you see no other option, no hope for change. If the had hope that life would change, would they commit suicide ?

(in reply to HeartAndSoul31)

Post #: 28

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 7:05:25 AM

xgender

Posts: 78
Joined: 10/18/2014
From: A psych ward east of the Mississippi
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

My ex committed suicide.
We were no longer seeing each other at the time but he was my best friend. I loved him deeply on a lot of levels. I miss him all the time and I dream about him sometimes. I found out he killed himself by googling him to see if I could find his email since he hadn't answered his phone in so long...and I found his obituary. I understand why he did it. I go from happy he is no longer in pain, to angry that he isn't here, to missing him so painfully it makes my heart ache.

I don't know. He was miserable. I know that, but selfishly I get mad at him for leaving me here. Nothing will ever fill that void he has left. My fingers remember how he felt.

I actually question if I will ever love anyone so much again.

I don't think it was cowardly of him. I don't necessarily feel it was selfish. But it was and continues to be sad. I think the system failed him. I get angry nothing worked to help him.

I 'talk' to him all the time. I don't even consider myself spiritual, but I hope he hears me. I wish I had helped him more. He helped me after my rape so much. He found me therapy, if I needed him he would be there, or call right away. He was my best friend, I loved him, and hope whatever happens when we go I hope it has been wonderful for him.

I'm so sorry to hear this, Hun. Huge hugs. <3

_____________________________

Keepin' it real...

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Post #: 29

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 7:21:59 AM

GreenEyedJoshie

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/8/2014
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i've actually been wanting to kill myself because of a mistake i made of hurting someone but i had made a promise to my first and only domme now ex domme not to kill myself i have tried it before i had cut my wrist when i was about 13 right after my dad had passed away an i tried again a few years after that and then i had almost killed myself right in front of my mom about 4 years ago the reason why i haven't and wont do it is because i know that it will hurt people especially my ex domme even though i think she hates me for the way i treated her

(in reply to xgender)

Post #: 30

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 7:28:47 AM

xgender

Posts: 78
Joined: 10/18/2014
From: A psych ward east of the Mississippi
Status: offline

I have a dear friend who has been back and forth with suicidal ideation for the last 20 months. He is not mentally ill, though he obviously is clinically depressed. His depression comes from circumstances he cannot control. I actually went out at 4:30am in the snow to check in on him because I thought today was "the day". Thankfully it wasn't. He doesn't want to kill himself, but the pain of living has become torture for him. I have sat with him nearly every day for the last 20 months and I watch as his circumstances deteriorate. I don't know what will come of him, but I am taking the time now to show him he is loved...

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Keepin' it real...

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Post #: 31

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 7:51:49 AM

MariaB

Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

That said, I do not run the gamut of emotion and mind games when someone commits suicide, I know, for whatever reason, they had a reason, and that was the solution for them and the only viable option for them.

Jus sayin

First and foremost, I can’t even start to comprehend what it must be like to suffer physical pain every single day. I can’t imagine how it must feel knowing that pain is going to turn into agony as a season approaches. All I know is, if I were in constant pain I couldn’t do the things that are so prevalent in my life and that is a depressing thought. When we have good health we take it for granted. When we don’t, life has to fit round our illness which means major life changes.

I think your outlook towards suicide is a healthy one. I, on the other hand have an awful habit of trying to work everything out. Nobody would want to be inside my head because its a jumbled puzzle of curiosity and probably one of the reasons I have a finger in so many pies!

Fortunately I don’t come across suicides very often but when I do, I have to wonder how people take that brave leap. Unlike some, I don’t think it has anything to do with selfishness and certainly not cowardice. To make something so final can only take bravery in my eyes. Our need for survival is our strongest instinct but for a suicide the need to snuff out their life is just as strong.

Many people consider suicide but they don’t do it because they are not ready yet and may never be ready or perhaps its because they haven’t yet lost that instinct to survive. Others will put their affairs in order, make sure everything is taken care of right down to the last letter and then calmly go and do it, whilst others will do it in a moment of impulsion whilst walking across the Golden Gate Bridge. There is no pattern to suicide and that, I believe, is why its so difficult to understand.

_____________________________

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(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 32

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 8:08:51 AM

starkem

Posts: 159
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

I wish the best for you all though these difficulties. It really stirs my compassion that people are suffering.

(in reply to xgender)

Post #: 33

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 9:03:22 AM

xgender

Posts: 78
Joined: 10/18/2014
From: A psych ward east of the Mississippi
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge

I have a mental illness. When I see my psychiatrist she asks me if I have suicidal ideations. I usually laugh at her and say, now, I have a mental illness, I have had it all my life, it fucking sucks... I think about suicide a lot. Will I do it would be the better question... and I am her only patient who could get away with saying that to her without her sending them off into the hospital.

I am 49 years old, I do not know what it is to live without this disease. My earliest attempt was when I was 6 years old, I have tried a few times, and my last one was with my drinking. I'm no coward, I am not weak, I am not all alone, I have a great support system and a wonderful woman who loves me more than life itself, I am simply tired of fighting this all the time... and so, I think about suicide. Along the way in my life, I have talked about a dozen people out of suicide, one of them was my own son.... I aged 1000 years in those 45 minutes. I invariably tell them that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, which is true in most cases. I also tell them that I have felt everything they are feeling, and I understand how exhausted they have become.

I am a fighter and a survivor. My life has been easier than some and harder than others, my brand of suffering is no better or worse than anyone else's... but it is my suffering. What has kept me around for as long as I have been here is the fact that I have not fought this long and this hard to simply throw in the towel. I am determined to prove to those who have caused me pain that I will never let them win. But I am tired. I hurt. I want it to stop. I fight harder because that is just who I am. I'm nothing special, I am just me.

I have seen this illness take lives, frankly, some of them could have fought a little harder if they just wanted to, but for them, they didn't see another way, others are just tired, or confused, see no way out and believe that death is the only option. They aren't cowards, weak, or selfish, they hurt and just want it to stop.

<3

_____________________________

Keepin' it real...

(in reply to Gauge)

Post #: 34

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 9:46:23 AM

UnholyBear

Posts: 661
Joined: 10/19/2012
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~FR~

Ok here goes!

At one time I was one of those who felt sad after the fact of hearing of another committing suicide until a few life events that happened over the course of several years changed that. It wasn't until after my own botched attempt that scared the living hell out of me and finally having the guts to seek counseling that I am able to understand the reasoning why a person would feel that ending it all would solve their misery.

Much of my life I went through periods of depression which I always call my dark moods. Having suffered with lifelong issues of poor self esteem this ain't good. It was too difficult to see the brightness each day, when I stood in front of a mirror, I hated what I saw, I was a few years into a decent relationship and we were in the middle of a huge crisis. I didn't have the energy to leave the house for days on end and much of my time was spiraling down that slippery slope of not carting about anything and everything. All the normal life struggles seemed to be too overwhelming and I simply was too emotionally and mentally drained to work through that garbage. It was about this time I was also involved with another who I had pinned all my hopes on, I was looking at him to make me feel whole, feel loved and feel good about myself and life. But after a year I was dumped without warning which only escalated my depression. fast forward several weeks and I walked out on my relationship and was couch surfing at a dear friend's place. It was here that a feeble attempt was made to slash my wrists.

Understand that normally I look at life as being so packed with experiences and I want to experience as much as I can this time around and probably in the next 10 lifetimes! During the above situation; I lost sight and forgot how much I enjoy life and all that it holds. The gist to all this is several months later and with the love and caring of a married man that I was able to regain my sense of self, where I could look at myself and see a person who is worthwhile and good enough. Yes to many, they think "yeah right..." yet in my mind, the end result: for me, was the catalyst I needed to turn myself around and still be alive today. Yea I still have bouts of low poor self image yet it is minor. I have created a damn strong support network of friends who know if I slip, they will have my back and give me a hard smack upside the head if they feel I need it.

I am not proud of what I tried yet I understand why it happened. The second best positive aftermath to my experience is it made me a much much stronger person.

_____________________________

Shameless flirt and just as unholy as ever!

Gauge's cuddlemuffin

CD's manwhore

(in reply to xgender)

Post #: 35

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 10:11:12 AM

ydd

Posts: 129
Joined: 10/27/2014
From: a special place of wine and music
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Hugs the best bear of a manwhore in the world. ♡

You know where I am hun...

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the poster formerly know as yourdarkdesire

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Post #: 36

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 10:16:09 AM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

This morning I witnessed a suicide. I was walking my dog along the river bank when I saw a man jump off a very high bridge. My first reaction was to call the emergency services. I was unaware that there were already police on the bridge trying to talk him out of it. The bridge is a popular suicide spot and as far as I know, nobody has survived the jump.

Many years ago I was the victim of suicide from someone very close to me. I understand this awful curb of emotions those left behind go through. I know what his family are about to go through, if indeed he has a family.

I know a lot of people think that suicide is a selfish act or a cowards way out. Whilst I fully understand the anger, the victims of losing someone to suicide go through, I can't help but think, how bad things must be before someone can end it all, especially in such a violent and certain way? I understand cries for help but a violent end isn't a cry for help. I think a person has to be very brave to end it all in such a way.

This morning there were suddenly a lot of people on the bank of the river and in the river. Peoples immediate reactions were "how terrible" and "how sad" and not the reactions we normally hear regarding a suicide.

I'm interested to know how others feel regarding this topic? do you believe they are selfish/cowards or do you think that perhaps they were just so desperate and couldn't see a tomorrow?

You need to be out of your mind, temporarily insane to actually do it, imo.. usually if you can wait 5, 10 minutes the worst of those feelings will subside.. That emotion is like many other emotions, imo, you get a "burst" where it is at its peak, like when someone gets really angry (yelling, arms flaying, etc), but then the feelings subside.. no one stays angry forever.. At least, that was my personal experience at one point when I was in that state, part of the reason I never did it was that I would have taken an overdose of pills but since I wasn't a druggie, I had none to commit suicide with... to get rid of the feelings tho, I had to help myself to pull myself out of that and the situation that was creating it.. I had to finally decide which way I would go.. I don't know if that made me a stronger person or not, but I have never had those kind of feelings again.. and too, I try to control my emotions a lot as well.. I dont get angry or "worked up" like I used to back then, now I have a long fuse..

But there are some people for which suicide is what they will do.. I can understand it for someone terminally ill and in a lot of pain.. the problem in the US is that doctors don't want to be sued or lose their license, go to jail etc for prescribing pain meds that a person would want to control their pain enough.. and too, your body can adjust to some of the pain meds and so you need more and more, risking overdosing..

Actually seeing someone do that tho, that would be horrible..

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

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Post #: 37

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 12:38:09 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB

I'm interested to know how others feel regarding this topic? do you believe they are selfish/cowards or do you think that perhaps they were just so desperate and couldn't see a tomorrow?

Desperate and couldn't see a way out.

As a human being I can certainly empathise with other human beings, not that I've ever been depressed, nor suicidal; but instinctively empathic human beings recognise that it could quite easily be them given different circumstances.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 38

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 12:42:14 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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There is a great deal of depression in my family. (I will not tell these stories in public, but some very few people here know this has affected me personally, several times and near times).

Two types of people in this world:

Those who think: I am the problem, I cakk myself and the world is a better place.
Those who think: You motherfuckers are the problem, I cakk you and my world is a better place.

Be the second kind of person.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

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Post #: 39

RE: Suicide. - 11/28/2014 1:30:10 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Hell no. Did the children of Sandy Hook dying make the world a better place?
Be neither kind of person. Get help being someone who doesn't see only that one path.

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Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 40

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